Mortality

One more thing on my list to dislike about getting older is all the things that remind you of your own mortality. It's nearer than you think and then something will smack you upside the head when you least expect it to remind you. You're moving along in life feeling just terrific and then POW.

A couple of years ago my favorite Aunt passed away unexpectedly.
She was visiting from Arizona her sister in Pennsylvania.  Her sister she was visiting, my Aunt, was in the hospital dying of cancer. The evening before Thanksgiving we spoke on the phone. She said she was really tired and it just must be jet lag and she was looking forward to going home.
She asked if I would be coming up there for Thanksgiving which was the next day and I said no.  We made plans to see one another a day or so later, which was the coming weekend. I was looking forward to spending some time with her.

I did indeed go up there a day or so later but it wasn't as expected it was for her funeral.
While at the hospital visiting her sister she went into the hall to greet and hug my cousins Joe and Sheila and she grabbed the bar on the wall and fell over and died. Just like that.

This rocked my world because she is only 14 years older than me. While she did live a life of bad food choices and cigarettes I know a lot of people who do and they don't die. 
She was my mom's sister. She was a piece of my mom and this rocked my world.
No mom now no Aunt JoAnn.
Then the older generation started to pass, aunts, uncles and grandparents. But while that may have been sad they were all either ill or so old that it was expected.

But now people my age are passing. Suddenly. I find it very difficult not to be rattled with it.
Thursday of last week I got a call at my office. It was my cousin. My crazy cousin Joe, or Joey, as I still call him. (as in the above Joe) 
As a kid he drove me crazy.  He teased and tormented me unmercifully.
Then as teenagers he was a big royal pain in the ass that would bug me and make me so self conscious about having big boobs, always making gestures and being a pig. When he got married I became close to his wife. As both he and his wife and kids moved for his job, we too moved several times for ours. But we kept in touch via phone calls and then emails.  It was mostly his wife Sheila and I chatting and getting caught up with she and Joey and their kids.

So on Thursday when I got the call from Joe and not Sheila I thought it was odd.
He said he and all the kids were home looking at photo albums and they saw a picture of me catching the bouquet at his wedding.  He was laughing when he said, "Peg you were so pretty back then and you know Sheila always loved you ."  I thought that was an odd thing to say as in the past tense. (not the pretty because that is a relative talking, I'm was not then nor am I now  pretty) but the "You know Sheila always loved you "part. I said, "Joey what's up?"  He began to tell me a story that started on the day before Thanksgiving.  His wife was suddenly talking funny.  They thought she may have had a mini stroke or something. They rushed to the hospital. They found one lesion on her brain stem and even more cancer in her brain. She did have some chemo but this was so far advanced there was no cure or hope. She was now home and hospice was at their home. She was no longer awake and they didn't expect her to last more than a day or two. He said it all happened so fast that Sheila didn't have time to think about it or plan anything. He laughed and said, "you know how that would have bugged her."  I fought back tears and laughed and just listened to him.  I couldn't ask any questions for fear of falling apart.  He sounded so strong and I thought it best to just listen.

This threw me for a loop.  I can't even fathom what they are all experiencing. She was only 59.  She died just two after Joey called me.
They married young and had been happily married for 40 years.
I have known her the majority of my life. 
Joe has known her for most of his as well. They are only 5 yrs older than me.
The last time I saw them was my Aunts funeral. Sheila and Joe are vibrant fun people.
They look like they are 40 something and they are so young at heart.  We went outside at one point at the funeral parlor to get some air and we found ourselves laughing because the "air" was all the smokers standing around smoking like chimneys.  As he has always done Joey began teasing my sister because she was one of those smokers outside. The ribbing began and before you know it we were all 12 years old and teasing one another and laughing. The funeral director came out the doors and asked us to keep it down. That made us laugh all the harder.   Grown ass adults making noise like we were a bunch of disrespectful kids.

I am not ready to go anywhere just yet. I know she wasn't either, the way she talked about her kids and Joey. That is why they were living in Tampa, to be closer to their children and grandchildren. He asked his company to move them there they so missed their children.

Every time I now call home my father tells me how he is ready. I hate hearing it but I understand it for someone his age.  But 59 is just too damn young.

Joey said to me that they had such great plans for themselves after they retired. He went on, "I don't know what to do or who I am without her." 
Oh man that killed me.  I couldn't talk because I knew if I did I would cry and I so didn't think I should cry when he was being so strong on the phone. So it was quiet for a moment.  Then I told him that while he has certainly lost his rudder he will right himself in time.  Don't plan just live in the moment now Joe and allow yourself the love of your family around you. 
We went off on topics about his sisters up north in our hometown and his crazy mom. Who is the last living person of her family. That is hard to wrap my head around. 
Our call ended in laughter as my family is prone to do along with I love you's.
But it left me feeling the void already.

I hate a lot of shit about getting older as you all have read me bitch about here in my blog.
But when it gets right down to it who really gives a rats ass if you're wrinkled if you are alive?
Given the choice I'd take my droopy eyelids and live.