Adult Braces

I just cleaned the laundry room last evening.
Dropped something behind my organizers and that ended up being a full blown let's move everything and get crazy cleaning.
I found 2 rubber bands from my braces days. 
Yes they were behind the dryer.  How?  Hell if I know.

You see I had to get braces at the ripe old age of 45.
When I would chew and bite down my top teeth would miss my bottom teeth and you would get the grinding - ooh that was awful. And of course the food would be missed all together and I would choke.  This happened twice to me and on the last time Rick screamed at me, "Get the damn braces already would you please?"

I just couldn't stand the thought of having to wear braces at that age.
I also couldn't see me having this metal mouth and doing the type of job I did.
I heard my dentists warnings and I went to 3 orthodontists for opinions.
All told me the same thing. My jaw had moved.
How the hell did that happen?
It wasn't because my teeth were crooked oh no that would have been easy and far less painful.

As I sat in the orthodontist office the first time I realized that the only people in this office that are grown ups are the parents of the children getting braces.  Everyone told me how there are more and more adults getting braces but they sure as hell weren't sitting in this office waiting room that was for sure. 

They would call your name and take you in the back and make you brush your teeth.
Then you were herded into another waiting room. 
I am 5'2" and I was the tallest person there most days. The chairs had game boys or some such video games attached. I never knew what to do with them so I read the magazines.  They were geared toward tweens and teens too. I began bringing my own books because they always made me wait.

Because I wasn't there to have my teeth straighted I couldn't have something like invislign.  I had to have big ole hardware. I did get to have clear on my top teeth. What they didn't tell me is how red wine, coffee and spaghetti sauce will stain them - quickly. Oh that's lovely.
On the bottom I had to have the old fashioned wire braces.

I began noticing the other kids braces on my monthly visits. On 4 of July they had their bands in red, white and blue. They asked me but I felt that I was a bit too old for all that fun. The green bands were the worse. St. Patricks day a young girl got them in green. It was like spinach was hanging in her teeth.  And trust me if you haven't had braces, spinach is always in your teeth, as well as most food.

Here is what I learned while wearing my braces.
Eating becomes a whole new adventure.
I couldn't bite into an apple and I longed for an apple come fall. 
Everything sticks in your braces so I brushed my teeth all damn day. I also carried with me all kinds of brace accoutrments to get stuff out between my braces.  I didn't want to end up in front of a customer with some type of food there for them to stare at.
Because you all know you wouldn't tell me!
Kissing is also difficult. So parents you may want to get your tweens/teens braces. It really makes this difficult. This bummed me out big time.
I also learned there was pain.

Because the issue was on the bottom after 5 months or so I had to get this apparatus put in.
It fit under my tongue and was hooked to both sides of my mouth. The point of this damn thing was to torture me.  No wait, they told me the point of this damn thing was to move my jaw/mouth so the top and bottom would line up. (no more choking)

This apparatus was hell. I talked like I was drunk. I was leaving the office and I said to the young woman I can't possibly work with this in my mouth. I was frantic.
Seriously I talked like Daffy Duck who's S's only got worse as he got drunk. No shit. 



So I drove home in so much pain but only could think about how the hell am I going to work sounding  like this? I immediately went home and called my boss and said I had to cancel my appointments for a few days. She didn't help when she kept laughing. At least she understood. The dr.'s office told me it would only take me about 1 week to sound normal again. They lied. I sounded better in 4 weeks but never sounded normal again until it came off.  I actually had a customer who I was speaking to over the phone ask me if  I had started drinking already. It was 9am. He too was laughing at me. This just sucked. And while it was bad enough sounding like a cartoon charater I was in a lot of pain. Advil and straight gin was all I could eat and that did take the edge off.  I kept thinking I could go 18 months of just being drunk and then go straight into rehab. That may be the answer.

By the 2nd month I was used to this. The pain was tolerable and really was only bad when things were tightened. I knew on those days to go home, take advil and if possible begin a diet of Tanqueray every 30 minutes until I passed out.  Yep, I am an adult.

During the 16th month of this fun trip I had that thing removed. It was heaven.
In the 18th month I had my last appointment to have my braces removed.
YIPEE. I felt as old as the kids sitting next to me in the waiting room.
I was giddy with excitement. I will be able to eat again without concern for pain, the discoloration and the stains. 

This last day I actually had a woman take off my braces.
Not an 18-20 year old. It seemed that every month I had to go in I would be met by someone who appeared to be a kid.
While it was nice to have an adult work with me she talked to me like I was a child.
I wondered as she has her fingers in my mouth yaking away if she realizes that I am now 47 and that she is talking to me like I am 10 or younger. But I can't ask because her fingers are in my mouth. Besides she was nice enough.

Finally she got the last one off.  I can't stop running my tongue across my teeth. 
She was getting a mirror for me to look at my new mouth. 
She hands me the mirror and says to me, "So what is the first thing you are going to eat?"

"My husband" I say way too quickly.

I realized as I saw the look on her face that what I thought was in my head I just said out loud and probably just offended this nice lady.
Ah shit!
Thankfully she burst out laughing and said, "I truly know that is the first time I've been told that answer and it will go down in the books....no pun intended."  as she continues to laugh. Whew.

I reminded Rick last night of that event as he came home from his orthodontist consultation.
It was true, he needed braces. His dentist told him the pain he is having is the shifting of his teeth as happens a great deal in old age. So he went for a consultation at a local orthodontist, thankfully not the same one as me.
"Margaret tell me again how being  50 is so damn good?

"I don't know the answer except that we are this side of the dirt babe. Do you have to wear that thingy under your tongue like I did?"

"Thankfully no, and I only have to have them on the bottom.  They also said I can make payments but they won't let my braces come off until they are paid in full"

"That's pretty funny but I get it. I bet there are a lot of parents who's kids have their braces on longer than necessary for that exact reason don'tcha think?"

"Did he give you anything for all this pain you are in?"

"No. he told me advil. I now understand your old diet of advil and gin."

"Didn't DC just pass the use of medical marijuana? You could get a Rx and drive into the city for pain relief."