I'm probably going to turn off comments. Last time I was vulnerable, so many were mean, snarky, and/or gave me a lecture. I learned not to do that again.
This is supposed to be my safe space. It is my space, my opinions, my feelings, etc.
You don't have to come here if I bother you.
It has been a tough 3-year battle here.
After Ricks' stroke, it was like he died and came back another man.
I am thrilled he is doing so well, but it isn't easy.
Now, before you scream at your computer, I realize this is not about me; he had the stroke. But if I am being honest, it affects me greatly too.
Rick was my partner in every sense of the word. He was my cheerleader.
He adored me and I knew it. He was funny. He was thoughtful, kind and empathetic. I loved seeing his love in his eyes. I was a lucky woman.
After the stroke, Rick's world was changed, as was mine.
He was still funny, but not very often. He got angry quickly. He would have these major anger fits. They scared me.
He didn't look at me the same way.
He was no longer thoughtful and sometimes mean.
There were evenings when I would just sit and cry. I missed my partner so damn much. The laughter that was missing was loud. No more walking by me and grabbing me to dance in the kitchen. Or just to fondle as he loves to do.
When we would sit and watch TV, I would say something, and he would not answer. Absolutely no banter or discussion. Then he would look at me and stare. His eyes were vacant and black. I missed those blue eyes so much. This went on for 2 yrs. I cried for 2 yrs daily. I missed him terribly. No laughter, banter or the feeling of being loved and safe anymore.
I told a family member that if you came to visit, you'd not notice the drastic changes. But if you spend a few days, you'd see the changes. This person said to me, "he is probably faking it." WTF? I could have screamed. I didn't.
I just don't share anymore. I just say, he's doing fine. Because overall, he is, I suppose. He is alive, and I am thankful for that. He is just a very different man is all. And I need to learn how to deal with all of this.
This is year 3. It's better. I spoke to his doctor about the anger issue. They got him on medication, which has been so helpful!. He is funny again, and he is paying attention to me, for lack of a better way of saying it, not in the same way, but this is his new way. He still has issues when I speak to him to get a reply right away.
He knows most of his deficits, but he doesn't see them all. The doctor keeps telling me he doesn't know what he doesn't know. Oh, I see that.
He frustrates the hell out of me. But there is nothing I can do.
I didn't have children. This is my 12 year old boy.
I can't say anything because what is the point? He can't help this.
I must learn to deal with this somehow. This is my issue, I know that.
I feel like I am carrying the weight of the world most days.
I know I'm not, but it's how I feel.
Add the fact that I must now do everything on my own in a house I didn't want to begin with, and I feel overwhelmed every day. He took the trash to the curb and fell. Talk about making me feel guilty. He said he could so I let him. Oops.
Also adding the stress of the fact that we are headed to WWIII due to the orange pedo sure doesn't help.
Rick can't work on the lathe anymore. He does miss his hobby. He no longer has hobbies, so he mostly sleeps or lies around. That drives me crazy, too, because here I am going 100 miles an hour, and he is watching TV all day. Again, my issue here that I need help learning how to cope with. Not Ricks.
I went to a therapist to learn how to deal with this. How can I help him and save myself? As you know, the therapist was a fan of the orange asshat, and I told him that because of this, he was not a good fit. He asked me in my last lesson a question and I told him I worked in Manhattan for the last 20 yrs of my career. He said you wouldn't want to go there now that they have a communist in charge. I about blew a gasket. I told him he was not a communist, but a socialist. Do you wish for me to explain the difference? (yes that was a snarky bitch remark.) Also, you love trump and he is in bed with a communist, so I think we have a moral issue here. This isn't about politics, sir; this is about morality, ethics, etc. I don't think you are a good fit for me. I got up and left. Some would say I was a bitch for doing that. I said it nicely and call me what you will, but I think of it as protecting myself and standing up for myself. To me, that is not the definition of a bitch.
So I need to find another. I asked Rick if he would go to a therapist. I think I may have found one who deals with Traumatic Brain Injuries, which is what a stroke is. He was more than willing, thank God. We both think he needs that type of doctor to help him.
We used to share everything. He did 50% of everything except laundry. I told him, while we lived in the haunted house, that I wouldn't go in that basement. If he did laundry while we lived there, I would do the laundry for the rest of his life. So I do the laundry. He cooked the majority of the time. He did 50% of the outside yard stuff. It went like that. It's always been a collaboration. Or as he used to say, a partnership.
Yesterday I did some weeding because it was nice out. I did some mulching. I went to Lowe's and bought some items that I had a difficult time finding. I texted him a few times with pictures of an item and asked if it was wrong or correct. I wish he could walk the aisles with me, but walking for a long time is an issue for him. I knew it wasn't a get-it-and-get-out-of-the-store kind of shopping, so I went alone.
Then add how expensive strokes are and all that comes with it, and it's financially stressful as well. That is a very big deal in my life right now. We are living on a thread and driving an 18-year-old car.
We bought a fixer-upper because we love to fixer up. We flipped homes, and Rick was so good with the construction, and I had the eye, so we were a good pair. We were retired, and we had the time. We thought it would be fun and keep us busy.
Since the stroke, it is all on me now. So, between my lack of skills and money, I am living in something I don't like. Add that to the list.
I always feel like my insides are on a trampoline and jumping. I can't sit still. I think that may be anxiety. Who the hell knows? It's not comfortable, though.
So, as you can all see, I'm a friggin' hot mess.
So that brings me to the blog.
I know it hasn't been the same.
I'm sorry about that.
For those of you who've hung in there, I appreciate it very much.
On that note, I will try my best. Sadly, of late, that's been my best, but I will do better, I will climb out of this, and all will be good again. 😉
Besides, baseball is back in 23 days or so, and that always makes me smile.
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