Not An Oprah Moment

My husband is adopted.
I have always been fascinated by this.
I think most people find this interesting who aren't adopted.
I come from a very large family.
I used to dream of being adopted. I longed to be an only child.
When I was very very young I remember telling my Aunt Dee that I was going to marry an orphan so I didn’t have to have anymore siblings. 
As the saying goes, be careful what you wish for.

We were sitting in a booth at the Brown Derby sipping on T & T’s. (Tanqueray and Tonics)
It was our 1st "date" so to speak. He and I were asking one another about each other. He painted quite the picture of his Norman Rockwell upbringing. He really was a country kid in every way. When he spoke of his father his face lit up. The stories about the fishing, the garden where his Dad and he grew all their vegetables. I could tell he adored his father.
He and his mom had a rocky relationship forever but he truly loved her he told me. Of course living farther away helped make that possible and that made us laugh. Somewhere between his stories that sounded like Huck Finn and my life in suburbia he told me he was adopted.

“So the father you adore is your adoptive father?” I asked.

He said, “Yes. But he is MY FATHER. He taught me how to be a man, he gave me my work ethic, he showed me how to help those that need a helping hand, he taught me respect, humor and most of all love. I saw how he treated my mom and I loved how he adored and loved her. Most days I didn’t understand why but he never faltered.”

I didn’t know what to say. My first thought “boy this guys’s a keeper” but my second thought was how cool and lucky is this man to have had a father like this. A great many people can’t even say that about their father when they aren’t adopted.

I asked him if he ever wanted to meet his birth mom or dad. He said he wanted to meet his birth mom and had done all the work to find her. He knew where she was living but he was waiting until his mother died to look her up. He knew it would hurt his mom if he did it while she was alive.

A year later while his mom was ill with leukemia he decided to look up his birth mom and just not tell his Mom. He found her and called her. It was an odd conversation but she was so open to meeting him. They met and it was nice. She seemed glad to meet him but so very narcissistic and never asked about him much. He on the other hand was so thrilled to have found her and now meeting with her that he couldn’t stop talking. He didn’t notice what I saw. I kept my mouth shut.

She looks just like him. The eyes are the same. The face shape. She too is tall. They have a lot of interests in common as well. Musically inclined and artistic with stained glass and woodworking etc.

I DID NOT LIKE HER FROM THE GET GO. 

I also didn’t believe a lot of what she was saying and I wanted to shake Rick because he was in this warm and fuzzy honeymoon phase. But how could I possibly ruin that for him?
She lived in Florida and we lived in Pennsylvania at the time so I was just hoping that the distance could be an advantage for Rick that he was not yet realizing.

A few months later Rick’s Mom passed away.  We spent a week emptying her home. His father had passed 9 years before and he is an only child. So this was a big job. In the attic we found every slip of paper that “Ricky” ever wrote, colored, drawn etc. We spent a day in that attic laughing at everything that was neatly packed in the boxes labeled “Ricky”  This woman's attic was cleaner and neater than most peoples homes in their living areas.
She left Rick a letter telling him how thankful she was that he came into their lives and made them  a family. She told him to search for his birth mom,it would make her feel good to know that another mom who loved him would be there for him. It was heartbreaking and yet so kind and generous and sad. It made Rick feel guilty that he had already found this woman.

Sally,a.k.a. the birth mom, invited us to her place in Destin Florida. Rick had mentioned to her we were going down to Ocala to visit a friend over our holiday vacation. We decided to head further south once in Florida to start with 2 days in Destin with her.

When we headed to Destin we brought along a couple of photo albums that we got out of that attic of Rick to show his birth mom. Rick thought she may be interested in seeing his life in photos. From birth to graduation with a Nehru jacket in between.  His photos of playing drums in a band and his first wedding and his daughter…..it was all there to share.

The first night we were there he asked if she would like to see some of the photo albums he brought. She said, "Yes" enthusiastically. Why I will never know but she said, “Yes, sure bring them out here”

She sat on her sofa chain smoking cigarettes and all the while talking about herself. She was flipping pages in the album without ever glancing at them.
I looked at Rick and I could tell by the look on his face that he was seeing what I was seeing.
I got up and sat next to her trying like hell not to inhale her damn cigarettes that never ever left her mouth. I pointed out some fun pics of Rick and she would quickly look and then start talking and look up.

I so wanted to give her the benefit of the doubt. I wanted to think her insensitive behavior was because maybe this was too painful for her to view. But in my gut I knew that was not the case. Then she just got up and went into the kitchen and poured herself a cup of coffee and lit another cigarette. It was just as simple as she just didn't give a shit.

Rick got up and closed the albums on the table and brought them in to the bedroom where we were staying. He said nothing and neither did I. She never asked where they went either when she got back. The rest of the evening we listened to her stories that I believe were 95% bullshit. We had a couple glasses of wine and then went to bed.

Lying there in bed I wondered if Rick was thinking what I was thinking. Then he asked me, “Did you see her geniune interest in my life?”


"Yes, I caught that. But in her defense maybe it was too hard to see all of those pictures. We should have thought of that."


"That is why I asked if she wanted to see them for Pete's sake Margaret!"


"I know Rick but this isn’t an easy situation - we really don’t know. Maybe she felt she had to say that and that she didn't want to hurt you but did anyway."


"Let’s see how tomorrow goes."

The following day it was pretty much the same. When Rick went out I asked her straight up – “Sally did it bother you to see all of Rick’s photos of his life? Is that why you didn’t look at anything and just turn the pages?”

“What are you talking about I looked at them?”

“No Sal you really didn’t. It would be understandable if that were the reason why”

She waved her cigarette filled hand at me as she walked away laughing. She then asked if I’d like a glass of wine. WTF? Really? We aren't going to talk about it?  I let it go and drank a glass of wine. A morphine drip about now was what Ireally wanted. This woman was toxic and just plain not nice.

We took her to dinner that night and she reminded me of someone who is having a manic episode. I could not wait to leave.  So now we have super heighten behavior of happy and up and incredibly selfish and all me, me, me all the time.  We ate and listened. In the entire 2 days there she never asked a single question of Rick. She made it apparent she didn't care.

As we headed home on our 12 hour drive we talked a lot about this. Rick really wanted her to be something different than she was but he was so conflicted too. He really was giving her the benefit of the doubt. I not having any interest in her other than she was hurting this man I cared about I just didn't trust her, believe her, like her or think she was a nice woman. Period. End.of.Story.

Fast Forward 7 months. She was visiting her mother in PA. We lived in PA at the time and it was only a 4 hour drive. So we drove down to visit with her at her request. I know Rick was thrilled that she asked him to come down. All the other times had been Rick asking to see her. We were just there for the afternoon and dinner and then heading back north.

Just before dinner we went into the kitchen to help with things. There was a television on in the kitchen. It was political talk and it was concerning abortion. When all of a sudden Sal turns around from the kitchen sink and says, “Hey Rick be thankful I didn't know how to accomplish that (abortion) at age 16 or you wouldn’t be here.”

I hated this woman!

Rick's face said it all. He got up and went outside onto the porch. I honestly think  he walked out to not punch her to be honest with you. I no longer was biting my tongue. I blurted out, “What the hell is wrong with you? How can you say that to someone?”

She was now laughing. “Oh come on we’re being too serious here it was a joke.”

I told her that,”this isn’t a joke, a joke is funny. This was mean and hurtful and said on purpose.”

I went outside and asked Rick if he wanted to leave. He thought that may be best.
He thanked her for the afternoon but we were going to be heading up north now.
We said our good byes and we got in our car and left.
Sal told him not to leave that she was making a joke.
He said, “You know I’ve known for awhile. I think it’s best I get going. I’ll talk to you later”
She said nothing, just stood on the porch and smiled and waved goodbye as though nothing happened just now.

It was silent for a long time on our car ride home.
He said, “You know  that I saw who she was all along but I just didn’t want it to be true, you know what I mean?”
I did indeed.

He continued talking for a long time. He talked about all the money he lent her. About all the things she asked for. He felt used but he knew that too all along. He said to me that he knew I knew but he thanked me for not saying anything. He wasn’t ready. He was now ready to see her for who she is. And then he fired off on her last comment and he made me smile. He said, “you know I believe a woman has the right to an abortion don’t you? I believe in a woman’s choice. I wouldn’t make that choice myself, but I would never make a choice for another. So I’m glad she was too dumb to know how to go about it. But what bugs me most is that she would say that and laugh. I think it was deliberate to be hurtful”

I asked him, “does it change your mind on any of this?”


“Abortion or adoption? Hell no! Everyone can do whatever works for them and what they can live with.  Change my mind on Sal? Not really. You know she’s not my mother. She was an egg donor. I was looking for an Oprah moment and what I realize is that my whole life has been one all along....without her.

When we moved we didn’t give her our address or phone.
Everything is in my name as far as phones and my maiden name to boot.
But with Facebook and Google you could find us if you wanted to.
He has never spoken to her again. Which just proved to Rick she didn't care either.

I have asked Rick if he wants to meet his father. I was going to pay for the search for a birthday gift one year. Now I realize that if he wants to do this he will. It's too personal.
It's not for me to do. Each time I ask if he wants to meet his birth dad he will say yes and no. I think he fears it would be an experience like Sal. The last time I asked he said, “I’ve met my father and he was the best man I've ever known. I buried him in 1980”

One just can't agrue with that logic.