Smile

Now our food is killing us or giving us explosive diarrhea. Lovely.

No lettuce, no jalapeños, and more. Now, as a Celiac, my foods that I do eat a lot of are salads, homemade Pico de gallo, and eggs.

I never ever buy bagged lettuce, which was the first culprit. Then they suggested lettuce by the head. Oh great. We were told to take the outer leaves off and throw them away, then thoroughly rinse the head of lettuce. Nope. I still fear it all. I don't want Cyclospora, which causes weeks of severe pain and explosive diarrhea or death. Not worth a salad. 

Now they say Salmonella for my jalapeños from Mexico.  

I seeded a jalapeño I had purchased some time ago. I put the seeds in a pot on my patio to see if they would grow. I eat my homemade Pico daily, until now. So no salads, no spice, no wheat. What's a gal to do?  

You'd think I'd be skinny, wouldn't you?  Rick tells me all the time he doesn't see how I don't lose weight when I hardly eat. My thoughts exactly, buddy!  

I watch him eat ice cream, candy, and junk food every night as I drink water. 

Oh well. God made me chubby so I'd keep my clothes on, I swear. 

We are heading to the big Raleigh farmers market to buy produce not from Mexico. We want homegrown food. Our world is crazy. I got bell peppers from Canada as well as mushrooms. Plz Canada, don't give me salmonella or explosive diarrhea.

I'm not in the mood to die either. 

I went to pick up rice paper in the Asian department.

I was going to make egg rolls, and since I can't use regular egg roll wrappers, I saw a man who made egg rolls with rice paper.  YIPEE. 

Gluten-free, and I already know how to make the insides. But my store had no rice paper. 

I asked the woman who worked there, and she told me to just use egg roll wrappers. 

I smiled and thanked her and went along my merry way. 

I always smile, but inside I'm thinking, "Did I say egg roll wrappers? If I wanted egg roll wrappers, I'd have chosen one from the 3 piles of them you have in front of me. I don't fucking want egg roll wrappers, lady" 

But I only say this in my head of course. 

It makes me feel better so I can smile at this woman and thank her

It's what we refer to as my Peggy face.  I was given my Peggy face as a child. It's served me well, I suppose. Rick got it from the first week he met me, when we were with other people.  He asked why I did that. 

I told him, why make others feel bad?  Just smile and move on. 

But did I move on or just add it to a pile of shit I was stuffing down?

When my mom was sick, I never wanted to upset her or make her worry about me. So I smiled and always said things were fine or great, no matter how heavy this all felt to me at the time. (I was 10.)

 

When my mom died, my father told me not to cry at the funeral because it made others feel bad and uncomfortable. (I was 13) When people talked about my mom or came to our home, I served the coffee and pastries and smiled because that is what I was told to do. Stuff it down and smile. 

Be kind to everyone but myself was what it felt like it was about; I just didn't know it then.

So there have been many difficult times in my life, and I just put on my Peggy face. Make others laugh, make others comfortable, and smile, smile, smile. Today I didn't want to smile, but I did. She didn't deserve my anger; I was just in a bad mood. 

It's been 60 years of that shit. Smile! I am getting tired. I fear all this pent-up smiling will explode one day, and I won't be kind to someone, and I'll say what is on my mind. But I continue to practice kindness, keeping it inside and smiling. Eventually, there will be something worth smiling about, right?