When I was about to turn 35 my husband signed me up for an Assisted Living Facility in my hometown. Of course he thought this was a damn hoot.
Of course he didn't tell me he did this either.
I was freaking out about turning 35, which I now know is so damn ridiculous.
All of a sudden on my 35th birthday I got a welcome packet to go to live at Springhill Assisted Living and Nursing Home. Oh they sent me pretty pictures all right.
How lovely that I can dine in this quality dining room with all my other friends in their walkers. I could go to the doctor on site. Nursing staff 24/7. Photo's of the nice one bedroom apartment that could be mine for a small lottery win.
I called Springhill and told them I was only 35 so please take me off your mailing list.
This must be all a mistake I told them. Oh but no, they kept the marketing materials coming. I was bombarded with brochures, updates on new bingo events etc. I was invited to open house, social gatherings and "fun" events held there as well as lectures.
Rick of course found this hilarious. I did not.
I had to leave the damn state before these stopped.
Leaving Pennsylvania and going to Washington state stopped Springhill brochures but did not stop my husband's pranks at my expense. In Seattle I began getting old lady shoe catalogs. OMG! I said to him innocently one day, "God I wonder how I got these orthopedic old lady shoes sent to me?" He said, "who knows you get so many catalogs."
It just didn't stop there, oh no.
I received information on reverse mortgages, funeral arrangements, tub conversions, Depends, walkers, support hose, living wills (ok that was a good one) and the best was the wigs OMG the wigs for old people losing their hair. Tell tale signs of dementia, best places to live when retired, and home health care. The list goes on and on.
You name it for old people and I was getting samples, catalogs, phone calls. I, being a bit slow, realized it was Rick who was doing this to me and I wasn't even 40 yet.
When I confronted him he laughed his ass off. Not a joke funny boy.
No matter how often I told them I was only in my 30's they didn't care.
They didn't stop bombarding me with this shit.
Fast forward to now and I am an old lady.
My parts are squeaky. As my doctor so lovingly put it to me about my recent torn labrum/shoulder, "Well at your age your parts are out of warranty."
Nice huh?
Yesterday I got an email from INOVA Hospitals telling me they are having free lectures that may be helpful to me at one of the local hospitals.
The first one was for hip replacement.
The second one was for shoulder pain.
"State of the art new techniques" it states.
Oh my goodness this is what my life has become?
The good old days when I just got emails for penis enlargements appear to be gone.
What the hell is happening to my life?
So you all know who I figured was doing this to me right?
He swears he didn't do it. Told me he would swear on his fathers grave.
But it did make Rick laugh his ass off because now you see one of those lectures is definitely appealing to us. (me)
I'm still not sure I believe him 100%.
The man has been fucking with me since April 13th 1987.
While I am a candidate for the state of the art shoulder pain lecture I will not be attending.
I have decided that I will instead be attending an all female lecture on how to get away with murder. The guest speakers are Casey Anthony and Jodi Arias.
Not so hilarious now is it Funny Boy?
12 comments:
Damn. And I thought I was being funny signing my husband up to get a catalog called Midnight Velvet.
I think you need to sign him up for AARP. Nothing says your old then that ;o)
YOU'RE not an AARP member yet?
Mike, yes I am of late. This behavior of his started way before I was able to be in AARP.
I used to say that they should find Osama bin Laden because of all my moves over the country they were spot on in finding me on my
50th birthday!
today for the first time some sweet young thing suggested i might be able to use an AARP discount.
just giggle and remind rick he's less likely to be enjoy those retirement years than you.
just sayin'.
statistically.
wipe that smirk right offa his face.
flask - good point. I love it and will use it!!
Huh. Someone signed me up for a caregivers something or other with my phone number and email. No idea how I got on THAT list. Similar stuff though.
You completely crack me up. I have tears in my eyes. But seriously, they have penis enlargements?
Tia - glad I could make you laugh. I don't know if those emails are true and there are such things but I used to get them all the darn time. I would be at work and it would pop up on my screen. I would fear that my company would think I was on some bad sites and I'd get reprimanded. :-)
It is definitely a sign of the times how intriguing all things medical become once you hit 45. This past year I have spent way too many hours online researching our various ailments - as well as what types of exercises are "easy" on the knees.
Have you noticed a lot of spam comments getting through blogger recently?
I remember my father telling me some years ago that he'd seen the character of his junk mail changing, with more ads for cemetery plots and old-age-related things. Now I'm seeing it, too. A lot of it probably started when I drew the Old Fart Bullseye on myself by joining AARP, but much of it is probably based on all the insidious data mining that goes on, by which every internet click is logged and parsed somewhere, then sold to someone who hopes to make money from it. Bottom Line: don't blame poor Rick for everything...much of it is just the price of getting older in the digital age!
Bill, when I was 35 the internet was barely there. Rick was to blame! And now it's just easier.
:-)
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