Part 1 -

Never shared but it’s time…..

I was about to write about something and then realized you don’t know any of the back story. This will be boring for ya’ll but if you read it you will have a better understanding of the coming blogs over the next few weeks. Not all of which will be about this but some and you’ll need to know where it’s coming from.

As I have mentioned before a few years ago when my husband lost his job as VP of HR in aerospace he did a 180 and went blue collar. We call it "The Happier, Much Poorer and Much More Tired years of our lives.:

I too lost my job about 6 months later and he asked me to join his company. I went kicking and screaming but I did get to work from a home office and not have to worry about wearing heels, makeup and nice clothes. Or having that pesky extra income for things like say, oh I don't know…..food, a roof over my head!!

While my job before had me working from home on the days I was not traveling it wasn’t quite the same. So for the most part I was always in a train, plane or automobile. That got old after 15 + years but the pay never got old I admit.

At the same time that I came to work here at home for his business my health issues escalated. That was a truly a God Send or whatever you wish to call it. I could not have worked during all of this for anyone other than Rick. No one would have understood nor could I have gotten my swollen Flintstone feet into a pair of 3 inch heels.

A lot of my health issues were with me from childhood and they were always just considered my idiosyncrasies. Not health issues or concerns.
As I got older some were becoming more and more difficult to live with or they were getting “stronger.” Then in 1989 I began to gain weight. Not much at this point but enough to concern me. Of course the vanity is what bothered me not the actual pain, yes sadly I am that shallow at times. By 1990 I was getting chubby. I was feeling awful and honestly it became harder and harder to move, think clearly, and function as a normal human being.

By the mid 90’s I was fat. I got myself a nutritionist and got a personal trainer. I kept a food diary. I ate less than a skinny person and worked out like a fool but to no results. I was not losing weight. My trainer asked my husband if I was lying. Of course I cried. I learned I had will power and by the buckets. And my other ailments multiplied. I was now dealing with brain fog.

I went to a dermatologist for the changes in hair and skin. I went to an internist for the edema that was all over my body. You could poke your finger into my wrist or leg or anywhere for that matter and it would leave a deep dent like it was bread dough. I had a myriad of symptoms that no one could diagnose. They would think one thing and then insist the blood work said no.

We were moving a lot then so I would have to start all over again in a new state, city and with a new doctor. It was expensive, frustrating and exhausting.

I learned that if a doctor sees you as over weight they don’t look any further or don’t hear what you say. I learned that for the general public I was now invisible. I knew I was treated differently at this weight than at my normal weight. It hit me like a ton of bricks at the department store. I left my purchase and walked out crying. I also knew I ate better than I ever have and yet can’t shake this. I swore at that skinny bitch at the store and vowed I would come back at my fighting weight and bitch slap her into next week.

I was in my 30’s when I began such an intolerance to heat it was unbearable. My fingers, feet and my back would get tingling sensations that was uncomfortable at best. My hair was falling out and my skin went from oily to dry, itchy and painful. I went from long hair to short at this time to stop the hair loss showing so much. My complexion that never had a zit was getting zits and rosacea. My skin hurt from the swelling and it also was constantly dry and itchy and felt like I had something crawling on me. I had a fullness in my throat area that was so damn uncomfortable but again no one knew why.
My allergies became worse and I got every cold, flu and healthy issues out there. It was as though my body couldn’t fight anything no matter how hard I tried. My immune system was compromised.

Then as each doctor told me nothing was wrong with me it got worse. By 1998 I was now in a full blown depression. I never understood depression I now realize looking back. I thought you could snap out of it. I found myself in a black hole and so alone. I was scared. I went to work & put on my “Peggy” face and did my job. I could have won an Academy Award. I came home and retreated from the world and even my wonderful husband. I didn’t want to talk. I didn’t want to eat. I didn’t want to do anything. I never slept. I hadn’t slept much in years but now if I got 45 minutes of sleep I thought I was getting at least some sleep. I distinctly remember one day having some very dark and morbid thoughts and the only thing that saved me was the thought of not being able to do this to my husband. That is the only reason I am still here today. I just couldn’t do that to him.

I went to a new doctor. He asked about my marriage. He assumed if I was depressed it had to be my marriage. Dear God that was the only thing right in my life right then. My stress from my job was over the top. My health was horrible and I am so stubborn I was determined to plow through. My husband was trying like hell to help me, he was scared too, I was slipping away. He was supportive and it just fucking pissed me off that this arrogant piece of shit doctor was not listening to me and my symptoms. I went in with a list. All he saw were my tears and my weight. He didn’t listen. He gave me an enormous box of Effexor (anti-depressants) and told me to keep a diary of my food. He told me to exercise at night so I’d be tired. I told him that exercise gave me energy it didn’t tire me. But I came home and started the food diary, the effexor and did pilates at night. I didn’t sleep for 3 days. I called and told the dr. that the effexor was like speed and that I couldn’t keep taking it. He said take ½. You just couldn’t stop you had to wean off it.
I just stopped. Fuck him was my attitude - what the fuck did this arrogant ass know anyway?

I went back to Dr. Sensitve a couple of weeks later and he looked at my food diary and called me a liar. Now why in God’s name would I lie? I am in pain. I want answers. I was not lying. I even wrote how I had 2 Oreo’s. If I was lying why would I tell him the bad things I grabbed?
I left there crying my eyes out and muttering ASSHOLE as I walked out of his office.

Insomnia had me walking the house in the wee hours of the morning when I couldn’t sleep. One morning I got on the internet and inserted my plethora of symptoms on to this site. It came up that I had hypothyroidism. Well that sounded nice to have a name but they check my thyroid…..I was told I was normal. ALL of my symptoms were on this chart.

2 things stood out to me though from my childhood that I remember very well.
1. Right after my new step mom became my mom she took me to our family doctor for our back to school physical he had my mom come into the exam room with me. He explained to her my idiosyncrasies and told her that if my temperature was 98.6 then I had a fever because my temp was never more than 96. (hypothyroid 101)
2. That I never went to the bathroom (BM)more than once a week. I can still hear him tell my step mom that while that wasn’t normal for us, it was for me and if it gets particularly difficult for me to just give me some Metamucil. (hypothyroid 101)
Those were 2 of the top symptoms for hypothyroid and these were issues I had been dealing with since I was a child before my mom even died.

I actually was elated thinking I found out what was wrong with me. Upon further search I found a woman who wrote this great book on the topic. She was here in DC and she had a very helpful website. I clicked on that link, bought her book and devoured the information. She had a link to doctors in the area who worked in this arena as well as with patient’s comments about them. So I got myself an appointment right away.

This female doctor was sympathetic and discussed how your TSH could read normal but that does not mean your thyroid is functioning well. She went into great detail that made so much sense to me and to what I had been dealing with my whole life really. At this point I was a mess. More symptoms than I have even mentioned here. Add to that my perfect cholesterol was now in the high range and I was getting bigger and more swollen by the day. I had no energy and it was a real struggle to move from pain and lethargy. She got me on a protocol that appeared to be working. We were increasing it along nicely. I had lost some of the symptoms and weight was just coming off. Not doing anything different than before. (a diet of no processed foods nothing white, only veggies, protein, brown rice and I quit alcohol – that was the painful part) I was getting very hopeful that this was going to be over soon. I was going to get my life back. But then the swelling came back.

I remember going home for a visit for a funeral. I left wearing 1 size pair of jeans and 2 days later they didn’t fit me so I had to drive 6 hours home with them unsnapped. I felt horrible. My face was swollen. I walked in the door and my husband said, “Oh my God what happened to you? Do you feel okay?” I burst into tears.

I got in to see my dr. the next day and she was so shocked. She thought this swelling all along was just thyroid. No matter how we moved the meds it didn’t work. Up on T3 or up on T4, free T3 or free T4. I was all over the place and getting worse. Now my adrenals were failing.

I had been on a waiting list for a doctor whom the author used and it had been almost a year and they finally called in the midst of this. I thought what have I got to lose.

I went to my new doctor. (by the way this dr. helped co-write the book I mentioned above) We did a whole new panel of blood. And I might add that this was now the 3rd dr. I was going to that did not take insurance at all!!!!

My adrenal glands were in fatigue, my liver and kidneys were not functioning at optimal function and my thyroid was all over the place. In the course of a year nothing they did fixed me. I could barely get out of bed but I not only did I worked like a dog to build the business with my husband.

After another trip home to see sick family I came back horribly swollen again and I called the dr. immediately and she got me same day. She couldn’t believe what she was looking at.
I seriously looked like someone had put an air pump on my toe and just blew me up.

We went through everything I did. I told her the only thing that was different was that I ate things I don’t normally eat. My family is Italian. There isn’t a carb they don’t make, love or feed you. If you say you aren’t hungry the retort is, “then just have a sandwich-as they put it down in front of you.” So yes, I ate pasta and I had two slices of pizza, and a pepperoni ball which I so missed and all in the course of 3 days. My dr. admitted that while that really had me off the wagon on my diet she certainly understood but to her that didn’t explain why I was looking like this. Then she asked me a few more questions and she said that I could possibly be having an issue with gluten. So I left to get blood work somewhere that would take my insurance and in the meantime a brand new diet. YIPEE.

Part 2 tomorrow…..if you're still awake that is.