My Tracking Device

There was a line once in a Rosanne show years ago that my husband heard and found hysterical. He has used it ever since. The line was uttered by Rosanne when her husband and kids couldn’t find anything of theirs and they were all asking her all the time to find this and to find that. She yelled something about her uterus being her “tracking device” I wish my husband had one of those tracking devices of his own to find his shit this week.


My hubby will walk around the house looking for his things all the time.
As my mother used to say, “He would forget his head if it weren’t attached to him”
Oh, so true.

Now this has been going on since I have known him at the ripe old age of 30. .
But now Rick is an old fart so in one sense he does have an excuse.
On the other hand the list of things he can’t find is just longer and makes me even more annoyed. This week he has driven me to the brink for some unknown reason.
Oh wait I know the reasons I am just unsure why it is bugging me so much more this week. Was it the full moon or just him driving me bonkers?.
Whatever it was it was in full force this week….TGIF is all I can say.

Here’s one incident for you –
He has lived in this house for 10 years. We have had the dishes in the same damn place since they were unpacked 10 yrs ago. So when unloading the dishwasher you would think that he would know where they go instead of leaving them on the kitchen island.
He seems to think that lining them up all in row for his anal retentive wife will make her happy to see that nice straight line of cookware BUT NO, in fact it does not.
So when I ask why he doesn’t put them away he actually had the balls to say, “Well I don’t know where you want these things to go?”  WTF?

It’s like he thinks I want them to go somewhere different from where they always are. How about the cupboard mister? He lives here. He cooks here. He knows from where they come. What the hell is with that logic of his?  It is funny to me IF this were someone elses significant other or on a sitcom but for some reason this week I am not seeing the humor  100%

Last night’s this full moon annoyance occurred –
He asked me where his keys were. I said I didn’t use them nor have I seen them.
Oh that snarky remark didn’t sit well. He huffed and was storming around the kitchen.
After watching him tear everything apart I asked him, “Where did you have them last?”
I’m thinking that was an innocent enough question. But apparently I was incorrect.
Cranky Pants responded with, “Where the hell do you think I used them last?”
Me: “Your truck? Maybe you left them in your work truck.”
Cranky Pants: “C’mon Margaret I wouldn’t leave them in my truck.”

I go out to the truck and as I am walking out I hear his mutterings but I ignore him because I remember I do love this man but he is annoying the living shit out of me right now and I am not in the mood to go to jail for bodily harm.
I get to his truck and not only is it unlocked but his keys are in there!! (as well as tens of thousands of dollars worth of equipment)
I grab the keys, lock his truck and walk back into the house.
“Hey, I heard the truck lock so I assume you and your uterine tracking device found them once again!”
He is smiling and being all charming and cute and I’m thinking it’s a damn good thing I am against violence because I could just clobber you right now. But instead I just smile and say,
“The uterine tracking device was removed in 2000 what’s your excuse?”
Yea, I'm a snarky wench.  Thankfully he just laughed and grabbed his keys.

Another annoying factoid –
You have read me here state how we had been cleaning out this large walk in closet upstairs in a guest room which started my Flashback Friday photo’s. Well we went away last weekend and after we unpacked he left the suitcase in front of our large dresser.
After 5 days of staring at that thing and walking over it I was now refusing to put it away.
I simply asked, “Are you ever going to put this away or are you hoping I will do it for you?”
To which Mr. Numbnuts replied, “I don’t know where you want it to go.”
WHOA MISTER, did we not just clean out a walk in closet on the 3rd floor and then reorganize? Didn’t we just decide to put our entire luggage in there? Didn’t you bring your small bag from your bedroom closet up to the one we were cleaning and put it with the rest of the pieces of luggage? Did you fall on your head? Do you have amnesia? Should I check our long term health care insurance plan and see what is covered with dementia? To which his response was, “Oh yea.” AND WALKS AWAY FROM IT LEAVING IT RIGHT THERE.
My head was about to explode but then I thought otherwise.
Because seriously I’d have to clean up the mess because he wouldn’t know where the cleaning supplies were kept in his own damn house and without my head who would find them for him? So I took a deep breath instead.
I swear to God I am not picking it up. Remember that episode of Everybody Loves Raymond with the suitcase left on the staircase? I am living it.

Stay tuned – I may be on the news. The neighbors will say, “She was such a nice woman. She always seemed so happy and they seemed to really get along so well I can’t imagine why she would bludgeon him like that with his own suitcase. She must have just snapped the poor dear."