Oh, everything she did was from a good heart but she just wasn't supportive.
It wasn't because I was a stepchild. Oh no, she is like this with all her girls. (8 of us)
My father is the same way. I know my father loved me. He adored me. Get a few drinks in him and he'd tell me I was his favorite. And I knew it all along.
But he was not someone who could really tell you he was proud of you.
Never did I hear that from him in my life. He was not one to say, 'you can do anything you want' Or you can be that if you work hard enough"
Or 'You're smart enough to do this or that if you want to and apply yourself.'
NEVER.
His words were more like, 'You're a girl and you can't do that'
'College for girls is stupid you're just looking for a husband' (no shit he told me this)
'Why the hell do you want to do that, get it out of your head, you can be a teacher or a secretary or perhaps a nurse.'
Oh, it went on and on like that. Apparently, those "women" jobs were okay until of course, I was married and pregnant.
But thankfully I had a mom. My mom said I could do anything. I could be anything. I was smart enough. Don't hide your brain for any man.
Once she told me that my father has old fashioned ideas so be respectful but don't pay attention when he tells you that you can't do anything you want because you are a girl. My mom was my cheerleader. My mom also was tough on me. I couldn't pull a thing over this woman. She expected a lot of me but she supported me in ways I never ever saw again after she died.
So from age 13 on, I was on my own to be my own cheerleader. I never believed all the shit coming at me from my father but it affected me. It slowly would creep into my self-doubt or self-esteem. It has a way of worming into you.
I fought them as best I could. I've told you here that all I ever wanted to do was be on the radio. You can read this from the past to know how they played me here.
14 comments:
Well said. My dad spoiled me, I loved him and I was his favorite, but when I actually heard him cheat on my mom, I never felt the same way about him. On the other hand, my mom was not very affectionate, even when she wasn't drinking or depressed, but seeing some of what she went through, taught me to be very independent. Both my parents wee exceptional cooks, and I remember one day when my mom tried to teach me how to fry chicken, peel potatoes and clean collard greens for dinner. She tried t encourage me to take home economics in high school. I told her I was NEVER going to cook and take care of someone else because I planned to live in an apartment with my best friend and eat out every night.(lol) Hugs and more hugs. A lady on Concentration last night won a box of Rice A Roni, a Eureka Vacuum Cleaner and a brand new car.(lol) DC in 2021!(lol) RO
I like the elephant's wisdom.
Ro, you better if you are visiting your brother in BWI.
I'll drive up there if needed. Whatever it takes. :-) Maybe our mama's can slap us into 2021.
Olga, agreed!
It's hard to live under the umbrella that was our parents, their visions for our lives. Or their tiny worlds mostly form by the parents before them. It's never too late to come out from under it.
What a bitter, bitter man, that guidance counselor, to say those things to you. And I can't help but wonder how many other young women's dreams were snuffed by a narrow minded fool who hated women.
You would be AMAZING on the radio!
Linda, all so true. (about the prick Dunbar)
Hey maybe not - I still stutter from time to time or slip a soft R when I've had a few drinks. Rick will point them out like a lovely husband would to embarrass his wife who was hoping no one would notice. I can't say the name of this drug store in Manhattan to save my life. Duane Reade is difficult unless I say each word slowly, pause, and then say the 2nd word. But put them together and my impediment comes out. It becomes Duane Weade. When I worked in NYC I told Rick I got it at Duane Reade but said it like only I can and he laughed and asked if I heard. I said I did but wanted to keep going so you didn't notice. He said, "impossible." Gee thx for the support. Just like Elmer Fudd. :-)
Interesting. My Mom always wanted me to marry rich but Dad was huge on education and college. I obviously didn't listen to my Mom and only half listened to Dad.
Both my parents lost their mother's by age nine so they never really had role models for what was considered 'male' or 'female' work so they never passed those common-for-the-times restrictions on my brother and me like your dad did. Hard to believe some of those stereotypes are still in the marketplace...like some of your callers who want to talk to a man.
The Elephant's Wisdom was spot on. Sometimes Parents don't realize how influential they could be in ways they never imagined mattered. My own Parents were very unconventional so they never instilled conventional roles by Gender, Socioeconomic standing, Race, etc. Dad became a Master Chef and only had a Grade School 'Education' that the Indian Schools on the Rez gave to Native Children, which really meant putting them to work as indentured Minors separated from their Parents and calling it an Education. He was a Two Spirit Person by his Tribe's definition so he did many things that Traditional Anglo Families felt were Women's roles. Mom was very Educated in Europe but very Bohemian and Free Thinking, she was probably the most Fearless Woman I ever knew and bold about being authentic to Self. She looked like Carmen Miranda on Steriods when everyone else's Moms looked like June Cleaver. I remember people Judging our Family because we were so different from the Garden Variety Families, but I'm glad I was Raised by people who told me I could do and be anything, and so I went out and did just that. I'm glad your Mom was of that ilk too, so much Potential is Lost on Children who don't have great Mentors who take them under their Wing. My parents could afford College so Dad's advice was find the person on my Job who was ready to pass the Mantle and learn everything you can from them... it served me well as not only a Free Education Money couldn't Buy, but they became Mentors and Friends for a Lifetime and who I knew and cultivated relationship with was Priceless in my Corporate Lives.... and Life in general.
Jean, that was so nice for you not to be burdened with those beliefs. We women were never enough. Sheesh. I had a guy yesterday as you said this ask for a man. I let him talk to Rick and then I hear Rick say, "gee didn't Peggy tell you that? she did huh? Well, good thing because she is trained to discuss all these things with you. I am going to pass the phone to Peggy, she'll take great care of you.thank you for calling" He winked and handed me back my headset. I got on the phone and the man couldn't have been nicer now. He just needed to know I wasn't a dumbbell by a man. it's rather funny. There are days that if drives me crazy and days I just shake my head and laugh at the idiots. Because c'mon they are idiots.
Oops I meant my Parents COULDN'T afford College!
So do you say Mawgwet for your name? Or do you introduce yourself as Peggy all the time?
Bohemian - wow what a fascinating set of parents. Now when I was a kid I'd have looked at your family and would have wanted to be adopted. Lucky you!!
Mike, I always introduce myself as Peggy. Margaret I can say with no issues. :-) I can say my R's after so many years of speech class but a glass or 2 of wine may cause a slip.
Just read your link. Prick is too kind. He was a royal dream crusher. I am so sorry you had to have him in your life.
Ever thought of starting a podcast? We would all sign up.
I hadn't known of your disc jockey aspirations until reading your linked post. These days, I'd bet you'd be a popular podcast! Seriously, I'd tune in!
70's "guidance counselors" - what a crock... for girls.
My dad was an obnoxious male chauvinist, practically proud of it. But with me, he was different, like he didn't realize I was included in the group he was making generalizations about. He encouraged me to become an engineer and was proud but not surprised when I did. Damn enigma, that guy.
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