Wednesday's This or That

My neighbor/friend had her baby Monday night at 8pm. She called me at 5:10pm to ask me to walk her dog between 9p – 10p. She was on her way to the hospital. The baby was breach so they ended up doing a C-section. She called me Tuesday morning to let me know that Ella Grace had arrived and was a whooping 7lbs and 22inches long. So looks like she may be a tall one like her mom (mom is 5’11” – lucky shit) She won’t be home until Thursday possibly Friday. She went on and on about having to stay in the hospital. She was not happy about it. I told her to enjoy the hospital confinement because she will get some sleep – once she gets home there will be no real quality of sleep for awhile. She poo-poo’s that every time I tell her. She asked, “not all babies are like that are they?” Guess she figures since I didn’t have my own what the hell do I know. She’s in for a real awakening – no pun intended. I was telling her that her first inclination after the baby goes down for a nap is to do the things you haven’t gotten time to get done but don’t. Take that time to nap yourself. Again she laughed and said, I really think it will be okay and I won’t lose much sleep. I told her if she should need a nap to call me I will watch the baby so she can nap. She doesn’t think she will need to take me up on this offer. She says as long as she gets 8hrs of sleep she can function. Delusional? Hey mom’s out there do you think she will never need a nap and still get 8 hrs or more a night of sleep as she claims? (see I find that funny even typing it)

My husband knows I LOVE cracker jacks.

I don’t know why I even like them but I really really do. I don’t normally eat peanuts and they are in there. I don’t normally like caramel corn and what are cracker jacks if not caramel corn with peanuts? But something about them all together makes me crazy in love with cracker jacks. Can not do a baseball game without them. Well ole hubby bought some for me and I am assuming this was to be given to me on Thursday for my birthday. I have never seen this size bag.  Like if you bought potato chips in a small individual bag size. I normally only see Cracker Jacks in a box.  Anyway, I was out in the garage getting more dog food and saw the Cracker Jacks on his work bench slightly behind some tools which I think he thought were hidden. It was KILLING me not to grab this and devour it.  But I had restraint. Okay not really, I just ran out of the garage as quickly as I could so I didn’t see them. I can hear them calling me though. These will have to be dispensed to me a week apart otherwise I will eat them all before I know it. I can’t wait for Thursday!!!  Now I must save some for Saturday's televised baseball game.

My husband loves to mess with me. I admit I have my blonde moments but he has now been doing this for so long that I believe nothing he says. I have gone the other way and now I never know if he is right or just fucking with me. I hate this.

Here are two examples of things he has done in the past.
We were driving through Cooks Forest in PA. We were on our way to visit his family.
We are both quiet. I am enjoying the scenery from my side of the car. All of a sudden he starts to sniff. He keeps sniffing.
I ask, "What do you smell? "

"Don’t you smell anything?"

"No I don’t." sniff sniff

He opens his window all the way and sniffs some more.

“Oh yea. I smell hot sausage pepper and onion sandwiches. I’m guessing about 2 miles down the road”

I am now hanging my head out the window like a dog sniffing the air.
I really don’t smell anything at all Rick besides the pine trees.

"Wow." He sniffs again. "I really smell it now, you really don't?"

So I get up on my knees and am hanging out the window like a jackass sniffing.
Then there it is – a clearing and a big silver trailer with a sign that says STOP. Hot sausage pepper and onion sandwiches.

"There it is. Oh my God  Rick I can’t believe you smelled this."

He pulls over and says, "Let’s have lunch."

I walk up to the window and place my order and tell the man that my husband could smell these sandwiches 2 miles up the road. I went on and on like a damn fool. The sandwiches were good and we sat outside on the picnic tables and had a nice little lunch on a beautiful sunny fall day.

On the way home driving through Cooks Forest again I see a sign that says, “HOT SAUSAGE SANDWICHES 2 MILES UP THE ROAD”

I look at Rick and he began to laugh.

"There was a sign coming down here wasn’t there?"

"Yep."

"So I made a complete ass of myself to that man when I ordered my sandwich?"

"Well I was winking at him over your head – you were cute – it wasn’t that bad."
He was laughing like crazy at this point.

So not funny. I can’t believe I fell for his shit yet again.

"Oh some day I am so going to get you back."

"Uh-huh."

When I was living in Ohio and he was in Pennsylvania he came to visit one weekend with a beautiful potted plant that flowered. It was really nice. I had it in my apartment in a beautiful container and everyone commented on it. One evening I had some friends over and 2 of the women kept asking me the name of this plant. I said I don’t know the latin proper name but Rick said they call it a “neighbor” plant. I continue on saying, "You know like this one here is called Epipremnum aureum I believe but generally you just call it a potho’s plant."  Everyone shakes their head and that is that. A year later I am visiting Rick and we are taking a walk in the early evening. We get to this house on the corner of his block that has been vacant for some time and we are discussing possible reasons why it was such a pretty house. As we walk around the one side of the fence I notice all of these “neighbor” plants around the fence and I point and say, “Wow look at all these neighbor plants.”

Immediately Rick begins to laugh his ass off. Then it dawns on me….he stole a plant and he made up this name. I ask him if that is what he did and he admitted to this crime.

"Why do you keep doing this to me? I told people this was called a neighbor plant. I look like an idiot now"

"Well you’ll believe anything and well it's so much fun and how could I have told you after you told me that story?"

"You make me look like a damn fool Richard."

"Nah, you’re a cute gullible woman."

"Yes that is exactly what the paper will say.  "Cute gullible woman kills man for always messing with her, jury lets her off because he was a charming sadistic shit"

There are way too many of these to review here but let me tell you I doubt anything he tells me now. Last night watching Jeopardy he yelled out the question Two Toed Sloths. I begin to laugh. He paused the television to ask why I think that is so funny.  Do I not believe him?  I call him critter boy so why wouldn't critter boy know the name of this animal?
"Seriously a Two Toed Sloth? That doesn't even sound like a real thing. You can make up things better than that. C’mon a two toed sloth sounds like a neighbor plant to me."

He laughs and says, "Honestly this is a real animal Margaret. "

"Yea, sure it is."

He unpauses the television and the questions was “What is a two toed soth?”

DAMN!

And yet again I look like the fool.