She was my cheerleader. If I thought I couldn't do it she convinced me I could.
Looking back over some of those things she encouraged me to do I wonder how the hell she did it. I no more had the talent for the things I was wanting to do but she just kept making me believe I could do it all.
One of the funny things about her that really doesn't have to do with encouragement but always makes me laugh is how she had a thing for posture. I had big boobs as a kid and as kids will do they want to follow the other kids and their fashion.
Twiggy was the in thing and she was as flat as a pancake.
I was terribly embarrassed about these boobs.
My mother noticed that I began to slouch, hold my books in front of them, or try to cross my arms. Like that would make them be unseen!
One day she made me put books on my head and walk back and forth in the living room to improve my posture. To this day I still don't know what the hell that does!
But she thought it was helpful.
She told me that slouching didn't make me look like I didn't have big boobs, it just made me look like a girl with big boobs who slouches. That cracks me up to this day!
She kept telling me that I would grow into them and I would be so happy.
She lied....that never happened.
As I sit here today most people who know me think I have all this confidence and strength.
And while I do for the most part; as with most people there are doubts and insecurities as well.
I never had fear of doing anything to look foolish or fail. Until my mother died.
I often wonder if the reason she was this way was due to my father who was limiting everything we girls could do, wear, say. We were girls....we can't do that.
He did all in his power to make us feel inferior and not worthy.
To him that makes for a good girl who "listens" and does not have a mind of their own.
While mom played up our strengths and encouraged us and tried to instill strength and confidence our father did all he could to undermine it.
- You can't sing, don't be in that play you'll be making a fool of yourself.
- Pam you can't play softball you're a girl, join girl scouts. I will not sign anything to allow you to play sports.
- You can't enter that report Peggy, I read it, it's not anything special everyone will laugh at you.
- You have to get these ideas out of your head you are a girl you can't do that.....learn to cook.
- You can't wear that it shows your shape, take it off you look horrible.
- Keep your mouth shut if you want to date or get married.
In one sense as a 14 year old I liked the fact that she was clueless to what I did and didn't do.
But she was weak and insecure like my father so now it felt like we were in a home of negativity and darkness. It felt heavy. No more encouraging words ever uttered in the home unless my sister and I said them to someone or one another.
The first thing I noticed as a 14 yr old kid was when I came home from school there was no longer music in the house. Our mom played a lot of records while she did her housework.
And being the ever good Italian American woman she would be in the kitchen when we arrived home and there would be Dean Martin on the stereo. Sometimes Pam and I would catch her singing in the kitchen as we would walk in from the bus stop. We both talk about that memory and how hearing Dean Martin makes us smile.
The house never had music again unless Pam or I played our "record" players in our room.
Now when I wanted to spend a whole Saturday reading a book I was told to leave my dream world. Apparently reading was a bad thing by my father...you know all those ideas it puts in your head! So I would read under my bedding with a light. I actually burned a hole in a cheap blanket because I had fallen asleep with it under the covers so I could read and not get in trouble. You can only imagine the trouble I got in when they smelled the burning cheap blanket!
My sister and I were always given negative comments not positive ones. My father and new mom thought positive ones would fill our heads with grandiose ideas. And Peggy always has her head in the clouds with grandiose ideas. I heard that way too often as a child and to this day as an adult.
This past weekend was filled with negativity and I have to say it was exhausting.
It feels heavy to me.
It feels like a burden that I do not wish to carry.
Guilt and negativity sure do make you tired.
I do see the humor in most of it, which I think keeps my sanity.
Rick makes it all funny and I couldn't get through this without him.
I remember when I first got sick a few years ago and my organs because to slowly break down one by one and "they" (medical people) were worried I may not live.
I saw the fear in my doctor's eyes and that scared me more than anything.
When it was told to my parents that I was very sick my fathers comment was it's because she got fat. Which angered my husband to no end.
I had gotten fat because I was sick. Not from eating. So I begged Rick to not tell them anything about any of my health issues. If I die, let 'em think it's because I'm fat.
If I live they need to be none the wiser. As my health has improved my weight is slowly getting back to normal. (slowly) They know nothing about how serious and scary any of this has been for the 2 of us. They don't ask, I don't share. But boy this weekend the negativity was flying and this time I just laughed.
My father - I heard you were losing weight. You're going to keep going aren't you?
Me - Sure am. (big smiles and note that he doesn't say he noticed or I looked well oh no)
Everyone else (including my doctor) is telling me I shouldn't lose anymore....but not my father. C'mon I even see the humor in that shit. He's nuts!
I am glad I saw my father and spent some time with him because I don't think he will be on this earth much longer. I wish I could be there when he realizes that purgatory doesn't exist. For some reason that would make me very happy. Bad Daughter.
Perky Peg will be back tomorrow - Positive posts tomorrow. ....promise.
12 comments:
What a sad commentary on step-parents. My twin and I were so fortunate to have a step-mom, and a step-dad our whole lives. We didn't know any different, and felt loved by all 4 of our parents.
I'm sorry you had such a rotten one.
Linda I find it interesting that I bitched about my father and you thought my step mom was bad. Hmm...she was different from my mom but exactly like my father. I don't find her awlful just different from what I sometimes needed. I always knew I was loved and never felt otherwise. I'm sorry I gave you the wrong impression.
I am sorry. Only thing I can says is that maybe Dad didn't do it so much to hurt as to help you (in his own way). My dad is micro-manager and fixer. He has never let me fail or make my own decisions. This is because he loved me and wanted/wants to make my life better and easier. But that has limited me tremendously as an adult. It is so hard for me to do what I want or even know what I want...especially when he is around.
But I think a lot of times parents do their best....and we see it different in retrospect.
i totally eat these types of posts up because i can so relate. i get the feeling that your father and mine would be great friends.
a few weeks after i had my first child, my dad came to visit me and the first things out of his mouth were, "youre still big and heavy i see."
the last time i talked to my dad was a few months ago and i mentioned that i was looking for a job. i heard no 'good luck' or anything like that, it was all negativity about how bad the job market was and how i'd probably be unemployed for quite some time to come. i never called to tell him i had gotten a job because he would have then just said something grumbly about the job that i did manage to get. i try to just chuckle about this negativity but its hard. it helps that im thousands of miles away though. :)
Karen It is interesting to see how 2 people who had similiar parenting deal so differently. I became strong and determined to be independent and you say you struggle with that. I so get it Karen!
Tammie - I know you get this!! And yes, I think our fathers would be good friends. Their religions may cause them grief though. Both so stuck and stubborn in their thoughts that they are both the only way. :-)
Sounds about like the househould my husband grew up in. He was always told he couldn't do things like that. It totally messed up your head. I on the other hand was taught to be very independent and to try whatever I wanted. I'm glad for that and try to teach that to my children. I love that you came home to music in the house when your mom was alive, what a great memory!
Julie - it was a great memory. My sister and I caught her singing at the top of her lungs while polishing her hardwood floors one day. Her hips were movin' and shakin'. We still laugh about that one. But instead of being embarressed she grabbed my little sister and swung her around like they were dancing and she just kept singing. good memories.
This is funny because me and my mom where talking today about my a## of a brother in law and he is just like your father. See he left my sister 3 years ago after 20+ years of marriage. See he told her it was because he only loved her like a best friend. He would go and come back about 4 times - see my sister is over weight and has been the majority of her adult life - well my nephew told my sister about a converstation that he and his dad had about his girls that work for him - he asked him why doesn't he take them on his boat - the jerk responded I don't want to see those when in bathing suits - I could not work with them if I saw that fat. Now how bad is that that he told his 18 year old son that! He is such a jerk - and yes my sister made him sick because of her weight and that was the reason he left her.
My dad was a huge encouragement, until I hit about 12. Things changed dramatically after that and it was never comfortable again.
OK Peg---I've been here and have not been able to read let alone comment since my kids are trying to do everything but leave me alone. I will come back and write a legitimate comment when my little rats are in bed.
My MIL is the same way. My son who I told you about getting hurt with a TBI has been on some meds that has made him gain a lot of weight. To make matters worst, they have limited the amount of exersize he can do which means he can't work off the damage/weight that he has put on. Every time she sees Scott, she tells him how fat he has gotten. He reminds her it's a side effect. But it doesn't matter to her, she goes off about how he needs to exersize more and eat less. He trys to explain that he is limited to what he can do physically but she won't listen.
It drives me nuts every time we are together because she won't leave it alone.
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