Thank You

Some funny things about this journey I've been on for the last 4+ months.

First I want to thank those of you hanging in there with me during this. 

I know the funny things that happen in my life that I tell you about seem to be gone. This medical journey has taken it's toll on me for certain. 

I have learned a lot about friends and family. I have learned that those who check in on you are really your friends. I have learned that if I didn't have this blog to vent, bitch, and moan I'd lose it. This is physically and most definitely mentally taking its toll. Because I can't do this anywhere else but here and with no one else. So I thank you from the bottom of my heart that some of you are still around. Not many I see by comments but some. So again, thank you very much.💓 

Some in my family as well as some acquaintances for the most part believe what I am going through is no big deal because I don't have cancer. 

They are right. I am blessed to be cancer-free. I know that! It is an enormous mass but not cancerous.

One actually said to me, "it's not like you have cancer so why do you feel so badly? Or just looking for sympathy?"  Said as if I was faking. 

Oh boy, do I wish that were the case. I explained that I still get the same side effects. And as is the case when speaking to family members I tried to change the subject.

It hurt, I wanted to cry, but I just went to another fun topic, Jan 6th trial. LOL

Now I follow 2 women on Instagram who have an organizing business. 

You may know of them from Netflix. As I understand it they are 2 friends who had this business of organizing your home. Then a celebrity saw their work on Instagram and contacted them. They did her closet. Then they did more celebrities and you can figure out the rest$$$  That got them a deal with Netflix. I could be wrong but this is what I gleaned from interviews and talk shows as well as online. So there ya go.

They now have a thriving business, a walmart line of organizational items, they may even have other outlets sell their wares as well but I don't know.  So they went from 2 friends doing what they liked to do, then getting paid for it,  then using social media and next thing you know they are wealthy, successful, and very busy entrepreneurs who employ a lot of people and all of it's positive.

Anyway, one of these women got breast cancer. She is journaling her experience on Instagram. Today I read her plethora of side effects and how it's getting worse because chemo is accumulative. Ah, don't I know it.

She had no pain from the breast cancer she says. She didn't even know she had it until she had a mammogram. All her issues are from the poison we know as chemo.

I read her comments and I was sad to see I've had those as well.

I am certain she will have even more because she is just about to go to round 3. The comments that others left her were telling her what she has in front of her and I really thought that was unnecessary. She's scared, she doesn't need to hear the plethora of symptoms she has in her future. She needs words of encouragement and hope. I hope she felt mine was just that because I did not mention anything about symptoms/side effects. Just hoping she has a quick recovery etc. That is all she needs to hear right now.

 

She said after chemo day she gets sick for a handful of days and then as she starts to feel like herself again it's time to do it again. Check. ✔

She is caught between being exhausted and being wired, but too damn fatigued to do anything but too restless to relax. Check✔

She talked about the taste of nickels in your mouth. Okay, she said pennies, I say it tastes like I'm sucking on nickels all the time.  Check✔

She talked about acid reflux and heartburn Check✔ (never had either before) 

She mentioned the pain in her bones. Check.✔

And those are just a couple of the things we have in common. 

She lost her hair. Thankfully I have not.

I do feel bad because I know what's coming next for her. But I sure hate others telling me. I am glad I went into this blind. 

I am blessed to not have cancer. I can't say it enough! I know it!

I wish she could say that too. 

She has very young children and she herself is young. 

Having lost a mom to breast cancer at age 13, I was older than her children. I never ever want a kid to go through that!! 

So when these mean folks say this shit to me I want to scream at them, it's still awful to go through this even without cancer. But I don't. I smile. 

To them, nothing is wrong.

And they are right to a point.

Inside I am ready to throttle them and wish they could feel this so they'd understand. But that's being a big fat baby. I don't wish to play the victim but it sure sounds like it here. Okay, you're sick, big deal, so are others Peg.

Then I think, well who cares what they think. I am seeing better every week and feeling like shit more each week. The ying and the yang.

In 54 days I will see Dr. S again. I am going to beg to not continue. I don't see how a year of chemo is going to be better for me. I also know that the depression is real and another year of this - no! 

I just read an article by an MD oncologist who said more often than not chemo kills their patients, not their cancer. Great.

I can't live like this. I am not strong enough. I want my life back. 

I'm going to be my strongest self and say I don't wish to go on like this to the doctor. I can see now. It's not great but I bet it is now 20/70 maybe 20/40 and I can live with that when all I saw before was a snowy screen. Spreading is their concern but we can monitor it. I want to give it a try and see what happens. We shall 'see.'

On my bad days, I want to just cry. I want to just be in a fetal position. 

I can't. I see Rick's face. I can't do this to him. He is a mess and that is why I keep telling him I'm okay and why I vent here. You lucky little shits.

I see how he hovers. How do I say my bones hurt, my tummy hurts, I feel sick to my stomach, I can't eat, my insides are on fire, oh my god I'm freezing. That's all in an hour...lol. Now with this damn ankle, it's not any better with his worry. It is why I plow through most days. Well, that and all this sitting around is so not good or fun. Can't focus well on deep tv and can't do much of anything because I'm so damn tired. It's crazy crazy shit. 

Rick said something to me the other day and I think he was expecting some banter. I didn't say anything but managed a smile from my horizontal position. 

He told me later that it's no fun when I am not the ballbuster he's used to giving him a hard time. (note to self, remind him when you are better that he said he misses the ballbuster, 'cause that will come back to bite him in the arse ..tee hee) 

He also said he doesn't like that laughing has slowed down in our house. 

That he knows his "gal" is in there but he wishes she could come out to play. (that one made me chuckle) 

Last night he told me he misses me. I told him I miss me too but hang in there for me. 

He said, "Of course, in sickness, and in health" Then he quickly added, "Shit, those damn vows!"

Now that made me laugh. I saw his smile. 

That smile was just what the doctor ordered!

thank you for letting me vent daily and be a big fat baby.

I mean it! Now enough woe is me.