The Fun of Aging

You know how I bitch about getting older?

Well I’m at it again.
To those out there younger than me – and who isn’t? – trust me this is helpful.
Jot ‘em down.
No one told us any of this shit when I was growing up.
You were taught about your menstrual cycle or as my mom called it the Curse
You were taught where babies come from. End of story.
Anything else you were left in the dark to learn by trial and error and on your own.

Take Your Hormones
I believe that if most of my friends began bio-identical hormones in their 40’s they would have saved themselves depression, pain, anger, brain fog and a plethora of other things. Don’t wait until you are full blow menopausal. Peri-meno is time! Get a great doctor and talk about this. The women I have discussed this with who have done it in their 40’s are sleeping better, feeling better, not as anxious, feeling sexy again, less cranky etc. Why wouldn’t you want to use them? To me it’s like saying, “Yes I have debilitating cramps monthly but I don’t want anything to make it better.”  So good to be balanced!

Hair
Hair on your body becomes more stubborn and changes big time.
I have much less hair on my legs now and frankly I don’t mind this at all.
It’s soft and fine like baby hair not course or prickly or even dark anymore.
But the ones that show up under my chin have got to go!
Remember that lunch lady with the chin hairs and you’d think why the hell doesn’t she take care of that.
I’ll tell you why – SHE CAN’T SEE THEM.

Eye Sight
You know about reading glasses or bifocals but what is most important is your mirror.
Invest in a magnifying mirror.
You will not regret this investment when you are over 40.
I recall at 41 years old I was at a work conference in Denver.
We all met for a breakfast meeting the first morning after arrival.
Everyone was talking about their evening and their rooms etc.
Someone loudly began to ask, “Who the hell uses these 10x magnifying mirrors in these bathroom they are dreadful!?” Then the jokes started.
I was the only one who admitted to liking it (I was now wearing reading glasses) because I thought it was helpful.
Time has passed and now I admit that I can’t put on my makeup without it – it is no longer helpful, it is necessary damn it.
If I don’t have that mirror I will look like a clown.
Maybe that was Tammie Faye’s issue. She just needed a good mirror.
Lunch lady too.

Gravity
We all know about gravity.
You gals with little boobs thank whomever you believe in that you do.
Because the bigger they are the harder they fall.
I now have to put mine in my pockets.
What is that lump on the back of my thighs you ask?...Why it’s my ass.
I no longer like gravity. My jowls are trying to take over the real estate my breasts used to have. Maybe this is why you lose your eyesight – so you can’t see the mess you have become.
I recall the actual day my girls fell.  They were big but still pert at 41.
My hubby is a boob man.  As he and Seinfeld like to say, "why would I be a leg man I have legs."
My hubby and I were getting undressed for bed and I took the girls out of my bra and they literally fell. (He was across the bed facing me. )
I looked down and looked up and before I could say a thing he says, "Oh my God I remember when your nipples looked at me and not at my feet"
He apparently saw the look on my face and then begins to walk towards me with his hands out like he is about to grope me. 
"You are not touching the girls after that remark you ass."
Poor things have never gotten up again....without help.

Hair color
Even if I had my original hair color I bet it would be much less shiny and pretty than it was because really if everything else has broken down why would it want to hang around with all these old parts? I color and color and hate it and hate it.
But now the gray hairs in the furnace are really weird.
Do you know they have genital hair color? I so did not!
But while shopping for hair color for my head I saw “Betty Beauty for the hair color down there. Get your Betty Ready!”   Betty ready?  Oh my God.
I thought I hadn’t read it correctly so I picked up the box and sure enough that is what I read. What I found a hoot is that I could color my coochie pop hair pink, red, an array of colors. Just think of the options here. Red & Green for Christmas.  Maybe lavender for Easter. Highlights for summer. 
No need to go with that pesky task of trying to match the carpet with the drapes.
Bottom line a gray hair will appear there ladies and it is just the beginning.

Memory
What memory? I remember shit.
They say when you are menopausal the first thing to go are nouns.
This happens a lot in pregnancy as most know. 
However I seem to not remember anything these days.
You see there is a thing called a brain fog. (It happens with thyroid issues as well.)
But those are hormones and hormone controller’s too so it’s all connected.
So you can’t remember where the hell your keys are but by God you can still remember that your husband said such and such back in 1989 and it still pisses you off.
So it’s slow is what I am trying to say.
Brain fog is not like dementia, it’s just a brain fog.
You can’t remember things like you could before. It really sucks and no matter how much I work at puzzles and other brain games to keep it sharp it still seems to be a thing that happens and honestly I don’t much care for it.
There are days that I can’t remember if I have talked about something on the blog before.
I then literally will spend hours in archives so I am not repeating. Jeez.
So you have been warned.

Hearing
This is so cliché that it bugs me.
My father used to tell me that I would lose my hearing when I would put on my head phones and crank up my rock music so loud he could hear it too.
He was convinced this was my fate.
When I took sign language classes he told me good thing because I would need them some day. I would laugh and wave my hand at him in playful disgust.
When he got a hearing aid at 82 I asked if it was all that Led Zepplin he was listening to.
He called me a smart ass and told me to “just wait”
I guess the time has come. I can’t hear shit. I am scared actually about this.
I swear they are speaking lower on Grey’s Anatomy than any other show – I have such a hard time hearing that show.
My favorite show, In Treatment, is a double whammy for me.
The lead actor speaks low as well as having an accent.
I know I have the tv on very loud when I watch this but it’s the only way I can make out what he is saying.
Then there is my microwave.  My microwave has two beeps.
One type of beep is when something is done.
The other beep is when I set the timer and it goes off. I can hear the first beep.
The timer beep I can not hear – unless I am standing right there in front of it.
We do have some funny things happen around here since I can’t hear shit.
But most of the time it's just damn annoying.

Your male partner
Your man will go through all of this stuff too (including hormones, hair issues, hearing and memory) and they are in such denial about it all.
They have gravity – yep, their balls will fall.
That was such a big surprise to my husband that he asked his doctor.
His doctor laughed his ass off. But who knew?
Now Rick explains that is why my Uncle Bob sits so slowly, his balls are probably really low by now and he doesn’t want to sit on ‘em. That makes me laugh. Because he is probably correct.

For our friends 40th birthday party Rick wrote him a poem called Low Hanging Fruit. Our friend refused to believe this happens. He thought Rick was just being funny.
He’s over 42 now and he sadly knows that it does indeed happen and he's seen it for himself.

Don’t say you weren’t warned.