Does Positive Thinking Work?

I'm not lost. But, I am struggling a bit.

I was told things that would happen while on these meds. I refuse to believe all of this will happen so I am plugging on. I am stubborn like that. I don't want to think that just because he said them I will have them. Mind over matter was my thoughts going into this. I am going to push forward. If I tell myself this will happen, it will happen. So I am going to go in the other direction. Foolish? Maybe but I had to try the positive route. Trying to see the humor and trying to fool my brain I guess.

After 10 cancer pills were taken at once on Sunday, the doc told me I'd be fatigued and not feel well on Monday. Poo-poo I said I'll be fine. I awoke Monday around 3am so damn nauseated I couldn't stand it.  I really wanted to vomit so I'd feel better. But no that would be too easy. My mouth was full of salvia and I felt like crap. 

I took had a CBD gummy. After what seemed like an eternity it kicked in and nausea went away. Yipee. By 6am I was ready to sleep. But instead, Rick got up and I never went back to bed. I got showered and decided I felt pretty darn good so I began making the sauce for Mongolian beef for dinner. He kept saying shouldn't you take it easy today?  I told him just because he said I may get this side effect doesn't mean I will. I feel okay right now. Positive Thinking Rick. 

I knew if I started to feel bad at least this was made and Rick could construct the dinner himself.  I did all that, cleaned up the kitchen, did a load of laundry, and folded clothes. Thought about blogging but I was feeling very tired. I felt like I was going to fall asleep standing up. It came over me like a big fat wave. Nope, I am not doing this just because it's a side effect.  But by 1pm I was feeling like I'd been hit by a truck, flu-like, just all-around icky.  The professional medical term, "icky" of course.

I sat on the sofa and that's all she wrote. I slept for several hours. Rick was in the garage/shop and he'd come in and check on me he said to see if I needed anything and each time I was still asleep and he thought that was best. I slept until 5:30pm. Rick was in the kitchen trying to figure out what I told him to do for dinner but around 6p I finished up the dinner. We both ate and I felt okay just really tired. Rick did all the clean-up and dishes. He does a lot of work around here but seldom cleans up the kitchen and dishes, so thank God for being sick I guess. 😊

So it was a weird day. Today I feel okay just huge. The steroids make me feel so fat and full all the time. My jeans are tight and I am eating barely anything. The steroids make me hungry as hell. The worst munchies you could ever have. But I am determined to not eat. I drink so much water my urine is now clear. I drink so much water to starve off hunger when I know I shouldn't be hungry it's just the steroids. So I drink more water. All I do is pee but I feel so damn shitty that I can't eat. Today I must get dressed to go to an appointment. I pray something will fit me and allow me to be comfortable. Now the fact that he said not to be around a lot of people due to my newly suppressed immune system upset me, but feeling and looking like I do I am okay to not be seen!

But a plus....hair is still in place.

(look at me talking about hair and not mentioning Will Smith or Chris Rock)

I have brown spots on my face. My mom's side of the family had these and they never ever went in the sun and if so wore hats. 

So I do think a lot of this is hereditary as well as we all know hormonal.

I am getting more by the day I swear. I have wanted them removed for years. I hate that I have to apply concealer and wear foundation to hide them. I got medication from my dermatologist that did absolutely nothing at all but drain my wallet. The only suggestion has been to have a laser done on my face. 

I had this appointment for a consultation to find out how this is done, what options could be done if there were others, and the cost. But now I can not be in the sun due to the medications causing me to burn badly. So laser on my face would be out of the question. But I am still going to the dermatologist today to get the info. It's a free consultation. I will discuss where I am at in my medical protocol and if I move forward with them then this will be done AFTER the medication so I don't burn off my face. It's also good for me to get out of the house even if it means the doctor's office and feeling like a sausage in my clothing.

Here is what I have found so far. 

During the first 3 days of steroids (that was 36 pills at this point taken/12 per day), I felt fabulous. My eye stopped hurting as did my joints. I mean to tell you I felt great. But by day 4 the crappy feeling began. Ah, only something like 84 more days.

So I can't say I'll be here every day although I'll do my very best. I really want to focus on a routine and push myself as much as I can and rest when I can. 

Last night Rick and I went for a short walk after dinner. I asked to try, not a mile, but a short one. I needed to be outside and the sun was lower so off we went. It was short but good. A few people waved to us as we walked by. An older gentleman that lives about 5 houses away saw Rick. 

Apparently, he saw Rick and Izzy every night and they chatted a few minutes each time. I did not know this man, I'd see him wave and just assumed he was friendly. He waved to Rick and I and asked where the pretty dog was. Rick had to tell him she passed. The man was so upset it startled us. He came to the end of his driveway to say he was sorry and said, "she was such a sweet girl. I thought maybe you guys were out of town."  

Rick told him he was now walking 'this sweet girl' now after dinner and introduced me. The man laughed.

I am always so amazed at the people that were affected by our Ms. Izzy.

An old neighbor in VA who takes her dog to doggie daycare where Izzy went told the owners that Izzy passed. They have known her from the time she was spayed. They got our address from the neighbor and they sent us the most lovely wind chimes with a heart engraved attached to them with a very moving remembrance. That was so damn nice of them. 

We hate wind chimes so it made us laugh because these weren't cheap wind chimes but what do we do? So we put them on the porch on the side of the house. We don't hear them as much. We felt guilty that they made such a lovely gesture and we hated it so we had to try. They still can be heard and it's not our favorite sound but we have guilt. 

Which is pretty damn funny to me.