Girl Angst - Men Look Away

Okay, I've had boobs for a very long time.
But I am now learning things I never would have thought I needed or would be doing for my boobs! Like Chicken Cutlets.

First this wedding.....argh!!
I was asked to wear a particular color and while it is certainly not a color I would have chosen it could have been worse, like yellow or orange. 
So not bad really.
Second I will be ostracised at this damn thing by the bride's mother and family so I will remain in a corner quietly drinking. I had hoped to at least be a nice looking alcoholic in the corner. It appears this may be a stretch.

I hate shopping.
I have always hated shopping so shopping when I am forced to is even worse for me.
I would rather have a root canal without drugs than go clothes shopping.
I would rather iron, clean the toilets and walk through a room of bees naked.  Get it? I don't like to shop.

Off  I went to the big stores and the bridal shops for a "mother of the bride" type dress. Those all look like things my grandmother would wear. Then when you want something to cover your arms they give you a jacket made of brocade that looks like your great grandmother's sofa. Hideous. 

It has to be age appropriate for the occasion.
It has to be a bit formal for the type of evening wedding it is etc.

I tried on so many dresses this year it was probably more than I have ever tried on in my entire lifetime. (I only tried on 3 wedding dress for my own wedding.)
Dresses that were full length type gowns would just swallow me.
I am only 5'1". They were all so hideous where ever I shopped. 

So the last place I went to the woman brought me a dress that I never ever would have picked. It was street length. I liked that part of it. 
Okay I'll try it on I tell her but it's too young and I will look awful.  
Hah, it didn't look awful.  It fit, well except the top. We couldn't zip it around the boobs. As always.  So it was ordered in a larger size to accommodate the "girls" We knew we would have to alter the rest.

The dress has been hemmed, (twice) it has been taken in the waist, (twice) it has had extra fabric added and inserted around the bust. 
Then I had another fitting, still did not fit properly. The dress is strapless and it is too big across the top of the dress. It now fits oddly in the boobs too. So the woman tells me it's my strapless bra. She tells me what kind to buy. I take my new strapless back and start again.

I then spend the next 2 weeks looking for this certain bra. Impossible. I went to specialty bra stores all across the metro area. Who drives 20+ miles to go to a bra shop you ask? 
Why this dumb broad did. Who has to fork out over a $100 on a bra I will wear only once? You guessed it Evil Stepmommy here.

Then I tried all the big stores, Bloomingdale's, Macy, Nordstrom's etc. Nada. 
One was ordered and arrived from NYC and that one didn't work either.

I go back to the shop to be fitted again and tell her I can't find one.
She just got a new selection of bridal bras.  Exactly like this....

She insists I try on this above. (without garter) Viola. It fixed the issues with the dress on top.

But it still needs to be taken in at the very top. But here is the clincher....because there are no straps she tells me that my boobs needed a bit of support or lift shall we say, that normally your straps would provide.

So she comes into the dressing room with her very cold little hands and shoves chicken cutlets in the bottom of the cups. 

I shreik. Honestly, who does that without saying something at least?

(or buying me a drink)

She could have handed them to me and I could have put them in myself.

But no, this cute little Asian lady who laughs constantly just shoves her cold hands and cups my breasts like I have strangers do this every day. 

She sees I am uncomfortable and she says laughing all the while, "Oh I do this for all brides it's no big deal. Small ones or big ones you must have these for that style of dress. I told you and you no listen"

Now she says all of this as she is moving these cutlets around and fondling my breasts.

She acts like this is normal. This is not normal to me. 

Seriously they don't fondle you this much when you have a damn mammogram!

I finally grab her hands and tell her I think I've got this. 

She laughs yet again.

"Okay Okay, she says laughing, You embarrassed. No big deal.

I sew them in there for you so you don't have to fix them on day of wedding."

Of course, when I share this tidbit with Rick he laughs.

I remind him that if he was having his pants taken in and his tailor was fondling his balls with his cold hands for that long this wouldn't be as funny now, would it?

He laughs and tells me he would prefer warm hands. 

The Idiot!!

And then I retry the dress after she is done fondling me.

Damn!   The dress fits so much better.

The crazy little nut job was right all along.

She smiles and says, "See I right. I told you"

She is now very proud of herself.

Okay, she's right, but who would think I'd need cutlets? I thought those were to enhance/enlarge the bust size or give you cleavage and heaven knows I don't need or want that. I have cleavage with a turtleneck for God's sake.

The very top still needed to be taken in all around and the waist one more time.

But overall this made it work. Whew. She told me not to lose or gain any weight.

I just laughed.  I swear the day of the wedding I am eating a potato and will probably bust the seams of my damn dress. (I haven't had starch in months. I can't wait!)

I have one more damn fitting on Tuesday of next week. If it doesn't work I will wear a burlap sack and just be done with this.

Two weeks of this bra shit is 2 weeks too many for having to shop and stress about my damn boobs in this dress.

I swear the rest of the summer I will only wear flip-flops, t-shirts and shorts!

Perhaps even a burka.

Wisdom? Nah, just opinions.

A young person asked me the other day what wisdom I have being an old gal.
HA!
That got me thinking. Do I even have any wisdom being an older person?
I think most of the things I have learned are just opinions aren't they?

So not so much wisdom here sadly. Wish I had some, but I only have opinions.

I know that the guy you are so in love with with at age 23 may not be the man you want or more importantly need in your life at 33.
So getting married as a kid is just silly in this age of sex before marriage.
Your 20's should be figuring yourself out and starting your adult life.
True this is not always the case, there certainly are exceptions but the majority of the time it doesn't play out as one would hope.

Holding a grudge does nothing but hurt you. There is a saying that I never understood as a young person but as I aged I realized how so very true it was. Holding a grudge is like drinking poison hoping the other person will hurt or die. That grudge only affects you, never the one you want it to.  Besides they just don't give a shit so why should you?

Letting go of shit is something as I have aged that I can do more easily.
Is that wisdom or just beaten down?  Besides holding on to it is so toxic.
An example is that my parents did the best they could with the limited education they had and from where they came from. I can't hold them accountable for my life. I'm a grown up and I need to just pull up my big girl panties and get over it all and build my own life. Thankfully I got that pretty young compared to some 50 year old friends &  sister who still use the excuse for their issues that their parents did this to them.

I have learned that sometimes people like to be a victim and they live in that space. It's comfortable for them. They don't want to leave it. Leaving it is scary to them because they have lived it so long. So you either can deal with them or you move on because they can and will try to suck you in to their life of being a victim and they tend to like company there. 

I have learned that moving on or letting go of people in your life that are toxic, who make you feel badly, or that bring up things that make you uncomfortable are okay to let go of in your life. It's really okay. Doesn't mean they are bad people but they aren't good for you.

I have learned that living with guilt is always a bad decision.

I have learned that regrets are foolish. I happen to only regret things I have not done, I have no regrets about anything I have done. Even if that decision is something I would no more make for myself today. It is not a regret.
I was asked once if I regretted my first marriage. When I said no, their mouth dropped open and just starred at me. No, I thought i was in love. I learned a lot and my goodness he was a nice guy. I just shouldn't have married so damn young. So no I didn't regret it. It made me who I am and made me see and make better decisions for myself the 2nd time.

I have learned that karma does exist. I have seen it work. Or as my parents referred to it - "What comes around goes around"  My parents used that phrase when growing up telling us that if we treated people poorly it would come back to us and vice versa if you are kind. My parents were so right on this one and the older I get the more I see it play out. 

I have learned that people who worry so much about what others think would realize that they have wasted so much time because people aren't thinking about them all that much if at all.

I have learned that giving of your time, volunteering, and helping others ALWAYS gives you so much more than who you think you are helping.

I have learned that manners are not overrated.

I have learned that kindness will solve so many things and our society (and gov't) has lost site of what the hell kindness even is today.

I have learned that there are so many gray areas. Not all things are black or white, sometimes there is a gray.

I have learned that while technology has been great in our lifetime it has caused so much damage as well. And if only people could be open to that fact and work within it. To use technology along with face to face interaction would be incredibly strong for our society.

I have learned that you can't match wits with those that are unarmed so it's best to walk away. They can't hear you anyway.

I have learned that the bigger the lie the higher the voice.
Oh I worked with a woman who did this perfectly. I mentioned to someone we both worked with to really listen to her. when she was lying her voice would get higher.
Ex: "OH NO, THAT WASN'T WHAT I MEANT"
Yea, high pitch Barbara was lying out her ass.
Sometimes the end only goes up and gets higher but it's there.
Sometimes this woman only dogs could hear I swear. 
Pay attention to this, it will serve you well.
Men do it as well but that normally isn't their tell.

I have learned that people really do treat you the way you allow them to treat you.

I have learned that it is okay to say the word no to someone.
Saying no is not being mean, rude or any of those things.
Saying no to a request that you can't do, won't do, don't want to do, is just fine.
No explanations, just NO. A polite no is not rude.
It gets easier after each time you learn to say no. I didn't learn this until age 40.
It was freeing as all hell. Try it.

I have learned that if you can't talk to your partner about anything and everything without a fear of an argument or other issues then you have bigger issues that you need to address.

I have learned that people who say there are no nice men or spouses out there say this because of their issues, their lousy spouses and their lousy marriages. Because there are great people out there. And if you partner isn't giving you what you need AFTER you tell them then maybe it's time to move on.

I have learned that life is too short to be miserable all the time.

I learned early on that being alone is so damn okay and sometimes even great.

I have learned from all my years with negotiation training classes a great deal of tells from people. So you don't want to play poker with me.
When meeting people or sitting around chatting I see a lot more than my husband.
Of course I don't bring these things up I just sit and observe.
When shared with him later he is always surprised. And later when he finds I was correct it still floors him. I am thankful for all those years of training on this topic. It has served me well and I can weed out the BS and the jokers. The majority of the time they have no idea I'm on to them. For some strange reason I enjoy just listening to the bull and allowing them to think I'm buying it all.  I'm old I have to have fun in some way.

Friday Videos of the Week

Check out this young 14 yr old girl.
I was blown away by her cover of the infamous Eddie Van Halen guitar solo from Eruption.  I know it may be too much for some of you.  So if you wish to see her doing a more quiet piece or mellow like Adele, check out her on youtube. Tina S. is her name.



It's official, I will never find a talent.
Can't sing, dance, sew, play an instrument all that well, make anything - nada ,nothing.
No talent what so ever.  Maybe I need a tlelethon.

This girl has enough for us all.
 She has a lot of You Tube videos of all the great guitar covers she does.
She has some from 2008 when she was so young that are incredible.
Don't let this scare you - there is mellow music as well.

Seriously, I give up.
I'm good at nothing really.
And at the ripe old age of 57 I doubt I will find a new skill set now.

Oh wait, I'm great at drinking.
I'll go pour a glass of wine now.

And for my guy readers, here is Jennifer Aniston in hardly any clothes.
You're welcome. I understand it's a lot less clothes in the movie.
Again, you're welcome.

Thursday Rants

* I don't know much about golf, but this Sergio guy seems like an A1 asshole. wow.

* I have to stop telling people about these great shows I like because then they go off the air. Bomb Girls is da bomb. I think I am learning more history about that war than I ever did in school.  It also makes me understand more of the struggle my father talked about being an Italian American during that time. I used to think my dad was just full of it. Apparently not. I now have to apologize to him for that.

* I got a facebook page and I just think the whole thing is stupid. What am I missing?  I also see shit that my nieces write and it's vile. They are so young. Girls are mean and I am thankful I didn't have to deal with that shit when I was growing up. I see them in different ways. One so insecure i think most of what she says may be untrue to just impress other skanky girls. One more mature than I thought. It's all creepy and i don't want to know about it. Why if you are 'friends" with someone do I have to see their shit?  I want out.
Little do they know that they could lose a job opportunity because of this talk on their facebook.

* Speaking of social media - What good comes from twitter? Another place for low life mean people to spread their vile because they are cowards and can be anonymous. The only twitters I have ever enjoyed are the comedians. They crack me up....and Ali Wentworth.
God that woman is funny.

* Speaking of comedians I heard an interview with Lisa Lampenelli yesterday. 
If you are unaware of her she is considered a "comedian."  I, on the other hand have never found her to be funny at all.  She spews ugly comments and awful slurs but never funny.
I don't care for her so called humor. She got called out for using the N word from someone and she said, "they just don't understand humor or comedy"  How the hell is that humor?
She also used homosexual slurs and again said it was "humor" that people just don't understand how comedy works.
So I guess with that logic me calling her fat, ugly and unfunny then must be a rip roaring good laugh then.

* Why do women become invisible in their mid 40's and up but men aren't ignored?

* I have watched the Jodi Arias trial more than I care to admit. I also hate to admit how it is making me feel. Yea, dirty of course. But I have always been against the death penalty. She's making me rethink that every once in awhile.  Yesterday she was laughing and giggling in court.  She is so narcisstic she makes some of the self absorbed women I know look like Mother Teresa.
Yes, she did commit one of the most cold blooded, premeditated heinous crime but should she get death? I have always said no. But this woman takes the cake and she has actually made me think....possibly?!  I hate that I am thinking that way. It goes against everything I believe in. I want her to get life without parole. No parole for this sicko.  But the fact that I understand how they could give her the death penalty makes me sick to my stomach.
What is happening to me?

My Favorite CoverGirl Spokesmodel.

Final Review

Last night was the show's final episode.
I cried.  Rick cried. We were a bit surprised by that actually.
I mean we knew she had cancer. The show was called The Big C for pete's sake.
You knew it was terminal cancer from the beginning.
The show never shied away from reality, the ugliness as well as the humor of the disease. And yes there are humorous moments.  Family alone was a damn hoot.

It was shared that there would be an ending and not be a show that went on and on with a main character with terminal cancer.  It was reality....to a point. 
But watching the last episode there were so many beautiful moments that were tugging at my heart.  Man I was a blubbering mess.

I have told you all before that I just adored this television show.
The acting was superb.
I don't think Laura Linney has been any finer in any movie, play or television show.
Each character was so defined and quirky just like real life.
If you have netflix or whatever place you get your TV shows - check this one out.
It is so worth it.  Showtime over the last few years in my opinion has surpasses HBO in quality TV.

And no I didn't ruin the ride for you now that you know the end because it is about a woman with terminal cancer from the beginning. The ride is what makes it an interesting show.
This was in my top 5 shows of all time.

I always admired Laura Linney but I have LOVED Oliver Platt in everything I had seen him in. That is what drew me to the show to begin with. 
He was a shitty husband for a good amount of the show, but he had his moments.
But as only Oliver can do for me, you love him even when he is a shit head. 
He was in another series on Showtime that I really liked called, Huff.
He was a complete ass in that one but again, he is lovable and you root for him for some unknown reason.  No speaking of being an ass Brian Dennahy played a real prick in this show. Holy shit he plays a prick of a father oh so well.

The son, foster daughter, and my favorite, her tortured and mentally unstable brother were a stellar cast.  Her brother is played by John Benjamin Hickey. I have not seen him in anything before but I thought he played a terrifically flawed character.

  The shows view of death, chemo, health care, hospice were enlightening to me.
Not necessarily in a good way. But that too is not going to be a surprise to anyone who has been ill before. We in America have horrible health care options and boy this is never more evident than when they kick her out of hospice because insurance only pays for 4 months.
This 4 month situation wasn't just her insurance but standard care across the board.
Interestingly the fact that the majority of hospice facilities are insurance based so even with the offering of money they won't/can't take it.
Instead during this difficult time they kick you to the curb.
Unless as they told her she passes by Friday. Who knew right?
You can go home to die with hospice care but this character didn't want to die at home and make her child and husband hate their home. She wanted to leave their home as their happy place. I got that. It was moving. But they still kicked her out. 

Being asked to leave hospice while dying seems so cruel to me.
That had us talking for a good long while after the show about all of these things and how we would want this to play out for ourselves.  What do you think you would do, feel, or say if being kicked out of hospice?  I imagine knowing you have terminal anything would have several layers of emotions and feeling that would run the gamut.  But I think that situation would only add to the grief, depression and anger of it all.

So while this sounds like a downer of a show it is not.
It is funny as hell, it is sick and twisted just like I enjoy, and the last 4 episodes are moving.

Make some popcorn, get yourself this box set or whatever you do on Netflix and watch this show. 
You'll thank me.

Ouch! My head hurts.

Friday Rick got the day off, unbeknownst to him until that morning.
I also made an appointment for him to get a massage that afternoon.
You don't know Rick so you don't realize what a fabulous gift that is to him.
To Rick the only thing better than a 90 minute massage for his aging sore muscles is sex. 
No, not sex with the massage therapist, no happy ending,  just a deep tissue massage.
(get your minds out of the gutter)

So while Izzy was playing with her BFF's at day care and I was working Rick had a wonderful day of relaxation.

The rest of the day was up for grabs and all his choices.
After work we went to one of our favorite wineries and had a glass of wine, chatted with some friendly fun folks and listened to some music.
We then headed over to dinner.

We have a new restaurant that opened in our development a few months ago.
It's a seafood restaurant. I hate seafood so this was perfect for him
The restaurant is called Fords Seafood Shack.
My birthday choice would be a vat of chocolate.
But not Rick, he prefers sustenance as he likes to say.

The place didn't take reservations and it was crazy crowded.
We bellied up to the bar and had a great margarita while we waited to be seated.
Oh my goodness it was a great margarita!
First mistake - tequila with wine.
No, no, no!

Dinner in these places are not so much fun for me but I assumed there would be some kind of meat or chicken or salad or something.
But scant choices for someone who does not eat seafood.
My choices were an enormous steak like Fred Flinstone would have or a salad.
Most limited menu I have ever encountered in fact. Oh well, it wasn't about me.
Just have another margarita Peg with your chicken caesar salad.
Thank you, don't mind if I do!

Rick ordered a few things and it made us laugh when they arrived at the table.
These were to be small appetizers and they were enough for the whole damn table of 4 if there had been 4 people at our table.
He moaned with each bite from each plate. He was hysterical.
He really enjoyed something called Angry Mussels.
I tasted the sauce because for the 4,000th time he insisted I tried this mussel, garlic, tomato creamy sauce. I did. It was gross to me.
I chugged some of my margarita.
Not a smart choice.

So as he sat eating an array of different plates of food I figured, have another margarita Peg.
I mean I didn't want to just sit and watch him eat.
I'd have gotten dessert but that too was extremely limited.
They only had one dessert and it was strawberry shortcake.
Can't eat big bad gluten in shortcake so nothing for me. Bring on the margarita!

I used to be able to drink Rick under the table. Not so anymore unless gin or wine.
This not drinking for months at a time has made me a wuss. I don't recall coming home.
At 2:30 am I awoke to a pounding headache.
I came downstairs and inhaled 4 ibupropens and water.
I laid on the sofa and cursed at myself. I haven't felt like this in years.
Why oh why did I do this? What an immature jerk. 
An immature light weight wuss no less.

I should have eaten more that day.
I had a chicken caesar salad for dinner and a hard boiled egg for breakfast for the whole day.
'Dumb ole Margaret' to quote Dennis the Menance.

I couldn't get back to sleep. I felt horrible. I paced around the house.
I couldn't get comfortable. I felt like shit, did I mention?
I tried to read but it hurt.
My God I wanted to sleep.
Izzy wasn't here to wake us at 5am I could sleep today.
Damn, damn, damn, I want to sleep!

I turned on the TV and watched mindless shit in the dark.
At daylight (5:30a) my coffee maker came on. I heard it and saw the glow of the light.
That prompted me to get up and make a cup of coffee.
What the hell I'm obviously not going to be sleeping.
I grabbed my big mug in hand and walked to my front window to scope out the neighborhood.
I saw that Rick had done a great job of parallel parking in front of our home.
In fact I was quite impressed by this since I don't recall coming home.

When Rick woke up I pointed out his great parking job.
He laughed and said, "how do you know I didn't drive over the curb first since you don't remember the short ride home."
I thought about that for a minute and laughed. "Good point. Did you really?"
"No, he said,  but watching you think about that was fun."
Idiot. 

Rick wasn't hurting.
He should have been. 
But then he ate enough food for a small family and I'm sure that absorbed his margarita's and wine.  Or maybe it was the birthday Gods making him feel okay.
But then I remember he is now older than me and that made me feel better.

They're Leaving Me

It's me, Izzy, again.
...And if she doesn't get that damn camera out of my face I may bite her.
Seriously. I am not gonna look at her, nope, I refuse. Can't make me. No way.
Dad, I am staring a hole through you look at me, over here, look at me.
DAAAAD....Now take that thing away from her.
I'd do it if I had thumbs damn it!  

My goodness she is annoying and she wonders why I like Dad better.
He doesn't love on me like her, or feed me, or play with me as much but he also doesn't annoy me to pieces either. Aargh.

The crazy old bat doesn't think I heard her this morning talking but I did.
I'm trying very hard to not act excited but it's difficult.
I heard the words, Doggy Day Care.
Oh how I love those words.

I am feeling better since they stopped my medicine.
(yea, yea, so that was her idea I still like him better)
I am running after the ball and playing with my neighborhood buddies a lot.
She even took me to the kids park yesterday so I could sit on the wall and have all the little ones loving on me. Ooh I love that. I can sit on this wall and watch all the cars go by, the kids love me to pieces and I am just the damn princess of the block. It's a cool place to hang out.

Me and Dad are dealing with hay fever and Mom thinks it's funny.
Look at the crud in my eyes.
Yea, she's annoying about that too. She is always cleaning them.
She hated it when her mother would lick her Kleenex and wipe shit off her face so why does she do it to me?  Honestly this woman.
You see all this pollen is making Dad and I both sneeze. We sneezed at the exact same time and the same amount of times, 3 in a row, after we returned home from a walk.
Mom found this so very funny.
It's not, just so you know.  Do I look like I'm laughing?

I don't normally go to daycare on Fridays so I'm not 100% sure what is up.

I think I am even spending the night because I saw mom put my food in little baggies.  

Mom has something up her sleeve for Dad's birthday and I think they want to be alone or not have to worry about heading home quickly to let me out.  Whatever. 

I love going there and as long as they come back to get me in the morning I am okay with it all.

This is me at doggy day care. I love to sit up here with my ball.

My favorite human playmate at day care, Missy, told on me.

She told mom that they can set a clock by me because at 3pm every single time I am there I grab that ball and just go to the top of this slide. I sit there holding court.

I'm  just tired of running non stop and I'll just go up there and oversee everyone else play.

I have to run now. You see I'm going to go sit by the door now and drive them crazy.

I know if I'm going to daycare I'm going out the front door so if I sit there long enough they'll give in and just take me.  And people think "I'm just a dog"  HA!

Hump Day Ramblings

**Let's start with Mother's Day.
Every where I went people were saying, "Happy Mothers Day" to me.
When did this become universal like "Happy Holidays"?
I am not a mom and so it's so weird to have this thrown at me.
At first my reaction was to say, "I'm not a mom" 
But I know they mean well so I smile and take it. But I hate it. I really hate it.
Now I understand how those that don't celebrate "the holidays"  must feel.
It's awkward and uncomfortable and just because I'm a woman why would you just say that? What if I was a woman who so wanted children but couldn't have them?
That would be a devasting thing to say to a stranger.
It's just weird that everyone was saying this to me on Saturday and Sunday no matter where I went. (including home depot) It actually became creepy to me.

I did laugh though when I picked Izzy up from her day care and they gave me a rose that said Happy Mothers Day from Izzy on the card. Now that I guess I could get behind.

**Speaking of Miss Izzy. Monday night was so bad. Rick and I just couldn't take it anymore. Seeing her like this was killing us and we just felt this was not being helped with medication. We made the decision to stop her medication and see if she would be able to "come back to us"  We were beginning to think she was in a medication fog as well as being sick.

Tuesday morning she was more herself and inhaled her breakfast. Great sign!
Tuesday night she was a ball of energy and we threw the ball for an hour after work and walked a great deal. In fact she walked with me in the afternoon like the old days for a full hour at lunch. She drove us crazy bringing us her toys and balls Tuesday night while we were trying to watch television and that made us so damn happy.
Was the medicine making her worse? We were to continue until the 19th.
It just seems that our experiment worked. I am happy we took her off the medication.
We have a call into the vet so we'll see where we are at this stage in regards to the Lyme.

**Everyone is talking about Angelina Jolie. 
Okay like a zillion of women she has the gene for breast cancer. 
Yesterday while walking Izzy there were two women and their dogs that I see daily.
We chat and let the dogs run and play and wrestle for awhile.
They were talking about Angie removing her breasts and soon her ovaries.
They both agreed they would do this.  I was the only one who said no, it's not for me.
They were in shock. But here is my theory, this is not for everyone and if you want to then by all means go for it. It's just not a choice I would make...at least I really don't think so.

First of all the blood test to find this gene is $3000 and up they say.
It is not covered by insurance.
If you have this blood test you better damn well know what you are going to do with this information. Remove things? or live with this information just so you know?
My mother and her sister had breast cancer and died.
My mothers cancer went to her ovaries and uterus.
Knowing this I realize I am in a very high percentile of getting all this horrific shit.  

So what would I do knowing I have this gene?
If I don't want to remove my organs and breasts what do I do with that information aside from constant fretting?  Yes, that is what I'd do, I would fret 24/7.  
I know that is not a way that I want to live. 
I would always be thinking, am I dying? When is the shoe going to drop?

Then would I have all my female organs and breasts removed like Angelina to avoid that thinking?  I don't think so. I am not sure I could go to that extreme either.
Even if I could afford the $50K and up, insurance will not pay for  preventative surgery of removing your organs and or breasts.
My luck I'd gut myself like a fish and then get liver cancer or another cancer so all that was for nothing. On a silly note that Rick pointed out, poor Brad and Angie and kids, she will be going into instant menopause. "That's a fun ride",  experienced Rick proclaimed.

The privilege have options and good for them. I do not begrudge them for their options.
I just think to tell us all that she is sharing this information so that she can make all women aware of their options is a bit ludicris. Really? How many people can fork out this kind of care out of pocket?  If you did choose to have the gene blood work wouldn't your doctor tell you these choices as part of your options after you get the information?


Everyone is calling her a hero but I just don't see it like that.
She is able to make choices that most can not make. Good for her and I am happy for her.
But a hero? A HERO?  I think we throw that word around too cavalierly of late.
She's doing what she feels is best for she and her family period. If that makes a hero my parents are big time heros then.

 You see for me even if I knew I had that gene and I was filthy rich, I just don't think I would do all this.  I want to say it's great that we here in America can do whatever we choose to do but can we really?  Can the average person do this if they wanted to?  I'm sure there is a large group of women who wish they could live longer for their children and family.
They just can't afford to do any of it.  
Me? I just don't think these are good options for me. Me alone.
Good for Angie though.

While I wouldn't make the same choice I'd sure as hell have my boobs made smaller or at the very least lifted though!!  Sadly that too is out of pocket damn it. Got an extra 30K? 
I've seen a doctor about this and a reduction is sure expensive and a longer recovery than you would think.
Should I put a donation link on my facebook like everyone does these days? 
Wanna help me get itty bitty titties?
I'm no hero but you could be after you help me. Just a thought.

See Me, Hear Me.......

"Huh? What did you say? "

"What? I don't see that, where?"

"Can you turn up the TV please, I can't hear what they are saying."
"Can you rewind that so I can hear what they just said?"

"No, I can't look at that right now. Let me get my glasses."
"You need me to take a picture right now? Okay, let me find my glasses."

Yes, this is my life these days.
You all know about my hearing.
Now I can't see for shit either.
It is all happening so rapidly, or so it seems.

I took Izzy for a walk today.
I brought my camera along.
I was wearing my sun glasses.
My bifocals were left on my desk.

I took her photo and was having a hard time seeing her clearly.
I moved the dial until I thought it was in focus but I wasn't sure.
I came home and grabbed my glasses and looked at the photo.
Blurry!
Now wouldn't that have been a good photo if I could have seen well enough to focus?

Next stop Braille, I just know it.

Guest Blogger

Hi!  It's me Izzy here today.

My mom let me take over the blog today.
She's been very sad with me being so sick.
I'm not thrilled either but she's not dealing well watching me unable to snap out of this Lyme disease fog. I just can't seem to shake this damn Lyme. 
I am taking so many pills that they think I don't see in my food.
Who they fooling? Not me! 
But sometimes they are hidden in the pumpkin puree mixed with my food and that makes them taste much better.  I let them think I don't notice.
I think the pills may be making everything taste funny too.

My food doesn't taste good to me anymore.
I know what you're thinking, I'm a Labrador I will eat anything.
I know it saddens me too, but it all tastes awful to me.
Even my favorite things like the green beans they gave me for a diet. 
My regular food was so awful I literally spit it out and wouldn't eat it. 
They bought me new food and it's okay so far.

Chasing that ball with my Dad at night is my favorite thing in the world next to swimming. Every day after work we play Chuckit! but now it just makes my joints hurt so much.
I used to do this for a solid hour at the very least every day.
Now a couple of throws and I need to sit or lay.
I prefer to just sit on the stoop and watch the world go by.
This makes my mom especially sad. She gives me big sad human eyes and to make her feel better I'll give her some lovin'.
But you know I prefer to love on Dad....oh yea he's my main man!

We took a walk yesterday that was kind of fun.
You see during the day with my mom I keep sticking my nose in this shrub at the end of a persons driveway and then I look up at my mom.
But she never falls for it, she asks me what I see in there but she assumes that like the last time, it is just a nest of little birds.
I keep sticking my head in and damn, she just won't look inside.
I really want her to see this, it's not little birds.

But you see I figured if Dad came with us he'd look and see what I was seeing.
I wanted them to see this, it was pretty cool. 
Since they normally follow me on the walk I was going to lead them there.
When we get to the big ole shrub my mom points to it and tells Dad how I stick my whole head in there all the time.
I stuck my head in just as Dad pulled back the shrub and stuck his face full on in it.
The big ole duck that I look at all the time came flying out of the shrub and the ducks wings hit Dad's face.  Oh my goodness!
I think Dad may have soiled his pants. And he jumped and shrieked like a little girl! 
That too was was pretty damn funny.

Mom couldn't get her cell phone camera out fast enough, something about not being able to see the screen due to the sun or some such thing.  I personally think that was her "cover" comment she was laughing so hard at my Dad.
At least Dad got to see what I have been seeing.  A big duck sitting on her nest. 
Pretty cool huh? 

The kids playing baseball across the street all laughed at Rick.
Then they came over to see the shrub and the nest. They didn't know it exsisted.
The one smallest boy looked at Rick and said, "I think I'd have jumped too if that duck had  touched my face like that! That was scary. " 
Of course that made Mom really laughed - An 8 year old trying to make my Dad feel better about jumping and shrieking.

It was a pretty good day!

I Just Had To.....

I know 2 posts in a day, but you see after we saw this sign this morning I had to share with you.  I'm that juvenile.

This place is called Cox Farms.
They sell beautiful flowers, plants, pumpkins in fall etc.
Rick drove by on his way to work today and he saw this sign and had to take a picture to send me.  And you know me, of course I found it hysterical.

Do you think they realized what they were saying?
Or is this an Oops?
I have a feeling there will be some conservative nut job who will make a fuss and the sign will be down later today. But in the mean time it makes me smile. I know it made Ricks day while sitting in a long line of traffic waiting to get through the intersection.

Walking

They say you get the parents you're supposed to have.
To learn the lessons you have to learn.
When an adoption takes place many parents say they received the children they were meant to have.

I believe that.
But what the hell should I be learning from my parents or what lessons will my parents get from me?

My father is (was?) a bigot ,all though less now than when I was a kid that is for sure.
Can you sort of be one? Kind of like being sort of pregnant huh? 
Is that why I went the other way and can open my mind more than he can?
Was that the lesson that I was to learn? To not be like him in this regard?
Seeing him or hearing him say things made me cringe as a small child.
I knew even then it was all kinds of wrong.
I never wanted to spew that type of hate.  So I didn't, wouldn't and couldn't!
But then my father changed. 
Having bi-racial grandchildren and son in law opened his eyes.
Now he is a new (ish) man. Now he says things that could make us fall off our chairs, he at times is so different. Not 100% there, but at 85 yrs old it's as close as we're going to get.
I love that he has learned so much and opened his heart and mind.
Was that the lesson he was given to learn from one of his children?

My mom was strong. She also was a woman born before her time.
She wanted so much more than she was allowed to have.
I saw how that ate at her, especially education.
Is that why I always wanted more?
Was that what I was to see and learn from her?

But there were things that I didn't get from my parents that I needed too.
Was that a lesson for me to grow strong and independent and learn to not harbor those feeling about them? Or was that their lesson and they failed?
Everyone of us on our walk had a different opinons on that.
Some thought we would come back until we got it right. (reincarnation)

Oh how we had some good discussions about this on our walk the other day.
I have joined a group of women in the area and we walk these trails for quite a few miles.
It was a fascinating conversation and one I don't know the answers to.
But we had some fun thinking about them.

It started from an adoption and went from there.
Oh we had some giggles too because really my first thought was, What the hell could my father have been given to me for?  To NEVER marry an Italian man? (never would even date one because of him!)
Someone said their mother was given to them so they could learn patience.
Another said so that she could learn how to control her impulse not to strangle people who get on her last nerve.  Oh yea, we had some good chuckles along the way with some serious stuff in between. I think I am going to love these walks with these ladies.
Excercise and giggles. Not bad at all.

Documentaries

Rick and I watch a lot of documentaries.
HBO does some great documentaries.
The one we watched most recently was How To Die In Oregon. I recommend it.

Izzy continues to have some issues due to her Lyme disease and we were all up at 4am again with her.  Izzy finally fell back to sleep downstairs on her favorite chair.
Her human parents were now wide awake and walking around the house grumbling.

I turned on the television and it was already on HBO and this doc came on as I made coffee.
It seemed interesting so instead of the news we kept this on.
We sat down with our mugs of coffee and began to watch this but really thinking we would just fall back to sleep on the sofa. Instead we got sucked in....big time.
There were moments that moved us both to the point of tears.
Rick took off his glasses and wiped his eyes and said, "Yep, everyone needs a good cry to start off the day. Damn!"

This documentary shows the right to die with dignity law that has passed in both Oregon and Washington state. It was so moving, so thought provoking as well as things that made you scratch your head.

There were several stories of people dealing with this issue who's stories all played out differently.
There was a man who was dying of prostate cancer. His insurance company refused to pay for any more treatment for him because he was deemed terminal and the doctors said he wouldn't live either way. So instead of allowing this man to choose his own course of action regarding his health care they told him they would no longer pay for him to sustain his life. The insurance company would however pay for the prescription to take his life.
He was livid that the insurance company would make this choice for him.
How couldn't you be livid about someone else deciding how you are to live your own life?

No matter which side of the fence you fall on in this situation I believe it is just not right to tell someone how to live their life. Who has the right to do that?
No one should be denied the right to live as long as they can live or to die if they can't take the pain anymore. Either way it is not my life therefore I will not choose to make that decision for someone else unless my loved one has given me that burden.

We don't allow animals a choice.  If I knew Izzy was in excruciating pain we would probably make the dreadful choice to put her down. But poor Izzy doesn't get a say. She may prefer to hang in there to be with Rick as long as she can because she is so obsessed with him.
But we don't want to see her suffer so we take away her pain and suffering.

We allow humans to languish in pain and suffering and we tell them what we think is best for them. It is their life shouldn't they decide? If you wish to hang around for a long time as a terminal patient in excruciating pain it is your prerogative to do so.  Everyone should just be allowed the dignity to live their own life the best way they see fit for themselves. No one should be allowed to tell me how to live my life the best way I see fit, or end it, if the case may be.

We allow children to die because their parents believe in what most of us think are crazy religious rules that won't allow them to get treatment. Then why can't we allow adults to do what they wish with their own bodies and life?

The main woman in this documentary was brave. She had  such a beautiful spirit. I could only wish to be that strong, dignified and brave during such a horrific disease as she carried herself. 

You think you know what you would choose to do but when it gets to that time you may change your mind because things aren't as you thought they'd be.
She kept the prescription in her nightstand. She didn't think she'd need it.
It was a truly heartfelt and fascinating journey to witness.

Cleveland Happenings

Have you seen the gentleman that saved the kidnapped Amanda Berry and the rest of the girls who were held hostage in Cleveland?  Charles Ramsey is a damn hoot of a character.
Most of the things I've seen have been edited. However this morning on Good Morning America they showed the whole clip.  It not only made Rick and I crack up laughing but it made all the anchors on GMA laugh out loud too.
'I knew something was wrong when a pretty little white girl came running into the arms of a black man  Somethin's wrong, somethin's wrong.'
(NPR really played up that topic today)

He stated that he thought this was a case of domestic violence while trying to help her open the locked door. Then when she called 911 and he heard her say her name he said, "I thought Amanda Berry was dead"     Wow. What a crazy situation.
I love the fact that these 3, now women, have been found alive. 

Part of me thinks after 10 years of captivity and the unthinkable horrors that took place in that home how can you walk out of that house normal? The one girl was only 14 when she was kidnapped. She is still a damn kid at 24.
And let us not forget the child that was born in captivity.
That is a whole lot of counseling.

I do hope they hang this guy by the nuts.
In our society only celebrities and pretty white women get away with murder and assorted crimes. I don't think they will be soft on this dude, thankfully.

If the jurors of the Jodi Arias case let this nut job off the hook then there really is no justice in our country anymore. Seriously this woman is a full fledged nut job manipulating murderer. But then again so was Casey Anthony.
Then there are all the celebrities who get away with murder, breaking laws and who receive special treatment like the infamous OJ, Lindsay Lohan etc.
Lindsay has run over people, hits car after car, all the while high, drunk or both.
She seems to still be able to drive and has not lost her license or insurance.
I hit a car in the parking lot of Costco and my insurance goes through the roof.
I sit up high in a SUV, he was in a small low sports car that i didn't see in my side or rear view mirror. Thankfully I was moving ever so slowly.  I had no damage to my vehicle at all and he received a small dent in the front of his car. I would have probably lost my damn insurance and license had it been a really big and expensive accident like Lohan has had. Sadly I am not a drug ho with money so I get no special treatment.

While 'we' are speaking about current events there is another one that really fries my ass.
The 14 years old who didn't like the referee's call at his soccer game so he punched the referee and the ref died. A guy who volunteers his time and probably doesn't get paid a lick to ref a kids soccer game to boot.

Now for the last 20 yrs or so I have been screaming from the roof tops that giving a kid a trophy, a ribbon or a friggin' parade just because they were playing is all kinds of wrong.
These are the kids that grow up and think they are entitled to win, to get things for nothing, or don't deserve a bad call from a referee.
If you don't learn how to lose early it will not help you in any way as you grow.
In fact you won't grow period. You may age but you aren't growing.
Learning how to lose graciously helps you when you lose out to that nit wit at work who got the promotion after you did all the work. It teaches you how to suck it up and move on. Graciously, you would hope.
It teaches you how to play and get along with people.
That skill will help you as an adult every damn day in many ways.

You can't hide pain, loss, death, disappointment from your child's life.
Unfortunately it will happen. Isn't it better to give them coping skills?
They will know that you will always be there for them and give them a soft place to fall .
But they still need to learn how to cope. 
We aren't who we are by what happens to us but how we choose to deal with what happens to us.  I believe that so strongly.

UPDATE: The great man who saved the kidnapped girls, Charles Ramsey, is one cool dude. He was offered a check and he said, "Give the reward check to the girls, I got a job"
I love this man. Straight up solid man.

My hatred for WP grows

I went into my office this morning early so I could look at my Google Reader  before work and it was gone. Am I the only one?  Then it came back and now it's gone again. aargh!

So blogger friends if I don't get to your blog, you'll know why.
How I hate blogger. If it's not broke why change it? WHY?

But I hate Wordpress more.  I know hard to believe.
At last count I have had 15 passwords for WP. 15!
I have taken to writing them down on a form I have to remember them so that the people who have left blogger I can visit and also know my password.

I found out Wordpress hated me more than Blogger when I had to sign in to comment. 
I put in my password and they told me it was wrong.
I look at my password list and sure enough that was correct.
No caps were on. I am typing it correctly and then BAM!  I am shut out for too many tries. So I reset my password.  I write down new password.  I try again on another blogger who has gone to wordpress. It tells me it is not the correct password.  I then swear like a sailor and say @*#% - it   I am not going to comment anymore on this damn wordpress. 

This has been done over the course of months, after rebooting computer, different days etc. Nothing ever works.

Then last week Lizbeth had the funniest damn post.
My husband and I were howling with laughter....albeit at her expense.
But we had a good laugh. But I couldn't tell her that because of the damn password.
I fiddled with that damn thing for 20 minutes.
At one point my husband insisted it must be me so he asked to try it.
Then of course it was wordpress's fault because it didn't work. 
He was livid.  I laughed.
"Ah, you must be doing something wrong," I say to him with venom.
I HATE when he says that shit to me like I'm an idiot.
I was thrilled to see he couldn't get it either - although it would make life easier if we couldn't get it because I am an idiot and it's not wordpress.
He tried everything I have tried and then he got up and walked away frustrated.

This morning I tried to comment on someones WP blog and got so angry I thought if I have to do this again F-it I will never ever go to WP again.

Well WP apparently heard my anger and took it that time.
They didn't even tell me that my password was too weak, too lame, too silly or any of the bullshit they will tell me until I make it something like this QbXkL49R7, you know like you'll remember that one.

Well that was enough anger for a Monday morning.
I think I'll go deal with ugly cranky customers now, it may be a treat after WP.

The Queen of Everything.

Shouldn't I have heard of the singer who beat the Beatles chart record?
Her name is Emeli Sande. Never heard of her. Because I am old? Probably.
Have any of you heard of her?  I wonder if in 40+ years her generation will remember her and she will be a musical icon like The Beatles?

I speak with a lot of doctors of the MD kind for work.
They never ever introduce themselves as Dr. So and So.
I find out they are doctors in other ways. Today it was because I had to call the customer regarding his appointment time. It was his office and they answered the phone by the name of the doctor. (He called himself Arthur to me) We were unable to change his appointment due to him seeing patients so now I knew he was a medical doctor.

But my goodness if this person had been a doctor of academia I would hear nothing but doctor, doctor, doctor. I called a female once by her name and I got lambasted and was told she was DR. xyz.  She said DR. loudly and often. She was not a physician.
This strange little occurance has happened several times over the last few years at work.

Why do medical professionals not refer to themselves as doctors by my goodness those in academia will only refer to themselves as such.  Insecurity?  Someone told me they worked hard for that title and they deserved the respect. Okay, good point taken.
But hasn't a medical doctor done the same? Not once in all my years here has a medical doctor said they were a doctor. I find out in other ways. So why is that? What's your guess? Dr. Biden comes to mind here. Although that could just be a rumor that has spread around these parts but I don't doubt it could hold some truth from what I have seen and heard from those types. It is fascinating and I would love to know the difference in their minds.

From now on I have decided that I wish to bestow a new title for myself as well. 
I want to be called The Queen of Everything.
Go on, try it, roll it over your tongue. I am that important damn it.
I've earned it. I spent many years in school and many more paying it off.
So show some respect and refer to me as The Queen of Everything.
I will answer to that.
Maybe the Princess of Quite a Lot is a good name as well .....no, The Queen of Everything has a better ring to it don'tcha think?

The Queen of Everything is also immature.
I find lately that I relate more to people 15 years or more younger than me than I do people 3 years older than me. Why is that? I am chalking it up to immaturity on my part because for the life of me I can't figure out why that is. When I meet women closer in age to me I find them so old.  We have nothing in common. Rick has expressed the same concern to me so it's a good thing that we two immature kids found each other.  But it does bother me. 
Ah what the hell, at least I am the Queen of Everything.  I know you wish you were.

In Reverse

Have you seen this?
This video was submitted in a contest by a 20-year old.
The contest was titled "u @ 50" by AARP.
If you read along with her you can see that it is the exact in reverse.
I thought that was a palindrome but was told it was not....ah, close enough for me .