Home Again...For Now

I'm back home.
I had the most horrific drive home.
It was a white knuckle trip all the way except for the last 45 minutes.
It didn't just rain, it was torrential rains.
As I drove on the Pennsylvania turnpike it was so foggy and raining so hard that my wipers had to be on full speed. Everyone had on their flashers so we could see one another. Except for that one fool person who didn't even have their lights on. Thankfully everyone was driving so slowly that by the time I saw there was a car in front of me I was able to stop. I wanted to yell at her to turn on her lights. I think lights should automatically come on if you are using your wipers as they do in my car. But apparently, her car did not have that feature but doesn't everyone know to turn on their lights in fog and rain?

I got to my parents on Friday afternoon.
It was a beautiful spring day there. 
They don't have a lot of those so I took notice. 
My Dad looks and sounds like it's the end. 
I don't know what is keeping him alive. He no longer eats, they give him water via a tiny sponge on a stick like a sucker. He is so small. He is so gaunt. 
My dad always had a round face so to see just the bones of his face is not pleasant. He is not awake but his eyes do open from time to time. He no longer speaks. This is what the end looks like.

My mom was given a pamphlet of the phases of death by the Hospice nurse.
This pamphlet was helpful. It broke it down by time frames.
Each phase was given a time and what you'd see happen and what to expect.
Months/Weeks/Days/Hours. Believe it or not, this was helpful.
Dad is in phase Days and Hours. That is what he has left.

My goodness, the hospice people are so lovely. They are so kind and knowledgeable. I couldn't do what they do daily I think they are angels.
They have helped my mom a great deal.  Also seeing the phases he's been through and the symptoms of said phases also helped my mom understand what was going on and it was comforting in a weird way.
The nurse that I saw on Saturday answered a lot of questions. We are hoping he lasts until my sister gets there from the west coast on Wednesday but I am doubtful. Then again I have a very stubborn father so he may just prove us wrong.

Aside from being startled by his body, I was not real fond of the light death rattle when he breathes. It isn't loud but you notice it when standing at his bedside. 
As my sister and I talked to him we said to one another after walking out of the room, is it better to die suddenly or linger like this? I voted for suddenly. 
The nurse tells us he is not in pain. My mom has pain medication for him but after his vitals were taken and they changed him he did not seem to be in any pain. They gave him a small amount 1x a day and they feel there is no reason to increase it unless he shows he is in pain as one might. The nurse went through things that would indicate pain which was interesting. Everything she told me I absorbed like a sponge and found it interesting in a weird way. But all of her information was helpful. She also did it in a way that was beautiful. That is a fine line if you think about it. Their training, patience and kindness was amazing. I think if one can call hospice they should do so. What a wonderful transition for those dying as well as those living and giving them comfort.

Friday night all sisters that live in town and me were at moms. 
I brought dinner. I did not want mom working. She is dealing with enough.
I just brought up ingredients and made everything and we all ate and laughed. 
It was nice. Saturday we helped mom get things in order. What he will wear at the funeral was chosen. We wrote the obituary and boy did that make us all laugh. I know you're probably thinking that is horrible that we laughed while trying to write this. But that is my family. We were saying crazy things. My sister asked, Can we say he used to be a bigot like Archie Bunker until I married a man who was of another race and he had bi-racial grandkids? That made us laugh and my mom, of course, shrieks No, you can't say that! All while laughing of course. Then we were writing about who preceded him in death and I said, "Rose the HO" and that made us all go into convulsions of laughter. Well, she was. 
While we were saying things I was typing on a laptop and my mom said, "don't you dare say that" Okay I won't say Ho, I'll write whore. That just brought on more giggles and more sick conversations about relatives.  Oh we were bad.

We finally got the damn obit finished but trust me it took us a long time. We were all having a good time, as odd as that sounds. The laughter was helpful and my family always tends to see the funny. Dad would have approved. He would have been happy because all his girls were here. 

After the obit, we had to decide where the family and friends would gather afterward to have food and celebrate Dad's life. 
We got a lot accomplished except for the eulogy.
I got nominated for that and I DO NOT WISH TO DO IT.
Honestly being the eldest sucks. I asked why do I have to do this?
Isn't it bad enough that I have had to do this shit my whole life? 
Why can't one of you do it? 
So my one sister says, "well then I'll write yours." 
Gee thanks, I'll be dead so I finally am off the hook!
"Yes, but we could make you write it before you die but I'm being nice."
Of course, that brought on the laughter and a ton of it at that point. 
I do not like to speak in front of people. I will revert to my 10-year-old self and stammer and stutter. I.do.not.wish.to.do this. Or write it for that matter.
I am not sure I even can. Shit.

The nurse who was there on Saturday came into the family room where my sister and niece and I were sitting waiting for her and mom. They were changing Daddy and we left them to clean him and change his depends.

We were all chatting when the nurse and mom came into the room.
She said it was so nice to see a family as big as ours all get alone. My mom said, "we have our moments"  Something was said and the nurse remarked, "This is a blended family? I would never have guessed!"
Now a blended family is not how we see us. I guess we are weird.
We are a blended family of sorts. My mom and dad had 2 daughters when my mom died in 1969. My dad remarried a woman who had 1 daughter. So now there were 3 of us. My dad and new mom had 2 daughters so now there were 5 of us. It was a loud crazy home. I never said a stepsister or a half-sister. These were my sisters. I refer to Mary Ann as my mom. I do not call her my stepmom unless explaining something to someone. So apparently it's shocking to others but it all seems normal to me and my siblings. 

I told the nurse how this has been an issue in the past.
I was living in my hometown and I went to see a doctor my sister had seen for her allergies.  I would guess my age at this time to be about 25 yrs old. 
The doctor came into the room with his little chart and asked me questions. 
Dr.: how is your dad's health?
Me: Great
Dr. How is your mom's health?
Me: Great
Oh wait, no, she's dead. So not so great. (giggle)
Dr: (annoyed) so which is it? 
Me: I'm sorry my mom passed away in 1969. Breast Cancer.
Dr: okay, moving on any of your family members have allergies?
Me: I said, Yes, my sister Stephanie does. Everything like me, in fact she has been seeing you for treatment.
Dr: okay and he is writing all this on his paper.
Me: OH MY GOD. Um, Stephanie is not my sister.
Dr: WHAT? 
Me: Yeah, Steph is really my step sister, sorry I forgot.
Dr: You forgot? 
Me: yes, sorry. to me she is just a sister but I realize you don't need the information unless it is a blood relative.
Dr: grunts an odd noise.  
I knew he was not happy with me.

Oh yea, this doctor thought I needed to see a psychiatrist, not an allergist.
I felt like such an ass that day. After the dr. visit I went to my parent's house and told my Mom this story and she laughed. Yep, that's our family. She doesn't tell people I am her stepdaughter. Who does that? She raised me through the toughest years, she deserves the title mom. I was not an easy teen! Stephanie was raised by my dad since the age of 5 and he did adopt her. So to us, we are family. 
The good, the bad, and the ugly.