Bah-Humbug

I’ll start with the following: I know this will bring me the nasty comments – so be it,bring ‘em on.

I don’t like Christmas.

I have said it here before, it’s not my favorite holiday.
I suppose if I had little ones it all would be a bit different.
You see the excitement and joy in their faces and it can make everything happy.
But I don’t.

To me there is no excitement for this holiday in my house.

It started to get bad for me as an adult when it was no longer fun just pressure to buy and spend and have everything done a certain way and in a timely manner that pleases everyone else.
Each year I dreaded it more and more. Work was stressful at this time of year with contract deadlines that had to be met. Year end numbers that had to be met. Work travel at this time of year is pure hell. The deadlines, the winter weather delays in airports, the crowds.

I remember one year packing Christmas cards in my suitcase thinking I may get time to write out the cards in my hotel rooms so that they would arrive on time.
I never got to them, each and every night was work on a lap top or on the phone until I feel asleep at the hotel desk or lying across my bed.
The damn cards went to NYC, Chicago, Minneapolis and back home again – never having been finished in time to send so that they would arrive on time.

There was the year end work and then adding in the shopping that must be accomplished and the house that needs to be decorated and the food that must be purchased and the meals and parties that must be made and attended. It drove me crazy. I got nothing but stress and anxiety from it all. The gifts you must buy for people you don’t like because others at work are doing this, you can’t be the only one not giving. People you don’t like, like a neighbor that you have said, “please no exchanging of gifts this year, give if you must to a charity because we don’t need anything” but they never listen and tell you, “oh come on it’s fun and you have to reciprocate” No it’s not fun, I don’t care for you and I have to buy you something and spend time with you and I am too wussy to tell you to fuck off.

I began to hate this holiday with a passion. I longed for the time when it was a fun and a beautiful holiday for me. But consumerism drove it out of me. Can't I be 12 again and go back to all the famly fun without all the stress and obligations? The visits from my extended family and the twinkling lights that I did not have to put up? The smell of all cookies that I didn't have to bake just enjoy? The pulling of the sled as the family of cousins and aunts and uncles Christmas caroled. (the adults used the sled for carrying the hot toddies as we kids took turns pulling it.)
Now those days were fun.

I’ve told the story here before about me wanting to buy a menorah to keep the damn Stepford women from bugging me about our lack of out door decorating. (holidays)
I’m thinking I may need to resort to that again.

But this year it isn’t the damn women of the neighborhood, it isn’t the consumerism, it’s just life. I feel exhausted this year. Financially it has been a very difficult year for us. Very difficult. A juggling act. Stress can make you tired. There are times when I am scared. Times I am down right thankful that I still have a roof over my head. I don’t feel like a holiday right now. I don’t give a shit if I even put up a trees or string any damn lights or put a friggin’ wreath on the door. And yes, I know that it’s not a holiday about cookies, wreaths and lights but about something bigger than all of that. Yea, yea, yea. Well I am not completely sure I am buying into all of that either right now. (let the nasty comments begin)

The only thing I am looking forward to is making the southern recipe from Paula Deen for homemade egg nog. Oh it’s killer and it really does warm your heart and make you forget your problems! Because this year that is what I really want for Christmas….to forget for a little while.