I have been a real Debbie Downer this week, haven't I?
I think I will let the bummer blog continue for another day.
I want to talk to you all about something that is going on with me.
My mom died when I was 13.
For the 3 years prior to her death, she was sick.
I put on a brave face as I was asked to do.
I put on a brave face when I got a new mom.
I put on a brave face when I was unhappy and wanted so desperately to talk to someone.
I put on a brave face when no one talked about my mom, it was like she vanished and that was that. Life went on.
I thought I handled it well frankly.
My sister walked around telling everyone her mother died and that was her excuse for everything and anything.
Her M.O. was - Bad behavior, sad face, my mother died. Everyone gave her sympathy and a free pass.
Yep, she still does it at age 59. She does it so much she used the line on me. The look on her face when I said, "Oh really? I didn't know, I'm sorry to hear that." It hit her then that she says it so much she forgot who she was talking to. But she couldn't recover and it just pissed me off.
Everyone has shit in their lives. You can't go around pissing and moaning about it. You're no more special than the kid down the street who's father may beat him. We all have to deal with stuff, that is called Life. We can be pissy, moan and bitch or suck it up, do the work and make yourself a good life. I thought that was what I was to do.
Suddenly as an older person, I am dealing with some of that.
It's like I hit a wall.
I suppose if I went and talked to someone they would tell me to purge it.
But what am I purging exactly?
How my father and all other adults wouldn't talk about? How we were expected to just go on, she's dead, you're alive, live.
I've sure done that here. I know I've told you about her telling me she was dying and how dad would remarry etc. It is buried here in my archives all that purging. I also did a long 3 part post on how it made me feel a couple years back when I had to look through all this shit from the funeral. How angry it made me. Why hasn't this anger gone away? Why does it bubble up from time to time?
I have forgiven my Dad. He did the best he knew how. As the Maya Angelou saying goes, "When you know better you do better."
I sure don't feel that way about my father day to day so it surprised me.
I don't ever want to hold onto anger, it's not who I am or want to be.
Then I think, okay, I just vented I don't feel any better.
I wonder why this is bubbling up now? That is my question today.
Have you found as you have aged, what you thought were small things have reared their heads? If so how did you handle it? Is it because I didn't deal with it as I should have that this is coming up? And how should I have dealt with it? A lot of shit is coming back to me now at age 62.
I don't want to deal with negative shit for my last 20 or so years. That is not who I am. So I am befuddled on this one.
Any smart/wise men or women out there got an answer?
I promise to be back to smart ass Peg soon.
20 comments:
Events like that are called "significant emotional events (SEE)". We had to take a course at the phone company years ago presented (video) by Morris Massey. Here is a quick explanation of a SEE.
http://neuroalchemist.com/2016/03/03/significant-emotional-events/
And if you really want to read more on this, a guy did a thesis on SEE's. This downloads his 100-page thesis... https://ir.library.oregonstate.edu/downloads/wd3761253
As for me, it doesn't take much of a trigger to have something from the past pop into my head.
I'm certainly not smart/wise on these matters. Since I've recently met you, I didn't know your mom died when you were so young. It's heartwrenching to me, and I can only imagine how different life would have been for me if I'd lost my mom in a similar way. I won't do the {{HUGS}} thing because it likely doesn't help.
Maybe I'll check out Mike's link too. Meanwhile, blog whatever you want.
Hey thanks Mike. I've got some reading to do.
Abby, ah, check out the link in this post for the 3 part story of my mom and her death if you want to know more. And hugs whether virtual or in person are always welcome my friend. :-)
No good advice here, but you are allowed to feel bad and sad about things past!
Hugs and hugs from chilly far away
Hi Jade. Long time no "see" And back at ya ((hugs))
My theory is usually we're able to brush old hurts and wounds aside that we've worked through and accepted. But then a memory is triggered at a time when we're already down for some other reason and it's easy for our emotions to get overloaded. Doesn't mean you haven't properly dealt with these issues years ago, doesn't mean you won't find your sunny self again. It just means you need to breathe and allow yourself some grumbling time. You are only human and you'll find what it takes to work your way back to a place where you want to be.
I've been thinking about this a lot lately (but more from the standpoint of what will my kids remember. Will things I've handled poorly rear their heads when they're older and they hate me anew (if they wind up hating me)). It started when my mother became ill and my father suggested I visit her. Um, I haven't talked to her since last December and she lives less than a half hour away. And THEN real memories started to surface about why that is and yup, still mad.
Jean, I hope you are right. :-)
Arnebya, You have such a great relationship it appears with your children. I am certain if you keep talking to them it will all be fine. We always hate our parents at some point but generally, we all come around. Then again your mom situation is something that is still there but would you do to your children what she did to make you this mad? If the answer is no, you'll be fine.
sometimes it doesn't occur to us to be hurt or angry in the moment, because it's Just Too Much.
and then later it seems like Old News, and then one day you're minding your own business and it comes up and smacks you in the head.
how you feel is how you feel. you have a right to your feelings. you are valid.
you've chosen not to behave badly because of your circumstances and it doesn't make you weak or bad if you have feelings, even all this time later.
sometimes things just suck.
have a glass of wine. eat some chocolate, have a nap. be kind to yourself and later on you'll feel better.
All those times of putting on a brave face were really about stuffing the anger somewhere out of sight. It's only natural that what has not been dealt with will resurface. I think it is okay for you to forgive yourself, maybe for not grieving enough? For not honoring your mother's memory? Someone should have told you your mother will always be with you. If you listen very carefully, it just could be that your angst is trying to tell you your mother knows and understands so let it go.
That's my woowoo take on things.
flask you hit on something. I was too busy doing everything my mom did. taking care of dad, my sister, feeling like Cinderella but it had to be done. I grieved silently but never really had a mourning period per se. Maybe that is why it smacked me in the head. And your Rx prescription is indeed going to be taken. :-)
Olga, You bring up some good points. I never thought I didn't honor my mother, but an interesting take that I will certainly think about now.
Your first paragraph pretty much describes what happened to me though I was 16. I didn't have anger but guilt. I was at the rebellious teenage years and really resented my Mom. That was the guilt I carried and it wasn't till I learned those feelings are pretty normal did I learn to forgive myself. When I did, my life fell into order. Don't know if you are feeling guilt but I do sense you need to forgive yourself or someone else. Forgiveness can let the sunshine in.
Arkansas Patti - I'm sorry you lost your mom.
I don't have guilt about any of it. I loved my mom and we were inseparable through her life. I don't have guilt about my anger for my father either. But I need to shake the anger. I thought I had, but apparently not. :-)
Probably a bit of depression and that makes you think about it? Along with the other people close to you who have recently passed away.
You've seen my vents lol. Same shit always comes back up and makes me so angry.
Julie, that is what Rick asked me about too. I don't feel depressed. Yea shit comes back up and I need to keep kicking it to the curb. :-)
I have become more introspective lately. Many things from my past have always haunted me. It's not a refusal to forgive, either, although no one gets to decide for me how I should feel.
Although the things people say about holding on to anger etc really are a way of minimizing the feelings of the victims. Acting like what you went through is no big deal, regardless of how big or little those things are in comparison to others. We're all entitled to feel however we feel and no one has the right to tell us otherwise.
I find that taking those memories out and examining them helps, I can see more..nuances in those situations. Being able to analyze what happened and how it affected me is actually a good thing.
In my opinion. :)
"Forgive and forget"... nope. I'm not Jesus and I don't have Alzheimer's.
Interesting Ami. I can forgive and move on if for no other reason self-preservation. But I don't ever forget. And I don't hold grudges. That's like drinking poison and expecting others to hurt from it. We all have to deal how we deal right?
Adults often act like children can bend any which way the wind blows. From what I've read in your blog, mistakes were certainly made but they were not made in meanness. I wish there were more outlets for parents to learn how to help the children handle major tragedies. One thing I learned from working at the psychologist office, there are parents out there trying to do a better job. Unfortunately, most parents don't have the money or ability to attend or receive help.
Barbara I am in agreement with you. My father did the best he knew how. He had no father so he never saw a father figure. He also thought "shielding" me would make me forget and we all know that didn't happen. His other demanding ways in later years soften, I was just lucky to be his first born and got his wrath. :-)
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