Controversial Topic...Marriage.

I want to talk about marriage for a moment.

It all started when I watched Piers Morgan the other night and his guest was Oprah. I was startled by her deviant tone when asked about marriage. It seemed to be more than her just being sick of this question. It seemed when she pointed her finger and contorted her face that it took an ugly turn. She was so adamant that it seemed she meant something more than she was saying. I couldn't stop thinking about it. It got Rick and I discussing it because he too noticed it right away.  It left us both scratching out heads trying to understand.
If I were going to give a smart ass quip I would say, “If people spent as much time thinking about the actual marriage as they do the dress, party and ring we would have more happy marriages.”
But we all know it probably isn’t that simple right?

I was never one of those girls who dreams of this fairytale wedding and dress and all the hoopla that goes with it. Never was my thing. I get it though if it was your dream it just wasn’t mine. So over the years I understood when she said if she wanted a party she'd have one and buy a great dress. But marriage is more than a party so that flippant answer didn't fly that night either.

The first time around I truly believed I was fully and totally in love but the problem was I was 23. At 23 I was not fully formed enough to be married. Not enough life experience to be married. (this is just me I refer to, you may have been much more mature than I)
I may have been pretty close but not quite. If I had been more enlightened per se I would have seen the signs 'cause they were huge and I would have let it run its course. But I wasn’t that astute to really see what I needed to see. And I didn’t have a mom or dad to assist with that either. But I loved him and I still have a high regard for him. I have never understood women or men who have such vile disdain for their ex’s. You married him/her how did it go from love to hate? But I digress.

I worked through all the pain, went back to school and my career took off. I had no desire to get married again. I didn’t want children so I just didn’t feel I needed marriage for any reason.  But I knew I didn’t want to be alone my whole life. The idea of someone sharing my life with me was something I knew I did want.  As my life moved forward I just kept saying I wasn’t going to be married ever again.

But as time went on and I found myself in a long term loving relationship we moved in together. I began to wonder what is the difference really?
Someone said to me that not being married meant I could walk away easily.
WOW. I wouldn’t want to leave easily. And if I did what the hell kind of relationship am I in then? What kind of love and commitment to the relationship walks away easily? I then realized that I was just scared. But why? I was going to be just as hurt if he left me if I was married or unmarried. It would be just as devastating either way so why was I doing this?

I played this over and over again in my head a lot back then. One day I just realized I was being so foolish. No, I didn’t need that piece of paper as unmarried people love to say, but yet why was it such a big deal not to have it then? It really shouldn’t matter. Isn’t living together a real commitment just like marriage? Either way I realized it was the same exact thing to me.

This man I married was the big love of my life. I knew that. He asked me to marry him 2 times and I said," no let’s not mess with this." Then he asked me a 3rd time and as he likes to say, “The 3rd time was the charm” I said yes. He told me once that “he was committed to the commitment as well as me and that was never going to change whether married or not.” I so loved that line. In other words, we may have difficult times but he was there for the distance to work through it all. He was making a commitment to me either way. He wasn’t running away easily from a few bumps in the road. Isn’t that what everyone wants?
Isn't that a relationship whether married or living together?

For some reason after I said yes it was like everything I was thinking and feeling about marriage was gone. Oh I didn’t want a big dress and big hoopla….so not my things. We ran away and got married in a flower filled gazebo over the beach in the Caribbean. It was intimate and perfect for us. I didn’t get married for the party or the jewelry I got married for the man and partnership in life. (but I did eventually get that rock....tee hee)

This brings me to Oprah, who on Monday night while speaking with Piers Morgan said that she would never ever marry Stedman. That they both feel that if they had gotten married it wouldn’t have worked. She said this so adamantly and strongly and it felt ugly.. How would anything change? They live together now and have for over 20 years and share a life together. What is she not saying?

Hey if they don't want to get married I surely don't give a hoot. I am all for people doing whatever floats their boat. All people have and should have that right.
But what stood out to me was the way she answered the question. It had such undertones, but she never explained other than it would never work. What would they do to one another that they wouldn’t do only living together? I just don’t understand that and I do want to see that point of view.  I do understand the money thing in the event of a divorce. But then do a pre-nup. I am all for pre-nups, whether Oprah or me.  So taking that out of the equation what is the difference between living together and getting married? (she’d sure save on taxes!!)

And if you are living together so you can have a quick get away then how committed are you? Why would you live with someone who is so not committed to you that walking away easily is their thought process? Besides, the only thing quick is your exit because there is still baggage and thinking there isn’t is damn foolish. You’ll still have pain, you’ll still have to split all the things you’ve acquired together just like a marriage. And there can be times when lawyers are involved in both scenarios so I don’t get the difference.

Someone said they didn’t need that piece of paper. Okay, I get that I really do.
What surprised us both was that after we got married it did change. We both honestly felt that after our marriage it only deepened and grew. But we both have said we don’t think we did anything consciously to do that you know? It just did. Was that just us?

For Oprah being so fully evolved as she called herself a few times that night, I think this is a big fat question that she will never deal with and there are huge holes in her theory to me.
Or am I missing something?  Did I just not get it?
Your thoughts?