Mentally Speaking

 The most difficult part of this stroke for me is Rick's mental attitude.

There are days that are great. There are also some very bleak days.

He wants to give up. He tells me he doesn't want to fight anymore. He wishes he'd just died.

This shit kills me more than watching him struggle with his left hand.

He had to see the family doctor after he was released from the hospital this last time. She is terrific.

She asked about his mental health. I sat there and watched him try to figure out what he wanted to say. You see Rick wants to be strong like bull. Oh, he's bullheaded but that's another story. :-)

He said finally, I have good and bad days. She offered a low dose to get him through this. He was adamant about no drugs.  I said on the way home, I understand you think you can do this, but when you're in pain you take something. Your brain is healing this will help you. Then in a month or so maybe you won't even need it and can get off of it. Why is this worse than taking oxy for pain? All he kept saying was NO. Maybe later, but I think I can deal with this.  I wanted to scream, you stubborn old coot! But that wouldn't help so I screamed it in my head and smiled at him and held his hand.  

I think maybe I should take it. LOL 

He woke up in a different mood. I asked him what was going on and he tells me he had bad dreams. I sat with him with our coffee and suggested he tell me these dreams.

Apparently, we were at a party and my cousin Frank and his wife Janet were there as well as Bobby and all the cousins who have been calling and checking on him. He said I was across the room and would pay no attention to him. When he came over to me I told him to get lost. 

I laughed and he said, "It wasn't funny in my dream, it really hurt me"

I said that it was just a dream, I would never tell you to get lost, you can do that on your own.   

Well, that made him howl with laughter. whew.

You see he is severely directionally impaired and a stroke hasn't helped him so getting lost is something he just does and he knows it. (Or as he refers to it, well I saw things I wouldn't normally see going this way. Yep, like another state you goof ball.)

He went on to tell me that I was with another man and kept telling him that I wasn't his wife and to beat it. Oh my goodness. 

I held his hand and told him,'he was stuck with me as his wife. Remember? good times and bad times, sickness and health. I don't go back on my word and you know that! 

Again, he laughed and said, "Oh that is you all right" 

"Okay so see? It was just a dream babe. I'm right here by your side and not going anywhere!"

I suggested fresh air and we took our coffee to the front porch. His favorite place to sit and have his morning Joe. I left him there to sit and stare at the birds etc. He calls this an attitude adjustment, being in nature. I hope so. 

Those of you who have had a stroke or have a loved one with a stroke did they take anything for the depression? Did it pass or did it linger for a long time?

Walking

 Rick has been a bit lazy since he has not had any therapies. So I decided to make him walk the length of our driveway.

He did that for two days and then around the property and boy, it's then nap time. It makes me chuckle. But I know he needs to do that too. I hear them in my head telling me about Stroke Fatigue.

Sunday, he said he was ready to venture outside the house. He wanted to go to the grocery store with me. 

Okay, I said, "but are you sure you can walk this?"

He was insistent that he could. He and his walking stick.

I dropped him off at the storefront so he didn't have to walk from the end of the parking lot too. By the time I parked and entered the store, he was already done with the aisles of produce. He had his walking stick on the cart and he was just leaning on the cart. I didn't want to make a big deal but it was a big deal. He felt comfortable enough to not use the walking stick. He has been doing that a great deal in the last couple of days. Hmm...

We meandered through the store and there were a few times when he felt he was too slow for the people behind him. I noticed he would move all the way to the right side of the aisle and let others pass. 

He said he wished he had a shirt or something to say, "I move slowly, just had a stroke, feel free to pass me"

That made me laugh but I could see how that would make him feel better.

When we got to the ice cream department he had to stop. 

He asked me to stay by the cart. I said, "Okay, but don't you need your stick?"  

No, watch me he says, with his shit-eating grin. And I did watch him. 

He walked to the freezer section, opened it up, and grabbed what he was looking for, Tillamook Vanilla Bean, and he walked back to the cart with no problem. I was again impressed. No limp, no walking stick, just a walk.

He got the cart into the checkout line and we were done. 

When we got to the door I suggested he stay there and he said, "Oh good" as he leaned against the wall of the storefront outside. 

I went and loaded up the car and fetched My Big Guy. 

I saw a young man who was tall with long gorgeous braids, not dreads, who was talking to Rick. I saw him as I pulled out of the parking space. 

Was he selling something?  Gee, he is a cute young thing. 

Rick later told me that is what he thought too when he approached him that he must be selling something.

Rick said, "The young man walked over to me and told me he was in the medical field and asked me if I needed some help because I appeared a bit wobbly?" 

Rick said, "I just had a stroke in May so yes I am wobbly but I'm okay. Thank you so much for asking."  

Rick put out his hand to shake this young man's hand and to thank him for his concern. Rick told him that was the nicest thing a stranger had done for him. 

As I pulled up, the young man said he was just glad he was okay. 

I jumped out to help Rick into the car but this young man was doing it already.  Rick really doesn't need help, but it takes him more time than it does for you and me. I also like to stand by him as I was taught in his rehab should he lose his balance and that is what the young man was doing as well because he was helping Rick before I even got to that side of the car. As he shut the door we both yelled another, "Thank you!" and waved goodbye.

We talked about that on the way home. How damn nice was that? How often do you see a young man helping an old fart? Not as often as I'd like to think happens. But sure glad we got to witness this act of kindness.

All in all, it was a good day. Rick was walking around the grocery store and by the time he got home it was nap time. I was putting the groceries away when he said, "Sorry babe, I gotta sit down"  That was it. Into his ugly chair and he was out like a light.  

Rick was out and about and moving. It was all good. Baby steps. 

He was animated and funny. The check-out kid asked him something and Rick answered him. The kid looked confused. 

Rick said, "I just had a stroke, it's hard to understand me"  

The kid said, "No, I think I understood you but it didn't match what I asked."

Rick chuckles and says, "Ask me again"

The cashier said, "Did you want these onions in a separate bag?" as he is holding up the onions already in a net bag. 

Rick's original answer was no I don't need cash back. (not even close!)

So upon hearing it correctly Rick and I both begin to laugh and Rick says, "Okay my stroke did not affect my hearing that was bad before the stroke. And No, I don't want cash back and yes, I want my onions in a grocery bag please." 

Thankfully the young man laughed a lot and said okay. 

Then we heard about his grandfather's hearing mishaps that make the family laugh. 

Whew, he wasn't making fun of Rick, which is Rick's fear, but just being kind and sociable.

Rick is getting more comfortable to be in public speaking. To me he is only hard to understand when he's tired. But I'm sure to others they may not find it as easy as me since I'm used to his speech since the stroke.

Eating is another story. He is not ready to eat out in public yet. He still has some numbness on the left side of his mouth and cheek. Small area but enough that if he has food on the left side of his lip he doesn't feel it. He can have food hanging out of his mouth and not know it. We have come to an agreement on how he wishes to handle this. 

I hate being a mom and saying, "Wipe your mouth"

Truth be told he doesn't like hearing it either but knows it is necessary.

He has gotten far better in the last two weeks it's amazing, but he still has an issue from time to time. 

So now I just say, "Rick" and he looks at me as I touch my mouth. Or I say nothing and if he looks at me I touch my mouth. He then knows.  Yesterday eating a salad was a wild ride for him. Thank Goodness his humor is intact because that was crazy. Lettuce hanging from his mouth. He said, "If I dare go out in public to eat, no salad!"  Yes, I see that.

But that is a task for another day. 

He is walking far more now and so much better! 

This next week is a lot of therapies so I see a lot of naps in his future. 

But it's all good today. 

I am stopping on this high note.😁

Friday

Having a great morning. Coffee on the porch while it rained. We enjoyed that summer rain a great deal.

We have 3 days, today, Saturday, and Sunday to enjoy before going to therapies and doctors nonstop day after day. 

Yesterday we watched a documentary on Bon Jovi, the band. Yes, make fun of us, we liked some 80s hair bands and Bon Jovi was one of them.

The documentary was awful. But so was the new one on Wham. I'm seeing a lot of bad docs sadly. 

Anyway, we got to discussing seeing Bon Jovi in concert when we were just friends. The band was playing in my hometown. Apparently, his mom is from Erie too. This is July, 1987. 

His grandparents still lived there in ole Erie,PA. His grandfather said if you're such a big deal why don't you play here? He said, "Well then, I will" 

Bon Jovi did play in Erie and I told this story and had his grandfather stand up and take a bow. It was cute.

I was living in Cleveland. (90 minutes away) Rick called to tell me he was coming to Erie, on the Slippery When Wet tour. 

Rick said, "Come home and we will go." 

Rick bought us tickets and I couldn't wait. 

It was a stadium concert and the opening was Tower of Power with Huey Lewis and The News. Great concert!!

We were in the front sitting on blankets. It was miserably hot and they hosed down the crowd several times during the shows. That may sound awful but the watering down of the crowd actually felt good.

My goofy friend, Rick, was obsessed with the woman next to him. A cute young blonde thing wearing flip-flops. He leaned over to me to tell me she had very long black hair on her toes and feet. I giggled. Honestly this man. 

But for whatever reason he couldn't stop with this young lady. Why wouldn't she wax or shave that, he'd ask me? It's like a monkey he kept saying which only made me laugh more. I tell him to trade seats with me. He tells me he can't unsee it now. I laugh and say okay, so she's not your 10.

He says, she's a freaking monkey did you see how long it was?"  

"No, I did not wish to stare Richard."

But then I stare. Omg, he's right. You could braid this. Now we smuggled in alcohol. (The advantage of big boobs) so I'm a bit toasted and I can't help but laugh. My God, he's right and now I can't look away.

This poor woman. But seriously if those were my feet I'd hide them in shoes or wax them off!!

Rick's memory is intact that's for sure. Short-term, not as good. A song came on a commercial and I said it was The Letterman. He said it was Jay and The Americans. Damn, he was right. Ask him where we went yesterday and that answer is a crap shoot. 75% of the time he remembers. But that 25% he does not. Truth be told I'm the same way but, without a stroke. 😆

Anyway here is Bon Jovi when we saw him in concert in 1987.

This is John Today.

Yep, we all age. Not as well as him but we all age damn it!

Garbage Day.

 Hi kids! 

I remembered it was Garbage Day!  Now that's a first! Want to know how I did that? My husband who refers to himself as Stroke Boy, reminded me of what day it was. Now that's sad, isn't it?

Things are getting back to "normal" whatever that is these days.

Rick was using a walker after this initial huge setback. It changed over night. Today he is back to a walking stick. Almost where he was before all this happened. A bit more to go.  

His PT, OT, and Speech therapies have been moved to WakeMed here in my area. 2.8 miles from my home. So that is helpful. We spent the last 2 days at the main hospital in Raleigh, where he had doctor's appointments etc. So many doctor's offices in the hospital that I was unaware of. I was pushing Rick in a wheelchair so we could move along. But mostly because the walking is extensive in this huge complex so I asked him if he wanted to try the chair and he was so agreeable so he didn't have to walk so far and so much. We brought his walker once he got out of the chair.

As we are going around corners and taking elevators and moving along he kept asking me how I knew my way around this place. I reminded him of all the places he's been here, Neuro ICU, ICU, Intermediate Care, and finally the Rehab hospital wing. I know this hospital sadly and I know how far one must walk. I also think that contributed to my 23lbs weight loss since his stroke - all that damn walking. Okay and never eating but still I never lose weight that quickly in my life so it was odd to me. Thankfully there are chairs along the way that I would sit in for a bit. Catch my breath and move along again.

Normally I was carrying clean clothes or dirty clothes and/or food, luggage, while he lived in rehab. I was always carrying things that made the walks even more difficult. Then the bridge to the parking garage and then the elevator to the floor you parked on. It was a lot. Then yesterday I get to the car and it looks like someone grazed the front part of my car. It is scratched and the door looks fine but opens weirdly. So the black cloud above us hasn't left yet it appears. I have a call into the insurance company so we shall see how this goes.

I've mentioned to anyone who would listen that Rick only got gout every 2-3 years in his right foot. Since the stroke, it's been several times. It has to be the medication. I was poo-pooed until yesterday. I don't care if I am poo-pooed as if I'm a ditz, I will be as tenacious as a pit bull to make them listen to me. 

We got to the A-fib doctor and I again state that it appears to me, the layman, that the drugs you have him on are contributing to the gout issue. Sure enough after going down the list, one was removed entirely and 1 was reduced from 360mg to 120mg.  He needs this medication but it does have a tendency to increase uric acid so we are trying first to reduce it.  He is still on steroids to get his gout down and so far they are working. He is walking and feeling better.  He has also been eating more. Steroids are good for that, aren't they? He has lost a total of 61lbs.  He is thrilled as am I but what a horrible way to do it.

When Rick worked in construction he ate a lot but he was doing so much physical labor that he didn't gain weight. Then he retired and continued to eat that way and put on the pounds fast as lightning. I would remind him as he was outgrowing his clothes that he needed to cut back now that he isn't working physical labor 8-10 hours a day. Climbing stairs, ladders, and carrying heavy equipment. But he didn't care, pass me that 3rd pork chop. 😁

He is now at his weight prior to retirement. (He gained 30lb each year of retirement.) 

He doesn't really eat much at all now but these steroids have brought on hunger. Since I feed him he gets healthier food until today's lunch. He so wanted a tomato sandwich from his garden. So he had a tomato sandwich with pickled onions and cheese. Except for the cheese, the inside of the sandwich was all from his garden. That pleases him so.

Neighbors have been told to take what they want from our garden. I just don't have a lot of time these days. The neighbor across the street, Gwen, took some green tomatoes to make fried green tomatoes.  Never had them. But the breading wouldn't be something I could do now so there is that.

I gave her some beans that I picked, cleaned, blanched, and froze as well as a basket of red tomatoes, cherry tomatoes, green peppers, and jalapenos. She gets so excited. Her son told her these were the best tomatoes he's ever eaten. That made Rick happy. And he's right the cherry tomatoes are like candy. The plum tomatoes were great for sauce and the beefsteak are just damn good tomatoes. Huge, flavorful, and make for a great BLT.  I made pico de gallo 2 nights ago from the garden, our onions, tomatoes, and jalapenos. Limes and cilantro I had to buy. 🤣

The neighbor directly next door, Sharon, lets us know when she picks things out of the garden. Yesterday she text that she feels like she's stealing. Nope, please take what you can use because it breaks our hearts to think it would all go to waste.  Today I will go out later and pick more but most days we leave for the doctor appts in a.m. and come home it's time for dinner and it is a vicious cycle of appointments and driving. So if you live nearby, come get some fresh veggies!!

I haven't had a haircut since April. To wear a pixie but not go for that long means you no long have a pixie cut. I can't get in to see the woman I have been seeing until the end of the month. I tried my old hairdresser and found he now charges $88 for a cut. I'm sorry unless you are making me look like JLO or Selma Hayek I am not paying $88 for a cut and then tip! Nope. 

So my neighbor Sharon has a hair salon I just found out about. 

It does not look like an up-to-date place but I'm going to give it a try. 

I can get in, and it's cheap. I probably will get what I pay for since it's only $45 + tip. We shall see. I'm scared but I need a cut badly. My neighbor was booked and she told me if she was to book with Tonya. Her bio was better than Sharon's, so fingers crossed she will be up to date with texturizing, etc.

I have been chopping pieces here and there. Then I took Rick's edgers for his beard and cut around my ears. They are gonna love my hack job.

Oh, and the doctor and PA (woman physician's assistant) yesterday told Rick how good he looked and sounded. I had just given him a haircut the day before and he was shaved and cleaned. This A-fib doctor only met him in the hospital where you look like shit with an overgrown beard and dirty hair. 

So they made a fuss about ole blue eyes, which is what the PA called him. 

My Big Guy loved all the fuss.

The other day I saw him thinner and older and looking like an old man as he walked into the living room.

It was the first time in my life that I saw him like this.

It rattled me. Where's my Big Guy? 

Ah, We are old.

Funny how I never thought of us as old but damn it I guess we are.

Reality bites.

That's the other thing, they keep telling him he looks at least a decade or more younger than he is. He said yesterday to them, "Well it doesn't help me in any way to look younger if my body is shit"  They laughed of course but I understand what he means. So what if he looks younger than his age he's a hot mess otherwise it appears.  

Next week is jammed packed with doctors, therapies and I even have a drs appointment to follow up on my surgery. I'm doing okay, I think I could be doing better but considering what I have on my plate, I'm okay.

We did get approved for a home modification from our short-term/long-term care insurance. So the tub can be removed to put in a walk-in shower. They give me a set amount they will pay. Anything above that is my responsibility. I have no idea what this will cost. Fingers crossed we can do this for what they give me. I won't even go to the negative place yet. 

Dreary Monday

I promised a story about my miserable family but decided not today.

Let's not go into the mud and muck of toxic people today.

As they say on The Marvelous Mrs Maisel - 'Tits up!'

(meaning go forward and hold yourself up high)

I began my day calling SS for some help in getting a care giver to assist me.

I wanted to see how many hours a week I can get. I have doctor appointments and other reasons to have to leave the house. But I can't do that right now since I can't leave Rick. God I need a hair cut but that's low on the list of priorities but still...Grocery shopping, getting gas, going to the drs etc.

I am also trying to figure out how to get Rick's glasses tightened. If you recall the ER lost them and I got him news ones. I picked them up while he was in the ICU. He has not had them fitted and they are constantly rolling down on his nose. Gout still not ready for going to Costco.

I called SS this a.m. and was on hold for 90 minutes and then a recorded voice came on and told me to call back on Tuesday, a lighter day. So much for that. I also called a young man who neighbors have raved about for hauling. We have a pile behind Rick's wood pile that must be hauled away. It's just a mess and this was on Rick's list the week of his stroke. He asked for pictures and he would give me a quote.

I've lost my handyman and will now have to pay for things like others do. Boy was I lucky!

Are you all aware of affirm or after pay? You can buy things on layaway type situation. It reminds of me of QVC, "for 5 easy payments"  

Same concept. You get your goods and you pay for it monthly with no interest. It's been a game changer for me in my poor life now.

We have used it a few times. After it's paid off then and only then can I think about another thing we may need. This time it's a mattress.

Our mattress has been shitty for years. We had a tempur pedic back in the day. It lasted until it's warranty was up. It lasted 10 years I swear to the day. It was one of the first tempu pedics. We got it in 2000. By 2010 it was shot. Divets where each slept. Because you can't turn them over you can only spin them we did that for years. But finally got rid of it. 

The next one was worse. It lasted 5 yrs. Then onto another one.

It lasted about the same amount of time but we're still using it sadly.

Neither of us can take it so we decided to look for a new one. Prior to Rick's stroke we picked the one we wanted but the price was high and we wanted to wait a bit longer. The time came, they sent an email announcing the July sale. It would save me just over $480. So I decided to bite the bullet and I did it on payment plan of 8 months with no interest. How can I pass that up?  I should have the new mattress in a week or so. Hopefully that young man who hauls stuff will take our old mattress too. 

It's not going to be easy to do this alone but I have to try. Me carrying a king mattress. Or me dragging a king mattress to another location. It's my new life now. We used to do this together so all 5 foot of me will have to figure it out. I am shocked at myself at some things I just never do so now I don't know how. Like work the grill. I mean you go out there and hold one button and press another to start right? But I never ever grill, that has always been Rick's domain. Just like he's never done a million things around this house including paying bills which is my domain. Now it's all mine and I'm doing the best I can but I suck at some of this stuff. Like putting this shower seat together. Oh how I should never have let him do all this. I need to know stuff too. 

My weekend was waiting on Rick, cleaning, laundry and moving rugs. Because now he uses a walker instead of his walking stick so area rugs are a major pain in the ass. So I washed the ones that can be washed and got them out of his way. But the steroids Rick is taking is making him hungry. As I mentioned in a previous post, he has lost just over 40lbs. The way he was eating yesterday I told him he will gain it quickly. He ate 3 meals and ice cream. He hasn't eaten that much food since May 21st. 

Because of my surgery sleep has been difficult for me. I couldn't lay on my side or tummy and that is how I normally sleep. Laying on my back keeps me awake. I am working on fumes. I slept 2 hrs on Saturday. I was miserable on Sunday. I was a walking zombie. But last night I got some serious sleep. Rick gets up a lot at night we are thinking due to the steroids. He is peeing constantly. Of course I wake up and make sure he gets to the bathroom and back. When I hear him softly snoring I can go back to sleep - I hope. Last night I did. I woke up a lot but I fell back to sleep. I also could sleep on my one side so that was so very helpful. 

I am having some issues from surgery that I did not had at the beginning. 

I see my doctor on the 27th so we shall see. I hope it's all nothing because I can't take much more of anything at this point. I am holding it together by a very thin thread.

Rick has a doctors appt tomorrow and again with his new A-Fib doctor on Tuesday. I have a calendar of appointments so my new job is chauffeur. They moved all his rehabs to a WakeMed location 3 miles from us instead of 18 miles from us at the main campus. That will make things better for me anyway. But it's not about me, we hope it's the same level of care. It's WakeMed so it should be. Funny name for a hospital isn't it? I guess it's because of Wake, being in Wake County, and Med being medical. Only thing I can think of but who knows. 

And like the rest of the country it has been opressively hot. Today it is cool in comparison. So Rick is going to sit on the patio while I cut his hair today. He needs to get cleaned up for his appointments. He asked me what I thought about taking off all his facial hair again. I said do whatever it is you want. It's your face. (I do prefer him with hair on his face but he has so little choices these days of what he wants so I told him to do whatever his pea pickin' heart wanted which made him chuckle)

It's only going to be 88 degrees today. It's overcast and dreary and I don't mind. Keep the sun behind those clouds!! 

Sadly, the rest of the week will be high 90s again with high 90+% humidity. 

I do not like summer. Least favorite season here. Give me spring, fall and winter and you can keep summer. I just need 75 degrees and we don't have that in summer that is spring and fall and a few winter days. 

Thank God for air conditioning but then its a culprit causing global warming. Not a good cycle is it? Are you using your air right now? Or are you lucky enough to live in a cool climate? Are there still cool climates with global warming?

Inquiring minds want to know.

How is that Helpful?

Rick is home right now.  I will update you later on that.
Today I am going to discuss shitty families.  We both have them.

When Rick had his stroke his sister he just found (remember he's adopted) called to say she wanted to come. I asked her not to come at that point. How about a bit later? She kept saying she was going to help me. I told her I would need it later but she wouldn't listen. It's always what she wants above anyone else's wants or needs. Then I thought well, it's her brother she should be able to come see him. It's not about what I need or want even if she kept saying she was coming to help me over and over again. 

She is a control freak. She lies. She has to control the narrative at all times.

Remember how I told you she pissed off the nurses so badly that I brought in donuts the next day to apologize? Well, the dumb sister thought I was being nice but in reality, I didn't want her behavior to hurt my husband. She told them they weren't using their software correctly. She told 2 of them this. I heard them outside talking they were livid. She pissed off a doctor. She doesn't let up. She doesn't read the signs. She plows forward.

Help?  How was this helpful?

She spent all her time on the phone. Yet proclaiming to everyone in earshot that she was there to help her brother. Help? How is that? 

As was the case she went into the lobby off his floor and sat on the phone for HOURS. Then she came in asking if the doctor did this? Did they put him on this? You know because she has a degree in nothing but thinks because she works at the worst insurance company in the U.S. that she is a medical professional. 

Because she had been on the phone for hours I text her to let her know Rick was walking for the first time. She ran down the hall and videotaped it. Then made a big production and sent it to people as if she was there all along and not on the phone. This is when she asked about the doctors coming in etc. I told her he was here, it's been worked out. You have to be in the room to get this information and not on the phone. She didn't hear a word of that.

Why be there if you aren't doing anything more than talking to your husband all day? Or on Facebook marketplace? I had to hear what she was buying and selling as if I cared. My husband is in the ICU, I don't give a shit lady.

Rick wasn't talking much at this point but he saw and heard it all. 

He was not happy with her. I had to keep quiet for him. I was unaware that he was so aware of her behavior.

When he came home he told me all he witnessed and heard from nurses, a doctor, and everyone who came into the room. Rick didn't have to tell me I was living it. He apologized to a male nurse who she insisted on 'helping' with the software because she used to train nurses on how to use it. that guy gave her a look that could kill but did she notice. No siree. He did say, "we all use this in the way our company wishes it to be done" and he turned away from her. she walked over to view the screen again. My God she is clueless.

That nurse thanked Rick for the apology. At that point, he was barely speaking but she upset so many that he felt he had to try to communicate to this man that she was going to go home. Yep tubes down his throat and up his nose and you are making him apologize for your behavior. How is that helpful again? 

He told me to tell her to stop it one day in the hospital. 

I asked, "Have you met her? She won't stop it she will pick and pick and pick and until it bleeds then she will be happy. Then she will tell another big story about how that happened and none of it will be close to the truth."  

He chuckled because he knew that to be true. Besides she hates me and it will only make matters worse.

It was so obvious she doesn't like me. She was passive-aggressive, downright mean and I swear she's bipolar. She never told the same story the same twice. She twists. She is a person who wants others to be impressed by her and I think that is why she lies. She MUST control the narrative at all times. She hates everyone that isn't under her control. And she lies to only make herself look good and to cause drama. Oh, how she loves drama. 

My favorite daily remark was how she would say, "I know my brother loves this or that" And I would say, "No, he doesn't where in the world did you get that idea?" 

"Well, I know my brother. "

I wanted to laugh at her. I mean she's known him for what, 5 years? I've known him for 36. I think I have an idea of his likes and dislikes. But it was important for her to tell herself this I guess. 

I let her think at the beginning that I couldn't drive so she felt useful as I wore this brace. But after a couple of days of, "Well cars wouldn't be on the side of the road in California.  We don't drive like this in California" 

I said I could drive. 

Again, how is she helping me? She got the hospital staff pissed off. She was angering my husband who couldn't tell her to shut the F up.  He told her to go home at one point and the drama queen told everyone I told Rick to tell her that. OMG. I would never tell Rick that nor would I have done it while in the hospital. He doesn't need her drama, lies or any of it to stress him out.

And she offered no help at home except she would eat, drink, and smoke pot. 

How is that helping me?

When I came home after 8 hrs at the hospital, I just wanted to be alone. 

To collapse. She wanted to smoke, play on her phone, or eat something. 

I wanted none of that. She was helping me how?

Her latest shit she pulled was after she heard about our ordeal. Again she read and heard what she wanted to see and hear. Rick was unable to get on his feet because his feet and legs were all gout. Prior to this he could get up fine, walk with only a walking stick and was moving along quite nicely.

She text me and asked if I would be home on Sunday. I said probably not since I thought Rick would still be in the hospital. I asked why? She said she was sending an old used chair that would lift Rick out of the chair and onto his feet.

I told her NO. An emphatic no. He does not need that. It is not a piece of equipment he needs or wants, nor do his doctors ever want him to use it because he needs to strengthen his legs, hence what PT is for. PT told him the first week that those chairs do more damage than good for a man like him after a stroke. 

So again I tell her no thank you to the chair. If he needed it or they wanted it for him, insurance would give us a new chair, as they did all the other pieces of equipment we have now. Nice thought but no thank you.

I get to the hospital and tell Rick she wants to send this. He is livid. 

He said she has no respect for me, to ask me what I may need, or what my doctors and therapist think I need she just does it so she can tell everyone look what I did for my brother!  It's all about the show for her.  Aren't I fabulous? Aren't I kind? Aren't I helpful? Aren't I rich? Aren't I smart? C'mon. Why else do people say the make of their car instead of saying, "my car". Who else tells you what size they wear every day at least twice? Who the fuck cares?

Oh, Rick was now really seeing her!!

I agree with him. He and I both text her NO to the delivery. We would like a tracking number to refuse this delivery. She ghosts us for days.

The longer we go without hearing from her or getting a tracking number Rick is getting angrier. This is what she does. She ignores it until she gets what she wants. How did she think this chair was getting into our home? Neither of us would be able to move it.  She's been here where did she think we were going to put this chair? The kitchen? There is no room, not an inch. But damn it,  it's her diagnosis and it doesn't matter that the doctors don't want him to have this type of thing, she believes he needs it. How stupid, something to put him on his feet with feet that can't touch the floor. Smart lady.

Rick again asks her to not ship this or incur this expense. 

He said, "I think you mean well but next time give me some respect and ask me okay? He said that her continuing to do what she wants over respecting everyone else could cause our relationship to severe. Please stop this behavior."  

Still ignored.

Finally, late yesterday as we are leaving the hospital, she writes him and says that she has issues going on you know. No, we don't know. You don't share anything unless it makes you look good so how would we know? 

But of course, Rick doesn't say that.

Then she said it was canceled. And that she was sorry he was severing ties, (HE NEVER SAID THAT) and that words hurt. OMG

So Rick responds with well, you hurt me too and explained. He also asked her to reread the text because that is NOT what it says. She will not see or hear that. She will take what she wants. We all know these toxic people don't we?

Her other family members see this sadly.

She also reminds me of that dog on a commercial, going along with doing one thing and then SQUIRREL.  That is her. I know someone who is bipolar - she is a duplicate of them. Sadly this woman is not medicated or diagnosed because why would she go to a doctor when she knows all things in the medical field? Her family sees this too. 

Now to the angels who were here to help us. They left my home cleaner than when they arrived. They cooked meals and froze them. They did laundry. They vacuumed dusted and cleaned floors, toilets, tubs etc. They did yard work. They watched over Rick while I was in the hospital. 

They picked up Rx's. They never stopped.

That is helpful. Not the woman above. And they are funny and kind. That is HELP.

Rick is extremely sad that he was seeing her true colors. He assumed a lot of this but her visit solidified it for him. I'm glad that I finally could say what I wanted to him because I didn't want to share any of her behavior to upset him or to give him stress when in the hospital. But she did this all herself. I didn't know that he heard the doctors and nurses as I did. They fumed about her for days, hence why I kept bringing in food. One nurse said to me, "we appreciate it but we know it's her, not you and we would never take it out on the patient" While I wanted to believe it I did not. I saw how they came into his room to chat or check on him less due to her.

Yes, I'm ranting these days vs funny. Thank y'all for still coming around.

I hope to get back to funny real soon.

Family Part 2 tomorrow. Hey, you think his family is screwy....have I got a family for ya. 

Long One

 On June 30th I was released to drive. Yipee.

I have not had pain since my surgery. I had discomfort but no real pain.

When getting up I am more like the evolution chart but each day was better.

Coughing, sneezing, and laughing hurt more than anything. But I felt better than I had in years.

Our angels left on the 1st. 

Rick had some swelling happening on his foot but we weren't that concerned...yet.

Now here is the graphic part - sorry.

I didn't poop on the 1st. I didn't poop on the 2nd.

the cramping and pain were off the charts. Sharp stabbing pains.

I couldn't sleep I was miserable. I called my dr and she said to go to the ER and lucky for me she was on call. She wanted to eliminate any blockage.

I told her I really couldn't leave Rick. He was now unable to walk easily.

His left knee/calf (stroke side) was the size of a sequoia tree trunk. He had full-blown gout in his right foot making walking absolutely impossible.  

He was using a walking stick but now a walker because of the pain.

He told me to go to the ER - he wouldn't move from his chair. He promised.

I went to the ER. CT scan with contrast to see my gut. No blockage. Everything looked like it should. But I did vomit a few times and I was dehydrated. I got anti-nausea meds and I wanted to go home. They wanted me to stay overnight. I refused. I said I had to get home to my husband. 

I was told to take Colace and Miralax and drink a ton of water and to let her know if that worked. I have a 2nd follow-up later this month anyway.

I get home and Rick is on the floor. He had been there for an hour. 

He said he wanted to get up and when he knew his feet couldn't do this he thought he'd try doing what his PT man Nunzio told him should he fall. 

How to get up if he fell in his garden or at home for some reason. But his knee/leg and foot were not letting him do what he had to do.  And in all honesty, I didn't understand how he thought it would work.

I could not lift him.

Now I am not to lift more than 10lbs per my surgeon. 

He is way more than that. But I tried for a long long time.

(I did do damage to the hand that was healing) I tried for so long I was in pain. I had to call 911 to get him up and get him help.

Two snarky bastards came and I said I wanted to go back to the ER. They said what do you think they will do for him? I said he is screaming in pain if a wind blows over these limbs, I want him to be seen, and given pain medication that is what I what them to do!  Begrudgingly these two shitheads drive him to the ER. 

He is given a room and no one comes in. We sit and wait. This is not the hospital he's been at in Raleigh. This is the small hospital I just left near our home. (when I say small It may be big to some but it's not WakeMed in Raleigh or Duke) 

Someone comes into the room and takes an X-ray of his swollen leg. Then someone comes in to do an ultrasound or Doppler on his legs to be sure there are no clots. He asks both for water - they say they will get someone to bring him some. They leave. No water is to be had.

An hour later a woman literally RUNS in and says, "Hi I'm Kat, I'm your nurse. I'll be back later"  Never to be seen again. Now mind you, this place is dead. It's Sunday (July 2nd) a holiday weekend. No one in the ER lobby except 2 ladies. So she acted like she was busy but who knows. We asked for water again and she said someone would bring him some. Yes, we've heard that before. No water was given. I see a sink and paper towels and I wet some and give him that for now to wet his lips at least. 

Rick is cold. No blanket. No pain meds. He is miserable. We are ignored. 

Then someone walks in and says we can go home. WHAT? 

I said how do you expect him to go home when he can't walk at all? He was brought in by ambulance. They shrug. You know, that professional behavior. Ooh, I was getting livid. She comes back and tells me that a case manager can arrange transport for him if I'd like. I said yes. 

3 hrs go by and not a peep from anyone. Rick is off the charts in pain.

I go to the nurse's station and see them all partying. They are eating, feet up on desks, and laughing. 

I turned into a Karen.

The snarky heavy-set blonde thing rolled her eyes when I came up to the desk. That's all she is apparently good for, rolling her eyes and making snarky looks at her peers.  I asked where our transport was. One of them says, "Oh the case manager won't be in until tomorrow."

I lost it. "You mean, You are going to have me sit on that metal chair in that room while my husband is freezing, not admitted, and given no pain medication until some time tomorrow? What the hell kind of medical help is this? Why are you doing nothing for his pain? And why the hell did you leave us sitting in there and not communicate any of this to us before I had to ask? What the hell kind of professionals are you?"

Not one fucking word was said in response. 

I go and tell this to Rick. He says bring me home. I ask how? I can't move you, you can't walk. He says he can do it. I know damn well he can't do it. 

The security guard is a huge guy and he shoves Rick in the backseat of my car.

We pull into our driveway at 12:33pm. Rick tells me how to move him slowly so he can get to the steps that I parked so close to for help. 3 steps.

Rick can't and I lose my grip and he is on the pavement. He was on the pavement until 3am. I tried putting a sheet under him and pulling I got him to the steps. But I couldn't get him up. He couldn't even do an army crawl from pain. I was crying. Rick was screaming in pain. This was inhumane of that damn hospital. I wouldn't want someone to treat my dog like this!!!

I had to call the EMS again for help. (Dear Lord people I don't know how all of this will be paid honestly.)They got here and put him on the sofa. He lay there in misery until Tuesday morning. Because he couldn't go to the bathroom we used a pee container like this for him. 

Luckily I just had surgery so I was given some oxycodone. I didn't take any so I've been giving it to Rick every 4-5 hours. Thankfully that made him constipated so we didn't have to worry about that. But I ran to CVS and got him depends. He was livid. He wouldn't wear them. I begged him to put them on telling him they were like underwear, just in case you do have to go better safe than sorry. He was in too much pain to argue with me thank God. But getting them one was a 30-minute ordeal due to not being able to lift his legs to get them on. Boy, my body was sore, and now my wrist. The dislocation on my wrist was not liking any of this but it wasn't about me I had to plow through. This was breaking my heart. 

I wanted to call EMS again and go to WakeMed. You see the first time the snarky bastards who showed up said Clayton was closer. Yes, but we wish to go to Wake Med, it's only 17 miles away. 

This time when the ambulance got here it was two lovely ladies who couldn't pick me up let alone Rick. They called the fire dept for backup and in comes 3 big muscle men to pick up Rick and get him in the ambulance. We headed to Raleigh.  I followed the ambulance there.

We get in the ER and they are rushing around him. He was given pain meds, and an ortho consult on his knee and they drained his knee to be sure it was gout and not sepsis. This is the hospital that saved his life with his stroke. So they had all this information already. That was so damn helpful. They did tests upon tests, gave him pain meds, and blankets, and took care of him like you'd want your loved one to be cared for. Once he got the morphine, his whole body relaxed and he had a good solid nap for a bit. Seeing his body relax was a blessing to me.

The doctor came in and said, "There is no way you can care for him so I'd like to keep him here for a few days until he is able to walk again is that okay with you?"  

Honestly, that was perfect for me. I knew he was in good hands. I knew I couldn't care for him in the way he should be cared for and I can't lift him. 

Then we had to sit and wait for a room to become available.

I stayed for just over 6 hrs. A nurse came in with the doctor a bit later and said I looked exhausted was I feeling okay? Rick now drugged, jumps in and says, she needs to go home and take care of herself she just had major surgery. The doctor asked what I had done. He told me he was ordering me to go home. Rick was going to be taken care of. They promised me they would call me when he got a room and tell me where etc.

I came home and collapsed. I had a good old-fashioned meltdown and cried a big ole ugly cry. They did indeed call me and tell me where he was and they asked if I wanted to speak with him they would connect me. I spoke to him and he told me the drugs were helping and he told me to get some sleep (I had not slept in days) and I can see him in the morning. (this was all on the 4th of July) 

I got to the hospital today just after 7:30am. I wanted to be sure I caught the doctor.

He has been given a new drug for gout. (he takes allopurinol daily for gout) But this drug is given when you get it to speed up the length of time you have it apparently. He was also given steroids to help with the issue. He was able to move his toes and he hasn't been able to do that in 5 days.  He looked so much better too. The poor man is exhausted from the pain and this whole damn ordeal.  I don't blame him one bit.

OT and PT came in to see him today. They both work in the hospital as opposed to the WakeMed Rehab he was in. The OT person looked so familiar to me. She told us she workrf with him when he was in the Neuro ICU. She was blown away by how far he's come and praised him for his hard work. She did all kinds of testing and then said she would try to see if she could get him back into the rehab part of the hospital for a week or so while he is healing. PT got him to his feet and he took 8 steps all the while wincing and moaning. They got him back to bed.

He was seen while I was there by 2 drs, OT, PT, and nurses. When I walked in he told me his nurse was named Chi-Chi and she was really pretty and very very nice. Good, I'm tired of shitty nurses!! She had such a pretty accent. Rick thought she was from Jamaica but I said it had a different lilt. Finally, we asked. She was from Africa. She was a very tall woman, almost Rick's height. And boy could she whip his body around like a rag doll. It made me chuckle. What I'd do to be that tall and big.  5'1" me doesn't have a chance of whipping him around like that!

I came home early today. I left at 12:30ish. I came home, collapsed on the sofa and fell asleep immediately. I slept for a few hours. Then began to do things like take out the garbage for garbage day, laundry, and honestly I just didn't want to do anything. I am tired. I remind myself I am not being lazy but recuperating. I am still not quite right in the bathroom department but no more pain, just when I laugh, and I'm not doing a lot of that right now.

BUT,  my funny husband told the OT and PT guy and gal about Nunzio who was his PT in rehab who they know. Nunzio was telling me how and where to stand when Rick goes up the steps so that he doesn't fall on me because "he's a big dude and he's going to be heavy on top of you"  I said, "I know, he's been on top of me before"  Nunzio, Rick and I all laughed. 

I didn't wish to share this with 2 of these people who we have not known but for an hour. But of course, Rick is feeling a bit better from being drugged so he shares it. They howl with laughter. (thank God!)

Before the PT man left I ran to the bathroom. I came in and he said, "I asked your husband but I want to ask you, don't look at him. What do you think is the secret to 36 yrs together and all the love and laughter I see between you two?"

I said, "Humor and communication."

He said, "That is what he said!"  

There is no secret. Everybody had to do what works for them. 

All I know is the love of my life is in pain and broken. 

I want to fix him and make it all better.

Ugly turn

Things have taken a bad turn here. We are alive and that's all the positive I can muster right now.

I can't write for a while I'm assuming. I may get lucky at 2am or something. 

In the mean time I hope you enjoy your long holiday weekemd if in the U.S.

Quickie

Just a quick update.

I'm doing great, surgery-wise.

Rick is the just the same.

I am not writing today just sending you some memes and wishing you all a Happy 4th of July holiday weekend to my American readers. 

Rock Star

It's 330a here in my hospital room. Definitely is quiet at this time. Trouble sleeping. I so want to lay on my side, which is how I sleep normally but it's too painful.

I've had a nurse all week during the day that is a Rock Star nurse!  Her name is Sophia. She is da bomb.

Sophia is young, gorgeous and so kind. Patient, and smart. I enjoy when she stays a bit and chats with me. I always feel like I'm taking her time and she tells me this is also part of her nursing job. To know the patients is to also help them she tells me. Make them not feel so isolated when away from family.

No matter what is thrown at her she smiles and handles it. I just adore her.

And as my night nurse, Kim says, she's so pretty even after a 12 hr shift you want to hate her but she's too lovely to feel that way. 

I understood what she meant.

My night nurse wears a mask and her accent is so thick I am always asking her to repeat. But she's very nice as well. Just not like my rock star. She's nice and does her job but nothing extra.And she came in tonight when I was actually sleeping and says, "Peggy, Peggy, Peggy, do you want some tylenol?" Omg. I could hurt her. I was finally asleep.

When I had no food for days Sophia snuck in an Italian ice. Not food but something to eat. The next day I got some vanilla ice cream. Sure it's only 1/4-1/2 cup but it was food I could eat, not chew, but I can't being picky now can I?

Leaving in the a.m. I could have gone home yesterday, Friday. Rick and Laura came to visit and Rick was exhausted and looked it. He apologized and said he had to go home. Then of course the drs come in and tell me I can leave. I couldn't ask Rick to come back and Laura can't leave him alone. It is not close to home. So I asked if I could leave first thing in the morning. 

So there you go.

I walk like the evolution chart.

I finally can go home.

And if I never see this night nurse again I will be happy!!

Walking

I look like the evolution chart. Getting up is very painful as you can imagine with all this abdomenal surgery.

I start hunched over and slowly get upright.

This morning I'm hangry. I had a yogurt. No food since Monday.

How much broth can one ingest? I'm at my max I'll tell you that. I skip meals. I just can't drink broth 3x a day. 

They gave this yankee grits this a.m. No! Gross. I don't even eat Italian grits(polenta) I don't understand their appeal. Yuk!!

Rick and Laura are coming with some food for me.

Drs were to be here tthis morning. Hoping they say I can go home now. 

I have not slept for 24hrs. They gave me milk of magnesia and a stool stimulator. So I've gone since 2p and still going. It's pouring out of me. OK TMI.

I hope to go home and have a scrambled egg and a piece of gf toast. Mmmm...food.

That's all for today.

Fingers crossed dr shows up this a.m. and I'm homeward bound

__________

Update-

Laura and Rick left and then the doc came in and said I could go home. She can't leave Rick and come and I don't wish to drag him out again since he is so fatigued. So tomorrow morning I'm going home.

I got real food today so I feel better and I'm nicer now😃

From Hospital

 From my hospital room...

I have not eaten since Monday and I get a liquid meal. Oh yum.

All the inerds removed and my abdomen is in some real pain. But I just got drugs so hopefully that will help. 

They have me walking a lot!! Guess to get things flowing. 

And my husband is right, there is no sleeping or resting in a hospital. They come in all night for vitals, blood draw etc. 

I looked at my lunch menu and there is nothing I can eat. Hospitals suck. There are a million+ people who have celiac disease.  There is no cure or medicine. So my diet must be adhered to so I don't get really sick and in pain.  So no food for me.  I even ask the food department is the tomato soup was a can, if so you see I know there is wheat in it. She didn't know. WTh? So I will continue to not eat I guess. Sucks. 

 Ok you don't need me bitching.

I'm doing ok for first day after surgery they tell me. 

Oh and because I rescheduled my surgery due to the stroke I am at a little hospital  in a small town south of me called Smithfield (as in ham & bacon people) everyone is southern unlike Raleigh. All have heavy accents and this sweet woman was talking and I only got a few words. I feel so bad having to ask to repeat. I actually told her I was a Yankee who just moved here and is struggling with the accent. For some reason she found that hysterical (better than offended) she said, "thank you for saying that so nicely. I'll slow down for you. You're funny I'm gonna like you."

Now how was that funny? But hey whatever it takes right? I'm gonna learn southern if it kills me. 

Like, "I'm fixin' to git out of my chair and not cry in pain. "Tee hee

Talk to you all sooon

 

Sunday

I am about to head out to the airport to pick up my Angels.

I was with Rick all morning at the hospital. Last day of rehab. He is so excited to get home. He had speech, OT and PT today.  He likes the idea of a week off before he begins all this rehab stuff again.

He wants dunkable eggs, real bacon and a salad and fruit. 
These are the things he is craving. I brought him watermelon and canelope this morning. He was so happy!

Okay I will be prepping for my surgery which means the toilet. They clean you out, then tell you that you can't eat anything the day before then they tell you that you can't go home until you poop?  How do they think that will happen?

The worst part is if I am in the hospital they always feed me gluten then I get sick for two weeks. You'd think a hospital would understand the autoimmune diease, celiac wouldnt you? But never!

So I refuse to eat the crap they will bring to me. Laura and Rick will bring me food or I eat nothing. 

Here is todays' photo of my lopsided smiling man. He was given a t-shirt congratulating him on his day of independence. Tomorrow is 28 days he has been in the hospital. It's time for him to come home and thank God he is coming home.

Be back after my surgery guys. I really don't know what to expect. When asked they told me I'd be up walking within hours.Okay but when that nerve block wears off where will I be? Yeah, no one elaborates on that one!

See you soon.

Saturday

I am changing my blog name/url.

It has come to my attention that this is extremely necessary.  

So if you wish to continue reading me once I get the changes up and running I would like to ask you to send me an email with your request to continue reading me and I will send you the new domain. 

I will collect your emails to me and I will send it to all who request it. 

My email is on this blog site.

But I see from comments the link isn't working. 

So here ya go...mhugill@verizon.net 

Please state your name and city you are writing from. 

That will help me a great deal. 

In the meantime, I'm still right here. 😁

I will post here until after my surgery then a new blogger name / URL etc.

Thanks.

This above is something I've thought of but NEVER did. This made Rick laugh and asked if I changed my handle to Midge.