To follow up on my Olympic event -
I don't know why it was so high. Several asked this. I wish I knew. When I walked out I said to the nurse at the desk across from the bathroom. My God that seat is high, she just smiled. I should have said, "Why the hell is that so high?" Rick thought that perhaps they did this for a special person and then forgot to take it down.
Others asked, omg, did you wash your hands. Even my husband asked that and he knows I always do and it grosses me out when others don't. But my goodness one must after you saw all the places I had to put my hands to climb. Of course, I did - twice.
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The ongoing saga of our bathroom remodel of sorts continues.
We are now down to the final inspection on Wednesday afternoon.
We are now down to the final inspection on Wednesday afternoon.
If the water test passes, the tiling can begin. And we will be in the final stretch.
We are doing the shower of course first. Because we had to spend more money on plumbers and new contractors after the 1st company ripped us off and destroyed our home we will not be getting a new vanity this year after all. We will just have to make this work. The important part to begin with was to have a walk in shower for Rick's stroke/leg issue.
The "bad" company and I don't mean the great rock band, but the bad company who did all this damage also ruined our bathroom floors so we need to get new ones. We looked into repair but it's cheaper to just get new tile. Honestly! This has been such a cluster @#$!
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Rick is suddenly coming to terms with how he has to live.
I think he kept thinking he would get back to his old self.
His old self is gone, but no one could tell him this, he had to come to this on his own they told me.
We have all said this in many ways but not bluntly to him. We, being his doctors and therapists.
I knew that if someone said, "Hey this is what you are now going to have to live with so deal with it, and make the best of it"
He would have flipped out and gotten angry.
Angry Rick is not pleasant and it wouldn't drive him to work harder, just be pissy.
So therapists made hints as do I, but nothing close to what I wanted to say.
Thankfully he has great therapists who have helped me as well with Rick's issues.
I am so damn thankful for that.
The other day he sent me this picture.
You see he was trying to do something that would have been easy peasy for him in the past. Reading directions to put something together or figuring out a piece of equipment that isn't working properly. But he finds he can't now. It takes a long time or he just feels so frustrated by it all. He feels like he has an attention issue he told me. I can't seem to focus on this long enough it is frustrating me. So I pull out his OT exercises and we do some of the cognitive ones after dinner. But he is frustrated. I get it and I understand but I don't know what to do to help him. We are both frustrated in ways.
The other day he said, "I hate this new me. I hate this body I'm in and I hate what it's done to my mind. I'm not dumb."
I told him no one thinks you are dumb, no one.
But you also don't have to be a superhero either. Whatever it is you can do, continue to do it well and practice.
And then I took a chance, "Do you think you can handle it if this is the best it will be from now on?"
He was very quiet. He said, "I don't have a choice. I hate being a canteloupe boy though" He smiled so I knew I could laugh.
And I did laugh, and that made him happy.
He really struggles with this far more than his physical abilities or lack of abilities. He asked me later if I still liked him.
My God. Of course, I tell him.
He said, "No, I know you love me, but can you still like me like Cantaloupe boy?"
Guys, I wanted to cry. This broke my heart.
"Of course, I still like you, I also still get frustrated with you, you can annoy the shit out of me, you can make me laugh til it hurts, you spoil me with love and I don't see what is different here babe."
Well, apparently that was the answer he needed because he walked over to hug me and thank me for everything. But to me, it's the truth. Do I like this guy? Of course. Do I wish he could pay attention more, hell yes, I did before the stroke too, so it's just a tad worse now.
He laughs when I tell him this but it's true.
I love this man. It breaks my heart to see him struggle like this.
He is still Rick.
He is funny. He is warm, he is caring, he is stubborn, he is foolish, and he can still make anything a sexual innuendo at an inappropriate time.
Yes, he now has attention issues and he can hear things now only dogs can hear but hey, he's still Rick. And let us not forget all his premonitions he has now. Wow. (I keep telling him we need lottery numbers baby)
While this is hell for him it is for me in ways I never imagined. I wouldn't wish this on anyone. I still wish he'd see a counselor/therapist. I know he talks to me and shares but I am certain there are things he isn't sharing as well and he needs to.
I tried a therapist and she was shit. I went 4 times and she did nothing.
We both need to see someone to vent. I have the blog. We have no friends here and you can't just call friends out of state and dump all your shit on them when you don't see them all the time.
We will figure this out. It has been 8 months since this nightmare began.
We will just keep plugging away.
Thank you for stopping by when it's not funny around here.
For me, It's better than the $250 an hour one pays for a therapist. :-)
18 comments:
You can get Rick some Cantaloupe Boy stickers.
https://store.line.me/stickershop/product/1231413/en
When he's a good Cantaloupe Boy, he gets a sticker!
Don't worry, you can always dump on us. We don't scare off that easily.
Omg Mike, that there actually is a cantaloupe boy freaks me out. I may just do this cuz I know he will howl. Thk you.
I feel for you and Rick, and what you are both going through. I agree that therapy would help, and I wanted to mention that in my experience, it took awhile before I felt simpatico with the therapist I was seeing. My first impression was "oh, no. I will NEVER be able to get comfortable with this guy." Fast forward to maybe 5 months later, when I was fantasizing about spending my life with him. I was so in love with him (transference, of course! Eventually I stopped feeling inappropriate feelings for him). My crisis was in 1995 and I still see him occasionally when I feel I need a little help. In the meantime, I lived for years with a man in a health crisis. I won't leave my phone number here, but if you want to talk to someone who understands and is willing to listen endlessly, contact me by email. I know how hard it is and how hard it is to hang onto hope.
Nina
You tell Rick that after your stroke is a new person. I use to hate how I felt after my stroke but in reality Half of my body is the old Paul and the other half is the stroke Paul. You half to realize that you'll never get back to who you were, only a better person, newer person but you're still the same person. It's been 46 years since my stroke and I'm now slowing down. My stroke have caught up to me but I'm still the best I am. You are of who you are Rick.
Cruisin Paul
Made me teary ((big hugs))
My best local friend has a hubby who had a stroke several years ago. He went 12 hours with the brain bleed until they figured out something was wrong and took him to a hospital. The aftermath was not pretty. Rehab for months, a wheelchair.
Now he doesn't even use a cane, but they thought for sure he wouldn't ever walk again.
'They' all told her it would be at about the 1 year mark when he realized that he would never be the same guy. They were right. He was horribly depressed and it really hurt him. She was hurt because there was nothing she could do to help.
But. The guy he used to be was pretty stoic, the guy he is now cries over movies and the beauty of flowers and grandchildren. He still has his sense of humor, he's still intelligent and loving and still the person he's always been. Just... slower. He has a lot of physical stuff going on. And everyone still loves him.
The point is, I guess, is that we all change, every day. Rick isn't the same guy you married. And you're not the same Peg. None of us are the same as we were. But the things that make us love each other and find that connection... we get to keep those.
Sending you a hug and you know you can always email me or message me.
You might decide that therapy isn't for you, but there's a support group for just about everything. Maybe see if there's one for spouses of stroke patients near you?
bluzdude - 🧡
Nina, thank you so much. I just may take you up on that. But honestly I don't wish to burden
Abby, this woman I went to was nice but we mostly talked about her. Then when I asked how to deal with the PTSD when I drive on that road or when Rick drives she told me to write down my fear on that. I did. Then she said, now throw it away, your fear is gone. WTF?
Kathy, I wrote about that here perhaps before you were reading me. That support group was a bunch of old biddies who hated their husbands and all wanted to leave them now that they had temper issues or physical issues. When I brought up that temper is normal in this case but can be adjusted via your doctor with meds they told me it didn't work even though they said they had never tried. It was so toxic and negative I never went back. And while I called them old biddies, they were old only in spirit. There were 2 men and they were disgusted by their wives now and they were basically asking for permission to fool around. It was horrific Kathy. Not what I needed or was looking for. I wanted to bitch slap all these people.
Ami, Not sure about your comment. I may have to sit with this awhile or I'm taking it the wrong way. I need to sit with it.
Paul just because you tell him that doesn't mean he accepts that. That is the issue. Telling him to just accept it also is not good for him per therapist because then he fights it, know what I mean? He has to come to this on his own in his own time. He is getting there now. He keeps saying he doesn't like this new version, he wants the old version back. But I think eventually he will get there, it's just time and patience so he can settle in to his new normal.
My step-father had a stroke during or straight after heart surgery and yes his life changed. You will need the patience of a saint, but as others said, you can vent on your blog, we're here for you. {{{HUGS}}}
God Peg, this is so beautiful. Anyone can tell how much you two love each other through your blog and Tommy and I got to see in person how you love and make each other laugh. Such a gift.
Maybe I can clarify.
What I meant was that we are different people pretty much all the time. I know I am not the same girl my husband married and he's not the guy I married either. Our commitment was to love and cherish, no mention was made of how we'd both be different people 43 years down the line. 45 really, I met him on my 18th birthday. So what I said was intended to be encouraging and supportive and express how love grows and changes all the time, right along with us. I am sorry if I said it wrong or if I hurt your feelings, that was not my intention at all.
It's not a requirement to keep loving someone, it's a gift that even through all the iterations, we still do.
Ami, I'm not offended or hurt. I just don't think I agree.
We're all good my dear, don't fret 😀
We're totally different people, Peg, but I so get it. My Romeo is not the easiest person to live with. He is a wonderful husband and great Dad, but living with someone who's a big introvert is not easy for me. I want to go out. He would rather pick something up for dinner and eat it at home. I would love to go to a movie, but he'd rather wait until it comes out on Amazon (or some other streaming service). I actually like being around people, but he'd rather be at home. It was not so bad when we were younger, and the kids were home, but ever since he retired, our world has become so mikpò (small). I realize that I enable it too, by not pushing it. I do a lot of things on my own. It's amazing though, how love makes it all bearable.
Of course, a major change, like a stroke, would be different. But how we handle it really makes all the difference. Love.
I'm very carefully not commenting on Rick's wood and you showing his wood off. I mean, I *could* comment, but...
Ami, OMG I'm off my sick game apparently. Good catch! OMG I gotta share that comment with him. He will tell me I am not a true brunette. Another blonde moment.🤣🤣🤣
I can sympathize with Rick. There are so many days I feel like my life is over when dealing with this diabetes, and, like Rick, the old life is over. Learning to accept the days when I could barely move was, and still is, so hard, but it is my life now, so no pouting for the old days. It is really hard to accept it but gradually you learn to accept your limits.
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