Time Flies

It's been 13 days since I've been here.

I've gone down a pretty dark rabbit hole. 

I now see a sliver of light and thought I'd stop by to see some of my ole pals.

I have mentioned here that I love the quiz show The 1%.

We sat down to watch it and Rick said, "Okay smarty pants try to beat me"

You see, the first week I got to 1%

The second week I was out on the first question which tells me I should be riding the short bus.

Rick and I play this silly game and he and I are neck and neck. 

This one damn math question got me. (as usual) What a surprise!  

So ole Rick is walking around all sing song-y saying, "Cantelope Boy has got himself some smarts"  Oh my dear hillbilly.

That math mishap caused me to only be in the 60%.  

So basically I am getting dumber and dumber each show. 

Before you know it I'll just be drooling in a corner with a dunce cap.

Two weeks ago I wrote about that damn sweepstakes bean hat.

Well, I told you I thought for certain Rick did it. He did not. But he said he wished he had. I know when Rick is lying and he is not lying this time.

He finds it funny that everyone thinks he did this. "Gee, I have a reputation it appears."  

Yep.

In 1991 I was turning 35.  For some reason 35 hit me. Not 40, but 35.

I also would say to anyone who would listen that this is the last year in this box. When you have to fill out your age, the next box up is 36 and up.

I was so old I was about to leave a demographic. For some dumb reason, 35 was a big deal to me.

So do I get any reassurance from Rick? Oh hell no, he is a year older than me and he just tells me to suck it up Buttercup. He laughs at me and walks away.

Then one day as I am opening mail I see a big envelope. 

I opened it to find a Congratulations, welcome to Springhill.

WHAT? Springhill is a senior living community until you need their assisted living and dementia communities.

This colorful brochure showed all the old people having fun, playing cards, sipping wine, etc. All while-haired folks. Layouts of living quarters, activities bus trips, and all the assorted amenities.

I show this to Rick and say, "Can it get any worse? I am old but not this old"

He laughed and said, "It appears you've gotten on a list".

But the phone calls and the mail of information were driving me bonkers.

I told them on the phone that I wasn't 65 for another 30 years. 

She actually said, "Oh we all wish that don't we?"  

"No, but I am only 35. I do not know how I got on your list but if you could please remove me from this list I would appreciate it."

All year long I am receiving mail from Springhill. What do I have to do to make them quit?  Halloween hay rides, Christmas caroling. 

Fast forward to our move to Seattle.

Our mail was being forwarded and I got more Springhill information.

I called Springhill, and I told them I was now living in Seattle. Before I could go on she told me they may have properties there soon. I said, "I won't need this for at least 30 yrs, just please take me off your call and mailing list."  But the mail kept comin'

It finally stopped when my mail stopped being forwarded. Whew.

Rick and I were on our patio having a glass of wine.

He asked me if I got any more propaganda from Springhill.

I said," Nope, finally done. They will only forward for so long and times up.  So I think I finally got out from under them."

He snickered in a way that made me look at him again. 

"By God you son of a bitch, You did this to me, didn't you?"

Now he is laughing.

"Yes, I did at that trade show we went to. I filled out a form with your info and put your age of 30 years forward. I thought it would be funny."

I should have asked you because I know when you're lying. 

I know he says, "I was shocked you just bitched about these damn brochures coming to the house and I just listened. I knew if I said too much you'd know it was me."

"Why the hell did you not say anything about this after the 1st month."

"Because I thought it was funny. The more mail you got the more upset you were, which I found even funnier since you knew you were only 35."

"Hey don't bring logic into this mister"

So while Rick has done this kind of thing to me before.

(remember the hot sausage sandwich story?)

This time he really didn't do it.

Or did he?

Speaking of...

Speaking of being forgetful.

I don't normally enter sweepstakes except for the HGTV dream house.

Imagine my surprise when I got a package yesterday telling me, 'Congratulations you won the Bush Bean Sweepstakes along with the ugliest hat ever made.

Now mind you we don't eat a lot of beans. If we were to have beans we would buy bush beans. But why in the world would I want this hat or enter to win this hat?

Rick and I put it on and laughed at one another. He said you really don't remember entering?  Hell no and why would I?  He suggested that this could be a prize but not a grand prize. Good possibility. 

I don't want to think what the grand prize could be. A larger pile of beans?

I looked at the front of the package again to be sure this was addressed to me.

Yep, I am the lucky owner of this gorgeous hat.

Does anyone want a bean bucket hat?  Send it to you free of charge!

Forgetful

Where the hell have I been?

Sadly nowhere good. 

Have any of you seen the Pfiser commercial for the RSV Vaccine?

Well, it is people laughing. The entire commercial is just friends laughing together. Each time I see this I laugh. I don't know how you can watch this and not at the very least smile. It's contagious.

Of course, Rick thinks I'm loony. But then I caught him smiling too so we are both loons. But everyone knew that anyway.

Rick got up Wednesday, put on his clothes, and said I gotta hurry I have an appointment. I asked him, since when do you make an appointment at the gym? 

Knowing it was Wednesday gym day and all. 

He laughed and said, "I'm returning to the tire place for them to look at the tire sensor again. I told you that yesterday, don't you remember?"

Now that made me laugh and all I said was, Touché.

That in turn made him laugh and said, "Oops I better leave now" as he walked out the door with a shit-eatin' grin.  Silly men. They hear nothing and remember nothing if it was heard.  Selective hearing.

I went to the imaging center at Duke Imaging Center for a CT Scan of my right shoulder. In the waiting room, the TV was turned on to Leave it to Beaver. Everyone was diggin' it. I had to laugh. They know their audience as I look around and all but one young man was an old fart like me.

So much better than the last time I went to a medical waiting room.

They had on Fox "News" and this man went bat shit crazy and told them to change it. They did, which shocked me. So I think Leave it to Beaver is a far better option. It can't possibly offend anyone. Then Bewitched came on just as they called me back. The man next to me said to his wife, "Oh I always thought she was so pretty." 

It made me smile as I walked back to the horror chambers.

They know you are in there for your painful shoulder then they make you move your arm around and lift it and hold. Geez, I wanted to say, "Hey lady if I could do that easily without mind-numbing pain I wouldn't need to be here"  But instead I said, "This is very painful how long do I have to stay in this position."  She said 3-5 minutes. Well, that's a big difference to me.  I was just about to scream, "I can't hold it any longer" when her voice came into the CT Scan and said, "You can relax now"  Whew.  

All in all, it took me longer to get there than it did the whole CT Scan.

A reel came across my Instagram that showed how Gen Z and Millennials carry their money and then Gen N.  Gen Z had a fanny pack and pulled out a wallet. Millennials have a cross-body type fanny pack and pull out a card

Then Gen N. It was an old Italian woman so I guess the N was for Nonna.

She pulled the money out of her bra, then her phone, her keys, then her sunglasses. The other men stood there with their mouths open.

It made me laugh. I guess I've been Gen N since the age of 15.  I have always carried things in my bra. No pockets? No bag? Perfect! 

I sent this to a friend who is much younger than me because she finds it funny that she has known me to put things in my bra.

I sent it to her and told her that this old woman (me) put an ounce of pot under her left boob in 1978 and flew to Florida for spring break. I made it through security and everything. I find that hysterical and so thankful that dumb ass young me didn't get arrested. 

My girlfriend who went with me was named Sue. 

Sue taped it to me just in case. I knew it wouldn't move but just in case.

So there I stood with no top on and having my friend tape this to me and then have me rotate to see if it could be seen before my bra was on.

She looked at me sideways - can you see it?  Nope

She looked at me straight on - can you see it?  Nope

So that was our young dumb mind thinking it would be okay. 

And it was, but honestly, I would not recommend doing that!!! 

Ah, stupid youth.

But I will tell you that scotch tape on your skin for that many hours leaves a bad rash! Very bad. 

That's the year I won the wet t-shirt contest. So that particular year was filled with incredibly stupid antics that I would kill my daughter for doing!

As my father kept yelling, "Nothing good happens on Spring Break"

Now instead of putting things in my bra, I need to remember where things are. I told you the time I was looking for my phone. Rick was not home or I'd have asked him to call it. Then after 45 minutes of looking and finally giving up,  it rang and my boob vibrated and I laughed and took the call. 

So now I forget what's in my bra. I also just plain forget shit period.

For instance, I was talking to my mom yesterday.  Rick walked by and he saw me looking for something as I was listening to my mother. 

I said, "Ma, hold on a second please, hey Rick have you seen my phone?"  

My mother roared with laughter and then Rick said, "Whatcha talking on Margaret?"

Oh dear. 

So my stupid things today are far different from when I was 21. 

Friday

I know why Rick married me. I laugh at his stupid jokes/humor.

While watching the Olympics/gymnastics I said: Oh, I can do that.

Rick: I'm doing that now.

Silly me looked over at him and howled.  

While watching Jeopardy, he answered the final Jeopardy question once again without missing a beat. 

Me: Wow, that was impressive Ricky.

Rick:  Yep, I'm your smart arm piece babe.

 

While watching the Olympics' track and field portion, a woman was doing the shot put. She was jumping all around and Rick said, "Ooh those are real"

I never looked up, I just shook my head at the idiot, I knew what that meant.

All the women in track and field, gymnastics and other sports where women are not getting wet in a pool always wear fake eyelashes. I want their secret. How does their makeup not run from all that sweating? How do their eyelashes not come off from sweat?  And why wear them at all?

Inquiring minds need to know. Jumping hurdles and pole vaulting with my false eyelashes on. It's a head-scratcher to me.

If you watch the evening news, you know that this area of the country was dealing with the Tropical Storm Debby. Wow.

We received texts from our electric company. They were telling us how to be prepared because they were certain we'd have power outages.

We got all the flashlights, halos, batteries, candles, etc. We did as told.

Thankfully nothing here but all around us is crazy.

We did have some crazy high winds. Tornadoes were all around us. Thankfully we were fine. We had our chairs that go around a dining table on the porch blow off the porch and onto our driveway. Apparently, our chairs could go down the steps. Who knew? We saw the chairs in the morning when we got up and began to survey the damage. We were shocked to find the chairs in the driveway.

It's been raining for almost 2 weeks now. I don't mind one bit. 

Better than 100+. Besides we had a drought situation. 

We needed all those inches of rain. But we have been stuck inside a bit more. They are telling you to stay off the roads, schools were closed. 

It's been a bit crazy. 

I had snow days growing up. They have rainy days here. But your house doesn't blow away in the snow. 

The sun not being out didn't upset either of us. It was a nice break. 

But this was all anyone would talk about, the rain. 

The news would break in and tell you as you were watching something. That annoyed us both especially when the man who comes on the screen and says, "There are puddles, there are puddles everywhere. Look, as he points to the screen of a puddle"

Rick and I looked at one another and burst into laughter. Puddles?

Really you broke into the show were were viewing to tell us there were puddles? Oh my goodness how that made us laugh.  Run, quick, puddles!!

Okay, the gin may be why we thought this was so funny, but I think it's funny now and I'm stone-cold sober. :-)

As we watched a movie a week ago a character said the word, askew. 

Rick burst out laughing. I hit pause and asked what the hell was so funny. He asked, "Did you not hear her? She said, 'askew'" 

Why is that funny to you?

Because I never heard it until you said it remember?

Ask anyone if they use that word. 

Oh, here we go.  

Yes I remember

Why does this bother you so?

That says more about you than me, mister hillbilly.

Well c'mon Margaret, who says that? Have you ever heard anyone use that word?  

Yes, I said it. The woman on tv just said it.  I can't remember if anyone I know has said it. I suppose so if it was necessary.

 

He is really laughing now. How the hell would it be necessary.  

Well if their towels were askew.

He really belly-laughed on that one. 

He said, "Okay you win"

You see we came home to our rental. I went into the powder room and I noticed the towels were askew.  So I came out and said to Rick that our landlord or someone worse was here. He thought it was funny that I thought that someone was there because my towels weren't straight. Have you just met me?  And what the hell does askew mean?  So that's how this began.

And yes my landlord did come in and his kid used the bathroom. I told him not to do that again, to leave us a note, or as the lease states, give us notice if coming inside.