Me Whining Again

Rick is a lot like himself most of the time, but a connection is missing in some areas.

He can be my Ricky and then turn into a very bratty 12-year-old. It is very difficult for me to handle. 

I wish I could afford counseling. I don't know how to deal with this and no one has been helpful in any way.  

I don't want to be impatient, I try to talk to him but I've found when he is that 12 yr old there is no talking to him, so I've been trying to ignore it the best I can. But there were times when he insists he can do things, and we all know he can't like using a knife to cut food. He has vision issues on his left side. He almost cut off his fingers! If I suggest that it may be a bad idea to do this he snaps at me. I understand because his mind thinks he's fine. So yelling at him is not the answer, but what is?

I am overwhelmed and stressed and exhausted. I went to a caregiver support group but it was depressing. All these women wanted to divorce their husbands or vice versa, it was just a bitch session and I wanted no part of that. I want help to learn to deal with this if it doesn't change. 

"They," tell me it will change, but if it doesn't, in the meantime, how do I cope with this?  I want help in learning how to not make him angrier and how to deal with all this shit on my plate.  

Yep, there are therapists but I can't afford $200 for 50 minutes. Most take Medicaid, and few take Medicare. Strokes aren't cheap and $200 for 50 minutes would just cause me more stress you know?  I fall into the cracks because not quite poor enough for Medicaid but having Medicare and Bankers' life is not enough for therapy. And if you do find one who takes your insurance, they never call you back or only do online therapy. WTH is that? I would never feel comfortable enough to share via Zoom. No thanks.

I want to scream, SHIT, DAMN, FUCK.  

But I can't do that. But inside Peg is screaming all of that all the time.

Then I went to a fb page for stroke survivors and saw a comment my husband made. (errors here I know but I copied it, he's had a stroke. lol) 

Oh my goodness it brought tears to my eyes.

"It's a constant struggle to not snap at the woman that hopefully still loves and lines me and takes such good care of me. I have to take a moment and try and understand what she is dealing with, dealing with " stroke boy"

So he knows he turns into the brat but is struggling too. It's a no-win for us both. We just keep having to talk it out. I don't know what else to do. 

He is now aware of the fact that he doesn't know what he doesn't know. 

The realization of that hit him big time. 

He was so angry one afternoon about everything. There was no saying something simple like can you hand me that book?  

Oh no, he would assume I was accusing him of moving the book. He was taking everything said personally. (This really happened.)

Oh, that was a delightful day. He was so angry he went to bed at just before 8p. He just walked into the bedroom and crawled into bed. I let him. 

I wasn't going to discuss this, just let him be.  In the morning he apologized up one side and down the other. He feels badly snapping at me in a way he has never done to anyone in his life, let alone me. He hates being this angry. God, Zoloft kick in will ya!!

So I asked him to sit and talk with me on the porch one day. 

I asked him if he remembered when he found out he wasn't "seeing" everything on his left. 

Sure if he turns his head he will see it but for some reason, the stroke makes him unaware of the left side or looking to the left. I am not sure how to explain it. It makes total sense to me when they explained it to me. 

Anyhow, he understands that now. One day in OT he was made aware of something. He looked at me shocked. The OT explained to him why this was the way it was on his left and how they will correct this in time. 

I said, "Okay let's think of it Rick as you don't know that you didn't know that about your left side vision. Is that correct to you?"

He looked at me with a Eureka look on his face. 

He got it. Finally. It connected.

So now when he wants to use the knife I say, "Remember the left side issue?"

"Oh yeah, I want to try, but can you watch me?" 

YES. 

Before you see, he would just get angry at me watching him cut something. And I understood that he felt like I was babying him. Even though I'd tell him otherwise he felt we all were babying him. 

I told him about seeing on his left and he'd tell me he could see just fine. His OT and I knew he could not see fine. I am so thankful she got him to see the issues and understand them. 

So now he repeats to me, "I don't know what I don't know, so I will not be angry when you tell me okay?"  O.K.!! 

Baby steps, but oh so helpful and he has less anger for some reason knowing this. 

So his new mantra is, "I don't know yet what I don't know"  

It has made a HUGE difference in his attitude and I am so thankful.

He works so hard at getting better and I don't want him to get discouraged. I can't fathom how difficult this must be for him. We keep talking about it and to keep talking seems to help him in a few ways as well so that is good. 

We have a lot happening this week. Dropping the car off tomorrow at the garage to be repaired? I told you someone hit me in the parking garage of the hospital right? Well if not, I am dropping off the car, getting a rental car and then he has a neurological appointment after that. Then on Tuesday, the bathroom demo begins. Looking forward to the end result but not them being in our home.

Every day is a therapy or two and I am not thrilled leaving these guys in our house but what can I do otherwise? This is all gonna get better right?

Oh and on a fun note, we have discovered Lincoln Lawyer on Netflix.  

I know, I know, late to the game. We just finished Season 1 last night. 

I was told to have a routine for Rick. Meals same time, bed same time, meds same time, exercises at home the same time. So we have a chart. 

He can see what is coming up etc. 

Last night we had only 1 episode left of season 1 when I suggested we just go to bed. (although I really wanted to finish that last episode) Then he said, "Ah, c'mon I'm a big Stroke Boy, let me stay up past my bedtime"  

He was making me laugh so of course I gave in. We finished that damn last episode and then went to bed. Now on to season 2.   

I'm certain you've all seen it already. We are very late to this game. Not like we haven't been busy or anything. HA

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update - I did not make myself clear I see from the comments. 

Rick has the use of all his limbs. His right hand is strong and that is not the issue with the knife. I used the knife as an example but it's all things to his left. He had OT at the rehab hospital kitchen and he made breakfast for the therapist and me. We just had to watch him because of his left-side vision. It is the only reason he can't drive right now. He wants to get back to cooking because my cooking sucks. But I have to oversee for lack of a better word, that he doesn't chop off his fingers on his left hand. Again, this is sight related not hand coordination or hand disability. We have homework we do daily to help with this sight issue. He even was given a couple of games on his phone to play to help with this. 

He can walk with no help but he shuffles more than walks, but that improves weekly. He can do things with his left hand it just still has some tingling like it's asleep on the back side and his wrist. His speech is improving weekly. However, he still has some issues in that dept and swallowing. He takes his pills via applesauce because it is less likely for choking. Otherwise, if you just look at him - you would say nothing is wrong until he walks and you see the shuffle and when he speaks, you hear the issue. 

He carries his walking stick only when we leave the house because people are quite mean about him walking slower than before. When he has his stick he finds people are kinder. Hope that helps explain the situation. All of which have nothing to do with his quick anger from the man who could let shit roll off his back. :-)