Updates -
**I did not go to the funeral yesterday.
I sent flowers. I sent personal cards to the brothers and his parents.
That was all I wanted to do and let the guilt go.
**Our neighbor's kitchen cabinets. Well, that was fun.
Her cabinets were used and she did not know this.
Her cabinets weren't real wood. She did not know this.
Until we got there and took things apart that was not known.
It ended up that they had to be painted in the old fashion way.
Because the cabinets were not real wood the UV light did a number on that substrate.
Because painting is a far longer process I had to pitch in and help Rick.
Thank God it is a very small kitchen. I went down there to check on him and saw how this was killing him. I offered to help. He kept saying no, not my responsibility but he appreciated the offer.
Now I saw what he was going through. Taking off the UV, stripping, having to have this done in a timely manner before they return from vacation.
Look blogger friends, I am a killer painter. I have painted my whole house. I painted my cabinets a few years ago. I don't need tape.
Yes, I am that good.
You know how I always say I have no talent.
Well, this is all I can do well sadly.
So I went home and let him think I was staying there. I changed into painting clothes. I grabbed my brushes, my bucket and off I went.
I kicked ass and we got things finished. Whew.
**I have to head north to care for my dad for a week. Everyone is going to my niece's baby shower in Florida. My parents raised my niece from birth. So my niece's mom is her Grandmother. She was begging for her to come for this shower. My mom kept telling her she couldn't leave Dad.
I finally said I would stay and care for him.
Why my mother insists on caring for him instead of getting help is beyond me.
I have tried to talk to her about his and what the insurance will cover etc.
She just gets angry and I get frustrated. My stepmom likes to live with her head in the sand. Her life happens to her. She doesn't make her life. Know what I mean? For a Type A like me, that is so friggin frustrating. I mean like this trip, in her heart of hearts she doesn't want to go. She would rather stay home. But she feels guilty so she is going. Then she becomes an absolute basket case and each time I speak with her it's worse. I told her to just tell her niece. Why does she give more value to her niece's feelings than her own? But that is her and heaven knows she will never change.
They are leaving on the 12th. I arrive the evening of the 11th.
I paid to have them board their stinky cats. I am petrified of cats as I have shared here. I realize it is not logical. But most fears aren't are they? That is mine. Not only do I dislike cats I am so damn scared of them I will never enter a home with them. Mom shouldn't have to pay when this is my issue. So the cats will get boarded and Dad and I are going to deal with one another.
I will work, forwarding the office phones to my cell and I will have my laptop to do work on. This time of year it is slower for us.
Now, Dad. He sleeps a great deal. Doesn't even get up until 11am. My biggest fear other than bathing him is his demeanor with my mom being gone. His dementia is funny, he never forgets who she is and thank God. As for me, he doesn't remember.
So me caring for him may get him agitated. I hope not but we don't know.
If it gets bad we will have to facetime or skype or something. But I worry that it will calm him at that moment but what about the next day?
I know he loves Wheel of Fortune and the Game Show Network. Which sure beats this nun he used to watch on the Catholic Channel. So dementia has helped him in that way. (yes I am going to hell for that) I got the full rundown of his routine from morning meds and meals all the way through bedtime. Helping him put on his pj's because he likes to do it standing up and he falls a lot. He also has Parkinson's. My stepmom spent 15 minutes telling me to have him sit on the bed etc. I know this and felt she was speaking to me like I was an idiot. But I think her fear of leaving him and him getting upset has her so worked up that she just has gone nutso. I am certain we will be fine. I keep trying to calm her but it doesn't work.
Then there is the whole accident piece. He has accidents. He has to be checked and boy that doesn't sound like something I want to do. So I am pulling up my big girl panties and wiping his butt if I have to. Oh boy. Not looking forward to this. Rick said, "well he's your father and I'm sure he wiped your butt"
I looked and Rick and said, "You think my father ever changed a diaper or wipe any of our butts? Are you crazy? My father, who thinks that is women's work?"
When my youngest sister was born, he would hand her to me to change her if mom wasn't there. I was 17. But I understood Rick's point. I should do this for my father for all the wonderful things he has done for me in my lifetime. I get that and I agree with that statement. But that doesn't make that part of it any easier. Bathing and wiping, nope not any easier.
I have one sister left there who is not going to the shower and she would never help so as is usually the case I am left. I offered anyway. I knew those that lived there wouldn't or couldn't. And I know my mom wanted to go on one hand but was nervous to leave dad with anyone on the other.
I doubt I will have time to blog. But then again he goes to bed at 8:30p.
I will either collapse in exhaustion or be full of energy. Who knows.
I know that he is always cold. Sits in a chair with flannel and a blanket on him and he is always saying he's cold. So their house is like a sweat lodge. It is so friggin hot there. I will turn on the A/C and I know he will complain. I think I may be bringing a fan with me so I can at least have some air moving so that I can sleep. I can't sleep in hot. Hell, even in winter in our house we keep the bedroom cold enough to hang meat. 😅
In the meantime, I plan to enjoy this weekend with the hubby before I go.
We are getting a cool spell in late today. It will only be in the 80's and boy is that going to make a great weekend.
Hope you all have a good one!
Stay cool.
11 comments:
I can see how forgetting to watch that nun on tv could be an upside to dementia . . . at least for anyone else who has to be in the same room at the time.
I skipped a funeral today. A great aunt of my son in law. I'd met her several times but not enough to feel like I had to go.
My sister painted over her nice oak cabinets with white paint because white is "in". Painting nice wood drives me nuts.
It may be cool enough at night to open a window in the room you'll be sleeping in and a fan will do the trick.
Good luck Peggy, sounds rough I hope it goes smoothly
Glad you got the cabinets done and learned some valuable lessons from it.
As a daughter who spent five years share-caring for my dad, I can tell what worked best for me, doing personal stuff like butt wiping. It was to disassociate my mind from the fact that he was my father. And I talked all the time while I was doing it to distract myself and him. I talked about whatever---the weather, what I was making for dinner, sports, TV, etc. Another tip, people with dementia do best if their routine is kept the same.
Best of luck, Margaret. You've got your heart in the right place and who knows, you might find some quality time with your dad...looking at photos, talking about things that happened years ago. The five years I spent living with my dad part of each week were some of my most treasured memories. No matter what happens---good or bad---just remember you are a strong woman with a good sense of humor and a supportive husband just a phone call away and those three things will get you through anything.
P.S. I think you handled that funeral just right! Glad you could let go of the unearned guilt.
I wish I had your painting skills, haha.
Now, I'm gonna be totally honest with you. If I were in the situation of doing what you're doing with your Dad, I would pull up the big girl panties, but I would be terrified. I understand why your step-mom is giving you instructions ad-nauseum, she just wants to make sure things go as smooth as possible. However, having someone give me a list a mile long to prevent a melt down would make me more nervous than a cat in a room full of rocking chairs. Another reason not to like cats... :-). I wish I were there and could help you, since he doesn't remember you, I could pretend to be your sis. Just remember, that no matter what, all will be well. Love....
Peggy, you and my wife are the same when it comes to to painting. Me on the other hand, I hate painting. She does wonders when it comes to painting.
Good job regarding the funeral. Dementia is awful. I saw my mom go down quickly at the end. I was crying because I couldn't really help her much. It's tough but you have to do has much a you can. I tied. I hope it was enough. See ya.
Cruisin Paul
Many people have told me over the years that the funeral is for the family and friends that are left, but after my parents died, I can't stomach going to anyone's funeral, and my family hates it. I'm a serious fan of game shows that include Jeopardy, Wheel of Fortune and The Price is Right. It just makes me so happy to see people win things. It sounds like you have so much on your plate, and even though I don't know you that well, I feel that you are a strong woman no matter what. Sending HUGE Hugs to your way. RO
Olga, as always you make me laugh. That is exactly what my husband said. My father is so Catholic if the pope told him to drink the kool-aid and put on his nikes he would. Silly man.
Jean- thank you! you did make me laugh about the talking while doing the unpleasant stuff. I can see me doing that.
It's - exactly!! (nervous about the list)
Paul - I'll teach you how to paint :-)
Ro - my first funeral in my life was my moms at age 13. And I have been to way too many since then. As for game shows, my husband is the King of The Price is Right. In the 31 years of knowing him he has had a love of that show. He cracks me up about it. When he used to work from home he would take his lunch from 11-12p so he could watch TPIR. A grown ass man. He gets such joy out of it but hates when Drew asks, Anyone you want to say hello to?
If he ever got on the show I would hate for Drew to ask him because his answer may not make TV. :-)
Peg....it sounds like you could be having a tough couple of days. I wish you patience and a huge sense of humor (which I know you have) and perhaps some expertly timed alcohol during you stay.
Linda, "expertly timed alcohol" I am good at that. :-) Consider it done!
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