Thursday

Sitting at a desk in the hotel overlooking the bay.
It is a slightly overcast day and cool (cold)
It's cold to me, but in reality to those who live here on Lake Erie it would be considered cool I think.

The bay is choppy and I have been seeing all the fishermen out this morning.
I had breakfast in my room and just sat and stared at the water.
For some reason I can't normally sit for a long time. I am always moving.
But staring at the water can make me just sit here for hours.
I wish I could bring the lake home.

I had such issues sleeping last night. I was dog ass tired. You'd think that would be enough. This long drive north gets to me, it really does. This type of stuff never used to bother me. I assume it is age that makes a 6 hour drive so exhausting.  Add the fact that I was up every hour before I "got up" could also have been the reason why.

I saw my family yesterday and all the siblings. Ah, dysfunction at it's best.
Some  need to "prove" something. Some think they are helping and some are just so miserable they want to make everyone else the same.
I read Mike's comment to breathe and I heard him in my head all day.
My husband told me the same thing. So I breathe.  Today and tomorrow will be the biggest test.

I find funerals to be a big waste of money. I assume it brings a lot of people closure as well as breaks the bank. Why else would people do all this hoopla?
I am shocked of the B.S. I have heard and seen. The "rules" of the funeral parlor are. They seem to control everything like the obit. They put in the paper and the family pays them like $300 a day. C'mon if you sent it to the paper yourself it wouldn't cost that. But apparently only the funeral home can place them. Hmm..
Of course all rules benefit the funeral home, not the people paying them. One of the funniest is how they told my mom they no longer drive you in their limousines. You know you've seen or been part of those prosessions. They said the families like to drive themselves. No, what is really happening is you, the funeral parlor doesn't wish to pay for the limousines, the insurance, the liability etc. Don't say the family would rather drive themselves. But my mother bought that hook line and sinker. Then they said talking out the other side of their mouth that the family can not drive themselves in case they are too emotional. So you no longer drive the family, but they can't drive themselves, so we have to get others to drive us. And who has the right to say this all to you?  If someone wanted to drive themselves they aren't "allowed"? All so weird. 
This business seems to be a bit of a racket don't you think?

My mother keeps saying this was so sudden. WHAT? He has been seriously ill and deteriorating for a year. It wasn't sudden. I didn't point that out each time she said this but I kept thinking, what I am missing here? I think she may need to tell herself this for some type of self preservation, of which I can understand.
I can't wrap my head around that statement she has said so many times since he has passed. She wouldn't even sleep in the same bed because she couldn't stand the thought of him dying while lying next to her. So does one do that and then think it's sudden? It's a confusing thing I heard yesterday again but did not want to ask her to explain because I just felt she needed to believe that and who am I to say otherwise.  Everyone grieves differently. I know I don't grieve the way my family does. Mine is internal. I am not good with this externally. They are all external. Neither is right or wrong, they are just how one deals with it. 
When I was 13 and attending my moms funeral I recall the feelings that I had to keep inside because it was expected of me to handle this a certain way.
That is how I am feeling today.

It all has only cemented  my wish to not have any of this stuff.
Rick and I have written this all legally down for us to protect us from having to do this in the same way. The song "my way" comes to mind.

My friend Gordon's memorial is next weekend up here.
He did it my way. His ashes were sprinkled by his family on the lake.
They rented a boat and went out to an area they all loved and did their thing with music. I heard that is was beautiful and peaceful
The memorial is actually a party that he wanted. His music choices and loved ones with stories of his life. Except for the location it's held at and their catering no one else made money off his death. Because I am here this week and I was here a couple weeks ago I can't come back up here for Gordons. I am sad about that.
But the expense of it all (hotels!) and the drives I just can't do it. I called his family and his best friend to tell them. They kept telling me that Gordy would understand. And that my cards and letters made him laugh especially the dirty ones that I should not feel badly.Yes, I sent him dirty cards. But I knew those would make him laugh and the one card just said, "Oh for fucks sake"
That was all it said. Apparently he laughed so hard he began to cough and the nurse and family members ran to his room. He just handed them the card. I knew he would laugh and that is why I sent it. Not everyone would find that card funny. But he had said to me at a luncheon we had that he knows people mean well but the sad and depressing cancer cards were not something he loved seeing. I understood and made a note not to send those types of cards. So I sent funny ones and left little messages to him. Everyone handles this differently.
I can say after yesterday I can see that now more than ever.
I guess I'm more Gordy than my family.

Happy Thursday!