The Dark Hole

Depression.

I am always so amazed that a pop culture figure can move me with his life or death.
Doesn't happen a lot. I mean I don't know them at all.
But Robin Williams death did that to me.
Shock was the first thing.
Sadness was the second.
Sadness for everyone, he, his family, all of the people he brought light into their lives.

Depression is a terrible thing that is so misunderstood.
I find that it is an incredibly difficult thing for those to understand until they have been there.  People always say, He was so nice, funny and didn't seem depressed. Those depressed don't often show it to others. The real pain is so deep inside.

Oh sure people throw it about that word depression. 
Oh, I'm feeling depressed today.
But real depression is a black dark hole that is so difficult to come out of alone.

I know a lot of narcissistic people (sadly) who cause a lot of their own drama and sadness. You can't continue to do the same thing day in and day out expecting a different result and then whine that life has got your down. I don't mean that kind of depression. That kind can just be a need for a kick in the ass or someone to be honest with them. To get a hand to help them see what they are doing. Not that it isn't real, but it's not the kind of depression I am referring to here today.

I used to think you could snap out of it. I had never experienced depression.
Or at least I didn't think so.
I am a typical Type A personality in a lot of ways. 
Whine and cry and move on with your life and get over it, used to be my mantra.
No harm in a little tears for yourself but don't stay there.
But I learned the hard way that it isn't like that one tiny bit.

When my mom died I was never given the opportunity to mourn her.
I think back to how in the hell I got through it and what did I do to compensate for that?
I don't know that I did. Rebellion to me was sneaking out when I was grounded or smoking a joint. But I only snuck out once. rebellion? I think not. 
Truth be told I don't think that would have been any different if my mom had lived.
It was the early 70's and I was a teenager.

Then in my 30's due to an undiagnosed disease I went into a very very dark place.
I could burst into tears while driving my car for what seemed to me to be no apparent reason. I would berate myself and say, "what is wrong with you, you have a great career, friends, money and free travel.  Get over it!"
No one knew. Everyone saw bubbly smiling Peg at work and play. But I slowly withdrew. Real friends catch on and ask but you become very very good at deception. Then I remember one day it was like a fog had lifted. I did nothing different it just was sunnier, the sky was bluer and I felt lighter.

Then it happened again in my 40's. This time it went on for a very very long time. 
If you told anyone they would say, "not Peg" she is so happy all the time.
But it was dark. I have never been in this type of hole before. I was ill, I never slept and I was severely depressed. I was given effexor and it made me stay awake for 3 days straight. That didn't help the situation. Rick couldn't reach me as hard as he tried. Boy, he tried. 
I loved him for trying but I just wanted it all to be over.

I always say I don't believe in guns and it's a damn good thing because I would use them.
Oh I wouldn't have killed myself with a gun because well, simply, I'm too anal retentive and I'd hate the mess all over the place for someone to clean up. Yea, that is funny now but it actually crossed my sick little mind. But I considered other ways. 
I thought about it a great deal. Then one night Rick said something to me. It moved me to my core. He was so honest, sincere and looked me in the eyes and I saw his pain. 
He went to bed. I sat there in the darkness. That look has never left me to this day. 
I couldn't hurt myself. I just couldn't do that to him. 
I couldn't bear to hurt him in this way. So what do I do? was my only thought.
But I didn't know how to get out of this pain they call depression.

That night I searched the internet for help.
I found her, my doctor who saved my life. Within months I felt better, not great but a start.
Work was becoming more enjoyable again and not a chore.
It took time but Rick looked at me one day and said, "Welcome back. I've missed you!"

It is a disease that shouldn't be looked upon as weak.
It is a disease. If your heart doesn't work you don't shame anyone into feeling bad about themselves because an organ isn't functioning properly. Why do we shame those with depression? It is just an organ (brain) that is not functioning properly.

I was lucky. Rick didn't give up on me. I was lucky that mine was associated with a medical issue and could be resolved without medication. I was the lucky one. Once the medical issue was found and treated, in time I was well all over. I was back to busting Rick's balls and being a smart ass again. I remember being in the kitchen when I gave Rick a smart ass answer and he burst into laughter. He walked over and hugged me tightly. He said, "I love that you are busting my balls again, who knew I'd miss this so much?"  It was just one of those moments.

I feel so for Robin Williams family as well as him. To end it takes a lot of strength in a way. 
I wish that day his family could have been there. I wish they could have looked him in the eyes and told him Rick's words to me. I wish he hadn't been so far down that dark well.  
I hope now he is finally at peace. 

Funny how someone who was so kind and brought so much happiness to others was just so sad. You just never know what goes on behind others eyes, blogs, or words do you?