Hit Me Like a Ton of Bricks

You know you go along with your life knowing that you are aging and changing.
It sucks, you move on. But over the holiday weekend it hit me like a ton of bricks....and it hurt like hell.

It happens slowly and then BAM - it actually hits you all at once.

You hit 40 and you realize to put the “girls” in the bra you have to lift them a bit. Your husband makes jokes and you think to yourself, “Well it can’t get any worse than this.”
Ah, such a naïve young person.

Your eyes aren’t what they used to be and while putting on makeup you realize that you can’t see your eyes without your bifocals. Then you can’t get to your eyes with bifocals on and then you take them off and poke yourself in the eye and it becomes a viscous ugly painful cycle.

Damn it to hell you need that mirror you just used in a hotel room. C’mon, you know the one. The one where on the business trip everyone on your sales team came down at breakfast and remarked how horrifying that mirror was and no one should look into that thing....who actually would use such a thing they scream? Oh yeah, that same mirror that you just used that morning while murmuring to yourself, “hello honey I’m taking you home with me.” The one that made you feel euphoric that you could see to put on your makeup again. If you could get this off the wall and not get in trouble it’d be in your suitcase so fast that your eyelashes would curl who the hell you kidding? This wonderful new mirror you have discovered is the only thing that will now help you to put on your makeup and insure you don’t end up looking like Tammy Faye Baker. So you go out and buy yourself that 10x magnifying mirror and have your hubby mount it to the bathroom wall while he laughs and makes fun of his old wife. You just wait you bifocal-less ass, it’ll be your turn soon and we’ll see how you like it.

But after the euphoria over the new mirror settles in you find that you can not only now see your eyes well enough to put on your makeup without bifocals, but you can see EVERYTHING. It’s not pretty....what has time done to me? Your husband tells you he thinks you’re adorable and pretty. Dumb ass. I know he’s a year older than me what the hell can he see anyways?

It happened overnight. Those friggin' age fairys that replaced the tooth fairy find you. You find you have to lift your eye lid to get that shadow on and you suddenly realize that dear Lord your eyes have fallen since yesterday. Is there nothing that won’t fall? OMG how I hate Sir Isaac Newton. Okay I have to admit it could be worse - I just saw a woman at Target who had tanned leather saggy knees, I thank God I don’t have those.....that’s gross.....well not yet anyways.

You walk by a mirror one day and do a double take because you wonder who the hell is that in the mirror? It literally shocks you. Not an exaggeration but a true, Who the fuck is that staring back at me and what the fuck did they do to my face? It’s like a terrible accident. You want to stare but you look away because you don’t like it one bit. I heard about this one from my step mom....I laughed at her because she didn’t look that different to me. I am not laughing now, oh no anything but laughing. (sob, sob, wail, moan, weep, scream.)

People tell you all the time that you don’t look your age and it feeds your ego. You idiot you believed them. Liars, liars, pants on fire! All of them. Don’t they know I have mirrors? Mirrors that magnify you 10x? My husband repeats his mantra to me to try “growing old gracefully.” Until a hot chick called him Sir....Now that was funny to me until........

We are sitting in a very nice bar over the 4th of July down at the lake. We are having a hoot with the very friendly and witty “Fergie” the bartender. She and I are sharing stories about cocktail recipes and I tell her I actually have a section in my recipe box called FAVORITES. I store all my drink recipes there...of course doesn’t everybody? The kid next to me leans over and says, “Yeah, when her grandkids come over Grandma makes them Bahama Mama’s instead of chocolate chip cookies.” Laughter ensues at the bar....but all I heard was GRANDMA. OUCH! OH. MY. GOD.!!!!

I spent the next 2 days hearing that over and over again in my head. Here I am 5 days later still stinging from it. I don’t have children. I don’t have grandkids but yet I could be a mom and a grandmother I suppose. So why does this sting so?

Saggy boobies, droopy eyelids, failing vision and slower energy levels didn’t hit me like this. This was a ton of bricks. Like it all happened at once. The bandaid was ripped off. No more delusions. No more lies. No more believing all those people who say you only look (insert favorite number) The wind is out of my sails now.

July 4th, 2008 I became a grandma without ever having children. I may have to take to my bed for a few weeks....with gin. Or maybe I should be buying some sensible shoes, baking cookies and smelling like menthol pain rub. Ha, my luck that scent will become a new aphrodisiac for my hubby. Oh I have to go have a good cry now.
OH. MY. GOD. I. AM. OLD.