Monday

 Last week was one of the toughest weeks yet for me.  

I was actually vertical on Thursday for a few hours for Rick's birthday.

Then not again until 4pm on Friday.

We have friends here in another burb northeast of Raleigh. They had invited us to dinner. Hell during my medical protocol they have asked us to do things. We keep telling them NO. They asked us to come to dinner. They are vaxxed and wear masks so I was hoping it'd be fine. I said to Rick, just tell them yes so we can get it over with.   I know that sounds mean but seriously I am not up to seeing folks but they keep asking. I hoped that once they saw this ugly big beast before them they would see all the changes and that I am sick. 

I made 2 peanut butter pies one for Rick's birthday and one for Friday's dinner.

They invited us to dinner and that is another thing I don't enjoy. 

I don't like to eat at other people's homes when I have no idea what I am being fed. Having Celiac Disease is something you have and then you fear eating somewhere you don't know the ingredients. In the beginning when I hadn't learned to say NO I would get cross-contamination or worse. 

I'd get home and that evening be sick and be sick for 2 weeks. It takes 2 weeks for this to stop. And that's not even counting the damage you are doing to yourself inside.  So I don't like this.

And the fact that I am an extremely picky eater then we have a perfect storm.

I hate fish or anything that swims. I don't do organ meat or eat things prettier than me like deer or rabbit etc. So what are the chances that we aren't going to be fed Salmon? That's what everyone wants to serve when I get to their homes. Yuck. 

I move food around a lot or don't take much. But this guy put food on my plate so that was how much I got and that is what I had to eat. 

We arrived at their home with our wine and PB pie. 

They all began the cocktails.

I drank ice water. I had to behave darn it. We sat and chatted. 

Thank God no one said, "Oh you don't look so bad"  I HATE THAT!!  

I do too, I know it, I have mirrors and telling me the opposite only makes me angry. While they think this is a compliment you are not complimenting me. 

I take it as - you have always looked this shitty. 25lbs or more heavier, I look as sick as I feel so don't tell me I don't look different. Or as my husband so kindly put it, "I look like shit"  Thank you, dear. But trust me that is more appreciated than, "Oh you look the same, whatever are you talking about?"  

At one point she said to me, "don't be upset but you really look sick Peg" 

I told her, "Thank you Becky!!! I am sick so what the hell."  

I put  on make up and tried but I know. 

She laughed. She understood. They have tickets to see Bonnie Riat and they wanted us to have them because they found out they will be out of town. I love Bonnie but I can't go to a stadium of people with a suppressed immune system and having Covid cases at an all-time high here right now. They kept saying, well wear a mask. After seeing me I guess it did the trick because she said that She saw how sick I looked so she understood.

Everyone means well. But sometimes I don't think people think.

Why don't people believe that I am not well unless they see me?

Rick saw a meme and said, if this isn't you nothing is.  I had to laugh.

True. 

I do prefer to plow through. I don't want to lay around although this past week that is all I could muster.

I do not like to tell everyone what I am going through because I find it boring. Who wants to listen to an old person talk about their ills? No one that's who. (yet I bore ya'll here!!)

Honestly, no one cares so just live your life and go one.

I do not like to play the victim. 

I do not like to say anything for fear of getting a pity response.

Everyone has shit to go through, my shit is not worse or better, it sucks for everyone.

As my stepmom has said my whole life, It is what it is. 

Back to dinner - Our dinner was almost like an Osso Buco. 

Instead of veal shanks, it was beef. 

It was a very well-prepared dish and yummy. Paul is a great cook! 

Great wine, great food, great company. But honestly, I just wanted to come home, take off the too-tight clothes, and lay down. Pitiful.

Rick asked on the way home if it was nice to get out of the house. 

No, not really. I hope so soon though.

I go back to see my eye doctor at Duke tomorrow. I hope he says it has improved enough so I don't have 3 more months of chemo as originally planned. 

I just want it to stop now, I've had enough.

I am 100% certain that if I get a dire diagnosis someday for cancer I will refuse chemo. It's killing me and it feels it is more so than my mass.  

In good news, did ya'll see the new eye drops for those of us who need reading glasses?  I am going to ask him about this tomorrow. I know, I know, this has nothing to do with 'betty' but it is something I am curious about when this is over and I would like to ask him his thoughts. Apparently, these new FDA-approved eye drops will allow you to skip your reading glasses for 8 hrs. 

I would put them in before going out to a restaurant so I could read the menu. 

I'll let you know what my Doctor says about this. I find it so interesting. If this does work why can't they do this for your complete vision instead of lasik? So many questions. 

While I've been laying around I did watch a documentary on George Carlin. I loved it. It was on HBO & HBO MAX if you are so inclined.

I don't always agree with everything this man says but he is smart as a whip and funny to me. He makes me think. He reminds me a lot of Ricky Gervais in a way. I adore Ricky G as you all know but some things while clever and funny I don't always agree with him either but I see his point and see the funny. I did not have the urge to go up to the stage to slap or beat him. 

I don't know if ya'll saw but a man stormed the stage at a concert to kill the comedian Dave Chappelle because he didn't like what he said. The man was hauled off the stage and shortly thereafter was arrested. He was arrested for misdemeanor battery and possession of a weapon with intent to assault. 

He claims he was "triggered" by the comedian's topics on homelessness and gentrification of neighborhoods. Oh please, people. 

After watching the documentary about George Carlin I wondered what would have happened in those days? 

I did see where Dave wanted to talk to this young man. Dave said he appeared to be mentally ill but it's not for him to decide. I'll tell you I am not so sure I would be going into a room with someone who tried to kill me. I am sure there were police but I'm a big ass baby. But Dave said he just wanted to see him and talk to him and ask him some questions. A bigger man than me!

 This from 25 yrs ago!