I know it's been a while since I've been here.
Things are out of whack right now.
It seems that finally, all that shit, the move, stroke, chemo, surgeries, pain, and caregiving is all over. I just fell into a puddle.
I have no energy, no motivation, no real pleasure in anything.
Not my typical Type A personality. I think it's called depression.
But I will work my way out of this.
I don't like it here. For a woman who is a bit of a control freak, I don't like that I can't fix or control this. But I'm gonna sure try. Where did this come from? Why now? It's going to be brighter, I know it. Please?
In the meantime, I've got a husband who does all he can to make me laugh.
I honestly thought I hid it well. But this man knows me sometimes better than I know myself. He doesn't like "quiet Margaret/Peggy" It freaks him out he said to me yesterday. I did laugh at that.
Sunday at lunchtime, he wanted to go to our favorite fruit and veggie stand.
It is on a farm. Attached to this place is an awesome ice cream shop.
I LOVE their orange sherbet and vanilla shake. I have been known to only go to the ice cream shop, which is 100% different than Rick. He prefers the veggies and fruits. To me, that is just damn weird.
We walked around the stand, and after we paid, Rick grabbed the bags out of my hand. I asked what he was doing. He said, "I'll put them in the car and we can get a sherbet/vanilla shake."
"I really don't want one, Rick. I'm sorry."
He puts his palm on my forehead and asks, "Who are you and what did you do with my wife?" He got a smile, and he just sighed.
Later that evening, we talked about this.
I get it, he's worried about me.
He reminds me he doesn't know what is on TV at any given time and needs to ask what channel. I can't live without you, he says. Who would do all my medications, I could die. You don't want that on your head, do you? Besides how will I be able to drive anywhere without your co-piloting skills? How will I know when I do anything wrong?
I admit he was making me chuckle.
What can I do to help you?
I told him to not take this personally if I am withdrawn and quiet. Hug me and be patient. This feels like it did before my thyroid was diagnosed. I'm just off. If I'm not out of this soon, I will see Dr. Alison, fair? He agreed.
So please bear with me.
I'm still reading y'all.
20 comments:
big hugs you have been through a lot!!
We're all pulling for you too! I hope that dark cloud dissipates and you feel better and more energized soon.
It would be more weird if, after all you've been through in the past few years, you *weren't* having some mood swings and depression. You've been hit with a LOT. You have my email. I'd be happy to give you my phone number, too. ((Hugs)))
Was noticing your absence. Wishing you rest and restoration. Olivia
Yes, talk to your doctor, please.
Hang in there! No pressure, but I need your posts.
We'll be here when you come back. Feel better soon!
You have been through so much. Get a lot of sleep. Don't worry, you'll get your mojo back.
Sorry life has been so tuff for you guys. I can certainly understand why it has used up everything that normally kept you going. I have faith that you will find your way back out of this hole.
I am facing a recent diagnosis, Parkinsons. It has been a long time developing in retrospect. I am now reading and getting ready for future possibilities. No day is a surprise.
Oh, Peg…I think most of us have at least touched shoulders with depression…but that is no consolation when you are IT. Do whatever you need to do and try to keep in mind how many people love you. You are so lucky that Rick understands you so well. That IS why you chose him, isn’t it? 😘
The way he reacted to you not wanting an ice cream shake is both funny and heartbreaking because you can tell how much he loves and worries about you.
I'm glad you both had that talk and that he's giving you the space and understanding you need. Be gentle with yourself. You've earned a moment to just be.
By the way, I just put up a new post. Feel free to check it out at www.melodyjacob.com.
Considering all you've been through these last few years - years! - it's pretty amazing you've kept it together as well as you have. All that piling on understandably messes with motivation, energy, mood.
I'm cheering you on from afar! Maybe there is some undiagnosed "chemical" source. Either way, I'm glad the two of you have each other.
Sometimes there's a physical cause for depression---hormones get out of wake when your body's is dealing with one trauma after another and a short round of mild anti-depressants can help. Hope you are talking with your doctor about how you're feeling.
You know Peg, Everyone feels like that once i awhile. I've felt like that many times but you get back on the horse and then you'll feel better.
Cruisin Paul
Sending positive vibes your way. You've been through alot. Give yourself some quiet time. Be sure to reach out if you need a hand.
Vitamin D deficiency can cause depression. Just what you want - another medical test.
I think you must be resetting. That can be tough to do, especially with all the challenges (or perhaps shit show is a better description) you've experienced.
Everyone handles things differently. I tend to cling to friends and family. Sometimes that really helps, and sometimes not.
I finally started taking anti-depressants and it has really helped. I can handle things that used to make me anxious and worried ~ I couldn't sleep.
I can see from the comments here, you have lots of support and love from this little online community. You are unique, and a fabulous story telller. We need you!
Peggy, I'm catching up reading your blog (I have no idea why I never get notified when you post) thank you for helping me feel not alone in battling depression. I am going through an extremely difficult time & find things that used to bring joy just make me sad but like you I'll find my way through & today reading your blog is helping ❤
Hi Karen. I'm so sorry you too are dealing with this. I highly recommend staying away from the news. It will only make things worse. :-) If you ever need to chat, you've got my email. Sometimes we can't say all we want here so feel free to drop me a line. Misery loves company my mom used to say. Seriously, take care of you. I am finding that is essential. I don't do enough of that and I hope you do. ((hugs))
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