Mac 'N Cheese

Well, slap my ass and call me Sally.

I (we) NEVER knew that mac'n cheese was a Thanksgiving staple in the south. How did we miss this last year? Oh yeah, I was in a chemo fog.

Well apparently here in the south macaroni and cheese is a staple equal to the turkey. From what I am seeing on local TV, it is even more important than the turkey!  I mentioned this to my niece who lives in Flordia right now.

She laughed and said, "I know! and in the black community it is imperative that it be on the table and must be made properly" (she is bi-racial)   

Whatever properly means.  I think it means like a casserole and solid vs creamy runny. But what does this white yankee know?

I said to her that they are probably just as confused about our lasagna on the table then. She laughed and said I get the best of both worlds, my inlaws are southern and I get macaroni and cheese and my family has lasagna.

I learned something new that wasn't bad news, that's a win for a change.

I had all this time off from driving Rick places so I was damn determined to get the front done.  I spent over an hour and a half weeding. Then I began the process of the 20 bags of mulch which were not enough I need at least another 10 bags.  I got the weeding done on day 1 and then begun the mulching immediately afterward. I got 1/2 of it done and had to quit.  

I forget that I am this age. I could always do all of this with no issue whatsoever. What's 3-4 hours of outdoor work? Nothing when I was 50. 

I'd do it all shower and then have a cocktail and start dinner. Boy, what a difference a decade makes.

I left the piles of weeds and debris and called it quits. My entire body was barking - loudly. My hands and ass hurt. Which I found funny.

 I came inside and said I'll have to finish up on Sunday. I went into the bathroom to shower and use the toilet. I began to sit down to pee and thought I was going to die. OMG what pain in my inner thighs and ass.

'Oh hell no,' was what went through my mind. 

After my shower I swore I felt worse. My calves are the only thing that don't hurt.  I hurt from my neck to the back of my knees. To squat to get down to the toilet was so damn painful. I laughed each time because c'mon it's funny. My hands hurt from pulling the weeds up from the roots. I couldn't find that damn tool I wanted to use, so I just used my hand. My neck hurt, my abs, but mostly my ass and the back of my thighs and inside thighs. 

I should be too embarrassed to even tell you this. But I am a hot mess.

Sunday I could not walk, bend or generally move without yelping. I went to put our breakfast dishes in the dishwasher and asked Rick to bend for me.

He was laughing at me. 

I went outside and cleaned up my piles and that meant bending again. 

Oh for the love of God! 

The idea of picking those big mulch bags up and carrying them to the other side made me wince. They are so heavy and hurt my lower back each time I'd pick one up but I did all but 6 of them and I wasn't thrilled with picking up those bags. I want skills like Samantha on Bewitched!

After clean up I came inside, made a cup of coffee and stood up to drink it. Sitting is painful, well not the sitting, the getting down to sit. Rick told me to take the day off and I didn't need much convincing. I felt guilty but then I'd have to get up off my seat and I didn't have guilt anymore.

Here it is Monday and I know I must go tackle this but I don't wanna.

Yes, I typed and said this as a whine because this old coot is whining.

The man who mows and trims our lawn said he'd do it but the multch was going to cost me $300-350 then of course labor. I thought that was bullshit. I got 20 bags for $80. I will get another 10 for $40. So that's $120 for mulch. The issues is my labor. OMG if I bend over outside I fear I am never getting up. I can't only imagine what his cost for labor would have been.

We have a ring doorbell and ring cameras on the side of our house. 

At some point Rick looked at the camera and saw me laying flat on my back on the grass and not moving with my eyes closed. He thought something had happened to me. He ran (well he shuffled) to the door and yelled out to me if I was okay. I put a thumbs up.

He began to come down the steps. So to avoid him doing this I sat up and said, I am just resting babe, it was killing my backside to be squatting and to be bent over and on my knees. He said okay I was worried, then added a smart ass comment about me on my knees. Good lord this man even as stroke boy can make everything a sexual innuendo. 

I walked by my office and thought I'd write a blog post so I can avoid dealing with what is ahead of me. I just don't wanna, but I gotta.

In 3 months I will be another year older. It's not going to get any easier.

I joined the Y and my membership begins in December. That's one week that I have to get better so I can go get sore again. Please don't make me do squats or sit ups or anything that makes me bend in the mean time.

I've avoided it long enough. I'm heading out.

Wish me luck.   If I don't come back call the medics.

Gratitude

Someone I know posted something that just didn't sit well with me. Maybe it's my mood of late.  But it shouldn't have probably gotten me this annoyed. The sentiment is nice enough. So in my therapy I call my blog I will share to get this off my chest. It read the following:

'Travel while you are able. Don't worry about the money, just make it work.

Travel is far more valuable than money will ever be.'

I get the sentiment, really I do. 

Maybe because of who posted it, that it bothered me so.  

If they had said, to travel while you are young and able to.

But it didn't say that. 

They just said, "Don't worry about the money just make it work."

Hmm...

Feed my kids? Lose my house? Nah, let's travel instead.

Again I get the sentiment they want to make but they were not making it, at least to me anyway.

The comments were things like, "I can't believe people who don't travel"

"I have friends who whine about tuition, braces, and the like and I say, just travel the kids will get a better education"

It went on and on like that.

Look, I spent my 20s, 30s, 40s and some 50s traveling. For the first 3 decades, I was always in another city. I loved every minute of it. Winters were brutal where I lived so hey, let's hop on a plane and head to Martinique for a long weekend. 

Yes, I was fortunate. But how many people can or could do this?  I could fly for free so that made things far easier for me. I got hotels dirt cheap through my work field and fine hotels to boot. I went to Aruba for a week with $150 and came home with money.  The hotel was only $10 a day and my flight was free. And these were by no means a Holiday Inn.

I was a lucky one and I took advantage of it every chance I got. I knew I was lucky. 

But not everyone can do that. And to say don't worry about the money just make it work is a horrible thing to say. Do you think that an overworked single mom wouldn't love a vacation or to take her kids to Disney? But she has a choice, feed and clothe them or take a vacation and put them into more debt causing her more stress. 

I was appalled at the comments and honestly, the old friend who posted it. 

She made comments as well. 

They were so unempathetic. 

Again, I understand the sentiment to a point.

I don't know why that set me off. But as I have aged I have seen my old friend to be a bit unempathetic and she has had everything handed to her and never had to work very hard. Oh, she was a person with a job. I don't mean to imply otherwise.

I suppose she thinks everyone's life is like hers. Her first car was given to her. The land her home was built on, was given to her. The mobile home she lived in after college that money was given to her to begin her life. She's never needed to deal with any hardships. So maybe that is what makes her unempathetic to others concerning certain things. 

When we were young she said to me 2 things that I would always argue about with her. We were in our late 20s but I never forgot them. 

If a woman was in a domestic violent relationship/marriage, she'd say they should just leave and if they don't it's their own fault. I would explain maybe she can't for fear of the abuser hurting her family or losing her children. Or maybe she can't because the abuser controls her and she is not employed and a mom and she doesn't know how financially she'd get out. I explained how an abuser normally makes them alienated from family and friends and she feels alone and shame. There are a plethora of reasons.  She would just shake her head and say, If they wanted to leave they would leave. 

That drove me bat shit crazy.

The other was when someone was having a difficult time paying their credit card bills. She used to say if you can't afford to pay it off in full monthly then don't use your card. OMG, that shows again, how she was given everything and never had to worry about money so she couldn't wrap her head around others needing it. I would say things like maybe someone was laid off and they needed groceries for the family. Things like that. There were always layoffs in that blue-collar town we lived in, and I thought she'd get that. But no, she was so unempathetic to other's situations.

Then she posted this and I thought, sure you travel now that you're retired because you have all the money your mother left you from that large parcel of land on a very popular street.  That land was worth more than you can imagine. She will never have to worry about money ever again and she's never had to worry or stress about it. She is so out of touch. Oh, she doesn't think so but she has always been and it seems it's not getting any better with age.

What's funny is she is blue through and through but acts like those in the GOP.

So while the sentiment of traveling when you can is great, but be mindful of those who can't. My friend who now has stage 4 pancreatic cancer said to me before starting her chemo. She is so happy that she retired early and got to spend time with her partner and travel and see things they always wanted to see. She knows her life is ending and she said she is happy that she was able to fulfill that dream. 

She appreciates the opportunity. She didn't expect the opportunity.

I guess that is the difference, isn't it?

Thanksgiving 2023

As God is my witness I thought turkeys could fly. 🤣🤣

Thanksgiving from 1978

When Will It Stop?

Rick and I both wanted to sleep in Tuesday.  We had no appointments.

But I got up at 730a while he stayed in bed. At 8:04a.m. the phone rang 

It was his dermatologist. She would not talk to me so I told her let me wake him. 

Rick has melanoma. It was scheduled to be cut out in a couple of weeks. Why must we wait is my question.  The 2nd one is a precancerous lesion, which he has had before.

He is not in a good frame of mind after that call. 

When will this stop? I know he can't take much more and God knows I can't.

But this poor man has been through enough already.

Yes, I asked him to go to the Dr last yr about this. He knows that. We called all the dermatologists listed in Raleigh and surrounding area. All were a 9-month to a year wait. We took this one because it was the soonest we could get in. But all along he poo-poo'd me. As he said this morning, when will I learn to listen to your concerns? 

So now it's cancer. 

YMCA

I mentioned to you a bit ago that Rick's love of Bob Ross is a head-scratcher to me. We did go to the exhibit of his work. 

It was at a museum on a small college campus.

Seeing it in person and close up really is impressive. Rick enjoyed himself.

They of course had merchandise. Some of which to me was hysterical.

A toaster that had Bob's face on your toast once you toasted it. 

It reminded me of the nut jobs who see Jesus in their toast. 

That gave us some laughs that made people look at us. But I thought, hey you weirdos, don't look at me like I'm crazy, you're at a Bob Ross exhibit too!

They even had pieces of toast in a zip-lock bag so you could see how it came out. He showed me the toast and all I said was, No!  Don't even think about it, mister. (we do need a new toaster) He laughed.

Look at this goofball with Bob Ross's hair! Bob Ross T-shirt and his lopsided smile. He was in heaven. I thought it was funny only because of the crowds and that all these people really love this guy.  

That day after all this excitement he came home and had a 3 hr nap.   

At Rick's appointment with the cardiologist last week he told the doctor he was still so tired all the time. He asked if this was still Stroke Fatigue.  The doctor went over his meds and said, let's do 1/2 of XYZ  The doctor said that can make you tired. Let's start there. 

Well within 2 days Rick was a new man.  He has energy.  Oh sure he still naps but not long or every day.  He is doing things and is active. I do admit the more he does the more frustrated he gets because he can't do what he used to do. But he's trying more.

Today when getting ready to hit the YMCA he was a goofball. He posed to show me he could get into his Swimming Dog Studio T-shirt which he couldn't wear before. It really shows his weight loss.

I, on the other hand, ate my feelings while he was horizontal and in the hospital.  No pictures for me! I still don't think he looks 68 but I could be delusional. He will be 69 in May. I have a full head of white hair and he has like 3 white hairs. He also only has about 12 hairs left...tee hee

The Y sent me an email saying they were waiving the joining fee for one day only.  (it's $110) I hit the link that took me nowhere. I changed browsers and still nothing. I called and the woman spoke to me like I didn't know how to use a computer. I told her I had changed browsers and all things I had tried. She then told me she would try it herself. She did try and then said, "Oh my it isn't working"  No shit Sherlock. But it made me chuckle.

We really wanted to join the Y more than a gym. Rick has one month of rehab left and then we both will go to the Y. He needs to get stronger and I need everything.

She told me if I came in on Monday they would waive the fee. 

So Rick and I went there in the morning before rehab.

As we walked around the Y to check a few things out we watched this man who must be unemployed. He was too young to be retired and who the hell is at the gym at 9:30am on a Monday?   And if he works from home he sure as hell isn't working. 

Anyhoo, this guy was strutting around like a peacock. He made Rick and I laugh. As we turned around to leave that area, he actually kissed his bicep. BOTH OF THEM. OMG. 

Rick whispered to me, "Poor guy is overcompensating, he must have a small dick."  Of course, I laughed. But this guy was a real tool. 

Our lawn guy as well as my neighbor were telling me this is the time of year to put down your mulch. The lawn man told me what he'd charge and I about died. I figured I was able-bodied, I'll do this myself. 

I've always done it in the spring. But it was on sale so I went and got the mulch and figured I'd do it this week while everyone else is at the mall and in a turkey and shopping frenzy. 

So yesterday I was off to Lowes to get 20 large bags of mulch. 

I was struggling to put those damn bags on my cart. 

A man walked by who worked there and instead of helping me he said, "Where is your husband?"  He laughed.

I have to admit that rather ticked me off a bit. Ah, you could just help me.

I said, "he's had a stroke" as I kept loading my cart. 

He said, "Oh, well then I'll get another cart and help you"  

Geez, isn't it his job to help customers whether or not I have a spouse? 

I didn't ask for his help but I sure did appreciate it. 

He did 8 bags and I did 12 bags but he put all of them in my car for me. 

I thanked him big time.

Now to get them out of my car. LOL

Change of Medication is a World of Good

Every morning, I try to get up before Rick and open the blinds so that 'Gladys Kravitz' can see the neighbors from his ugly chair.

I refresh all the things he needs and uses throughout the day on the table by his chair. I get his coffee and his medications.

This morning he beat me.  

You see they changed his meds and he is not sleeping all the damn time now. YIPEE. 

But nothing was done that he has grown accustomed to having done before he gets up and he said "This will look very bad at your end-of-the-year caregiver review"

The ass made me laugh!

yeah, he's back.

That Time of Year Again

Here we are at my least favorite time of year again.

Rick's too, hence why we got married on Dec 31st.

We had to have something good during this time between Thanksgiving and New Year's.

As you all know I hate turkey and everything that goes with it. Can green beans to me are so gross and soggy. I did see a great recipe I may try for Rick and me which is fresh-cut green beans, homemade mushroom soup of sorts, and using thinly sliced shallots covered in flour and cornstarch to fry and make that topping. That I will eat. I do not like the horrible stuff my family made. Soggy beans with bland canned soup. I know everyone loves that but me. 

I did buy Rick a small butterball turkey breast. I'll eat pizza or something. 

But it's a day that I do not have to drive anywhere so I will celebrate by drinking some wine and chillin'. That's a holiday, right?

Rick has about 6 weeks left of therapy. He is done with speech until after his ENT exam. Nothing more they can do there. OT and PT finish up right after Xmas. I've mentioned here before that Rick just could never crack his OT. He nicknamed her the beast. But over the last month, she has smiled several times, laughed at his silly jokes, and LOVES all his T-shirts with sayings. Yesterday was 'Dogs Make Me Happy. Humans? Not so much.

She wanted that shirt and asked where he got it. He told her I got it for him. So she came out to the lobby to ask me where. 

That brings me to my idea. We were trying to think what to give her as a thank you gift when he's done and I saw a Tshirt that said, 

'No, it's not like PT' with occupational therapist written underneath.

I showed the shirt to Rick and he said, "OMG that sounds just like her!"  

I thought so too. So now the dilemma.  She is a big woman. 

I think she'd wear a size 2xl. 

Rick said to get a smaller size so as to not offend her. 

I'm torn.  He said to get her a medium or large. 

I said, "I know sometimes I have body dysmorphia according to you, but do you really think she's my size?

"Well her boobs aren't." 

"You named her the beast for petes sake because she is a large woman. She is almost your height and I'd bet close to your weight.

Do you suddenly not think so?  I laughed and said be honest, I'm not setting you up."

He said, "Oh yeah she is a large woman and in fact a large man size." 

"Then why do you want me to buy her something so small. I'd rather she be offended and wear it than not wear it. If too big she can shrink it in the dryer."

So now I don't know what the hell to do. What would y'all do?

Great Customer Service!

When we moved into this house, the former owner who was dead, left behind with her children all the warranties and items she had installed, etc.

When it came time last year for the roof we looked up her paperwork and since it was under warranty and it was their poor workmanship it was covered.

I was so very happy she left all that for us.  I did the same to the new owners of our house. Rick laughed at me but he sees now that this has been helpful.

They purchased an appliance package of GE appliances. We knew they were the cheap route but they were new black stainless steel. We both knew these were awful but we couldn't afford another 10K for appliances so we had to make due. But as we have come to use them we hate them all the more. The dishwasher sucks big time.

It's loud, it has a lousy layout inside and it doesn't clean as well as our old one up north. But I saw on her paperwork it was only $600. A good dishwasher will run you upwards of $1300. 

So we were not too surprised when it stopped drying the dishes this past week. Even with black Friday coming up we knew we couldn't afford another dishwasher.

Since we could not afford a new one we had to go the route of repairing the 2 yrs old crap. First, it's GE. Never have had good luck with any GE product. 2nd it was the low end of the GE appliances. So we have junk.

I called a couple of places and of course, no one returned my calls. 

The 2nd to the last place I called at 4:45p I assumed wouldn't call me back until the next day. But to my surprise, the woman called me back.

I went through a lead-generating service. It was called Appliance Repair and listed the appliances they fix, LG, Samsung, GE etc. Then you put in your zip and those who service your area will come up. She called almost as soon as I filled out the form. We used something similar back in the day for our business.

She was so darn nice I was taken aback. She asked if by chance I knew the model. I told her I had the model and serial number. She said it sounds like a heating element but she wanted to check. She put me on hold and came back and said that's what they all feel is the issue, however, we don't have that in stock for that model. She told me they would order it and they would get back to me to schedule. She asked if I had more questions, I did. 

I asked if she had a general idea of the cost. She apologized and said, "I'm so sorry I should have told you that already. It's going to be around $300."  Okay, let's move forward.  By now it's 5pm.

Within 30 minutes I got a text from her. She told me this was her cell and she apologized for calling after 5pm. She left the office when she was called and told that she could get the part here quickly and to get me on the schedule. She asked if I preferred Wednesday or Thursday. Could either of those work for us? WOW. That is what I was thinking, WOW. Customer service?! I haven't had that since moving here. But her demeanor, pleasantness, and social graces made me know for certain she was a transplant and we need more of them.

I picked Wednesday between 9 - 1pm. She repeated that 9-1 means the arrival time. I chuckled and said, "of course," She said, "Well you'd be surprised so I like to explain so there are no miscommunications"

She explained to me that the tech would call when he was heading my way. We went over the address and phone numbers. 

I thanked her and then text back, 'You aren't from here are you?'

She wrote back, No I am not. 

Come to find out her family moved here 11 years ago. 

When they started their business they had experienced and heard all about the horrendous service and contractors/repair people here. They were determined to show them you can be successful, busy, and provide good service. I told her this was so damn refreshing!! 

I miss this.

She thanked me. She was from Buffalo NY. I knew it. I mean as soon as you meet someone you know, northeast? midwest?  It is so obvious. 

They smile, they talk to strangers, they provide great service. 

I was so thrilled.

When I stopped texting I told Rick what was going on as far as appointments and scheduling and parts. 

He said, "Oh my God they aren't from around these parts are they?"  

I said, "Now that's just sad that you think that"

He said, "Oh come on you must have too."

I laughed and said, "Oh, not only did I pick that up quickly I said that to her"

He gasped.  "That could have been bad if she wasn't you know"

I said, "I had no doubt, I was 100%  sure she was from somewhere else she was just so damn nice and friendly"

Sad isn't it?

Betty is almost Gone!!

I had a shot in the eye on Monday. Woo-hoo

Betty is almost gone!! 

But she's been close before and then she comes back so we decided to do another shot today.  I don't have to go back for 4.5 months this time. We are going to go longer and longer and see how she does. Hopefully, if she stays the same we won't need another shot.  Fingers crossed.🤞

Because as much fun as it sounds, it doesn't hurt, but after the shot when all the numbing drops wear off, I am hurting for 24 hours.

A nice throbbing, you've been kicked in the head pain.

I will never have 20/20 again like my other eye due to scaring etc. But it's 20/40. Betty had me at 20/200 so this is good!! Finally good news.

But good eyesight or not I'm still clumsy. 

I fell on my face Saturday. My head bounced 2x on the kitchen floor.

Rick was upset that he couldn't catch me. I slipped right through his arms. 

I kept telling him it was OK, he may not have been able to before the stroke so stop stressing. I'm fine.

I have a nice bump on my head

A purple circle over my eye and swelling. Oh my God, I felt like I was in a cartoon. You know with stars and birds swirling over my head. 

My head and neck hurt all night. 

I kept thinking, maybe I crushed Betty. 

So Monday when Dr. S. saw me he asked what happened. 

My fall did not affect Betty and yes I got yelled at for not going to ER. 

God, I'm so sick of hospitals I was sure I was and am fine. 

I've had a concussion before when I broke my nose and I had none of those symptoms. 

Dr. S. asked how I broke my nose. I did not wish to tell him I fell on my face once before so I lied. I said it was a fall way back in 1983/84. I don't even remember most of it. He let it go. He was probably thinking that I've rattled my head a few too many times and I'm confused.

I wrote about it 5 years ago right here.

In other news. 

I saw a documentary of sorts on Albert Brooks. 

I adore Albert Brooks. Rob Reiner is talking to him about his career in this documentary. Done differently than most. 

I remember in the Stone Ages before DVRs and streaming I'd have to stay up late to catch him on Johnny Carson. 

I was a weird young person, I loved comedians. I have tapes and tapes of comedians that I finally tossed when we moved here. 

After my divorce, I lived with my grandmother for 7 months before I headed off to school. She would see that Albert was on Johhny Carson and if I fell asleep she'd wake me. While she didn't understand it, she knew my love of Albert Brooks was real.

Broadcast News is one of my favorite movies of his, with a close 2nd or maybe tied to Mother. Both of those movies resonated with me. It felt like the Holly Hunter character in Broadcast News was mirroring my life at the time in so many ways. 

In the movie Mother, so many things hit home. Frozen cheese! Saving everything and freezing it. Unsupportive. Oh, that is my mother.

But he had a lot of good ones like Defending Your Life or Lost in America. Whatever he's in I will watch and give it a chance I just love him and I really enjoyed the doc. 

It was on Max if you are so inclined.

Walnut Wood

I laid around a bit on my day off, and it was quite delightful. I puttered here and there.  Rick told me he saw that a man in Fuquay Varina had some walnut for sale and it was cheap. I asked why he wanted to get it since he is not working on his lathe.  He said but I know I will soon and this is so cheap for walnut. "So you want to go get it don't you?"  

"yes, I'll buy you an ice cream at that stand on the way to Fuquay."

"nice bribe but they are closed for the season. Okay let's go but I"m not dressing better than this."

He informed me that he was certain he was an old hillbilly so it didn't matter. I reminded him he can't lift any of this shit yet.  He said he told the old coot this and said that he would use his front loader. Once there I used my legs to get them in the vehicle and then at home, I did the same so Rick didn't lift anything. Heaven knows I am not strong enough to lift them but I do have strong legs.

We drove out to the sticks and this property was quite pretty as was the house. When this man who looked older than dirt came out I was shocked. He did not look well. He was pale and transparent. He was hunched over and walked very very slowly. I don't know how it came up but he told me he was 81 and broke his neck last year. I felt bad for the old man because I would have guessed 101 before 81.  He got into his front loader and Rick leaned to me and said, "I'm afraid he's going to die."  

I felt the same.

These large 4 pieces of blocks of a tree will make 4-6 pieces of something so this was a great deal. 

As we loaded these 4 big pieces of tree/wood into our SUV he asked me where I was from. I paused and thought, oh God here goes the hillbilly hating on me because we are not from the south. I responded with, I was born in PA but have lived all over the U.S. He got agitated and said again only louder as if I didn't hear him the first time, "No, where did you move here from?"  

Virginia, I tell him.

He said, "Oh God another damn Yankee"

I responded with, "You do know VA is below the Mason-Dixon line right?"

He paused as if he had to think about it. How stupid is he? 

Then he said, "You damn liberals"   Why because I'm smart?

Now that got Rick fired up. He asked if our money was still good?  

The old F laughed it off.  He made another comment later and I said and lied, "You know we are republican, we just don't like that orange dictator wanna-be and MAGA folks. Uneducated, don't care for democracy and get all their information from Fox and never bother to look into or read anything else. 

It makes me understand how Hitler got into power. Or as my mom would say, the blind leading the blind but in this case, the stupid leading the stupid."  

I thought if you are going to insult me old man I'm giving it back to you with a smile. 

Rick looked at me like wtf are you telling him we're republicans for?

But it shut him the hell up. He made a sound, "Hmf" and that was it.

Never said another word and we all went on like civilized humans.

Must have been difficult for the fool.

We shook his hand and thanked him and gave him the money.

As I was driving off the property Rick said, " You say these things in such a way that makes it sound like you are so nice and you are not insulting him, it's your gift, Margaret. This man was just too stupid to get it. 

And just so you know, I don't care how cheap his wood is, I won't be giving that old $#@! my money again."

Good Call Rick.

don't let the accent fool ya - give this guy a listen

PTSD

Well, it happened.

Rick has been chomping at the bit to drive, as I told you in the last post. 

His OT told him Wednesday that he could begin driving but to be aware of his deficiency. That means his eyesight on the top left. Thankfully when driving that isn't a big issue.

I suggested we drive around our neighborhood development to start. 

He thought that was a good idea. 

He kept telling me, "Oh I'm so ready and I know I can do this."

Well, in my mind I am thinking, I know you're ready but you always think you can do something until you do it and sadly find out you can't at all.

Do we want to find this out behind the wheel? But of course that was my inside-my-head conversation.

So to me suggesting that he stay off the main roads was far safer to begin. And honestly, I didn't want to burst his bubble.  He needs this win and I know it.

We got in the car. My insides were a wreck blogger friends. But I know I had to outwardly appear calm. Oh, trust me that wasn't easy. He backed out of the driveway which almost took out the mailbox. He laughed. I did not. We made some jokes but I honestly wasn't feeling it.

We were going along and I said, "Are you driving in the middle of the street because it's here in the subdivision or because you don't realize you're doing it?"  

He laughed and said because we are where we are. Okay, I told him to pretend we were on a main thoroughfare. So he moved to the right-hand side of the road to show me he was fine. He drove slower than usual and we were quiet. I was jumping up and down inside, and my stomach was rolling over. Be calm I was chanting inside my head. Don't show him your fear, he doesn't need that right now. He pointed out the house where the nurse told him she lived ( she was his nurse last Monday at the ablation) So there was some conversation but not a lot. 

We got to a cul-de-sac after a turn and I suggested I take over because I didn't want to be late for his therapy.  He agreed with me easily. That has never happened in 36 years. I even made that smart-ass remark and he laughed. 

Thursday morning I said the usual, "Did you sleep okay?"  He said absolutely not. He told me he wasn't ready to talk about it. I found that odd. I said, "Okay"  Then within 30 minutes he went on to explain that he dreamt of driving, having the stroke all over again, and all those feelings of being in the hospital, the tubes down his throat, the pain, the helplessness, the inability to talk, the smells, all of it. He said it felt awful and he couldn't shake it. He got up to pee and went back to bed and the damn dream continued. 

I said, "It's probably PTSD, or maybe too early to begin driving. The driving yesterday could have stirred this all up within you. I am not a professional I don't really know babe."

He was silent, thinking about it I presume. Then he repeated how awful it was and how he didn't like all those feelings coming back again.  

"I'm feeling great now ya know? I just don't want that again."

I know, I know.

I suggested perhaps he talk to a therapist and find out how to work through all of this. He told me that wasn't a bad idea, to let him sit on that a couple of days.

I really do believe it's PTSD. Just like when I went to my doctor's office where it all happened. I can barely breathe when I am on that road. I sweat, I want to scream/cry, and as I told you I found I was holding my breath the entire time until I stopped the car in the parking lot. Hell after I parked I realized I was rocking.  So I get where he is coming from. This has been hell on us both but mostly him I know.

I was so tired this morning I just did not wish to go to my doctor's appointment in Cary. That drive alone sucks. Every friggin' day I have so many appointments and all I do is run around. Weekends end up being chores and errands that I can't do during the week and more running around. It's never ending or at least it feels that way. And here I thought retirement I would be bored. I have had no time to be bored.

I got showered and sat on the sofa in my robe. Rick told me I looked tired. Yep. I've been up since 2am. Can't sleep, I was hot as hell and didn't want to turn on the air conditioning in November but around 4am I had to. I fell asleep for 2.5 hours on the sofa after I got cool. (it's been in the 80s, thankfully today is the last day of that nonsense!)

He told me to reschedule the appointment and tell them you don't feel well, since covid they won't give you any shit about it. I laughed knowing that the covid comment was true, "No I have to go for my Rx's"  

He said, "Do you have enough for 2 more weeks?"  

"Yes, I do."

He said, "Then play hooky. Just chill"

So I called the cardiologist and I go in two weeks and I am playing hooky today. It feels FABULOUS. 

No makeup, no styling of my hair, a comfy sports bra, a t-shirt with stains, and old leggings with paint on them.

Who knew being schleppy would feel so damn good?!!!

Random Weekly Items

My sister sent me a TikTok video. 

I do not have TikTok downloaded nor do I wish to download it. 

I did watch the video and it just made me angry.

Some 20-something was whining about old people.   

I don't recall doing that when I was 20-something. He called them names (or me names) I was so foolish that I respected them, even if I disagreed with them. More often than not I didn't agree with the older generation but I didn't call them names or at least I don't recall doing that.

Now this kid was lamenting about The Draft. He heard there could be another draft coming soon. He was chomping on food while talking to his camera, which only made him more annoying to me.

He said there was no way 'they' could make him go to war or enter the armed forces if he didn't want to. Isn't that what an entitled snot would say? He actually said, "I mean in the '40s there was nothing to do. So that's why it was no big deal for them. I have things to do in the 21st century." 

Then he lists these things he has to do and I could have just drop-kicked him.

After I watched it I texted my sister and said, "This is the type I'd love to see drafted. He'd be killed by his own platoon soldiers"  

I think that is called fragging. At least I recall that term during Vietnam. 

I remember the draft. I was lucky that it stopped in early 1973. That was the year that my high school boyfriend's number was called and we watched it on TV while in school. Immediately after that, it was stopped. Whew is what we felt.  

I told my sister to stop sending me these awful videos. These kids make me angry. They have had everything handed to them and they don't even appreciate any of it.

Entitlement is ugly.

______

Rick is chomping at the bit to drive. I fear this day.

I was the passenger when he had his stroke while driving. 

When I have to drive on the same street to the area where he had the stroke it's like PTSD. It makes me so uncomfortable and I find myself holding my breath. Unfortunately, it's where my primary doctor's office is. So I've been on that corner a few times since the incident. The last time I realized I was holding my breath so I let it out. But it feels awful. I know, I know it will pass as time goes on, but how long? I'm impatient you know.

I think that when he drives again I will be feeling the same thing.

When they say he can drive and I do believe it will be soon, I will be a wreck if I'm not with him. I won't be great when I'm in the car either but when he leaves and I'm not with him I will be a wreck until he gets home.

How do I make that go away?  It's going to be difficult. But if they let him drive he has to drive. He has lost so much and I know this will make him feel so good. To have his independence again. I get it from his point of view. But from my point of view, it sucks.

I am off to take Rick to speech therapy.

Okay, this will be nice when Rick can drive, but...

Murder Mysteries and Bob Ross

Jean, over at Misadventures of Widowhood talked about a fun Murder Mystery Party she attended and took part in at her community where she lives.  I was sharing all of this with Rick when he asked me one evening, "What is going on in your blog world Margaret?"  That phrase always makes me laugh for some reason. I told him about her event.

Anyhoo, I reminded him how we were going to do that kind of thing after we retired. We wanted to go to one up north with friends and there was always a reason we couldn't go. We were always too busy.

So he decided to look it up around these parts. There is a fun-looking one in Raleigh. It is held at a hotel. We thought it would be fun to stay at the hotel too so we could have a couple of cocktails and not worry about driving home. It's also a hotel that I have a ton of points with so I think we will just try to use my points for a free night.

Sadly it's not as inexpensive as Jean's was. This is $79.95 or let's just call it $80 pp. The meal looked fabulous, most of which looked like things I could even eat. An open bar of course. The reviews for this place were outstanding. 

Sadly the couple here that we would normally do things with can't go being that Becky is in the throes of pancreatic cancer. We think it'd be fun to do this with a few friends.  We mentioned it to our friends up north in Ohio who were to come to our home the weekend of Rick's stroke. We are working on dates now to see if we can make this work for the 4 of us. 

We haven't left our home for more than grocery shopping and doctor visits. 

It's been dreadful as I have shared for the last 5 months and 2 weeks. 

Not that I'm counting. 😁

This weekend we have the Bob Ross exhibit as I shared in the last post. 

Or did I?  I just looked and didn't see it.

Rick loves Bob Ross. I do not get it but whatever. They had a huge event in Northern VA in Loudoun County when we lived there. We then found out The Bob Ross Headquarters Inc. was located right there in our backyard in Loudoun Co. We could never get tickets for the weeks of the exhibit and classes. The day they went on sale I tried from the second it was opened. 

I tried all day since I was at my computer with my phone. It was always busy. It reminded me of the days of old when to get a concert ticket you had to be quick to contact Ticketron.  (remember that?)

Rick was bummed out. We were really trying to get him to one of the classes to take to learn the painting style of Bob Ross. Again all free. I believe the style of his painting is called Alla Prima or Wet on Wet, but I could be wrong and too lazy to check it out on Google while typing this.  Rick would make me laugh telling me if he was taught this he could do this. Oh please. I wish I had his confidence. Me? I can do nothing, no talent but I try always with miserable failure but always laughter.

So when I saw this Bob Ross exhibit nearby I just had to mention it to Rick.

I thought since it's not a free lottery like the other one up north, but at a museum and you must pay to get in, we should have no issues getting in. 

I asked him if he was up for all that walking. 

Well, this man was giddy, "Yep I can do it." 

Happy Accidents as Bob says. 

Rick's sister (the one who came after the stroke) got him all kinds of Bob Ross things. One was band-aids. He put those on his catheter site on the day of his testing this week. He was told to keep a band-aid on it at all times and to change it daily. The nurses saw that face when he had his testing and of course, they loved his choice of bandaids. The entire band-aid is Bob's face and afro. It is funny. 

The exhibit is in Rocky Mount. It is a small hillbilly, fentanyl, and high crime headquarters of NC. To be honest because of all that we were shocked they even had a museum. But we are going to head over there, it's about an hour's drive NE. Hey, it's not a doctor's office or hospital so I can handle some time with the goofy Bob Ross. I don't understand his appeal but it will get him out of the house and make him happy. It gets me out of the house too. My car knows the way to the hospital so this different route will probably shock my car as well as my system. 

Wednesday is my morning. I see a new eye doctor. Oh, I still see the specialist for that damn mass known as Betty. But he doesn't do regular eye exams and get me glasses. I am suddenly finding I need glasses a bit more. Computer and reading. Both are different scripts too. 

I will shoot for contacts if I have to wear them all the time. But we shall see. 

Then Rick has speech therapy later in the day. Hey, I don't get a full day of not driving.

And speaking of driving, on Tuesday I got a tank of gas on our way home from the hospital. It was $2.93 then as I drove by another gas station closer to my home it was even less by only $.06 but that always bums me out. 

I love the price going down. But I was so low on gas that it was almost $50 to fill it up.  And sadly because I drive so much that doesn't last long.  

In other exciting news - the lawn guy showed up. 2 weeks in a row. Imagine that! The new tile company took a deposit and was to call to get us on the schedule on Monday. I called and I was told someone would call me on Tuesday. no one did. I left a pleasant but very stern email. Next one won't be so nice. I will take back the money if I have to. Damn the shitty contractors around these parts!  Quick to take your money though.

Monday

Well, here it is, Monday evening and all is quiet on the southern front.

We had Rick's Doppler today. They said CT scan but it was a doppler. I guess that is better to see it all, the femoral artery, etc.

Rick was in rare form today. Funny as hell and feeling good. We got there at 9:30a as requested. He saw the same woman who checks people in. There are 5 rooms and Rick seems to get the same young woman. She said, "Not you again." And she laughs. Rick said, "Ah, but I missed you so I had to come back."  They laugh. Then he says, I smell bacon, eggs, and toast, definitely toast. The look on her face is how I feel when no one smells what he smells. She said it was in their back room which is down the hall.  She said someone brought them all some breakfast. "How can you smell this she asked him? I can't smell it and I know it's there!" He laughed and said, "Since this stroke, I smell everything!"  

I nodded and told her it was pretty annoying.

Then he is taken back to the area of testing. I am sitting outside of this room. I hear uproarious laughter. More muffled chatter, more laughter. 

I am thinking what the hell are they doing in there? Apparently, Rick had the techs and nurses cracking up. Oh yeah, he was feeling better.

He said that Rosie, the lead tech was an older woman. (probably younger than us) This was a teaching moment with 3 students. All female. 

They were moving his junk to and fro ever so timidly and being so gentle.  Finally, he said, "Look this place shaved me from neck to knees this past week, there is no more dignity, do what you have to do, and don't worry about it." 

So they did. At one point Rosie is holding his penis away from the femoral artery so they get a good view of this and says to a tech, "Make this larger" meaning the view on the screen. 

Rick said, "Yes please"  

Apparently, Rosie and the girls laughed loudly at that. Rosie told him he was her best patient ever. 

Oh please, don't feed that damn ego!

How he gets away with the things he says is beyond me. To think he was VP of HR and dealt with sexual harassment cases and inappropriate work behavior. 

We saw the order, it stated for a pseudoaneurysm rule out.  They were concerned because this thing could cause another stroke. So they looked at everything and by the time we got home we were called by the doctor telling us the size of the hematoma and it will just slowly go away. Yes, it is tender and painful but continue not lifting more than 10lbs, etc. The doctor was thrilled and felt better knowing this as did we. Of course every time I tell Rick he can't lift more than 10lbs he says I will have to hold his penis while he pees. The ass.

I took a photo of him in his favorite shirt while we were in the waiting room. He had on shorts and a T-shirt then decided to put on sweats over his shorts. Goofball. But it was a very chilly morning. Then when he walked out he was in his shorts and it was now warm out. Here he is in the waiting room. As you can see he still has a lopsided grin. I don't think it will get much better than this but that's okay. He can smile and he's alive. It's not like when you first have a stroke and the entire left side is droopy. 

He likes this shirt so much I had to buy more in different colors. 

Saturday night he was feeling so good except for that big egg in his groin. 

I said I was going to have some wine. I bet I've only had 3 glasses the entire time since his stroke. He said he'd like to try joining me.

Last time he tried it burned his throat. I said sure.

We went onto the patio on a glorious night and had some wine. 

I said I better get started on some food. 

He asked, "Ah how about some junk, do you feel like cooking?"

" Hell, I never feel like cooking!"

So I made queso and we had chips and queso with wine for dinner and it was just damn delightful like the pre-stroke days. Laughing on the patio and just chillin'

Sunday we were both so confused because we forgot to set the clocks back. That was funny. As we were getting our bearings Rick said, "I think I'm either too old to share a bottle of wine with you anymore or it's the stroke talkin' because I am dragging today."  I told him it was both, he's very old AND he's had a stroke. 

He threw a crumbled-up piece of paper at me. Well?

Saturday after the patio 'dinner' we came inside when it began to get chilly. We decided to stream a movie. The room was dark as we like it for a movie. We continued to finish our wine. We went to bed after the movie.

In the morning he came out to the living room after me as I was opening the blinds etc. I turned to look at Rick in his ugly chair and I saw what I thought was blood running down from the corner of his mouth down below his chin. I ran to him. He said I had a look of fear on my face that scared him. I got to him and touched it and realized it was wine. I laughed. That side of his face and mouth is numb. So apparently wine slipped out and rolled down his face. He didn't feel it of course. I didn't see it sitting in the dark. 

I made him go look and he said, "OMG, it does look like blood no wonder all the blood left your face!"

"Ah, yeah, I thought oh not another setback, bleeding from your mouth?"

He thought that was so funny. I did too after I realized it was wine.

He said, "You didn't even tell me it was there." 

"I didn't see it!

You went to bed first. I came out of the bathroom and the lights were out. How would I have seen it?"

Oh, how we laughed about this. 

But let me tell you it scared the shit out of me at first!

Later Sunday I had to run and get some coffee. I asked if Rick wanted to come along. He said, yes to get out of the house. I made a few stops and no one had my coffee. I had to go to Walmart damn it. By this time Rick was tired of walking so he said he'd sit in the car. A man pulled into a handicap spot without a handicap placard. That made Rick mad. He was going to say something he said. Then the man got out of the car with a cane and one leg. He laughed. Not at the man, but that he was being so self righteous and was going to yell at the poor man who most definitely needed that spot. 

By the time I got back to the car, Rick was laughing. I asked if I dared ask him why he was alone in the car laughing. He said he was laughing at himself and then shared the story. He said, "That poor man. But he does need a placard" 

Rick has a barium swallow test tomorrow to find out what the stroke did that is causing the swallowing issue. Of course, the pig told me it was better he had this swallowing issue than me. Honestly, that man, even a stroke can't make him be less of a pig. But things like pepperoni, his favorite, burns his throat, and he chokes a good deal of the time. So one last thing we must fix. 

He will be going back to all his therapies next week. Then at the end of the year, they stop and he will have to join a gym in January to continue getting strong. I will join with him and I think it will be good for us both.

Could it be we have turned a corner? I sure hope it continues.

😍

My Week

 Rick, who never reads me, read me on the last post. 

"Hey did you tell them about the time I knew Megan was having the baby that day? Did you tell them about...?

No, and no because I would be writing posts about you for days. 

"And there is something wrong with you writing about me?"

"Oh my God this is going to your head. I liked it better when you didn't read me."

Okay, I will share the one about Megan.

I thought I wrote about it but couldn't find it so if I did - here it is again.

We were heading to Cleveland and Columbus. We were driving.

We were going to spend 2 days with our friends Megan and Jared first.

Now Megan was to have a baby in 2.5 weeks. We kept telling them we wouldn't be staying at their house, we would get a hotel. They were adamant about us staying. I felt it was too much because she was pregnant.  They persisted. We gave in.

I brought a breakfast casserole, party food, appetizers, dips, and a meal for the evening. Of course plenty of alcohol for us 3. I did not want to make her cook for us being pregnant. But we couldn't wait to see them.

We arrived and Megan was at her kitchen island making something for her young daughter. Rick took one look at her and said, "Megan you're having the baby today." She laughed and said, "No I better not, I'm not due for a few weeks."

20 minutes later she walked into the bathroom came out and said, "My water broke"

Off to the hospital she goes. We stayed with her daughter overnight as her husband took her to the hospital. We played with her adorable daughter. She got a new sister that evening after we 3 went to bed. 

When Jared came home he said to Rick that he had heard you predicted this. How did you know? Rick said, "Just a feeling I got"

So there ya go.

Because the baby was born and Jared was going to take his daughter to the hospital to visit mom and new sister we packed up and headed to Columbus to see Rick's daughter.

Wild 24 hrs that was for sure. 

So there ya go Ricky - I told them. Now go back to not reading me.

Thursday night we were chatting about being kids and our childhood. 

He thinks I was a rich kid. Hardly. But we had more than him.

I told him how my mom hated us running in and out for something to drink. You know before the days of bringing bottled water everywhere. 

The slamming of the screen door and the running in and out drove her crazy. 

My dad came home with a water fountain.  Not the sink just the spigot I guess you'd call it. He installed it in the backyard against our house by the back door. This was so we could get a drink and not go in and out of the house all day long in the summertime. Oh but then all the neighborhood kids would all come. There would be a line sometimes for kids to get water. Over time it was a good size puddle under that fountain & the grass had died but to my parents apparently, that was better than us running all day long in the summer for a drink. 

I had a neighborhood kid tell me we must be rich to have your own drinking fountain.  But I don't think my father paid for it. I think as a plumber it was from a job site. Fell off the truck as he'd say. We were not poor but we were not rich either. 

We also had air conditioning when no one else did. Again, because my father did plumbing, heating, and air conditioning. I imagine that fell off the truck too and installation was done by him so that was a cost he didn't have to fork out. But heaven forbid we use it. He'd always say to open the back door and the front door for cross-ventilation.  Whatever Dad. But come August it was warm and then he'd turn it on. But in my hometown, it never got really hot. Humid, but not really hot like down here.  Down here is hell. One can live without air here but I sure as hell wouldn't want to.

Rick's family was poor. He was adopted and they only had 1 child because that was all they could afford. His father worked in the mines and then was a custodian at the local hospital. His mom took in laundry and cleaned other people's homes. So to him, I was a rich kid. He'd tease me that he used a fan and we had air conditioning. But it was my father's job I'd say. 

He'd just shake his head. 

I suppose I was in comparison. 

____________

I had to go to the doctor this past Thursday. A day off from running Rick somewhere and I had to go out anyway. I had been having a lot of hip pain. I was having trouble sleeping on my side or anyway actually from this pain.

Sitting, walking. It all bothered me.  

This orthopedic doctor was very nice. Friendly, warm, and funny. 

But he wasn't my Tall, Tan, and Gorgeous Orthopedic Surgeon like up north. Oh well. 

His brother lives in Northern VA so we discussed that. 

He asked me if I liked it here and I said, "I miss NoVa"  

He laughed and said, "Enough said" 

Good because I don't like to tell locals I dislike it here.  

It will grow on me like a fungus.

I had X-rays and he put them up and said, "Oh you've had some surgeries on your back."  

"yep 3 and I think that is how I went from 5'2" to 5'1"  

He told me that was definitely the case.

Then he said the phrase I absolutely despise, "Your hips look great for a woman of your age"

He couldn't just say, "Your hips look good?"

Then he looks at my chart and says, "How old are you?"

I tell him.  Again, he says, "Well your hips look great for your age"

Argh. But no hip replacement in my future I guess. But boy that phrase.

It's like when someone says, "You look good for your age"

That is not a compliment. Just stop at, Hey you look good.  That's enough.

It was bursitis in my hip. So I just got a cortisone shot in my hip.  

I'm feeling better but every once in a while I still have a twinge. 

He said to leave him a message on my chart portal if it doesn't do the trick after a week.  Hopefully, it will.

_____________

Tuesday I picked Rick up from the hospital.

After I got him home and settled in, we discussed the things they told us and that were on his discharge papers. He has a small pea-sized bump/hematoma where the catheter went into his groin. His thigh is black blue and purple and it is tender as you can expect. But by Friday that pea had grown to the size of an egg. They said if it got bigger to let them know immediately. 

We messaged them through the portal. They called immediately and said can you be here by 3pm (it was 2:30p) I was not dressed. I threw on a bra and sweatshirt and grabbed a baseball cap. I had been washing the floor and I did not do my hair because I thought it was a day off. 

We got in the car and I drove like I was in NASCAR. We made it there at 2:46. He got right in and was examined. They did not like this. They tried to get him a CT Scan but there were no appointments available here at the hospital. So they tried several neighboring cities. Friday, after 4 and no appointments to be had. So he was sent home to watch the size of this. 

If bigger go to the ER, they told us. In the meantime, we go back and get a CT Scan Monday morning. Yippee.

This poor man has been through the wringer. His body is stressed. 

He is stressed. I am stressed but this isn't about me. I am scared and I worry 24/7.  I don't sleep. I was up today at 3 a.m. and I think about all these things. I wish I could turn it off.  

I just want my Big Guy back in one piece again.