Boy I did not think it would be this long until I was back. You can always tell my bad weeks by how much I'm here I guess.
I walk by the office and the computer calls but so does my bed or closing my eyes sadly.
Another week got away from me.
Not so much enjoying my life right now as much as trying to survive of late.
Remember me telling you the horrific nerve type frozen pain on my arms. I actually wore a long john top on my arms for weeks. Yes, it is 95 degrees. It is far easier to deal with the cold than the cold tingling burning nerve pain.
When Dr. S. asked me about my symptoms I told him this one because it is the worst one to me. He upped my folic acid to 5mg a day. I was taking 1 MG a day.
After day 2 I have not had that kind of pain in my arms. Whew. By George, I think he got it!! While I still get cold or I guess I should say I am cold all the damn time, but as long as I don't have that awful feeling of my arms burning cold like being dunked in an ice bucket I can live with being cold. I'd rather be cold than hot ALWAYS.
Let me share some things that have occurred here while I've done nothing.
(yes he made the walnut mantle)
This fireplace is a work in progress as you can see. I sprayed the FUGLY screen piece (under that paper) with high heat spray paint as well as the inside of the fireplace. All things black here I sprayed. It was brown and gold. VERY 70s, which is odd since the house was built in 1997. It could not be removed, long story, so this was my next idea.
Then we covered the ugly stone with this backerboard so we can tile. (For use around high heat again) Rick poured self leveling concrete on the hearth of ugly stones so it would be even and we could tile easily.
On Monday Rick began tiling. I laid on the sofa and said things like, can you straighten that one? That one is too much white. 😄 I fell asleep and awake to this much done. It became like a puzzle so there was a lot of mumbling from Rick that made me giggle. Oh the swearing was quiet because he thought I was asleep. But I heard him!
He had to finish some things in his workshop so the items could get in the mail so he did not work on tthe fireplace on Tuesday.
Tuesday is my typical 2 days after chemo & I'm down for the count. I was in bed most of the day. I awoke at 5:30p and I could smell Rick was cooking something. It smelled great but this is NOT a day I can eat much if at all.
I walked into the living room and Rick said, "Hey look who's back. How you feeling babe?"
Before I could answer we heard a pop.
We walked into the kitchen and saw this --
The lid just exploded INTO the stew. The handle flew over by the coffee maker. So much for Rick's dinner....Shard Glass Stew. Yummy.
Rick knew he bought lamb chops by mistake and they are not a fave of mine. He knew I wasn't eating so he made a Greek stew. It smelled divine. What a waste of ingredients though. (I may have eaten this it smelled so good) he actually said, I could try to pick out glass. Are you crazy Richard? Toss it all!! So he did. He knew he couldn't get out all the glass for Pete's sake.
He ended up having a breakfast sandwich. He was so bummed and I don't blame him. Gee, if I write to Rachel Ray and show her what happened to her stock pot while this was on low/simmering maybe they will send a new one? Or she can come cook a meal for Rick. That would make him happy.🙂
We arrived at Duke early and I got in early. How about that?
I had my eyes numbed, I had my eyes dilated, I had them scratched with this funky funnel looking thing for pressure, I had blood drawn or some dye put in me for some pictures. Then to another room and machine for more photos. Then I was taken to a room and a team gave me shots, took photos, drops. Honestly it was so much shit!
When I got there they ask questions which I think are geared toward Covid. Then they ask if I have fallen. I have never been asked that before. I said No. Then I said quickly - Oh yes I did a week ago roughly. So I had to explain the medication that makes me light headed etc. I said my ankle is better but still 2x the size of the other and it is still purple, black and blue and it hurts on the outside bone. They asked if I had an X-ray. I said No. That was that.
Then the eye test. This young man who I see at the beginning is my buddy from NYC. I love this kid. He has a 1970's Afro. I complimented him last time and he said he saw I was coming in so he had to make sure he looked good. He is so damn cute. He is maybe 31 and he is a flirt. He is cute.
When he transports me to another part of the eye center we walk. He walks really fast as does the doctor. I was a bit surprised because this young man is short. the doctor is 6'2" and all legs. So as we walk down the hall he turns to me and says you keep up for a short one. I laughed and told him because I have always been short (ha ha) I have learned to walk fast to keep up with people so now I am considered a fast walker which is rather funny to me.
He said, and a bruised ankle. I said, "that's right darn it, does that win me perfect vision?" HA. is all he said.
I had my standard eye test and they asked if I felt my eye sight was better.
Oh my God Hell yes. I went from seeing snow only, to dark shapes, to color, to seeing people only fuzzy and not as sharp as my 20/20 left eye. So they gave me the thing to hold over my good eye and I was to begin reading the chart. It was 20/200 last time. It's 20/40 now. Excellent for me right now.
But I don't know how ya'll walk around with 20/40 because it's not very good but the fact that I can see looking down and peripherally is so damn good. It's all fuzzy but seeing something not sharp is far better than not seeing what is in front of me at all.
By the time the doctor came in to show me my pictures I couldn't see shit. My eyes were so dilated it was all a blur really. But I squinted and tried. I even used my computer glasses.
Dr. S. was as giddy as a school girl as the saying goes. Oh my goodness. He rocked on his feet back and forth, clapping his hands. He did everything but jump up and down. He was so excited. He said this kind of response was what they hope for but he's only seen it react this quickly once before. Normally it takes longer. He was so thrilled. All I kept thinking was how damn glad I was that all this awfulness is at least paying off.
Then we went over the images. Poor Betty is nasty looking. Oh and speaking of Betty.
Dr. S referred to her as Peggy and said, Peggy's dying look at this!
I said, "Pardon me? Please tell me you mean Betty Doctor S."
He said, "OH MY GOD, I'M SO SORRY, YES, BETTY, BETTY BETTY!!
I laughed and said, "it's okay, got it." He was so mortified.
I saw the image from day 1 then the 2nd visit and then today 3 months later Wow.
I see all the scar tissue which will never go away. I see Betty and he showed me where it was on the bottom of my eye now but where it was the last few times. He went on to explain why when sitting there I could see nothing looking down (you know missing the table and putting Chinese food all over as i shared here.)
Then the next 3 sets of pictures at yet another angle. I could obviously see the difference even without him pointing them all out to me. I also can tell the difference in how I can see right now.
It was mentioned again that glasses may never rectify it as it would normally. So while it won't be 20/20 I think we are now just focusing on removing it more so it doesn't spread to another eye or more in this eye.
Then the bad news. Another 5 weeks on steroids a.k.a. the devil.
Then a year of chemo light. A fucking year! I also will have to increase my folic acid. Fingers crossed I haven't lost my hair so far and I won't.
Betty can come back, Betty can spread. They don't want to stop now.
I go back in 3 more months. I am hoping that this is so much better a year won't be necessary. He will be as surprised in 3 months as he was by these results in only 3 months. (fingers crossed!) I'm only thinking that and willing it to happen!
Just not thrilled about taking the steroids I am certain I will feel so much better when done with them.
Steroids are just awful in high doses like this. They sound so harmless but my God they are horrific. 5 more weeks of those little shits.
So there ya have it. Betty is slowly dying. Will it go away 100%? He sure doesn't think so but this surprised him so much that he is hoping he is wrong. Me too. I did ask him why he told me only 6 months on chemo. He said because If I had said a year you would have freaked out and I wasn't 100% certain of your response.
So you lied to me.
He said, Yes, I did and it hasn't been 6 months yet so we never know. It could be only 6 months but the worst-case scenario is one year. I wanted to give you 6 months at a time so you weren't so freaked out. I also know that you are seeing that most of this awfulness is steroids. Not to minimize what you are going through with the other pills but steroids are the worst of it right?
Yep!
So I guess it was okay that he lied to me. He is so nice and charming and honest to God I see how he gets away with it. Rick found it funny. Rick added his 2 cents and said, "boy he knows you already" And the doctor said, "she's like all the others who are scared. I just want to give you something to hold on to. Besides things are better than I could have ever predicted so we shall see won't we?" I got it. I wasn't mad, well not 100%. I'm shooting for surprising him again so there! 😛
Once off the steroids, I can be around people more, etc. (Not sure if that's agoodthing or not) As I said steroids are the worse aspect of this as far as symptoms and feeling like shit. He did give me hell when Rick had to be a tattletale and tell him how I plow through. He said on those days I really shouldn't it's not good for my body and yada yada yada. So I guess I get to be even lazier. I told him I was a type A, this isn't comfortable for me and he said, "tough shit" So there ya go...
One other thing, if it comes back it will be small so I could get a steroid injection in my eye next time. You can't start there because if it's too much you can't take it away so he prefers doing it orally. Also too big and it could blind me. But since he thinks I've handled the steroids well (yea right!) that is now an option should it come back and we catch it when small. So there ya go, in Betty news. All good...for the most part
😁
Continuing our medical fun--
Wednesday morning Rick was to see his new kidney doctor.
Rick wanted a new doctor here because he wanted him to have his records and a baseline so if he needed him he wasn't a new patient, having to wait 6 months to get in etc.
Rick had his records sent over and brought some things with him.
His blood work was amazing.
His tests were all better, but how?
He went from stage 3 kidney disease where the last doctor was fearful of how close to stage 4 he was getting.
He is now stage 2. He was told that is so rare. Your kidneys do not normally repair themselves. In fact, Rick's numbers are better than the majority of Americans his age. The doctor didn't understand it but was thrilled and said Rick had no reason to be there. They went over his numbers from many years ago up to today. It was a fast climb and now it's gone backward.
They ran that test a 2nd time to be certain because he said it is just very rare to have that happen.
We don't know how but we are thrilled.
Then his blood pressure was 130/70. Much better than it's been and Rick asked if they would do it again because he didn't believe it. The nurse laughed. They did it via cuff and machine. 3 x. All the same.
Then his cholesterol was 138.
Oh come one, this man eats cheese while looking for the bacon.
He has low cholesterol?
So all things Rick are good for the old coot and no more doctors!
I'm getting there. yipee.
When Rick got home he poured this self-leveling concrete over the bottom of the stone hearth so we can tile over it. As he was getting up from the floor he said, "I'm supposedly healthy for a man my age, but yet they haven't figured out how to get me up off the floor easily" I put out my hand to help him up and we both laughed. I said, "well we're still in our 60s."
Summer has arrived. Our spring which was gorgeous is now over.
Now going outdoors will be the death of me. I am not a fan of heat and humidity and I moved south. That's funny, isn't it?
The other evening Rick went to bed and as is the case since these meds I was wide awake. It was raining like crazy and it was sideways. I wanted to get the cushions off the porch sofa because last time I did not do that I sat on some wet cushions.
I opened the front door as quietly as I could to not wake Rick. But first, he got an alert on his phone. It was an awful sound, a piercing pitch that told him a Severe Thunderstorm was coming to our area. He comes out of the bedroom as I am coming into the house with some cushions and pillows.
He is yelling that there is a tornado get inside, duck down as he is trying to shut the door as my body is not fully inside yet.
Now I began to laugh.
He is standing in his birthday suit not fully awake and making no sense.
He said, "Can't you hear the train, what is wrong with you get inside!"
I was laughing but I shut the door to calm him down.
I calmly grabbed his hand and said, "Okay let's go back to bed and get away from this stuff." I've seen this look before. I knew he was not awake.
He and I walked down the hall. He went to bed instantly.
I went back outside and finished. There was no tornado. I was watching the weather on TV because they had interrupted normal programming with all this rain information. They said a severe thunderstorm was coming, I got up and got the cushions. But that shrieking notification he received on his phone next to his side of the bed got him awake and startled.
The next morning I said, "No tornado touched down Rick" He said, "what?"
He had no recollection of this whole event where he was screaming at me to come inside to be safe from the tornado. I told him what he was saying and doing and we both had a good laugh. Thank goodness no tornado but just a lot of rain.
He's never done that before. My first husband did sleepwalk so I could never ever go into a deep sleep. Rick behaved the same way but it was the shrieking notification that started it. The other guy really did just sleepwalk all the damn time.
One time 'the other guy' got up, lifted the cushion of a green chair we had and began to pee. As I got up to follow him I see this and tried to stop it but too late. Then he goes back to bed as I clean up the pee off our chair. Lovely. The green was the same color as our toilet. It was the 70s and we had an avocado toilet and the chair was similar in color. The next morning when he got up he saw the cushion on its side with a huge wet spot where I had cleaned it and was letting it dry. As well as the chair. He asked what the hell that was. I explained. He was mortified.
Once I heard him get up it woke me because I heard his keys rattle. OH NO. I ran down the hall. He was grabbing the car keys from the hook by the door. He then put on his NYY baseball cap also on the hook, all while only wearing his underwear. He grabbed the door handle to leave. I stopped him and said, "I want to go with you." Then when we got outside by the car I asked if I could drive. We sat in front of our home in our underwear with the car running in the wee hours of the morning. (no time to run for clothing, he moved quickly)
Then I turned off the car and said, "We better get inside or we're never getting up for work tomorrow"
And into the house he goes never waking up. I was now fully awake.
That happened a lot. I became a very light sleeper with this guy.
I then began to hide the keys at night so if I didn't hear him he couldn't drive in that state. Or he'd make food. That was scary with the gas stove. Many a night he thought there was food in the pan but there was no food. He was stirring a hot pan of nothing that could burn up the house. Oh yeah, fun times.
So when Rick did all of this, this past week it all came back to me.
Since he's never done it before I hope he never does it again.
There was no tornado, Toto, a cowardly lion, or a yellow brick road.
Last week was one of the toughest weeks yet for me.
I was actually vertical on Thursday for a few hours for Rick's birthday.
Then not again until 4pm on Friday.
We have friends here in another burb northeast of Raleigh. They had invited us to dinner. Hell during my medical protocol they have asked us to do things. We keep telling them NO. They asked us to come to dinner. They are vaxxed and wear masks so I was hoping it'd be fine. I said to Rick, just tell them yes so we can get it over with. I know that sounds mean but seriously I am not up to seeing folks but they keep asking. I hoped that once they saw this ugly big beast before them they would see all the changes and that I am sick.
I made 2 peanut butter pies one for Rick's birthday and one for Friday's dinner.
They invited us to dinner and that is another thing I don't enjoy.
I don't like to eat at other people's homes when I have no idea what I am being fed. Having Celiac Disease is something you have and then you fear eating somewhere you don't know the ingredients. In the beginning when I hadn't learned to say NO I would get cross-contamination or worse.
I'd get home and that evening be sick and be sick for 2 weeks. It takes 2 weeks for this to stop. And that's not even counting the damage you are doing to yourself inside. So I don't like this.
And the fact that I am an extremely picky eater then we have a perfect storm.
I hate fish or anything that swims. I don't do organ meat or eat things prettier than me like deer or rabbit etc. So what are the chances that we aren't going to be fed Salmon? That's what everyone wants to serve when I get to their homes. Yuck.
I move food around a lot or don't take much. But this guy put food on my plate so that was how much I got and that is what I had to eat.
We arrived at their home with our wine and PB pie.
They all began the cocktails.
I drank ice water. I had to behave darn it. We sat and chatted.
Thank God no one said, "Oh you don't look so bad" I HATE THAT!!
I do too, I know it, I have mirrors and telling me the opposite only makes me angry. While they think this is a compliment you are not complimenting me.
I take it as - you have always looked this shitty. 25lbs or more heavier, I look as sick as I feel so don't tell me I don't look different. Or as my husband so kindly put it, "I look like shit" Thank you, dear. But trust me that is more appreciated than, "Oh you look the same, whatever are you talking about?"
At one point she said to me, "don't be upset but you really look sick Peg"
I told her, "Thank you Becky!!! I am sick so what the hell."
I put on make up and tried but I know.
She laughed. She understood. They have tickets to see Bonnie Riat and they wanted us to have them because they found out they will be out of town. I love Bonnie but I can't go to a stadium of people with a suppressed immune system and having Covid cases at an all-time high here right now. They kept saying, well wear a mask. After seeing me I guess it did the trick because she said that She saw how sick I looked so she understood.
Everyone means well. But sometimes I don't think people think.
Why don't people believe that I am not well unless they see me?
Rick saw a meme and said, if this isn't you nothing is. I had to laugh.
True.
I do prefer to plow through. I don't want to lay around although this past week that is all I could muster.
I do not like to tell everyone what I am going through because I find it boring. Who wants to listen to an old person talk about their ills? No one that's who. (yet I bore ya'll here!!)
Honestly, no one cares so just live your life and go one.
I do not like to play the victim.
I do not like to say anything for fear of getting a pity response.
Everyone has shit to go through, my shit is not worse or better, it sucks for everyone.
As my stepmom has said my whole life, It is what it is.
Back to dinner - Our dinner was almost like an Osso Buco.
Instead of veal shanks, it was beef.
It was a very well-prepared dish and yummy. Paul is a great cook!
Great wine, great food, great company. But honestly, I just wanted to come home, take off the too-tight clothes, and lay down. Pitiful.
Rick asked on the way home if it was nice to get out of the house.
No, not really. I hope so soon though.
I go back to see my eye doctor at Duke tomorrow. I hope he says it has improved enough so I don't have 3 more months of chemo as originally planned.
I just want it to stop now, I've had enough.
I am 100% certain that if I get a dire diagnosis someday for cancer I will refuse chemo. It's killing me and it feels it is more so than my mass.
In good news, did ya'll see the new eye drops for those of us who need reading glasses? I am going to ask him about this tomorrow. I know, I know, this has nothing to do with 'betty' but it is something I am curious about when this is over and I would like to ask him his thoughts. Apparently, these new FDA-approved eye drops will allow you to skip your reading glasses for 8 hrs.
I would put them in before going out to a restaurant so I could read the menu.
I'll let you know what my Doctor says about this. I find it so interesting. If this does work why can't they do this for your complete vision instead of lasik? So many questions.
While I've been laying around I did watch a documentary on George Carlin. I loved it. It was on HBO & HBO MAX if you are so inclined.
I don't always agree with everything this man says but he is smart as a whip and funny to me. He makes me think. He reminds me a lot of Ricky Gervais in a way. I adore Ricky G as you all know but some things while clever and funny I don't always agree with him either but I see his point and see the funny. I did not have the urge to go up to the stage to slap or beat him.
I don't know if ya'll saw but a man stormed the stage at a concert to kill the comedian Dave Chappelle because he didn't like what he said. The man was hauled off the stage and shortly thereafter was arrested. He was arrested for misdemeanor battery and possession of a weapon with intent to assault.
He claims he was "triggered" by the comedian's topics on homelessness and gentrification of neighborhoods. Oh please, people.
After watching the documentary about George Carlin I wondered what would have happened in those days?
I did see where Dave wanted to talk to this young man. Dave said he appeared to be mentally ill but it's not for him to decide. I'll tell you I am not so sure I would be going into a room with someone who tried to kill me. I am sure there were police but I'm a big ass baby. But Dave said he just wanted to see him and talk to him and ask him some questions. A bigger man than me!
Let's start with some updates on a few things - Not all of you understood what I meant in my last blog post. While that is okay I do want to address a couple of things.
Just because I felt that Rick's girlfriend was not a nice person didn't mean that I can tell who should be married etc. You see it's not that she was not for him, it's that she was not a nice human. Period. (in fact she was arrested for embezzlement later and we found out she did something with a child)
I was married once before Rick to a man named Rick.
He was a great guy - we just shouldn't have gotten married since we were high school sweethearts and too damn young. Great human, just that we didn't grow in the same direction. So I couldn't tell you who was good for you only you can do that.
I can just "see" bad people.
Bad for you is VERY different than a bad human.
#2, you may not see it with Creepy Airline Guy, which is fine. That's not your thing!
I also agreed with you if you actually read the post, that I too would want him if my plane was going down. I just will never want him alone around my small children, my wife, or around my business/money. He, in his core to me only, is not a nice human being. You don't have to see it or agree, that was the whole damn point! I've just learned to listen to my inner self and I have yet to be wrong. So by the time I was 60 I listen to it all the damn time. I wish I were wrong sometimes but it's never failed me and sometimes you don't find out if you were right or wrong for years. Hence why I don't share it either. Hell people loved Hitler and didn't see it either.
#3, I think it was Rae that said she didn't like Biden's face or didn't think it was a "nice" face. That made me laugh out loud. That seemed more of a political statement/view than anything I was referring to. If so then not even the same thing but I also understand how that sharp right turn was made.
His face is sometimes smug and arrogant, his core is not evil. That is the difference that wasn't understood in the post. Oh well, enough of that. I will not write about that again. I never did before for this exact reason.
Now to what has been happening around these parts.
I find the more chemo, the worse I feel. Imagine that. HA
This week was the toughest of all with every single aspect of it.
But I plowed through and did all I could.
This constant feeling of being freezing cold is so damn weird for me since I have always been the girl in the room who is always warmer than everyone. Whether I was 21 or 51 I am always too warm. I like my home on the colder side and thankfully so does Rick. But now I'm cold all the time. As I type this the day was 97 degrees. I came home and put on a sweatshirt and fleece pj bottoms. I am always cold now. Rick is in shorts and bare feet and I'm dressed like it's winter. It's weird. Rick even asked if I wanted him to turn up the A/C. Heaven's no, it's 97 outside. You be comfortable, I will put on more clothes this is my issue. As I sit wrapped up in a blanket I must remember this later in summer when I am so damn hot right?
Wednesday night we were up late for us.
It was a glorious evening weather-wise and we went outside on our front porch to see our new solar lights now that it was dark out.
We put them into the ground earlier in the day. They are the kind that are flush to the ground, they do not stand up for you to see.
We still aren't sure they are in the correct spots but we wanted to see how they looked now that it was evening. So we went out to view them and then sat down on the porch just chatting about our day and enjoying the evening breeze. At midnight I said Happy Birthday to Rick.
The first thing he said was, "can I have some peanut butter pie now?" Honestly that man and food. He saw me making it earlier in the day and he has been dying to have a piece. I always make his favorite for his birthday. Usually, it's beer cake but this year he wanted Peanut Butter Pie.
My thought was GREAT since this was a bad health week. PB Pie is so damn easy.
I told him, " It's your birthday if you wish to have your dessert at midnight go for it," I told him I'd fetch him his pie and I did. I am not a big fan of peanut butter pie. I tasted it, it's good but a whole piece is just too much peanut butter for me. But not for Rick.
As we sat on the front porch he ate his pie and he was telling me about his trip to the DMV earlier that day. The woman he was dealing with was rude he told me. He said and I quote, "She was very mean and cranky!"
I said to him in her defense that you did get there at the end of the day maybe she was tired. Was she old?
He made such a face and emphatically said, "OMG yes, she was easily in her 60's." He said this as if he was 30.
I had a hearty laugh and he looked at me puzzled. I said, "Richard you just turned 67 an hour ago!" He looked at me and then it registered, and boy did he ever laugh. He seriously doesn't think of himself as old. I wish I could be as delusional as my funny hubby.
This morning we were watching something with Ricky Gervais.
Ricky Gervais is one of my all-time favorite men/comedians. I adore him!!
(aside from After Life, I loved The Invention of Lying)
I may not agree with him on every subject but he makes you think and he puts things in perspective. He's smart. I like me a smart funny man. :-)
Anyway, he said something that Rick has said to anyone who asks this question for years!
Ricky G. has been with his girlfriend for over 38 years.
He was asked what the secret was to their long-lasting relationship.
His answer was, "Because I'm a great guy" Everyone laughed, but my Rick.
Rick looked at me and said, "Hey, your boyfriend stole that from me!"
Yes, that's where he heard it, Rick, from you, in our living room.
Rick has always wanted to go to this Draft House very close to our home.
We did all things Rick wanted today just like on my birthday.
I bet you'd never guess we went to a lumber yard.
Our last stop was to go to the Draft House. It was far nicer than I thought it would be. And thankfully due to the time of day, it hardly had any people in it! Which is perfect and what we were shooting for. whew!
Rick loves a burger. His favorite thing to ever eat is a great burger.
So we bellied up to the bar and had a drink. I could only have one with these drugs but I had a great gin and tonic and he got his beer.
He can only have 2 or that pesky ole gout will show up.
The fun of a birthday at age 67.
He had his blue cheeseburger and moaned through most of it.
He was a happy camper. We met a nice couple from Syracuse NY.
She is a yarn dyer. I went to her Instagram and saw her work. She does some really nice work. This was our last stop and late in the day, a very late lunch or a very early dinner. Either way, neither of us had to cook dinner.
If you like peanut butter you may love this as much as everyone else who eats this.
I served it on an oreo crust instead of a pie crust and I did take some chocolate and put a couple lines over top and then some whipped cream on a piece. I've also made it on a graham cracker crust. Rick prefers either of those over a standard pie crust but he'd eat it any way he is served it.
I find it too peanut butter-y since I am not a big peanut butter fan.
I saw the man interviewed who landed a plane when his pilot passed out.
He was really creepy to me. I did not like him. I am so very glad he landed the plane for all to survive, but boy oh boy, would I avoid him if not on a plane. Serious creep factor on many levels for me. MANY.
I'd thank him for saving my life and then walk far away from him!
Hopefully, I would be wrong.
Since I was a very, very, small child I would say things like, "I don't like his face" I knew what I meant but as I got older I realized that people thought this had something to do with their looks. Oh no, not at all.
Meaning not such a nice person. Beware. As a child, I didn't understand why I would get these strong feelings they kind of scared me, to be honest.
Then in my 20s, I would push those feelings deep down telling myself that I am judging this person because I feel something is off. It's me, not them.
I should give them the benefit of the doubt, I don't know them.
Do I wish to be judged like that? No, and I hated it is always done to me.
I have been judged all my life. Whether because of my job or in high school because I was a cheerleader, or in my career because I was the only woman, or by my clothes or my body.
I heard it all so I didn't wish to be like that so I would push it far down.
By the time I was 40 I was done with that foolishness.
I realized each time I felt that person was off, I was always proven right later. And more often than not I was the one burned, hurt, or both.
Why was I hurt, why was I surprised? I knew this from the moment I met them, but I didn't listen to my gut so it was my own fault wasn't it?
I was giving myself grief, and guilt for all of it.
I so hated that after they did a bad thing or said a bad thing and showed their true colors that only then did I realize I was right all along. Why didn't I trust myself but only feel guilt about this? (Guilt is a big part of my life sadly.)
Oh, there were times before age 40 when I'd beat myself up because everyone loved her/him, why did I think there was something not right?
Why did I think this person couldn't be trusted? I did not really know them. So again, I'd keep it to myself because I must be wrong and I'd beat myself up for being judgemental. But I wasn't wrong and I'd pay the price for not listening to my 'feelings' again. I beat myself up for being what I thought was judgemental and I'd jump in knowing I shouldn't then I'd beat myself up for being taken advantage of. When I should have just listened to my inner bitch and stayed clear as I felt from the beginning.
But after the age of 40, I listened to my gut. I did not care if you thought I was judgemental in any way. I just stayed clear of those folks. When others thought the sun rose and set on them I stood back and just waited, I was never wrong. But I still had incredible guilt about it! It felt not nice to me. I thought I hid it well but I don't know.
Rick had a boss who I warned him about that I have shared here.
I was sad to be correct because he caused my husband so much pain and grief. I just "felt" it the moment I saw him.
After meeting him I told Rick he does not have a nice face. While I know that sounds simplistic and childish it was my only way to explain what I saw and felt. I went into detail with Rick on issues he would have. Rick poo-pooed me because he really liked him so far, yet he was cautious because he had seen me in this scenario before.
Sadly, everything I told him this man was after meeting him for 2 minutes and shaking his hand came to fruition. Now, you'd think I'd honor my feelings and not stuff them down. But still, I didn't do it all the time because of guilt. And that was the only time I shared with Rick because I knew he was going to be like a hurricane and cause us so much grief, and he did big time.
When Rick and I were just friends I went back to my hometown for a weekend. He and I made plans to meet for drinks.
Rick and I were discussing our individual relationships.
He was telling me about his bimbo de jour.
He asked if it was okay if she met us later for drinks. Sure!
She arrived at our table and I swear a very cold dark feeling came over me. Shit! What will I say to Rick? She didn't stay long because she was doing something with her mom.
We said our pleasantries and off she went.
Rick said, "Well?"
I asked, "Well do you like her?"
He did, but he wanted my comments.
I said, "she seems nice Rick we didn't really talk, she was only here for a couple of minutes. She sure is pretty"
He said, "I know you're keeping something from me, write it down and we'll visit this later."
I just laughed at him but he was insistent. So we decided I would write my true feelings on this piece of paper and we'd give it to a 3rd person to hold. So into a sealed envelope, it went. He went through women like others change socks, so I knew this would be a few more weeks, 1 month at best.
When they broke up after all the big drama and chaos I reminded him about the envelope. He forgot. We went to his friends to get it.
We poured drinks and sat down at his kitchen table and opened it.
He read it and his mouth fell open. Everything was there that he now saw and some of the shit I said she'd do to him. All of it. He asked me how did I know this. I said it was all over her pretty face. He laughed and said how about you meet all the women in my life?
I said, "oh you need to clean house buddy! Besides who has the time for that?"
We laughed and that was that.
Now when I have that 'feeling' Rick and I both pay attention.
Is it judgemental? I guess so.
But until I am wrong I have to pay attention to it. I just don't share it often with Rick and never with anyone else.
Rick says it's just me but he now listens to it if I should say anything.
I prefer not to say anything because if I am wrong I surely don't want Rick or anyone to go into this prejudice you know? That would be awful to me.
Do you also have this or go through this?
Do you have these "feelings" or insight? Whatever we want to call it.
__________________
Jumping tracks ----
My inability to hear as well as I did at 25 years old is funny most days.
We were watching People Puzzler the other evening.
I was actually painting this vase while watching.
The host asked the contestant, "What would you be doing if you weren't on People Puzzler?"
I heard the man say, "Pooping, Leah"
I laughed and said, "Please tell me I heard that wrong and he didn't say he was pooping."
Rick said in all seriousness, "No, he said that"
"Richard, did you really hear that or are you pulling my leg?"
Rick's tongue comes out ever so slightly out of the corner of his mouth - sure sign he is friggin' lying to me!!
"What did he really say?"
He said, "he'd be pooping Margaret."
So I will never know what the guy really said, but something tells me the guy did not tell all of America he would be pooping if he was not on the show!
I left my bubble yesterday and it felt so damn good!
Since I was told to not be around a lot of folks due to my suppressed immune system I have been a good girl and I've listened to the doctors.
Oh sure, I get the pleasure of going to the pharmacy with mask in place or a doctors office.
Woo-hoo.
But other than my yard that has been my travels for 3 months!!
Due to a concern my primary doctor wanted more blood work. Because of my big purple sprained right ankle Rick said he'd drive me. He dropped me off and he went to put air in our tire and get gas because it just went to and over $4.00 all at once.
They take one vial of blood and I'm done. I waited to be called from the lobby longer than this took to drain from me.
I hobbled out to the car and Rick told me he needed walnut wood filler and was going to stop at Lowes. Of course you are.
Lowes and lumber...his mistress.
After Lowes we saw all this new construction. This area is so much like when we moved to Northern VA 25 yrs ago. It was considered 'out there' and suddenly it's big and built up and everyone is moving there. New buildings every day. Just like that.
As we drove by Rick said, hey, Tacos and Tequila.
I asked, "What the hell are you talking about?"
Well by this time he
has made a U-turn.
Now I see the new restaurant sign that reads 'Tacos and Tequila' in the brand spanking new plaza.
Well that's a good name, you know what they serve.
Rick said, "you've been telling me you've been craving real tacos and a margarita for 3 months, let's go! "
So what the hell, we did.
Because it was afternoon it wasn't real busy. Too early for dinner, too late for lunch. So not a lot of people so that was good.
All I know is that tacos and tequila are good for what ails you!!
One margarita did me in. Since I'm not suppose to drink I did not go for more.
It was the perfect, not sweet, margarita.
The corn chips were awesome too. We each just got a Taco sampler. Ricks on flour and mine on corn. There were 6 of them.
Now these are small and perfect. I ate 3. I brought the other 3 home. Rick, of course ate all 6. Then moans that he ate too much. He cracks me up.
This hit my craving. I love real tacos and they were easy to get up north but haven't seen much outside Taco bell here and those aren't real tacos, so this was great!
Back in the day when I had a corporate job and a cleaning lady she spoiled me with great authentic Mexican food. When her mom visited she stayed for a full month. Her mom made enchiladas and I made a Lasagna and we'd trade a 13x9 pan of goodies. She always wanted lasagna. My least favorite food.
She made me tortillas from scratch and she asked for my Xmas cookies (pizzelles).
It was fun to trade Italian food with Mexican food with her. She made me a Mexican soup, I made her pasta e fagioli and once wedding soup. She brought her mom to meet us and while she barely spoke English we all seemed to have a nice time. She came with tequila from her home in Mexico as a gift, how do you not like this woman?
She told Rick his meatballs were the best she ever tasted. Olga translated to her mom how my grandmother taught him and gave him her 'recipe' which means, some of this, some of that with no measurements. She laughed and nodded and somehow we all understood each other.
So yesterday I got to leave my house, eat fabulous tacos and have tequila. I proceeded to come home and I took a 1 hr nap. My body couldn't handle all that excitement after 3 months of nothing!
Here is a photo showing my week vs Rick's. I'd say he is more productive, I just take more pills.
I went out to the shop to visit him. He was twirling this small piece of wood in his hands. I asked what he was doing. He shared that he wanted to do something and not waste this wood but wasn't sure what he could make.
He said, "It will speak to me"
Or course, being the ever supportive wife I laughed at him and said, "Okay, okay, I can't wait to hear it."
He began taking off the bark and turning the inside to make it hollow. He stopped and I asked why. He said,"See the nub? I'm going to cut it off."
He stopped himself and said, "yes! See, it spoke to me, I'm going to make a ring and jewelry holder?"
I'm laughing big time now!
"Rick, that baby penis thing is going to be something?"
He said, "just watch."
So I did. I sat in the comfy chair in his shop and watched him.
Rick had a sleep study Sunday night. They thought perhaps he has sleep apnea. I don't think they will find it but what do I know, I am not a doctor I just sleep with him
He had a sleep study about 18 or so yrs ago and he said he couldn't sleep because they put this machine on his chest and he could only lay on his back. So to say he wasn't looking forward to this was a understatement.
He had to be there at 8p Sunday night.
He kept busy all day, nary a nap so he would be plenty tired. He kissed me good bye at 7:30pm.
With my ankle being what it is, I settled into Rick's ugly chair to keep my leg up. I had an evening of "Peggy" tv. Shows he doesn't watch, The First Lady, Gaslight. Yes historical shit. I find Sean Penn as John Mitchell amazing!!
Here he is as John Mitchell.
I firmly believe Sean is the best actor of my generation. I absolutely hate him here, but it's his character not him! He as always is brilliant.
After watching both of these shows, I watched more.
I just wasn't sleepy. I finally crawled into bed around midnight but I can't sleep with Rick not here I found out.
I got out of bed and roamed the house. I needed Rick home. I was limping to the coffee machine when he walked in the door at 6:30am.
The first thing he said was, "I couldn't sleep without you" I laughed and said I know!! God we're pathetic!
He was hooked up to wires but thankfully the technology has improved and there was no box that had to sit on his chest. He was wired from his head on down. He had an allergic reaction to the goop and they insisted he wasn't allergic. But everywhere they put it he has a ring rash the size of the electrodes and it itches like hell.
I asked if he had to get up to pee what do they do?
He rings a bell and they unhooked him. Not fun, but it had to be done. They knew he wasn't sleeping and suggested watching TV because it has helped out others to sleep so he tried that. He slept off and on and at 6a they told him he was done.
Rick's snoring was getting bad and then his oxygen level wasn't great and that is why they assumed sleep apnea. Rick bought an aperatice similar to a mouth guard specifically made for his issue. It stopped his snoring immediately and he sleeps better and says he is refreshed when he wakes up vs. before this mouth piece. We were shocked this online $40 thing worked. So this test should prove interesting.
I tend to get dizzy and light headed these days. It's a side effect from the meds.
No big deal for the most part.
I have been known to stand up and go, whoa, and sit back down until it passes. But it did not go down that way Saturday night.
I stood up and got dizzy as I do...BUT this time my legs just gave out on me.
On the way down Rick saw me and tried to grab me before I hit the floor but it did not work. We both went down. So now we two old fools were both laying on the ground laughing our asses off.
As we laid on the floor Rick said, "this is like Grace and Frankie, who is gonna help us?" We laid there for a bit just laughing like damn fools.
We are both fine. I really twisted my ankle and can not put any weight on it, but we are both otherwise fine.
All is well but in good news I got out of finishing the backyard edging....tee hee
Warning, Yvonne you will wish to skip the beginning because it is a human interest story that happened at a ballgame which you tell me each time I post the word baseball how you hate it and won't read it.
So you can stop here or skip to after the video, all understood!😁
_______
My favorite team has won 11 games in a row as of Tuesday night.
Rick has insisted all that winning is because I am unable to watch them play. If I watch they lose.
Well of course that isn't true, or is it?
Being married to a minor league ballplayer (1st hubby) I know all too well the superstitious things ballplayers do. If he was on a streak EVERYTHING had to remain the same in his life, the food, which foot went into his underwear or pants first. It was crazy. But all of them did this.
I used to laugh but I saw how these men all took this very seriously so I never laughed when they were around. If it messes with their heads, then do it so it doesn't. That I understood at least.
Well, now ole Rick here got in my head reminding me last game they lost I got to see. Damn it! He just kept telling me I was the reason they were winning because I wasn't watching.
Tuesday night a game was televised on a regular MLB channel on TV.
I recorded it and the show after in case it went extra innings. I refused to watch I did not want to make them lose. They were playing the Blue Jays and man they are a hot team right now. Rick was amused by all this which he freaking started. He kept flipping over to the game and I would walk away. I just didn't want to jinx it. Go back to 'This Is Us' I'd say!
At 4:05am I couldn't fall back to sleep. I laid there for 1 hr listening to Rick's rhythmic breathing. I finally got up and showered. I made some coffee and sat down to watch a baseball game. It worked.
We won. (we? what position do I play?)
There were a few plays that we did not deserve that the umps got wrong.
We still would have won but I just hate when that happens.
Then the nicest friggin' thing ever happened.
Aaron Judge hit another home run and a Blue Jays fan caught it and gave it to a 9-year-old boy sitting nearby who was wearing an Aaron Judge NY Jersey. The kid as you will see below bursts into tears and hugs the stranger.
This world is so awful and then you see this and well my allergies (wink wink). flared up when I watched it.
This is a nice man! A good man. This nice kind-hearted man was Canadian....would an American do this? Possibly, the likelihood of it happening is small and minuscule sadly. Now if you see someone in the opposing jersey you can lose your life. It has happened.
This 9-year-old boy got to meet his favorite player Wednesday before the game with his parents. It made the poor kid cry again. He got his ball signed and his jersey. He shook Aaron Judge's hand. The video was adorable.
The boy's father and family are all Blue Jays fans. I wonder how this kid became a Yankee fan? He also told Aaron Judge that the man who gave him the ball was his new best friend. How cute is that?
Why can't everyone do nice things for one another?
You know like leave my uterus alone?
In other news....
I had to go to Walgreens Tuesday. They offer the lowest Good Rx price on my one drug not covered by insurance (thyroid - crazy) So after the pharmacy, I walked down an aisle to leave and I see something and pick it up. I get in line. There is a very old man and woman in front of me. I notice their things on the counter, depends, Voltaren (the new bengay, lol) some aspirin, medical things, etc.
The woman picks up the tulips on the counter as an impulse buy.
There were 3 bulbs with leaves in a container for $8.99.
I thought $9 for 3 bulbs was high.
She turned to me and asked,"are all of these only 3 bulbs?" As if I worked there.
I looked at them all and said, "It appears so." She put it on the counter.
When the man said, "I can do this for $7.99 today" She went ballistic!!
She began to yell, "why are you charging me more money?"
Now, this was loud, very loud and I really thought this was going to get violent the way she was behaving.
I was confused.
Apparently so was the nice cashier.
The cashier said again, "no ma'am I am only going to charge you $7.99, not $8.99.
Now the woman is clearly agitated. She is now rocking back and forth and it's getting faster and her husband who is bagging their things looks back and appears confused. Again, the woman LOUDLY says, "this is not right, you're cheating me! 8.99 is less than 7.99!!"
Then she turns to me and says, "why is he doing this to me?" '
She hits the counter with her fist and she is rocking faster now.
Oh boy. I touch her back and rubbed it, I do not know why but it seems to calm her as I said softly and slowly close to her ear, "actually he is giving you a dollar off the regular price so it is a good thing to save $1.00 today. You are saving one dollar."
She slowly stopped rocking now but I still had my hand on her back. I could see her changing. Now her husband has come back and is staring at us.
It was quiet for what seemed like a long time but I'm certain it wasn't.
Then the woman turns to me and says meekly, "I think I just got confused, he is saving me one dollar right?"
I said, "Yes he is a nice man (she called him a mean man several times) and he wants to help you"
The cashier and I locked eyes and again he mouthed 'thank you'
The woman's husband asked what was going on and she quickly but sounding annoyed at his question she said, "I just got confused for a minute, everything is fine"
Her poor husband. Poor her! Is this just a brain fart or something more?
It felt like it was something more.
She gathered her things and thanked me but never made eye contact for helping her and they left.
The cashier said to me, "When I saw you touch her I thought she was going to go nuts and or hit you" I said, "you know I have never touched a stranger before but she was escalating and I just felt she needed calming with all that rocking. I didn't know if it would work at all, it was happening so fast that I wasn't even thinking I was just on autopilot."
While this woman was screaming another person came to the counter and it appeared to me they were just observing but I didn't pay a lot of attention because I was trying to get this woman to calm down. (Besides, he was on my right, and unless looking directly at him I couldn't see him)
Well apparently he was a mgr, he was now back to the counter to thank me and gave me a gift card to Walgreens. So not necessary but how damn nice was that? Apparently, he heard her yelling all the way in the back of the store where he was.
Then the manager asked what made me think to touch her she seemed like she could be violent. I said I have no idea whatsoever.
Honest to God it was like instinct. I didn't think.
I have never done that in my life or thought about it.
It was instinct or a higher power that just made me do it.
It never occurred to me to do anything, it just happened and I am as shocked as you!
Thank goodness it worked.
One thing that couple did not have to pay for was toothpaste. They didn't have but a tooth or two so maybe that $1 can go into savings for her to get some teeth. :-) Then again they may have teeth they don't wish to wear that day.
Then my next stop was the post office in my little burb. I've been there 3 times. Each time it's worse than the time before. They are rude and mean.
I went into the post office with 3 boxes.
One had a free shipping label.
I had 2 others that I needed to fill out labels for and I asked what labels I needed on these. I saw a priority mail, an express, etc which label should I be using for the least expensive but to still be able to track?
Post office: and I quote, "how would I know how you wish to send it?"
Me: Pardon me?
Post-Ofc: she said if you want it to go express fill out that form. etc.
Me: Could you tell me the cost difference then?
Post Office: Yes if you know how you want to send it.
Me: I laugh and say I don't know because I don't know the difference in cost. (I thought she was not understanding me but oh she did)
Post Office: Behind you on the wall are labels, you can buy them for $.99.
Me: Labels aren't free? Does that label send them ground, air, express, priority?
Post office: Some labels are free, but Ma'am how do you think I would know how you wish to send them?
Me: I'm sorry, let me try this again. I need to know the least expensive way these 2 boxes can be sent. 1 is local and 1 is going to Vermont, here are the addresses.
What method would be the least expensive?
Post office: (loudly as if I'm deaf) HOW.DO.I. KNOW.HOW.YOU WANT.TO.SEND THESE?
This was said in such a rude tone. She looked at the man next to her, they laughed and rolled their eyes.
I grabbed my boxes off the counter, and she asked, Where are you going?
I said, "UPS" I heard what name they called me as I walked away.
I will not stoop to the hillbilly's level and I said nothing else and went to my car fuming.
In reality, I did not go to UPS. I sat in my car and googled 'post office near me'. There was another 6 miles away in another town.
I drove out of my way to go there. It was only 6 miles so what the hell.
Gas is $3.89 and I'm driving extra miles!
I got up to the counter when it was my turn.
Me: Could you please tell me if one of these is going to VT and one local how much it would cost or which label I fill out to get the least expensive and still have tracking?
Post office: Well for the local I can do $5 and don't bother with any labels, here is a pen, just write the address on the box.
The other one to VT would be $12 and that is the cheapest way to go and you will get tracking. It'll be there by Monday if that works for you. Then just write on the box with the felt tip pen. If you go to the counter, just wave when you're done so you won't have to go to the end of the line again. Then he took the box with the free shipping label from me.
**He did tell me the cost of the priority etc and they were all too much for what I was sending**
Me; Thank you so much! I grab the pen and head to the counter he sent me to fill out the boxes.
When I brought my things back to the counter I paid and was given my tracking info. He thanked me and I said, 'oh no, thank you I was somewhere else and they were so unhelpful.
Post office: Oh you were at the Garner post office weren't you? and he laughed.
Me: Gee, I see everyone knows how awful they are.
Post office: Oh we hear this daily at least once.
Me: I'm glad you are only 6 miles further - I will drive here from now on.
Then he gave me a link to fill out a survey. Oh, boy did I.
