Realty TV

I watched a marathon of Property Virgins and House Hunters while I was recovering from doing something foolish. (drinking 3 chocolate martini's)
Seriously I can drink a 1/2 bottle of Tanqueray and feel barely a thing.
I can drink wine and feel nothing. But vodka kills me every time.

Here is what I have learned while observing whiny people looking for a new home.

1. They want EVERYTHING and they want to only pay $100K or less. This makes me laugh every time. Then when the realtor shows them what their 100K gets them in the big city they whine. And then they whine some more. 100k in my neck of the woods would get me a house alright, but if I wanted a roof I'm be shit out of luck.

2. Oh I hate the color of these walls. (must be said in whiny voice now) Gee have you ever heard of paint? If you're too lazy to paint yourself then there are people called painters.  No shit, google it. Couple actually said, "the house is perfect except for the color of the walls." So they wouldn't make an offer. They just kept saying it's too bad because it has everything we wanted. Really? I'm even shaking my head as I type this.

3. They want granite!  This woman ooh'd and aah'd over this really really cheap granite and then when they went to a newly renovated home with very high end everything in the kitchen including quartz counter tops she stomped her foot and said, "But I want granite" Here's a tip whiny white woman, don't worry about putting granite in your 30 yr mortgage. You can add it cheaper later. Especially since you love cheap granite. Why don't realtors tell them that? Said much nicer than what I just said of course, but really these kids are so clueless. Besides if they watch HGTV of DIY network they would know that the reason granite is so cheap now is because it is considered dated. 

4. A woman had an aversion to wood paneling. One of the easiest fixes there is. She also has a pig for a pet. This was her issue?  She also didn't want wood floors because to her this was just paneling on the floor. She has a pet pig. She wants carpet. Dumb ass.
A pig on carpet sounds like a great idea to me. ooh those smells and stains in the carpet will be wonderful in a year from now. This woman made me laugh. She was a hoot, not in a good way but in a can't turn away from the accident kind of way.

5. Men only care about a man cave and no yard to mow. Every single one of these "men" whined about mowing the lawn. I suggest they get goats. Or perhaps google lawn boys, there are tons of companies that will take you money to mow your lawn.
These are also the "men" who have muscles bigger than their heads and they might want to consider some exercise outside the gym that is free - walking and mowing your small yard that you think is HUGE. Seriously one was a town home. I find these people so lazy it makes me laugh. But they don't want to live in a condo because they want a yard. It's a head scratcher to me.

6. My favorite couple after all these whiny couples were a couple who moved from a 550 sq ft apartment in NYC for their jobs. They were now in Atlanta where you can get yourself a good size home for cheap in comparison to most of the east coast. They saw a house below their budget and they thought it was too big. It wasn't that big. They have 2 toddlers and the 2 of them. They just kept laughing and didn't know what to do with all this house coming from 550ft. It was culture shock. The realtor said that she has never had anyone tell them it was too much home. They settled on a home that to me they will find too small down the line but I think the culture shock was just too much for them now. They were cute and they were reasonable. They said things that made sense to me like, "well I don't like this color but it's just paint." "The basement is framed so if we finish this out we'll build some equity."  They seemed to get it. But I wish I could hear them a year from now because that house will be too small for them.  The one they thought was too big was 2200 sq ft. The one they bought was around 1200 sq ft for 4 people and one on the way. 

7. I noticed that it's like these couples have never talked before. They more often than not never wanted the same thing. He wants modern, she wants Victorian. She wants to live where you can walk everywhere, he wants to be in the country with no neighbors that you can see for miles. And boy do they fight. One couple annoyed me so much I never did see the ending because I had to flip off the channel or I'd have tracked her down just to slap her. She wanted a house hundreds of thousands over their budget. And since primarily it was his budget because she was still in school she should have just shut and been appreciative of a lot more. But of course not. At one point in a big old kitchen with an island that was updated in the last 5 yrs she said, "If I don't have 42" cabinets and an island then I will never cook." He responded with, "You mean you know how to cook and you've been holding out on me? all it will take is granite, 42" cabinets and an island" Then she said, "Well I'll spend more time in the room at least."  She also said over and over again that she better get a ring after this house. Men are so dumb if they can't see that after they put a ring on it, she is only going to be worse. I was screaming at the TV to him, RUN, RUN LIKE THE WIND!

8. They have no imagination at all. There was a couple who wanted a 3 bedroom home with an office. The realtor showed the couple a 4 bedroom home and no office. One bedroom was so small they made fun of the room and how it wouldn't fit a queen bed. The realtor said, "This would be a great office." She began to point out how and where things would go to make this work. You could see that they never ever thought of it. That floored me! I was yelling at the tv again saying, "make this your office! put your desk facing out to the beautiful yard so you have something to look at"  The realtor heard me because she told them the same thing. They were going to walk away because there was no office and they only wanted a 3 bedroom home. Idiots. This was also just a a few thousand under their budget. 

9. Lastly they say they want open concept, hardwood floors and suburbia. They buy a condo in center city that is nothing like what they said they wanted. After viewing a few hundred homes they changed course. I as the realtor who drove them around for those 100+ viewings would have just shot them, put them in the trunk of my car and buried them in the woods.

This is why I went to realty school and was never a realtor. I'd be biting my tongue so much it'd be bleeding.  Or I'd go to jail.