Mommies and Me

I have come to realize there are really only 2 kinds of women.

Those that are mommies .......

and those that are not.....like me.

After my mom died I had to do all the motherly things for my sister.
My father is old school Italian American. That meant I am the oldest female in the house therefore it was now my job to do everything that my mother did for everyone. Didn’t matter that I was 13. It didn’t kill me but I didn’t love it either. But it made me independent rather early and it made me strong. And that ain’t a bad thing sister.

So I cleaned, did laundry, cooked and ironed and screwed things up and made my father crazy mad some days because things weren’t done “right” or dinner was late.

I had to help my sister with her homework, fix her hair and be sure I kept my grades up while doing it all.

So when my friends were dreaming of getting married and having babies I used to tell them this shit wasn’t fun. They longed for it. I wanted to run from it.

When my father remarried I was thrilled. I no longer had to do housework and care for everyone else’s needs. I wanted to be a selfish teenager. And man I got to. I loved my new step mom for taking all of that off my hands. I could do after school activities again and that was so wonderful to me. Cheerleading became my sanctuary. I didn’t have to rush home to cook, care for my sister etc. Whoopee, I get to be a kid again! My biggest worries now were making the squad, worrying about if Gary noticed me and straightening my already straight hair. Pure dribble and it was fantastic.

Then my step mom and dad had more kids. So I, being the oldest had to help with diapers etc.

I was the cheap babysitter as well. While I loved these new sisters I was not so thrilled with all this baby stuff like my friends were. The last one was born when I was 17 years old.

I wanted to go hang with my friends on a Saturday night but if my parents had plans there went mine out the window. I was the live in babysitter. Making faces at her and making her giggle, feeding her and bathing her and rocking her to sleep. While those memories now mean a lot to me I so wanted to run from that life.

So I used to dream of a career of travel in far away places and no kids. Well I soon got my wish. I worked in the travel industry. As I climbed the corporate ladder I traveled a great deal for work. I traveled even more for pleasure because I could travel for free or pretty damn cheaply.

While my friends were having children 1 of 2 things happened.
They either dropped me from their radar or they included me.
All but 2 of them stopped calling me or worse for me, never calling me back.
These 2 good friends included me in their lives no matter how different our lives were becoming. We always remained friends.

When included I loved being the great “aunt” who brought them fun things from different places. Who sent them postcards from places that they had never heard of or seen. I was the person who added spoons from around the world for her daughter’s collection. I could play for hours with play dough and make it into jewelry that tickled her daughters. I could make my friend’s son go into fits of giggles at how scared I got of his pig as it got bigger and bigger. I was the best with lego’s with another friend’s son. He would call me just to tell me what he built. We were city planning for heaven’s sake. It was fabulous and I loved every one of them and spoiled them with love, imagination and of course things mom and dad wouldn’t let them have like ice cream one time for breakfast or cake late at night when they all should have been in bed. (hey that’s what an “aunt” is for!)

Some now are in their 20’s and we still email and keep in touch. They all know I am a soft place to fall. I am a refuge when needed and when sometimes family just won’t do. We share secrets and unless necessary never tell mom and dad. Sometimes mom and dad must know so I tell the kids that I have to tell but for some reason hearing it from me is easier than their parents.

I get that. And I love that role. I have the easy job, their parents have the tough job.

I have listened to a friend’s daughter and allowed her to run here. All the while keeping mom informed and that her daughter was safe and would see herself home that I’d be sure of it. It worked like a charm.

But most friends dropped me like a hot potato and I never understood why.
As I got older I noticed this ugly pattern continue to thrive.
I’d go to a party and begin chatting with the women and they would ask me if I had children. I would say no I don’t. Most would just turn their backs to me right immediately. Others would say, “oh I’m so sorry” like I wasn’t able to bear children and I would get a look of sympathy and before I could correct the assumption they had either walked away or turned their backs to me.
But all would never ever think to include me in their conversations or life.

I know the ages and what goes on and what to expect at each one. Remember I raised some sisters. I can talk about it and understand it and be sympathetic as well. I was there in the trenches for colic, feedings in the middle of the night, potty training, 1st days of school, homework, dance classes, cuts, bruises, and kisses to make it all better etc. I taught one to ride a bike and another to enjoy nature. I am the oldest of 5. I did it all. I can relate. Just because I choose not to have any of my own doesn’t mean I’m a virus.

It happened just the other day at a neighborhood (subdivisions) summer party. I was standing with all the mommy’s and they asked if Rick and I had children. I said that Rick has a daughter but she is 29 now so she doesn’t live with us. This woman turned her back to me and continued her conversation like I was no longer there. I felt silly just standing there while they circled the estrogen field. So I said, “Well, it was nice to meet you too” and walked over to the men. Don't think they even heard me or saw me leave.

The men let me jump right in. They were talking baseball and football. I know nothing of football and really don’t care to but I can hang with the boys when it comes to baseball. I felt more comfortable there. Then they went on to business. Again they didn’t poo-poo me but allowed me to be a part of their club and conversations. They even acted like they wanted to hear my answers when they asked me questions! Wow. Real conversation. Why can't my own gender do that with me?

Later I saw a few more mommy’s and tried again. I asked the ages of their kids & what schools they attended. They told me and I probed some more with activities etc. I asked if they were using the pool and going to family dive in movie night. Some didn’t know about dive in movie night. (Yea, and I’m the idiot with no kids) I explained the family dive in movie night and this woman listens to me tell her about how fun it is. (I took a visiting niece last year) And she immediately turned to her friends and began to tell them about this function with all this excitement and walked away from me. They did not ask me anything about me. It was all them all the time. I heard it all. I continued to ask and listen and tried to fit in. It didn’t work. The more women that arrived the more they all circled each other and left me out.

I don’t for the life of me get this. It really angers me. In the early 70’s didn’t we fight so we could have choices? Then why are some choices treated as though you are less of a woman? Yes, I am a feminist! OH NO....The horror!

I believe we are damn lucky there were radicals to fight for your right to have choices. My poor mother had no such opportunity. She would have loved a career but instead was told she was a woman and her choice was to be a wife and mother or an old maid. Nice choices there huh? If your choice is to be a mommy that doesn't make you better or worse. That was just YOUR CHOICE.

So to all you mommy’s who read me, THANK YOU !

To all the mommy’s out there who ignore we women who don’t have children – SNAP OUT OF IT.

We with no children are not contagious! We have a lot to offer in friendship and babysitting services. Ah ha! You never thought of that now did you?

Who better to babysit while you're out for an evening with your hubby?....or a weekend away?

A 16 yr old kid that you have to pay or a friend who would love every waking minute of it because she knows eventually they go home?