Soap Box Derby

Another story I wrote about 10 years ago since we're on the subject of inappropriate laughter. 

Here is another time we got the giggles and it was a solemn occasion  - 

The time we had to pick out a coffin for his mom.

That was a wild 2 weeks for me. Allow me to set this scene

I lived in Cleveland during this time and was going to visit Rick in Erie PA as well as visit my family for the weekend. I had just been on a week-long business trip in Houston.  My plan was to touch down at the Cleveland airport Friday night, grab my car and drive directly to Rick’s house first for a Friday night cocktail. I was staying at my parents that weekend but I knew once at my family's I didn't get out easily so I wanted to see Rick first or I'd not see him at all.

I had a suitcase of jeans, a sweater and a sweatshirt or some such casual thing to wear home on Sunday. I was wearing a black wool skirt, blouse and cobalt blue blazer with heels because I was coming from work. (hey it was the 80s!)

I got to Rick’s house around 7ish. He opened a bottle of wine and we sat at his table and began to talk about the week and upcoming weekend. I was still in my business clothes when his phone rang. It was the hospital. His mom had gone into the hospital for gall bladder surgery and he had made arrangements to go down there on Sunday for a few days.
She asked him not to come down until she got home. For once he listened to her.
But apparently, she had taken a turn for the worse. (she also had leukemia)
The hospital personnel was telling him to come now.
It was a 4 hr trip from where he lived.

He began to throw things in a suitcase as I helped him pack.
He then asked me if I would please come with him. 

He says it will just be for the weekend.
I said okay. I ran up to my parents and asked my sisters and mom for some clothes.
I only had 1 pair of jeans and a sweater and sweatshirt. I felt I needed something nicer than what I had to wear since I didn't know what I was walking into. 
I got a few sweaters that were at least nicer than a sweatshirt to wear.

Fast forward – his mom passes away. 

We spent 2 days in the hospital with no sleep at all.
When we finally went to his mom’s home we had to find the things necessary for the funeral.
We found a letter that she had written to Rick about what she wanted to wear and all these specific directions. That was so helpful. We were so thankful she was so anal retentive about everything. It truly made our life easy for this next week. We finally got some sleep but only a couple of hours and then had to be up early to meet the funeral director.

This town only has 1,030 people. Everyone seems to know everyone. I found that weird but it was so helpful during this week.

We got to the funeral director's office and he gave us a book to choose a casket from.
We made a choice and we showed this man our choice when he returned.
He said, “Oh I’m sorry I wasn’t clear. Your mom’s directive was to be cremated.”
We both said in unison, “yes we are aware of her wishes.”
He went on, “Then you can only choose from these 2 pages.” 

As he turns the pages to the back of this book the caskets looked just like homemade go-carts from the 60’s.
He left the room just as Rick and I went into mad hysteria.

It looked like this but not blue -

Rick could barely get out that these look like wooden soapbox derby cars he built in the ’60s.
I knew exactly without him saying a word. 

That exact thought went through my head.

We could barely talk. We couldn’t for the life of us understand why she had to have this horrible-looking casket. We had the money for a nice casket.
We were appalled but couldn’t stop laughing long enough to speak.
We were both crying….literally crying from laughing so hard.
The more I tried to stop the more difficult it became.
It seemed like we had been left alone in this room forever when the director finally came back into the room.

I straightened up in my chair and kept my head down.
Rick was still snickering and asked, “Why must we choose one of these?”
The funeral director told us that was because she requested to be cremated.
Apparently, one is cremated in their coffin.
Okay, you could have told us it had to be a pine wood box so we weren’t so shocked.

Rick continued to clear his throat.
I knew he was trying not to laugh so I kept looking at my hands in my lap so I didn’t begin to giggle. Rick asked if they would make it look better because this was pathetic looking.  I turned to look out the window trying very hard not to laugh.

Then the man went on to explain how it is dressed and no one would know the difference etc. (it was amazing how good it looked later)

Someone came into the room at that moment and the funeral director excused himself and left. 

That was all we needed. We laughed our asses off. We couldn’t stop.
Rick was making comments that were so funny yet most would consider offensive, inappropriate but so freakin' funny.
I got up and tried to walk across the room.
Apparently, I thought that would help. It did not!

Rick said, “God I hope they don’t slap wheels on this thing or they’ll think she’s driving straight to heaven or hell.”
That did it, I peed my pants a little.

I know this was all from pure exhaustion and stress.
We had been up for days and I am still wearing the same damn clothes.
Who knows, maybe we are just awful people but this was so funny to us at the time. We kept saying, "who knew they cremated you in the coffin?"

I was in this little town for over a week.
I was glad I wore a black wool skirt that winter day to work because I could wear different tops and be appropriate for the funeral and the events that proceeded. But I needed panties.
Rick said he would take me to the store. It was a General Store. No kidding. A real throwback general store. I felt like I was on Little House on the Prairie. On the right side of the store were guns and ammo and on the left were clothes. All of the panties were big ole cotton granny panties. 

I picked up a pair and that got Rick and I laughing our asses off again. 

They would have been too large for Rick. I found my size and got them.

I really didn’t want to pay money for these but I didn’t want to keep washing my underwear out in the sink either.

So I buy myself some granny panties.
They came in handy - you can wash and wax the car with them.
You know like a mitt.