Braces

When I was 46 I had to get braces. My teeth no longer met when I bit down causing my teeth to miss one another and I choked a couple of times.

After the 3rd time, Rick said you must see a dentist. I did. Not thrilled the only way to fix it was braces. I had metal braces on the bottom and plastic on top. I should have just done all metal. Those plastic ones take on the color of everything you eat no matter how much you brush. And with braces, you are brushing all the time.

I wore those braces for 18 months to the day. I found them painful after each tightening and they would say to go home and take Advil. I took Advil before I went, it was better that way. Then after the tightening, I took Advil and sometimes a glass of wine. 

Then I went through the rubber band stage. Oh, that was pretty. I'd forget to remove them and bite into something and they would fly across the room.

Kissing was so damn difficult with braces so if you have kids, put them in braces! Teens should all wear braces😋

I was always the tallest person in the waiting room. I was also the only one who didn't read the Highlight Magazine or play the Xbox games. I felt so weird being 46 and going to the orthodontist where everyone was 9-14. 

When I was getting my braces off I was so excited. I could eat an apple. 

I don't even love apples but the idea of biting into one sounded so wonderful.  I hadn't been able to do that for 18months. It was now summer and I could have corn on the cob. Biting into a burger or any type of sandwich was awful too so I couldn't wait until these were off my teeth. 

As the young woman was removing my braces she asked me something and I answered like Rick. Oh how I regret this.

She asked, 'What are you going to eat first when these come off?"

I said, "my husband" and as soon as I did I realized - Margaret know your audience this was so inappropriate!!! I could feel my face getting warm and red.

She on the other hand began laughing hysterically, she began to sit down and I looked at her and she had tears running down her face. 

She said, "In all my years that is the best damn answer anyone has given me! I so was not expecting that answer. Oh my God"  She was laughing so hard she had to stop what she was doing.  I want to melt away.

I apologized and she said, "oh no don't! I work with preteens mostly and all they do is whine. You have been a delight to work with over these past few months and now this line....OMG I can't wait to tell my husband." 

Oh, thank God I did not offend her!

But I was embarrassed. 

I just flippantly said a smart-ass remark, not even meaning it, as much as just being funny. Something I'd say to my family and friends, not a stranger!

I wanted to crawl into the floor.  THINK BEFORE YOU SPEAK MARGARET!

Thankfully the subject was changed.

Now here we are 17 years later and my damn teeth have moved again. I will not go through braces again. My jaw has not moved so the metal plate I had to wear under my tongue did the trick but again, painful!

Maybe Invisalign but they are so expensive 'they' say.  Besides at my age, no one looks at me anyway so it is what it is.

Two days ago I was in the grocery store in the wine aisle because 

Rick asked me to pick up some wine. (I still am not drinking, it's just horrible)

A woman keeps looking at me. Now, in a mask how the hell can anyone recognize me? I go around the corner to view the wines on that side and I catch her looking at me. Finally, I said, "Can I help you I feel like you are staring at me, do we know each other?"  She said I think I know you.  I asked where she works and she said, "oh, it's not where I work now but where I used to work. Did you see Dr. N for braces?" Oh God, I thought please don't let it be her.  It was her.

She went on to tell me she never forgot me. She said nice things and then said that line I never forgot and I went home and told my husband that working with adults was so much more fun. All I heard was, blah blah blah and Peg you ole fool this is going to haunt you!

I do not know how she recognized me now having salt and pepper hair and a mask on. When I asked her she said your eyes. Well, that is all you can see I responded. We chuckled. 

I'm not sure this is how I would choose to be remembered but whether good or bad it happened. 

Loss or Is It?

I'm 64 for another few weeks. I did something for the first time in my life.

A friend wrote me a long email and asked me about the situation. I said nothing about it. I didn't wish to add to it. I danced around it. 

Then she called me and told me the story again and said don't you think she is wrong? Long pause as I thought what to say. No, I didn't think Sara was wrong, I thought my friend was wrong. 100% wrong.

But until she wrote to me again via email I said nothing. I just bobbed and weaved.

In the last email I said my peace. 

I've never done that before. I felt bad but...

Now I have known this woman since April 1987. She moved to Cleveland from San Francisco for her job. She was from the east coast so she was happy to get closer to home. 

I moved to Cleveland from little ole Erie PA for same job.

We worked out of the same office but we were only in the office on Mondays. 

The rest of the week we were in our territories. I had the east side and some south. She had the west side and some southern areas.

On Mondays, we'd go to a fun place after work that was next to our office and we'd have drinks and dinner, normally nacho's for dinner. 

I learned she was married 2 times. She was 31 at the time. 

I was fascinated that she was already married twice. I learned over time that she never wants to have a job just do whatever she wants to do so she does what she barely has to at her job leaving her time for her fun activities like horse back riding, art/painting etc. She would brag about this to me. I normally just laughed it off. 

Her first marriage was at 19. He lived on a boat. But the life on the boat wasn't what she wanted after a while. She wanted a house which caused them to fight a lot she told me She said she was trying to change him and she got frustrated and got divorced. Then her 2nd marriage where her husband and she fought over what he called her laziness. She calls it her need to be free and to express herself in art and other utter bullshit. 

At this point, I didn't even know she liked art let alone did anything artistic.

Now she was telling me about a guy in San Francisco that she began to date prior to moving to Cleveland. They drove across the country together to get her to Cleveland with all of her belongings. (I'd have flown since we could fly for free and the company paid for our things to be shipped! Again she was smooth in why and how she got him to do this.) 

She thought it would be romantic and she was hoping he would move to Cleveland for his job so they could be together. She told me she was putting pressure on him to see this was what needed to be done. 

She told me he would come around. 

I met him several times and he was nice enough but a weak spineless man. He was a mechanic for an airline. I wasn't impressed with him as a person and really thought she would lose interest while they were far away. He was nice enough to me and Rick but I didn't see why she was doing this. She didn't appear to love him. Now I realize she could get him to do anything she wanted and he would fold. She wins and that is the end goal.

But as time went on I saw her work ethic. Our boss would ask me to pick up her slack and one day I told my boss that doing this from time to time was one thing but now you have me doing a lot of her work as well as all of mine.  I felt I should then be paid for it. 

Oh, I shouldn't have done that. It became an issue because now our boss wanted to fire her. Now i felt terrible. I just wanted to not do her work, not get her fired. 

I tried to encourage J without telling her what I knew. I helped her every damn day, but looking back I wasn't helping her at all. 

I was trying to save her job that she didn't give a shit about.

I enjoyed my time with J.but working with her wasn't all that great. 

When we held a training class for our customers on our software training she never did what needed to be done and her clients would call me. 

I always had to teach the class while she filed her nails. I did all the prep work and making of handouts. I did it all. She showed up in expensive clothing always looking smart but didn't do any of the work.

So while I had fun with her outside of work, working with her was a challenge for me.  

As I lived there I was making friends. I was joining classes to meet people. 

I knew no one there so as I made friends I did see her less. I told her about me joining a cross country ski group because I loved to CC ski. She laughed at me. But I made friends who are still my friends today. She also was concerned about my dating life. I told her it was not a priority, when it happens it happens. I was not looking to get married. She actually said, "You want to work your whole life?" 

Ah, I love my career and hope to move up and do more! 

Then work began putting pressure on her to do her job alone. No more asking me to do things for her customers. I kind of thought they were trying to get rid of her and put all these new directives in front of both of us. She was failing and she would call me and bitch about the job and how she hated it and was hoping to get married and not have to work. 

How 1950's of her. As if being a stay at home mom and wife is not work. But more on that later.

Then one day she told me that her boyfriend, G., was moving to Virginia for his job. He would be working at Dulles airport. She begged him to marry her so she could leave her job. 

Next thing I know she is leaving her job. She basically told them to F-off and walked out. She took her airline pension and began packing up her condo. She invited me over while G was there helping her pack. 

She was upstairs when he grabbed me and took me to the kitchen.

He said, "I do not wish to be married to J!!!! You have got to talk her out of this. Please help me." 

I told him he should be telling HER this, NOT me. I will not tell her this but you must!  He said she doesn't hear me.  I told him to say it until she does.

He did not tell her until about 30 years later. She would say things and not even hear the horrible mean responses he'd say to her as I stood there and listened. I felt like I was being punked. Why is she doing this?

Why is he doing this if he doesn't want to? Speak up!

Before I left only she and I were outside by my car. I told her I wished her the best, but you know you don't have to get married. Go live in VA with him and see how this plays out. Nope, she says, "we'll be married before we get there".   I drove back to my place and asked myself should I have said something? Did I do the right thing? She was 32 or 33 by this point so who am I to tell her what to do with her life? But was I being a friend by being silent? I don't know.  They married at a justice of the peace somewhere between San Fran and Virginia.

She and I kept in touch and she was loving VA. She had her horses at her home and acreage. She was doing what she wanted - nothing. No kids, no job, just her art and horses. She was asked by someone about some of her art to sell. But she never did because she had to get her shit together to do so. It was "too much work" to do all that she would tell me. Again I just nodded and sometimes asked about all this work and could I help her? 

But otherwise, I kept my comments to myself. She was lazy and boy I could see it now for certain.

When we moved near them we saw them frequently before they had kids. 

Once we were invited out for a BBQ.  It is now evening and Rick and I are sitting next to one another on these chaise lounge chairs on their patio. We were holding hands. J. came outside and said, "oh my gosh you still hold hands? I can barely look at G. let alone hold his hand?"  

Who the hell says that about their spouse who is sitting right there? 

We didn't respond. I got up to get another margarita and as I walked by her husband in his chair she smacked him upside the head and said, "Get the hell out of this chair I was sitting here first" And one of their fights begin.

But he does. Oh, Rick would never tolerate that nor would I. Do not hit!

Rick looks over at me and we decide to leave after this. G. says, Oh don't leave we're like this all the time. As if that was going to make us feel comfortable.

Then a few weeks later she calls me to tell me she is having a baby. 

I was shocked. G. Always said he didn't want children. Oh boy. 

FF to this child be around. A cute kid. A smart kid. J. idolized this kid.

She gave him everything but discipline. She told him constantly that he was smarter than everyone especially his father. (how awful is that?) 

As he grew up she leaned on him like she should her spouse. She confided in him things she shouldn't have like his father was a weak man who wasn't very smart. I heard it all and saw it all. She used him as a serogate spouse. It was sickening and as the young man got older I saw he was uncomfortable with it.

Then one day she asks me if Rick liked being an only child. 

I said he knows nothing else but you'd have to ask him. So she did. 

Rick said I would have like a sibling so I wasn't blamed for everything but otherwise I was fine. She laughed and said, G doesn't want another child but he has to see that an only child will grow up unhappy and miss out and long for siblings. I recall saying something to the effect of, "Did you not hear Rick?"

Then one day G stops over after work for a beer with Rick and he moans about having another kid when he didn't want the first one. Rick as I've shared doesn't not filter anything. He tells G. then don't have one, you have a say in this. G. said then she won't put out if I say no. Who the hell thinks like these two? They exhausted me.

Once at the lake house they were renting a home nearby and stopped by our home. Their 2 boys now in tow. She asked how the hell could we afford two homes?   Wow. 

Her husband jumped in and answered her - They BOTH WORK. 

She said well if you are telling me again that I have to get a job then just stop it right now. A fight ensued and we took the boys up to the house. (we were hanging at the dock) 

I knew they were having financial trouble because J. talked about it constantly saying he doesn't make enough. I was so bold one day I suggested she do something part-time it may take the strain off them. She laughed at me. So I could never understand how she wouldn't get a part-time gig or something. Do they like to fight all the time? You could see no love between them at all. Certainly no respect. It was sad to me. 

If you went to their home it was always in disarray. Almost a hoarder. 

She would tell me G would come home angry that the house was a mess and no dinner etc. Her house being a mess is an understatement. You couldn't see her dining room table. There were TV trays lined up on walls with papers and junk piled high on them all. If you wanted to sit anywhere you had to move things. Yet she was always impeccably dressed and coiffured. It was odd to me. But I just knew it as J. so it just was what it was.

We saw awful fights between her and her husband and we saw a sickening relationship building with J and her first son.

Once when we left Rick asked me." do you think J. is treating her son as her husband or lover?" Oh yes, I did indeed. We both saw it. And she would tell us these stories that made me sick. Why do you tell your 14 yr old son his father is a loser, a bad provider, a dumb man, and confide in him how unhappy she is, etc? 

Fast forward to an ugly divorce. He finally grew a backbone and walked away. He also cheated on her. She didn't care, it was like, so what I have the house I want, in the place I want, I have my kids and horses and I don't have to work 9-5p. That was her logic. The divorce was incredibly ugly. She would have stayed married to keep her stuff and a roof over her head but he finally got fed up with her.  She'd call me all the time to bitch. 

She no longer did anything. She never wanted to go do things with me only her son. It was a bit off-putting to watch. This boy was smart, a nice kid, but he made a few comments at times that he knew what his mom was doing and it bothered him.

After graduating college he got a great job in Wisconsin. He moved. 

She took to her bed. How could he do this to her? She needed him there with her. She could still fly for free so she would visit him a couple times a month. But she was always the victim.

Another thing I did not mention is that if she was sad or depressed she felt everyone owed her comfort and telling her she was right they were wrong and to commiserate with her. I couldn't do that. I would tell her I was sorry she was going through this. I'd invite her to do things. But she wanted my sympathy and me to stay with her even if it was so inconvenient to me. Once she said, oh c'mon I need people to help me you can change your appointment. I couldn't give her what she needed because I felt she made this situation. But I never said that. I just began to pull away. I didn't like her drama or her that much anymore. Besides when I was dealing with things she neither asked, cared about or offered any help. I was seeing how one-sided this was. (which rick always saw)

So what does J do as soon as she gets her money from the divorce? 

She moves to Wisconsin. She stays with her son in his new home for a while and then buys a townhouse for herself in cash from her divorce payout. Every time I saw something on facebook or she talked to me it was herself hanging out with her son, his girlfriend, and his friends. She was with them every weekend. I even was so bold as to ask, 'Don't he and his friends get a bit tired of Mom hanging around?" She told me no, they love me, they think I'm great. She invited herself along with 8 boys to the house they rented at a lake. 

I sincerely doubted that the guys were thrilled mom tagged along. 

He was only in his 20s for Pete's sake.  But like all the men in her life she would bulldoze them and get what she wanted every single time.

Yet she was perpetually unhappy. 

Her mom got dementia so she lived with her and bitched about having to care for her. That angered me. I said she took care of you for 18 yrs you can do this for 1 or two. She said, "wait until you have to" 

I'd give my right arm for my mom to be in my life but I said nothing more. For her birthday I got a spa treatment she loves, telling her it was a caregiver treat. Her mom died in less than a year.

Then unexpectedly her brother was found dead in his home about 5 months later. He was her younger brother. Then her older brother had a stroke and died. She had a lot of death at once in 1.5 years.

This year the girlfriend of her son had some words with her about spending all their trips and weekends with them. That offended her so she had to tell me how awful that was. How rude of this girl to not understand her place.

Then this year on Christmas she was angry that her son was spending Christmas Even with his girlfriend's family when she was a bit depressed and he should be spending it with her. 

I am certain her son couldn't say it so the girlfriend told her that they made plans with her family and they would see her on Christmas Day. J. told her that her son has always spent Christmas Eve with her and she needs him now because she is depressed and alone. They should be putting her needs first because she is his mother. Apparently, this young woman told J that they will soon be married and that they will spend holidays with her family AND his but she can't expect everything to be about her. (oooh!)

The girlfriend stood her ground. J. was livid!!

She asked me what I thought. I said what I thought. That seeing them on Christmas day was a good compromise. 

I tried to remind her that she has parents too and they wish to see both of them just like she does.  She was angry at me now.  J. does not compromise. She always would tell me that I can't understand because Rick and I get along so well. Well first of all I didn't make him marry me. I wouldn't wish to be with someone like that. We talk, we share, we laugh, we fight and we compromise, nothing is perfect. She always blames everyone else for her issues. Even quitting her job was someone else's fault, never hers.

So what did I tell her? 

I told her that she needed to make 2021 the year of J.

To get out there and sell her art, to join an organization to meet people closer in age who have a lot of the same interests. To make friends. 

I told her she keeps following her son, it's his time to soar. It's his life now that is just beginning. You raised him to be an independent man and now you don't want him to leave you. Would you have loved your mom living on the boat with you when you were his age? 

I went on to say that if you allow him to miss you, they will call and say let's get together. 

Maybe you should try having a Sunday fun day with them. Make it a ritual. Invite them over for Sunday brunch to get caught up. Make it weekly or bi-weekly. But you don't allow him to miss you. You invite yourself as you've told me to their parties on his boat and you are with him every weekend. You call him daily or just stop by during the week. They need to miss you J.

You are with them in some way or at their home every darn day.

It's time he and his soon to be wife build their life alone. You need to be there for them but you need to be there for you too. You need to understand that she has a family too and it's not just about you. She didn't wish to leave you alone as you say on Christmas Eve, but they were going to be with her family. They would see you the next day. Her response was, "No they should know I am depressed and I have had a bad year. It should be him taking care of me! They should want to. I am the one alone"

I again asked how she would have felt if her mother-in-law wanted her and G to be with her during the week and spend every vacation and weekend with them. She just said, "Oh God!  But I'm different. I'm the fun mom. 

(oh brother!)

I told her she needed to build a new life. This was such a great opportunity for her last chapter. She loves to tell you how great she looks (and she does, she looks at least a decade younger) She loves to tell me about her exercising and brilliant cooking. I mentioned a running club because she loves to run. That could still be possible during covid.  So I told her to do all those things you may find something you want to do more of or meet new friends or even a boyfriend. 

You need to build your new life. 2021 can be your badass year. I know you have it in you to do this.

Well, that made her mad apparently. I haven't heard from her since responding to her email.  

I get it and I knew it would happen when I wrote it if I'm being honest.

I probably shouldn't have said anything but you know what? I don't care. 

For far too long I have wanted this "friendship" to not be one-sided or only one of us checking in on the other. It was never her. So I have been slowly pulling away over the years. Fewer calls, less contact. Now I know there will be no more contact. And I have found I'm okay with that. I'm older and just don't need the drama or the chaos. Or pretend friends. 

Sometimes when I was at her home it was so filled with tension, anger, and clutter I felt awful being there. Once we were invited for dinner. They fought at the dinner table with the kids there, they fought while I was helping her clean up. They were loud, ugly, and said really mean things to one another. He would always bring up their sex life and Rick actually told him it was none of our business so you don't have to share that shit G.

G. laughed but got the hint. 

The disrespect between them was so ugly.

I could never stay with a person who talked to me like he did to her and I said as much to Rick. He said, well if you spoke to me like she does him or you were not an equal partner I wouldn't be around either. 

That was the last time both Rick and I were there together.

When we got in the car Rick said, I don't wish to see them anymore, you can do whatever you wish to but I can't, they are toxic. They make their own mess and they don't see that. She says out loud she hates him, he responds in kind. So why are they together. She wants his money and he has no spine.  They keep doing the same thing expecting one of them to change and they both have their feet stuck in the ground. It's uncomfortable and they both deserve what they are getting. Rick never saw them after that.

It appears I won't see her again either. 

I took her to lunch at an awesome resort for her birthday 2yrs ago. We had a nice lunch and shared some wine.  She always wanted to go there. As my husband pointed out, did you even get a call on your birthday? 

Here we are in the barns at this Inn -  This is us as I said 2 years ago -hence the brown hair on me. :-)

I thought I'd feel sadder, I am a bit surprised that I feel lighter. But there is the little part of me that thinks I should have kept it all to myself even though she asked me 3 times.  Oh well, too late now isn't it? 

And yes I look tired and awful in this pic as usual. 

It's Only Thursday!

There has been a phrase thrown around my house while I've been sick. 

It makes me laugh and I know he is just trying to make me laugh but only Richard would say these things and say them in the most creepy of ways.

At the height of this, I'm hunched over in debilitating pain and I am bleeding from all orvices below my waist & he looked at me one day in the kitchen. 

Mind you I was holding my lower belly, hunched over, and holding on to the kitchen island. 

He begins to talk like a swarmy Rico Sauvé and that is what makes it so funny to me. But I'm easy with the laughter so it may be just me.

He says, "still bleeding? feel like fooling around babe?"

Of course, I laughed because I knew he was not serious. 

But it worked, I laughed and forgot for a moment that I was in pain. 

This damn phrase, "feel like fooling around?"  is now a big fat laugh when I need it. But just reading this you can't hear ole Rico Sauvé and honest to God that is what makes this so funny.

I was vomiting at one point and he says, "hey feel like fooling around baby?"  

"Oh Yes, I am feeling sexy right now Rick, kiss me! "

That made him laugh harder.

We have been saying this for weeks while I have been doubled over in pain. Or when I am telling him gross things about this damn illness he will say, "gee that makes me hot babe, feel like fooling around?"  and he adds this creepy tsk tsk sound that makes it all the more sleazy and adds to my laughter.

He said this while I was drinking water and I began to choke. 

I don't know why it makes me laugh so. The way in which he says it is funny and I think the key. 

Doesn't matter because during these awful moments, it just cracks me up. 

It takes my mind off me for a moment and I like that.

Last night his back was really giving him fits. 

He was using the heating pad, taking ibuprofen and Tylenol together.  

Then he got on the floor with this back "thingy" and rolled around on that. 

When he got up he was acting 85 and he's holding his back and I see him hobbling to his ugly chair and I said in his Rico Sauvé tone that he uses on me, "Hey Ricky, feel like fooling around?"

That made him laugh so hard he snorted. It worked. 

He said, "thanks Margaret I needed that." 

Touché

Tuesday was my doctor's appointment. It was a bit slushy slippery outside so in the morning the Drs office called and asked if I'd like to change it to a virtual follow-up. I said SURE. I didn't have an issue driving there but they thought I might since I live far from the office so I took advantage of their concern. I appreciated that. 

I took a shower, did my hair, and put on makeup, even lipstick because no mask was involved. I put on a red sweater and below the waist, I was in my red and black pj's and slippers. The doctor can't see that so that was nice.

Why can't all follow up appointments be like this? 

When Rick got home and saw me at my desk he said, "you look really pretty you going somewhere?"  

I stood up and he saw I was in my pj's and Rick said, "Oh the zoom look. I get it. Pretty from the waist up"    Yep you got it.

My doctor finally received all my records and scans from the hospital. 

I do indeed have diverticulitis. I have not had solid food for 4 weeks.

We discussed beginning to add food to my diet. 

I was thrilled and scared, to be honest. 

So for dinner, I decided to try to eat food. Rick said he only wanted some of the leftover casserole I had made him a couple days ago. 

Great no cooking, just reheating. But what would I eat? 

Eating meat felt scary to me. Too heavy. I stared into the abyss known as my refrigerator. I saw some leftover elbow macaroni that was in a container. 

It had been cooked, but not used.  There was maybe 1.5 cups of it.  

There was no sauce on it or anything. Just plain GF elbow macaroni. 

So I thought, that is still kind of soft so maybe I'll just do that to start. 

I reheated it, added a pat of butter, and stirred.  I ate 1/2 of it and I felt full enough to think maybe I should see how this sits.  It sat fine until 2am. 

I awoke to tummy pain. Not awful off the chart pain like I've had, but my tummy seemed a bit pissed off. Great. I got up and went to the 3rd floor. 

I grabbed bottled water out of the fridge up there and a couple of Advil. 

I settled onto the sofa and watched some reruns.   

So do I try to eat again today? I'm scared to be honest. 

I had dry toast for breakfast. That never bothers me and it fills me up and I like it. But I can't live on it.

The doctor said I am to see him again in 2 weeks. Then I need to have a colonoscopy after that. Now the worst part of a colonoscopy if you've not had one is the prep the day before. But that "prep" awful part is what I have been living for months without drinking that awful stuff. So I guess I'm used to that now and this should be just like another day for me.

😟

I'm having fun now, aren't I? I know you're jealous! But I am not in a lot of pain. If it gets no better than this I can live with this. I don't want to but it's better than vomiting, never leaving the bathroom, and the inability to walk upright.  I can walk upright, I can leave the house, and slowly but surely I should be able to have more food. Each day I am to add more things. Whoever thought one could be afraid of food? 

I am leaving you this meme on this Thursday, which I swore all morning was Friday. Boy, I hate that. I was excited thinking it was Friday and then at 8am Rick tells me it's Thursday. No, say it ain't so!

Did I post this? I feel like I have but I don't see it here.

I think having only a little food is making my brain a bit slower than normal. 

Is that even possible? Did I post it? You sure it's notFriday? 

Where the hell am I?  

Blogger Questions

•  Are any of you able to hit a blog on your reading list and NOT get a link? There is one blog that takes me directly to her site. All others give me a link to hit first to direct me to the blog. There is still one blog that I can't always read (paul) sometimes I can get in and other times it gives me a widget page. 

• I still no longer have the ability to have email notifications from a comment.  In settings, it is grayed out so it is no longer an option for me. Do any of you have this issue and was there a workaround?

• I had an update on Windows and I hate what they did to my address book. I could go on for hours on this topic alone. I did call Microsoft and got help in getting what I need but it honestly should have just been left alone. There was nothing wrong with the way it was. And it worked. Argh! This has nothing to do with blogger I'm just bitching. :-)

• Do any of you know how to keep the Normal instead of Paragraph when composing? I know how to change it to normal but, is there a way to make it my default? I have not figured that out and I just hate that it always reverts to paragraph.

These are some of my burning blogger questions and a bitch. 

Anyone having the same issues or know how to remedy them?

In other news -

I went to read the ingredients in Oreos which are called gluten-free.

No, they are not gluten-free entirely. 

You see you can't give a kid with a peanut allergy a small peanut and think he/she would be okay. It's the same logic for a celiac.  It is made with Whole Oat Flour. I can not even eat oats unless they are made on a line of nothing but gluten-free. I found this out the hard way. Trust me on this.

This meme kind of explains it.

(Wheat and Barley are nothing but gluten) 20ppm is the measurement that is allowed of gluten in something to be certified gluten-free and to avoid becoming sick.  So while it sounded exciting I won't be eating these Oreos. 

When General Mills said their GF cheerios were GF. People ran out to buy them. I saw a slew of people who got sick. Some hospitalized. General Mills fought back. It is now my understanding that they are only in the US. Of course, Canada has removed them because they know they harm those with celiac.

You know all those crazy people who eliminate (or think they do) gluten from their diet for no reason but the fad? Great, they can eat the Oreos and the cheerios. But I don't know a single celiac person who is an adult who would eat these and the fact that Canada and the UK won't tolerate the miss labeling but the US doesn't makes me angry!

Rick sent me this picture that showed up in his facebook feed from 4 years ago. It is me standing next to Gary, our former employer. I fit under his arm. I blocked his face because I don't want to get in trouble and I blocked mine because it needed it.  And yes, this is my husband's old sweatshirt. I love it big like that, don't judge. :-)  He was 6'5 or 6'6' I don't recall. If he took off that sweatshirt you'd see the body. He was a bodybuilder. His arms were the size of my thighs.  He was an imposing figure if you did not know him. Otherwise, he was a big gentle teddy bear. 

And last I found this hearty chuckle.

Memory Lane

I am going to chat about my Aunt Dee Dee today.
This weekend we saw something on television that reminded me of her and we got to chatting.

My Aunt was gay. It was NEVER uttered. As a kid, she was just Aunt Dee Dee.

She spoiled the hell out of me. She took me on trips with her and Mary who I just thought was her friend. I loved them both to pieces. Aunt Dee Dee was my birth mom's sister. 

I recall my first trip was just a weekend at Cedar Point. It was a big-time amusement park on the lake in Ohio. 

My little sister came along as well as 2 of my cousins. 

We stayed at a hotel with a pool. We enjoyed that as much as the amusement park. 

We all crammed into one room of a hotel and got to eat junk food and drink pop. That was not something in our household so this was big-time spoiling. 

There were many humorous events of that weekend that I still recall but most of all I think back at what age she must have been to take 4 of her nieces to a weekend away. I can't believe she did it at all.

The thing that made this memory was actually a cooking show. 

They were making these fancy ice cream cones. Fancy to me as a kid.

Aunt Dee Dee took only me to Cleveland with her and Mary. 

I recall seeing her friends and doing things but the first day is what made a big impression on me. I don't recall my age, but my mom was still alive so I had to be under 13.  We were meeting her friends at a restaurant downtown. 

It was mid-week and we were walking down the street and it was so busy. Everything to me was buzzing. All the people, all the colors, all the excitement. 

It thrilled me. I kept thinking I want to live somewhere like this. I want to live in a big city. To me this was a big city, remember where I was coming from. That feeling of that day has stuck with me for 50 years.

After our lunch with her friends, they suggested Dee Dee take me to this special ice cream shop. So we headed to get some ice cream. When we walked in I thought it was so pretty. I remember the pink all around and the checkered floor.  I got a cone and what I didn't know is that there was melted chocolate in the bottom. Not a marshmallow or nothing but ice cream, melted rich chocolate.

Everything about this ice cream cone to me was 'fancy' 

On the top scoop they rolled it in chocolate and then cookie pieces.

I know it's funny now. But as a kid, it was not anything I had seen before.

When I got to the rich chocolate on the bottom I was in heaven! 

When I got home I couldn't stop talking about my fancy ice cream cone with cookies and chocolate and the melted chocolate in the bottom of the cone. 

My mom told me 'enough talking about it.' You'll make your sister feel bad that she didn't go. I didn't care, this ice cream needed to be had again. So when I saw this over the weekend it made me laugh. And it reminded me of my crazy Aunt Dee.

She was a character all unto herself. She was rough around the edges (understatement) but had a very big heart. 

She dressed poorly. Not tattered and torn, but things didn't always match or they didn't fit well or they were just ugly. She just didn't care about any of that. 

It was clean she'd say.  She liked having her hair done but that was it.  

Don't ask her a thing you don't want the real answer to. If you have ever watched Mike & Molly, the character of Mikes's Mom, Peggy, is so much like her. 

The horrible way she dresses to the inappropriate and/or rude comments that she thinks are just fine. She is my Aunt Dee Dee.

The first summer after my mom died Aunt Dee Dee took me to Boston with her and Mary. Dee Dee was always going places to visit friends or family. I loved that she took me along. That summer was not a fun one and I apparently wasn't smiling much. (I heard my aunts say that ) So off to Boston I went to see her brother's wife and children. She took me to Plymouth Rock. I saw the Mayflower and recall being so shocked at how small it was. We did all the tourist things. 

Then we spent a day in Hyannis Port with friends who had boats. I just remember it was a nice weekend. A nice diversion for Peg that was for certain. 

She was so good to us all the time, but after mom died she was our only laughter in our life. She came to get us after school one day and left a note for my dad. 

I was scared shitless because he demanded dinner on the table at a specific hour. 

I hoped he wouldn't yell since we were with Aunt Dee Dee. 

My sister and I went with her to a friend's house. They had a bowling alley. 

I asked if they were rich. No, but apparently they loved bowling so much they made a lane in their basement. So we bowled with her friend's kids and drank pop

That in and of itself was wild. Drinking Pop and it wasn't a holiday. 

We never got pop at home. I remember having such fun but on the way home was so scared of my father's reaction. But he was fine and he didn't say anything to us about it. I later learned she called him while we were there. He sat and talked with Dee Dee over coffee after she brought us home and I just kept praying I wasn't going to get yelled at and it never came. She was such a savior to us after her sister's death. 

I went to many cities and states I would never have seen without Aunt Dee Dee asking to take me away. I told a story here about her taking us to Columbus and how she followed me and my cousin walking to a restaurant. 

She followed us and was hiding in the bushes. We knew she was there and we're laughing and saying things that would upset her. We were bad. My cousin Elaine and I were cracking up and finally, we stopped and said, "Aunt Dee Dee we see you in the shrubbery, just come out!"

We laughed a lot about that incident over the years. She said we could go yet she followed us. She used to tell me she couldn't bring us home broken, damaged or hurt. 

When I was about 10 she took me in the winter to Niagara Falls. 

We lived close to Niagara Falls so I had been there many times before but always in the summertime. 

But Aunt Dee took us in winter. Everything was frozen and the sun was shining. You saw rainbows and the ice looked like prisms. It was so pretty and I was so impressed with the difference in the beauty that I couldn't stop staring. It was so different from summer and she said she wanted us to see it like this too. I am so glad she did. It was a beautiful scene like no other.

Then we went back to our hotel. We stayed on the Canadian side because it is far better than the American side. (so what else is new?) and that to me was exciting. 

I was in another country. Hey, I was 10ish. I loved that the money was different and colorful. I recall going out to eat with her and Mary and they got poutine All I remember was the gravy and lumps of something so I wouldn't eat it. 

What a dumb kid. I'd die for that now! Gravy and cheese curds on french fries, thank you very much. 

Dee Dee exposed to me things I never would have done, seen, tasted if I had grown up without her. She introduced me to this fancy meal of veal cutlets. I called it fancy because I got dressed up in my pretty 'church' dress to go to this fancy restaurant. I was young because my mom was still alive. 

I recall coming home and telling my mom she had to make what I had for dinner. Apparently to my mom veal was expensive and only for special occasions. 

Dee Dee gave me my love of gorgonzola cheese, took me to see the Yankees each time they played in Cleveland, took me to many a concert and movie. My Aunt's love of baseball was unrivaled. I also learned some choice Italian curse words from her which for some reason I never forget. I'm sure the umps didn't either!

When she was dying I had to make sure she knew all of this. How much those trips no matter how small or silly (like a strip club with my cousin Elaine and we giggled at all the boobies) I wanted her to know that these trips meant the world to me. How that first year of travel with her helped me get over the sadness at home. How my Yankee games will always be remembered for the cracker jacks and the cussing at the umps.  

I spent the day with her in chemotherapy and afterward she wanted to go to lunch. At the lunch, I told her how much she meant to me. She told me to stop because she would cry and it would ruin her reputation. I told her no, I'm not stopping, you need to know this. It was a nice moment for us both. It was the last time I saw her before she died.  

Ah, now I think I need to find an ice cream waffle cone with melted chocolate on the bottom.

Random Monday Thoughts

A dear friend texts me Saturday to let me know that Oreo's has made a gluten-free version. 

She text, "I know pizzelles are your absolute favorite cookies but I also know how much you love Oreos as a very close 2nd favorite so I had to share that they now have a GFree version. Just thinkin' about you Margaret.😋"

It made me laugh. I love that my cousin texts to tell me, my husband took a picture from the grocery store to tell me, and then my friend texts me. 

Gee, do you think I have an Oreo problem?  

Rick said he'd bring some home and I begged him not to. I can't remember exactly how long I've been Gfree, I think it's been 12 yrs or more. So it's been a long time since I have had an oreo.

I can't even eat food I can chew yet so I don't want them here calling out to me. 

And they will call out to me.

"Peggy, I'm in the pantry, take me out, indulge me!"  Nope, they won't be quiet so I don't want them in the house! But when I can have food...look out! 

__________________

We have a snow day today because we are getting sleet and rain at 5pm. Virtual snow day. What wimps live here.

I would have loved it as a kid since in 12 yrs of school and over 100 inches of snow a year I only had 1 snow day in my life until I moved here.

______________

We had a woman cancel an appointment for Thursday. This is what she wrote to me, "we have to cancel because my kid GOT COVID!!!!!!!"

I followed up with a call to confirm I received her weekend email. Her kid is little so this shit is scary. 

And they want them to go to school. How crazy is that?

__________________

I watched a Tiger Woods documentary. Wow, that guy was/is a hot mess. His father to me, in my opinion only, was a real piece of shit! He didn't give this kid a chance to be a child. He was grooming him from infancy to be this golfer. Then there are the bimbos. The biggest one being Uchitel. OMG, this woman is a piece of work. She thinks she had been depicted as a cheater. She denies that. She says I knew he was married but I'm not a cheater. Hmm....then what is your definition? She also is hideous looking. I do not understand why men like this fake plastic face. What face Rick would say? They aren't looking at her face. Ugh.

There is no denying his ability to golf or be "in the zone" but sometimes I wonder if he had just been able to be a kid and allow golfing to just flow naturally would he have done as well? 

I know my ex was groomed by his father and it fucked him up. I never liked his father and still don't. I tolerate him. I adore his mother as you know and she saw the pressure that was put on my ex. I recall when he was dropped by Cleveland and not picked up anywhere. Instead of working with him, encouraging him without blowing smoke up his but, he berated him. It was awful. It was generally me who had to pick up those pieces and try to heal his wounds. I don't think he ever got over some of that. I would like to think I would never do that to a child but we will never know. I always felt it was his father's dream more than his. But damn he was pretty good.

______________

Rick was contacted about his vaccine. It has been delayed due to shortages. They expect to ramp back up in 2 weeks. I hope so. Cause after him it's my turn. I know this won't stop anything we do daily. Still must wear a mask. But it will make me a bit less stressed. 

To all the dummies that won't get it - one person just told me it's like the flu vaccine, you can get the flu. OMG stop listening to people who don't know such as the GOP or fox news. Dr. Agus stated that the nasal flu shot has a live attenuated (reduced) vaccine. Meaning it is made from live, but weakened so you can't get the flu from that either. Regular flu shots do not have a live virus nor do covid's. 

Covid Vaccine does not have a live virus. I just shake my head at these people. And I have "these" people in my immediate family. Fine as Dr. Agus says, go to the end of the line and let the rest of us get ours. He was on for 1.5 hrs or more and he addressed all the lies on the internet and fox news and out of trumps cult followers.

I wish I had the full interview here. He was very interesting. 

At one point they were talking about disease and why elephants don't get cancer and why that is.  Cool and smart man. I don't normally find these types of interviews interesting.

Friday

So do you think cheesecake could be part of my 'soft food' diet?

I mean it's a soft food, right? 

In all seriousness, Rick asked about me making "my" cheesecake. 

I love when he says "my" as if only I can make this recipe. 

I told him it's not mine, you too can make it. 

He laughs and tells me it won't be as good if he makes it. 

Oh, that ole line!

Wanna guess what I am making this weekend?

Normally because I can't eat graham crackers due to celiac I used nuts on the bottom for the crust. The cheesecake that Rick likes is almond and chocolate. 

So I grind up the almonds with a little butter and it makes a crust just like the graham cracker crust. 

BUT I can no longer eat nuts while on this or maybe forever, so I guess I could eat just the insides. I've tried GF graham crackers and well - don't you try them. Awful!  I'd rather go without than eat cardboard or all chemicals.
Something tells me while this is indeed soft it is not what the doctor meant so this will be Rick's with me sneaking a taste I am certain! 

I mean c'mon it's friggin' cheesecake. I gotta (she whines)

Remember Cake is my favorite food group!

We put down our deposit for our RV rental in March. We are headed to NC for 5 days to do some research on where we will be living. And of course, visiting 2 friends while there. 

In doing our homework on RV rentals we found many who would not allow dogs. We want a small size RV since it is only 2 of us and neither of us wish to drive a 36ft RV. We found a company that gave us a quote. We put a deposit and are going to view it next weekend. (rick has to work this weekend) 

It is small. And in all honesty, I don't think the 2 of us can sleep in that bed. Rick being so tall he will be diagonal. That's okay I can sleep in the makeshift bed that the table turns into or the bed above the cab. It's just for 5 days we will be fine. 

This eliminates Covid Hotels and not being able to go to restaurants while on the road. The dog will love the 5 hr drive in comfort. We have secured our camping site on a lake. Hey, we don't go anywhere where the Big Guy can't throw in a line.  

The cost was broken down for us. Then I did the same with costs to a hotel that accepts dogs etc. and finding food out somewhere. The RV was just under $300 more, not quite. So we decided to go for it instead of hotels with cooties. 

We may rent a small car to travel around the city in. Not sure yet. 

All about the money you know.

A car is far easier to maneuver than this RV especially when you aren't from the area and know where you are going. Then go back to our campsite at night. The campsite is only $30 a night so that too isn't outrageous. All in all, I think this will be a good way to travel down there. 

Rick had a big plan for my 65th birthday. A trip to Florida, see the Yankees in spring training, watch games, and to see my niece and my cousin Bob. But then a pandemic hit so he has been stressing he tells me last night. He doesn't know what to do for me. I said I want or need nothing except large stacks of cash and good health.  Then I suggest we make this my birthday weekend and let's have some fun charting our next chapter of life and see where we are going to live. So there ya have it.

They will put a $1,000 security hold on our card. ouch. 

Once we return the vehicle they will remove the hold and not charge us anything unless of course, we damage it. We also didn't have to get insurance because our insurance company, Erie Insurance, takes RV rentals. Good to know and fabulous that they knew this. There were two things added to the price which we really wanted and one we didn't. One was the dog. They charged us $124 to bring Izzy. The other was 24 hr roadside service and road assistance. That to us was important and while it was only $50 we felt we had to have this. So if I took off those two charges it is now even closer to the hotel vs rental costs. I can live with that.

And I'm so looking forward to this. By the time we go, it will be 1 year of this pandemic and being locked in our homes. 

It will feel good to see something different. 

I leave you with Rick in his shirt I mentioned yesterday. He told me he thought he looked awful so he didn't want his face shown. He looks fine.  But I respect his request. Personally, I would have said, can you photoshop me and remove my belly? This is where men and women differ a great deal. 

But I don't have photoshop so I couldn't even if he did want it. He does make me shake my head.  He looked fine here. But whatever. I hate all my pics so I get it.

This is Izzy yesterday watching Rick eat something. She just stares at him or me the entire time we eat. This drives me crazy. It's like she is starving with those big sad eyes. She's obviously not starving just good with the sad puppy eyes.

Today

Today was a day of first.
First time I awoke without pain. First time for a few other things that I will not mention because I'm a lady. HA HA HA. 

Yes, that statement made me laugh out loud too. 

But trust me this morning was a good morning. Did Biden do that too?

I was so loving the memes of Bernie Sanders and his recycled mittens. 

I found them all so very funny and clever. Because my former niece-in-law was named Jen Ellis and she is a teacher in Vermont I contacted my ex inlaws and asked if it was our Jen Ellis who made Bernie's recycled mittens. It was not. 

I realize it's a big state but its population of the entire state of VT is smaller than the city of Fairfax Virginia here. So I thought there could be a chance.  

Last night Rick was in his ugly chair watching some man using a lathe doing woodworking things. I swear it's Rick's porn. If not on his phone, then it's on our tv and the youtube channel. Honestly, it's become funny. 

I bought him 2 shirts for Xmas. 

One says I Turn Wood into things, What's your Superpower? (I know that sounds dirty doesn't it? no? just me? )

I also got him one that says Sawdust is Man Glitter.

He made a few cutting boards for people and he comes in with sawdust everywhere on himself. I asked him to blow it off with the "thingy" in the garage before coming into the house. "Thingy" is most of Rick's tools that I don't know the name of or a vacuum. It applies to a lot of things in his man cave for me. Surprisingly Rick always knows what I mean when I say, 'that thingy.' 

He is either also nuts or we've been together so long he can read my mind. 

I think it's the latter. Oh who am I kidding he's both!

He is making bowls with and without epoxy. It's cool to watch these carved from a ball of wood. But all this machinery kind of scares me. I'd have no digits when I was done if this were me. Or I'd burn my knuckles on the lathe. I am clumsy so this is not for me. Just like I am a great tile setter but don't make me use the saw. I like my digits thank you! So if you cut the tile, I'll lay the tile. 

Rick has a few orders so he is either out there making things or in the house watching woodworking and learning more or what I call 'his porn.'   

When I say I see him watching this type of thing a lot, it is not an understatement. 

If he's watching TV he is watching something to do wood. I know during retirement he will be keeping himself busy. First setting up a new man cave of tools and building things and making things. He so enjoys this. 

I wish I had talent and could do things like that.  But I was born talentless so I just get reminded of it by being with creative people. 

Jumping tracks.

I love Fran Lebowitz. I find her odd, funny as hell, and sardonic. I love that kind of NY humor. I recall my first day of work in Manhattan and I called Rick here in VA and said, "THESE are my people" 

When I saw there was a documentary about her by Martin Scorsese on Netflix I jumped on it. I knew it was not something Rick would enjoy. He only knows of her because of me, she is not something he'd read. No woodworking in any of her pieces. :-)

The doc was odd but it fit her. She makes me laugh. She is a true New Yorker but not born there. She is everything I loved about the people when I worked there for 14 years. I told a former blogger friend that I liked it. (not former friend, former blogger) I know she too likes Fran's writing. She text me this morning to tell me she watched it all in one night and loved it. If you like Fran Lebowitz then you'll like it. If you don't know her work, you'll find her odd as hell. But that's what I like about her. She marches to the beat of her own drum and makes no apologies for it. 

I love that about her. From her odd clothing choices and hair to her view on the world. Her take on the public is pretty much how I feel on any given day, but when she says it, it is just funny as hell. The doc is called Pretend It's a City. 

Perfect title and after you view this you'll see why.

1/20/21

 Andy Borowitz wrote :  Trump Leaves Letter For Biden At White House

That one was my favorite. 

In other news. If one should eat food with their eyes first then by God my eyes are hurtin'. 

My bland diet is white. He said soft foods only like yogurt, cottage cheese, eggs,mashed potatoes with no skin and no butter, etc. 

I had just close to a cup of ricotta cheese ( I like that better than cottage cheese but made sure to have both for a change) and a hard-boiled egg for breakfast. 

It was all white on a white plate. Hmm...appetizing. 

Then dinner was scrambled eggs and later in the evening I had 2 scoops of vanilla ice cream.  Oh, I had applesauce for lunch. Boring food. But it's food and it's not just broth. Still nothing really chewable but my tummy doesn't have severe pains. So there is that. I am only allowed soft veggies like green beans or cooked carrots and he said preferably canned because  they are very soft. (holy yuk - canned carrots? all the nutrients are out of them) So mashed potatoes and mushy carrots. I feel like I'm 100 yrs old and can't chew or something. While these aren't exactly filling meals it is better than starving which I was doing prior to this. At least I feel like I've eaten and I can wait until my next meal. Before it felt like I could eat my arm off. And yet no weight loss. How do I do it? Just lucky I guess.  

Today felt like a snow day. Rick was home mid week and I was slower than molasses. It felt very odd. But we got to watch all the inauguration things we wanted to watch.

Let's start with shallow shit shall we? Come on those jewel tone coats were fabulous but my #1 vote for best dressed with Mrs. O. That color, that belt. Classic and gorgeous!

I must also say that JLo sang better than I thought she could, Lady Gaga and whatever the hell she was wearing with her peace dove, sang the song a bit too dramatic for my taste but the woman has a set of pipes! 

Dr. Biden looks so much like Rick's republican sister that it makes her seethe when everyone keeps telling her that. Of course, Rick and I find it funny because we are awful people. We have never uttered those words to her but we know she has heard them and how angry it makes her. She would rather be compared to Laura Bush who she thinks was the best first lady in her life.  Poor thing. It would be like if Rick looked like swollen orange trumpy. That would kill him too. So we get her attitude but like I said we are awful people who get a bit of a kick about it. 

My dear friend in Ireland, Bruce, sent me a link to watch the FM of Scotland say congrats to Joe Biden and thank God trump is gone. Then she went on to say that Scotland is looking into all his businesses there with a fine-tooth comb. They want him to go away. It was a remarkable video but I couldn't copy it to put it here for you all to witness. Boy Europe hates him!

Hey, I also heard that the new president already signed a couple of bills and one was the stopping of the wall that fell over. What a waste of our money!

I heard yesterday on Sirius that LiveNation concerts this summer will require all to have a covid vaccination form before they can get in. No vaccination, no entry. Interesting to see how that plays out.  I was listening to Dr. Argus on Sirius yesterday talking about the virus. He has been on the Biden transition team and working with them on the virus. He spoke so that anyone could understand. There were call-in questions. It was information, it addressed all the silly rumors like infertility and the like from the vaccine. It was a very good 2 hrs and I learned a lot. He made me excited because he was excited how he is now working with a team that understands and respects science.  He said he also was excited about the plans to roll this out in a more productive way.

So I felt we all had a collective sigh of relief today. 

trumpy not wishing to attend was probably the nicest thing he has done for the country and President Biden.