Last breath

I heard Dr. Oz say just the other day that a persons last breath before dying can be comforting to most…..to hear their last breath and see them go peacefully after watching them struggle in life with disease.

I have had loved ones pass.
You don’t normally get to this age without it unfortunately.
But I have never been there when it occurred.
Their last breath.

The last time I saw my mom she seemed like she was getting well to me.
I was at the hospital with my father and my mom’s sister was there as well.
I remember Mom talking this day. That was great to me.
She was saying to me in this new low raspy voice that was barely audible (cancer spread to her voice box too) that she couldn’t wait for the baby to come.
She put her hand on my cheek and asked if I was ready for my new sister to come home.

I was confused and all of a sudden it felt off kilter and awful all at once.
I looked at my father and my aunt for comfort and the look on their face was panic.
I asked mom what she was talking about I have a sister named Pam.
(Pam is 3 years younger and at 10 they would not allow her into the hospital)
She laughed and said “No, Pam was just born but tomorrow she’ll be going home with all of us.
Are you excited Peggy?”

I began to cry. I was so confused. Why is she talking crazy shit like this?
I remember my Aunt escorting me out of the hospital room.
She took me to her house where Pam was until Dad came over to pick the two of us up.
I kept asking why Mom was saying those things. She stared straight ahead driving.
She finally told me that the Dr’s gave her too much medication and it just made her confused. Dad will take care of it with the doctor.

Note to self, I will never lie to a kid ever!
While she wasn’t lying 100% I wish she had said, “Your mom’s cancer has spread through her whole body now Peggy. They are giving her a lot of medicine so she doesn’t feel the pain and that medicine can sometimes make you confused…even goofy. But now she doesn’t hurt anymore.”
Or damn it something closer to the truth.
That would have made 13 year old me feel better. I knew she may die. I say may because that was what I could only say at age 13. Even though she knew she was dying I kept saying she may. I couldn’t make it permanent.

But deep down I knew it so just say it for heaven’s sake.
What are you protecting me from?
Mom had already talked to me about not coming home before she left for the hospital that last time. She already told me that Dad would probably marry someone and be kind to her. Mom had given me “that talk” so I knew it deep down so just say it damn it!

I was so pissed at my father and aunt after that.
They would not allow me to go see my mom after my outburst.
I was pissed at myself too. I blew it by being so upset.

My Aunt told me many many years later that on Mom’s last day alive while she was visiting her Mom actually sat up and spoke. No one had seen her sit up right in months. She hasn’t spoken in weeks prior. I wished I could have been there. She died shortly after, like minutes.

I wonder if I had heard and seen her last breath would that have comforted me or haunted me?
For years as a kid I wished I could have been there that last day.
Hug her one more time, hold her hand, to kiss her. Anything.
I know my father thought it was best to shield me but I just don’t think so.
If your spouse or loved one passed do you really think it would be better to not be there?
Sure it is painful but so is life. Would you rather not see it and not deal with it?
Or be by their side and witness it all. Painful but maybe comforting.