Thursday, March 31, 2011


As is my custom on Wednesday's I read Craig Wilson's weekly column featured in the USA Today called Final Word.

His story spoke about the new parent doll.
Not only the creepy factor but do we really want our kids walking around with a doll with our face and voice telling the kid what to do? 
Personally I say, "give the kid a damn break"
I would never have wanted my parents yakking at me all the time.
I would've performed surgery on the damn doll to remove the vocal chords.

In the column he had the idea of an Uncle Doll
The author says he taught his nieces and nephews a lot of things their parents would never tell them. Fun things, gross things and silly things like whoopee cushions. The typical Uncle type things.

That made me laugh because Rick did the same things.
Rick taught my nieces and nephews disgusting things.
Our first niece and he are extremely close. I did girly things with her like dance classes as she was growing up and then lunch or shopping.  But Uncle Rick she adores!!  He told her spooky stories and grossed her out. She would squeal and immediatly come back for more.

One afternoon he and my niece were discussing terms for going to the bathroom.
I am not even sure how old she was but she was under 12.
Number 2
Pinch a loaf
Take a dump
...that gross kind of thing. 

I hear this from the other room and come in and ask, "What in the hell are you two talking about?"  They burst into laughter as Rick winks at my niece.
When I ask Rick if this is what a grown up does my niece answers, "C'mon Aunt Peggy it's funny.  Look at how many I've got on my list already."  as she holds out her yellow legal pad. I did not ask why one would make such a list, I just shook my head and went back to what I was doing. This is most definitely their thing.
I suppose in the big scheme of things this isn't so bad.

Most recently after this same niece turned 21 we called the next day to wish her a happy birthday. She went out the night before and was feeling miserable. They talked about the dangers of mixing cocktails (wine & beer for example) He explained that no matter what anyone tells you there really is no such thing as a remedy for a hangover. He discussed the need for a greasy breakfast and why it tastes so good after a night of drinking. (basically he feels one must skip the oatmeal with a hangover) Go for the burger or greasy home fries etc.
It was a 3 way call but I mostly listened to these two laugh and talk about drinking. Great adults examples we are.

When she went off to her 1st year of college Uncle Rick bought her the book, "He's just not that into you"  He wanted her to not waste the pretty on a jerk.  She called when she finished that book so they could talk about it.  I heard him telling her things that made me cringe a bit but she looks up to him and thinks he's cool so what harm did it do to hear it from someone she loved?  And it was great advice. 

Uncle Rick talked to her about the dangers of putting your drink down at a party or bar. Get your own drinks he would say.  He talked to her about standing up for yourself, self defense and the like.  Over the years he has been the go to guy for my nieces when it comes to boys and yes, even sex.  Oh there have been good educational talks but it's true they come to Uncle Rick for fun, plain old silly fun.  Like picking on Aunt Peg. They do that well.

Then every once in awhile there is heartbreak and the serious talk. 
Recently the above niece had her first big love and subsequent break up and thankfully Uncle Rick was just a crying phone call away.
I heard him explain the effects of father time on her broken heart.

Listening to them talk about her broken heart just about broke mine.

Wednesday, March 30, 2011

It's Almost Here.....

Some random things that are rolling around in my head.

**I know most who come here don't care.
But too bad, she says oh so compassionately.

Thursday is opening day.
I plan to have a TV on in my office, somehow, someway.
And just in case the customers call to interrupt a great play or some awesome commentary (now that's funny) I will also DVR this.
Honestly, I live for this stuff as they say.
I get butterflies in my stomach!

**I don't watch Dancing with the Stars but last night when I turned on the television I saw a bit of it before I changed the channel. I saw Wendy Williams and I don't understand how she doesn't fall forward and why she would do this to herself. She chose that size chest. Why?  why? why?

**Is anyone else noticing that food prices have gone through the roof?  Or it is just me?
Last evening I went to the grocery store and didn't buy meat just a few staples and it was almost $200. I did get beer for Rick which was the only thing that was unnecessary. Fruit & vegetable costs were through the roof.  I can't imagine what I would do if I had children, especially teenage boys. I buy no processed foods and my hubby thinks that is the issue. real food costs more. I think the prices have just gone way up of late. No, this was not Whole Foods. Just my local grocery store chain.

**The owners of the home right next door to us are under water on their mortgage. Meaning they owe the bank more than the home is actually worth now. So instead of selling they have been renting it. It has been an interesting group of people who have moved next door.
The current folks are moving out today.  They were having a new home built over the last year so they had to rent while their home was being completed.  We are not sorry to see them go.  While the sign was out front to rent, the parade of people going in and out were amusing if I didn't have to live next door to them. There were some that got out of the car and I prayed they weren't going to be my neighbors.  (Yes, I am a terrible person) One van pulled up and 10 people got out of the vehicle and went into the home. It's only a 3 bedroom home and only 2300 sq ft how could 10 people live there? It should be interesting to see who our new neighbors are. They are renting the home for $2,300.00/mo. so I imagine with 10 people that makes it pretty cheap. However there are laws about that many adults/families living in one home here. So legally could this realtor show these folks the home?  Maybe it was a field trip my husband says. That made me laugh. Who knows what will happen. It is always "interesting" to say the least.

**Is it wrong to be over 8 yrs old and adore Elmo?

**Am I crazy that I think giving a little girl a doll to breastfeed is insane? Have you seen this breastfeeding doll? I think I am missing something here.

**Do you think it’s wrong to not think all babies are cute and that some really do look like Yoda?

**Is it wrong to wish Karma worked a tad bit faster?

Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Do we really need to know?

Do you remember when you would go to the movies and didn’t really know the actors/actresses?  Do you remember a time when you watched a television show and you knew nothing of your favorite characters real life but just liked them for their talents?

We could just get lost in the characters they portrayed. The actors/actresses became their characters. People thought John Wayne was just like he was in all his movies. People thought Doris Day was just like her characters, virginal and sweet. It just didn’t matter that she had children, and was divorced. She was still virginal like her movies. (My father swore to this!) You loved the brat pack before you knew their drug problems, saw their sex tapes or knew all about their episodes of depression, drugs and rehabs. You just loved the characters they played and you could relate to those characters. Your love of their movies wasn’t skewed by their personal life. 

With all this “needed” technology, 24/7 news cycle and the need to know everything about everyone we all know way too much. TMZ is everywhere. Our newspapers feed us with gossip, celebrities and people who want to be famous for the sake of being famous.

I really don’t need to know all this stuff. And truth be told it ruins my movie watching.
I want their PR people to keep it all out of the papers and make their celebrities behave.
When I was younger I thought there was no harm in it but I feel differently today.
I have noticed that knowing all of the things we know or see them do really does affect if I will watch them or not.

I think of this in terms of books as well. I love to read. If I knew everything about a certain author would I no longer read his or her books? Possibly, I admit. I read a very thorough autobiography of Louisa May Alcott. I admit I didn’t read it for a long time because I was worried that if she turned out to be a horrible person I was going to be so disappointed and how I feel about Little Women etc would be shaped differently. It shouldn’t make a difference but it would to me. Thankfully it made me love her books all the more. Not sure why I do this these people are human beings. I don’t expect them to be perfect but I also don’t want them to be Cruella de Vil either. I find David Sedaris to be hysterically funny so don’t tell me anything about him that any of you may know. If I heard he was mean to bunnies and kicked puppies I would be heartbroken.
I like my version of this quirky smart man that lives in my mind and I wish to keep it that way.

As actresses go I have always loved Katherine Hepburn. If I found out that she was mean, unkind, kicked dogs, was malicious or stood for everything I hold dear it would most definitely make me look at her differently and perhaps not make me want to watch her movies or watch her in anything. Whether right or wrong that unfortunately would be the case for me.

How many times in the old days did affairs happen on set? I would say many, many, many more than we know. Thankfully we didn’t know. When I saw Mr & Mrs Smith all I could think of was Brad and Angelina falling in lust during that movie and subsequently Brad leaving Jennifer. I didn’t need to know that. It ruins the whole movie experience for me because I am watching them as opposed to watching the movie.

This was the same for me with Tom Cruise. I never really loved him as an actor. Never thought he was all that and a bag of chips as most women. I don’t care for short men so he was never that "hunk" to me. However, I didn’t recoil when I knew he was in the movie as I do now. I liked Top Gun and Jerry McGuire. Now I only see a smug pompous ass. So I don’t enjoy his movies anymore. If I hadn’t seen him go off on people about his religion or jump on Oprah’s sofa or blast Matt Lauer things would be different. So if he is in a movie chances are I won’t go. I can’t see him as a character now but just as Tom Cruise in a movie. I want to get lost again in the whole movie. I miss that.

Another example is Mr Donald Trump. Before he had to shoot off his misogynist mouth, fight with everyone, give his unwarranted opinion on everyone and everything I really had no thoughts about him. None. I only knew him as some real estate “guy” with a bad comb over who purses his lips like he is sucking lemons and has a strange orange tint to his face. But because I have to endure the 24/7 news cycle he is everywhere. So the more I see the more I know I do not like him. I will never watch a show he is on, even if he is only a guest on my favorite show. I have a very strong dislike for this man now.

I do not watch Celebrity Apprentice but it was actually in two newspapers I read.
The Washington Post and USAToday. I should have moved on and read real news but I didn’t. So this is my issue because I looked directly at the train wreck instead of taking the high road. It appears that (allegedly) Dionne Warwick is a real big witch with a capital B.
The comments of other celebrities on the show about her were horrific. Could they all be wrong? My goodness these stories were crazy. I think my mouth actually dropped open as I read some of the things she did and said. I was horrified and quite frankly shocked. I only knew her as a popular singer in the 70’s and the Aunt of Whitney Houston. I would have described her before reading this as a classy quiet singer from the 70’s. So now instead of being known for a great singer I see her as a very mean spirited diva who is crazy nuts and devious. I didn’t need that. She didn’t either if she wanted to continue to sell records.

Because of this I understand full well why some public figures would prefer to keep their opinions to themselves about everything that doesn’t have to do with their work. So the next time a celebrity says in an interview when asked a question, “I’m sorry that topic is off limits because it is my personal life.” I will respect them even more. I want to continue to like them so I hope they can learn to keep quiet and only talk about their book, movie, tv show or music. That is all I need from my celebrities.

Anyone come to mind for you that you loved but as more layers were revealed they make you cringe and you no longer can even enjoy their work?

Monday, March 28, 2011

Silly Stuff

I really enjoy Steve Martin. As he has aged he has evolved. He's not as silly thank goodness.
I have really enjoyed his books and his spots on Letterman always make me smile.

I saw him during his "Let's Get Small" comedy tour.
I don't remember the exact year but I am guessing this was around 1977. 
It was before his first movie, The Jerk.

He came on stage in a white suit, he had his banjo, he put an arrow through his head and had "happy feet".
He showed a short film before he came on stage with Terri Garr and Buck Henry.
The movie was called 'The Absent Minded Waiter.'
I remember everyone in this enormous stadium going crazy over this film.
I re watched this film awhile ago on you tube and while it was cute I realized our humor has come a long way. Or possibly it was because in 1977 there may have been some smoking of some kind that made this hilarious. In that era he was the first of his kind. He didn't stand and tell traditional jokes so I think that was the appeal of his humor. He was different and so silly dressed as an adult male. It wasn't like he was a man child a.k.a. Pee Wee Herman.  
But he was a silly naive adult.  At that time there was no one before him that behaved this way.  There was nothing better than he and Gilda Radnor on SNL back in the day.

I saw him on Letterman a few weeks ago and he performed his song, "Atheists have no songs"  Oh my goodness did this song make me laugh out loud.

I was concerned someone would be offended if I listed it here but the more I thought about it I realized how can you possibly be?  It's just a fact.  If you believe in God then you know atheist don't have any songs. You have all the hymns and songs.  If you are an Atheist you know you don't have any songs. It's funny no matter what side of this fence you are on. 

So enjoy.

Friday, March 25, 2011


Are you all as thrilled as me that it is finally Friday?
One more day of people to deal with (see post below for example)
One more day of sitting at this desk. (my butt will thank me)
One more day.....

Last evening at 7pm my husband opened his laptop to upgrade his AVG anti-virus and internet security.  He had received an email a week or so ago that told him his AVG anti-virus and internet security was expiring. And as my husband is known to do he ignored it until the last minute. So as he turned his computer on and went to do his download a SHOPzilla  thing popped up and he knew it was too late.  So if you ever see this SHOPzilla pretending they are anti-spyware - you've been hit with a big ass virus.

As is the case as I explained in my post "My Big Guy" below the computer was handed over to me.  We have technical support with Dell and I knew if I was going to be on the phone I would prefer being in the office on my headset so my hands would be free.
So after leaving my office at 6pm I now had to turn around and go back to prison my office.

I was at my desk with Dell until just past 11pm.  Rick is now in bed along with the dog.
He offered to stay up with me but that just made me laugh. What could he do? 
Besides he started work yesterday at 7am and he was exhausted as well.
I was not thrilled to still be sitting at this damn desk since 7:30am but Rick did bring me dinner and water. And unlike prison it was better than bread and water.
It didn't matter though I was still sitting in a chair and dying to move.  I did walk around as long as my headset would let me and at one point did put this man on speaker.  The problem with speaker is this man's speech.  I have a difficult time with Indian accents. I actually could hear and understand him better with the headset on for some reason. So back on my butt at my desk.

After I hung up with Dell I knew I should go to bed but I needed to move.  Sometimes when I am really tired I can't sleep which I know sounds odd.  Instead I went downstairs and walked around. I actually walked around a 7 ft island several times like I was an old lady mall walker in my own home.  After circling the island I poured myself a big glass of ice water and sprawled out on the couch. Not what I needed but what I did.  I watched the DVR of Greys Anatomy and got sleepy and finally went to bed. Boy 5am came quickly. But walking Izzy actually felt good and trust me when I say that it never feels good walking at 5am!!

I think we are okay now with the laptop. I think we got it all.
I now will have to download the new anti-virus to the laptop today at some point in time.
I am almost afraid to open the laptop to be honest with you.

This morning Rick said to me as he handed me my coffee, "I'm really going to owe you for this aren't I?"  I laughed and said, "oh yeah!"
Seriously no way.  If we were keeping score I would lose here. We're fine but I like making him think that.  Mean mean woman that I am. 

So here's to's 5 o'clock somewhere, just not here yet .....damn it.
Wishing I were here....

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

I don't believe in Guns.....I don't believe in Guns.....I don't believe in guns

I am in my hating people mode.
Okay that isn't accurate....but I  particularly dislike them this past week and a half.
Honestly the questions, the poor social skills when they call and the rudeness for no apparent reason just fries my ass.
It was so difficult not to say what I wanted to say to this nut job. And I do it all with a smile in my voice and it kills me.  So to vent I have you my dear blogger friends and of course I text Rick out in the field to let loose..... I sent the following to Rick......"Inarticulate Asshats!  Make them go away"

He called me after that and laughed. I wasn't finding any of this shit funny.
This woman was not the brightest bulb in the box and she was frustrating me so.
Thankfully she wasn't really rude. I had just had a rude one before her so I suppose dumber than a box of rocks is a step up.  I just find it so frustrating some days more than others. Today is one of them.

It began like this....not hello or anything remotely bordering on social graces or skills.
I answer, Good Morning, XYZ may I help you?


(c'mon really you can only say yeah?)

What can I do for you this morning?

Fix my tub.

What are you looking to have done? (I list a couple of things)


Well ma'am those were choices.  Do you need X? Y? Z?

You can hear the chirping of birds.

Hello? Ma'am do you need me to walk you through some of the options?
Or can you tell me what is wrong with your tub so I may help you make a choice?

No. I know what's wrong with the tub.

Okay I want to scream at this point, "So then tell me you dumb @#$%" is what I wish I could say.  I then hear her take a hit of her cigarette and she finally speaks.

Can you have someone come over in the next hour to look at it?

No ma'am I'm sorry we can't get a technician out there in the next hour however I can have someone out for an estimate on XXXday at 9am.

No that won't work for me. I'm very busy during the day and that morning I go tanning.

My head is about to explode. Tanning? Really?  So very busy, tanning! 

What day/time does work for you and then we can  see if that is open and available, how's that?

Okay I can do this day and time.  But how long does this take because I go to Starbucks with other moms before the kids get home.

Please God let me reach into this phone and bitch slap this crazy dumbass.

It is only 15 minutes at best.

Okay do it. Call me a day before to make sure I remember will ya hon?

(hon? I hate words of endearment from strangers, male or female.)

We do call you the day before to remind you of your appointment to be sure nothing has changed with your schedule.  May I have the address and phone number?

No I don't like to give that information out to strangers.


I stifle laughter.

Ma'am how will a technician find you without your address?  I need to have an address so we can come to your home to give an estimate and possibly do the job. We also need your name and a phone contact so we may reach you in case the technician is running behind and for me to give you that courtesy call as a reminder.

She now giggles and says,
Yea, I guess I do need to do that don't I?

That has been my last 7 days. But she takes the cake in stupidity.

Calgon take me away!....No, make that Tanqueray take me away!  STAT.

My Love of Sammy

Sammy Hagar a.k.a. The Red Rocker.
The long blond curly hair, the great raspy voice and the energy of a young kid.
I am a huge fan of rock ‘n roll as well as this man.

I believe my first time of hearing Sammy was with a band called Montrose in the early 70’s. His voice slays me.
After a recent interview I found I like him for many more things than just enjoying his music. His business sense, his entrepreneurial spirit and his philanthropy. (ok I do love his tequila - smooth!)

I heard an interview with him last week that talked about some of his businesses outside of music. He spoke of how he got the idea to start some of these businesses, like his rock star travel agency to his tequila enterprise. Smart, smart man. Did you know that when he sold his little tequila company he got to keep 20% for 10 yrs. He sold it for 80 million. Plus he continues to receive 20% of the profits for another 9 yrs.  Damn!

He has a new book out which I gathered from the interview is much more than just about Van Halen….thank goodness. I had to get on the wait list already at the library. I am just finding it hard to believe he is 63!  Man, where did the time go?  (and does my library have anything? I'm on a wait list for several books. it's frustrating.)

This all brings me to an ugly trend that has occurred at my house of late.
I have a subscription to People that I am letting run its course.
In the meantime I read through this or I should more accurately that I skim through this magazine. I find nothing to really read of interest anymore. (admitting i have not read the newest one, last one was Charlie sheen cover)
It is less about people these days and more about the tweens or 20 something’s in Hollywood who have done nothing more than get in some kind of trouble.
Do you remember when they would have stories on real people too?
That seems to be no longer the case.
And when did Julia Roberts become the old lady?

Anyway, I find that I don’t know most of the celebrities and really don’t care about them either. You know the ones I mean. I think the Kardashians are a good example.
They are known for sex tapes and their frivolous life style.
I don’t have much interest in their gluttony or their silly feuds.
It all reminds me of the Gabor sisters of my parents generation….without the sex tape of course.

Now to the opposite side of things…I also get the AARP magazine and am finding more interest in these articles, pictures and people than People these days.
Valerie Bertinelli, Ricky Gervais, Steven Tyler, Alec Baldwin, and David Duchovney to name just a few.
I find these people far more interesting that any celebrity in People.
There are also stories about real people starting over and succeeding.
Stories about global issues. I find it very interesting so I assume it all means one thing.
I think it all means it’s official, I am no longer relevant and I am an old lady now.

So I will go off now and crank up my music, not because I can’t hear well, but because I love my rock’n roll music loud and I will open up my current AARP magazine.
I will kick back with a glass of my favorite beverage of choice, put on the reading glass and read and learn.

I will not be in a rocking chair and I will not be drinking Ensure.
But it does appear that I am officially old and irrelevant.

Monday, March 21, 2011

Long Ago Dating Stories

I was reading JR’s dating stories and it got me thinking about some of my husbands.
Mine really are pretty normal and tame….but Rick’s are a damn hoot.

As I have mentioned before Rick and I were friends for years before we were ever a couple.
I would call him crying about my boyfriends, break ups or bad dates.
He would always have great wisdom for me from a man’s point of view and he would always try to comfort me.
He on the other hand would tell me these stories of his escapades and I would just laugh.
I wasn't much in the comfort area but mostly he deserved it.
I used to refer to the women in his life as the “Bimbos De Jour”
Trust me every week I'd hear about another.

Here are a couple of my favorites of his dates -
Rick was waiting on a friend as he sat at the bar. 
His friend called and said he wouldn’t be able to make it.
Rick stayed and had a couple more beers.
This tall woman came over to him and said hello and sat down next to him.
She bought him another drink. She then leaned in and said, “Take me home”  
Ooh Rick was now thinking, "Ricky gonna git some!"
As they were walking to his car he asked where she lived.
She said, “Oh no, I want to go to your home.”

He brings her back to his place and she asks where his bathroom is.
As she goes to the bathroom he puts on music, opens a bottle of wine, lights some candles. (I’m laughing already as I type this!)
She comes out of the bathroom and they have some more drinks and some serious kissing takes place.
Then she jumps up and asks if he has a shirt she can sleep in.
While he thought that was odd he says sure.  He goes to his room and gives her a T-shirt.
He leaves while she changes.

She comes out of his bedroom in this shirt and gets down on the floor and tells him that she has to do 100 sit ups every night so will he hold her feet?
Numbnuts  Rick thinks this is leading somewhere which is so damn funny to me.
Can't we all see that this woman is crazy?
How men get "that" thought from the weird ass things this chick is doing and saying is just beyond me.

So before she begins her 100 sit ups she tells him she lost over 100lbs and she never misses a night of sit ups. So he holds her feet. When she reaches 100 she gets up and goes to the bedroom. He follows. She gets into bed and as he tries to touch her she says, “Oh I just want to sleep.” He tells me that she fell asleep instantaneously and was now snoring like a mad truck driver while he is still scratching his head wondering, “What the hell just happened here?”

The following morning he gets up and takes her home. I pass him on the way to my parents to help mom with her garage sale. We pull over into a plaza and I ask, “Where the hell are you coming from at this hour you tramp?”
He tells me this story. I'm sorry but to me this is funny and I can’t stop laughing.

I ask him, “Where do you find these women? Is there a special store?”

“She was gorgeous Margaret you should have seen her.”

“Yea, well she may have been a looker but she sounds certifiable Richard.”

“Okay I am seeing that now. And the nut job still has my damn t-shirt.”
His concern for his T-shirt sent me over the edge into hysterics.

A year or so later we are out having a couple of drinks and he sees her and points her out to me. He is correct – she was truly drop dead gorgeous.  She came over to us and said hello to Rick and he introduced me.  She had what they call on How I Met Your Mother, “crazy eyes” When she walked away I said to Rick, “that woman is nuts but you can’t see behind a beautiful face and a great rack can you?”

“Apparently not”  he explains.

#2 – He continues to see this mail woman each time he is visiting a client.
He notices her tan beautiful legs. (it’s summer and she’s in shorts)
The last time he see her he gives his business card with his home number to his client and tells him to give it to his mail woman next time she comes in.

This woman, Leslie, calls him and invites him out for dinner and cocktails.
Of course he accepts. He called me to tell me about this.
Somewhere during this conversation I say to him, “Well she asked you out so at least you won’t have to pay, she will pay.”

I also share with him after finding out her name that I know who she is.
I met her once at a party because she knows a friend of mine.
Don't know her per se but I knew of her and she was pretty, that much I remember.

He is now digging this whole reverse situation of not having to choose the place to go or worry about anything more than meeting her there. I wish him good luck and tell him to call me tomorrow. Knowing full well that this isn't going to go well.

The next morning he does what he always did and calls me early and asks, “Are you alone, can we talk?”
Oh I was alone damn it! I ask how his date went.
He told me they seemed to connect pretty quickly.
After dinner she pushed the check to him. “I thought you told me she was paying Margaret?”

“Well when I ask a guy out I pay so I don’t know….did you pay then?”

“Yes of course I paid. Then I suggested we go have a couple of drinks at XYZ.”

"Nice, nice choice Rick”

“When I brought her home she asked me in. We had some really great kissing going on and we made plans for a few days later.”

“Well this sounds good Rick. She doesn’t sound like a psycho or a far”
We laugh.

The morning after his next date with her he calls me and leaves me a message – “Margaret you’ve gotta call me. Leslie is nuts.”

When I hear this message I laughed out loud and phoned him immediately.
Apparently after this date of a movie, a boat ride and some wine he takes her home.
Standing at her door Rick goes in for a kiss – she pushes him back and says, “I take my kissing seriously Rick”

He looks at her puzzled thinking “you just had your tongue down my throat a few days ago” but he does not say this out loud.
Instead he is confused as she shakes her head vigoriously again while saying, “no more kissing Rick”
He backs off and thanks her for a nice evening and leaves.
He calls me and says, “WTF is that about Margaret? ”

Oh the poor man. As I always do, I laugh!
Seriously how can you not laugh? I know I do not sound comforting with all the giggling taking place. But I do try.
I tell him,"She is playing a game. She wants to see if you only want to fool around or you want to have a relationship. She figures if you fall for this crap she’ll have you but if it makes you angry you can go away because she is husband hunting and doesn't want to waste her time. She then thinks you are just a player and well, honestly Rick you are."

"You really think that is what this was about Margaret?

"Yea, I do. Women like to play games for some reason instead of saying what they want. You have to read their minds – they're nutsWhat can I say?  I don't get that either"

"Well I am not playing games if she feels she has to do that shit then I want no part of it."

"Rick you know  what would have been a great response when she told you “I take my kissing seriously?” You should have said,So I guess a blow job is totally out of the question then huh?”

He cracked up and said, "My God I should just date you!"

“Not on your life buddy, not on your life!!”

Friday, March 18, 2011

My Big Guy

My husband can remember being put into the kitchen sink for a bath when he was a tiny baby. He tells this funny story about how he remembers climbing out of his crib when he was under 2. Who remembers this shit? C’mon, he can’t remember anything I've told him in the last 24 years. So how does this work exactly?

My husband can hear lint fall to the floor. Yet when I speak he hears nothing.
He says my voice is like white noise. And yet I am not permitted to kill him.

My husband just got new eyeglasses. He never wore glasses until he turned 50.
But even with these new lenses he can’t seem to see the laundry basket sitting NEXT to the clothes he just threw onto the floor.

My husband has a great imagination too; he thinks laundry fairies exsist. They pick up his clothes that he throws next to the laundry basket. These fairies then fly his clothes to the laundry room a mere 6ft away.

My husband is stellar at cleaning the bathrooms. He wants them spotless and he makes them shine. But that is the only dirt he can see….EVER and ANYWHERE.
An example of this puzzling trait -
He thinks cleaning up the kitchen after a meal or anytime really means, just the loading of the dishwasher.
The food on the counters to be put away, the mess on the stove all mean nothing to him.
The dishes are in the dishwasher and he washed the pots and pans. It’s all done damn it! Crumbs on the floor?  Don't see 'em!  Burnt on grime on the stove top and sticky stuff on the kitchen island is completely invisible to my man and apparently only sticky to my touch.

My husband can build or repair anything. And I mean anything. You give him string, an orange and a felt tip pen and voila he has built you a new armoire. But for the love of all things good the man can’t handle the remote control, figure out the DVR completely or deal with the satellite dish when it goes out. Something goes awry with our technology and he hands it to me to figure out. They may have to revoke his man card on this one.

My husband makes me laugh and I mean belly laugh every damn day.
I don't know how he does it but I am thankful for it.
I know that if it weren’t for this great trait of his I’d be in a padded room.

Monday, March 14, 2011

Ya'll Come Back Now Ya Hear

I'll be back next week....see you all soon!

Happy Happy Happy?

In the big scheme of things in our world today my issues are so very small.
I am trying to not get upset or worked up about a lot of it but finding it difficult.
Which is odd isn't it?  Seriously I know these things are no big deal.
Is it the emotional toll of watching too much emotional tsunami coverage?
This morning when they showed all these children without parents not even crying but in utter shock and confusion I lost it.  I couldn't hold back the dam of waterworks.

I think I am going to give up news reports of all kinds for Lent. I know, I know, I'm not even Catholic or any part of an organized religion. But why should that stop me?  I was raised Catholic so I understand the season.

In the mean time we are only going to deal with happy, happy, happy.
In other words, I'm going to drink and take lots of happy pills

How are you dealing?

Friday, March 11, 2011

Friday's Thoughts

I have a friend who I first met back in May 1987.
We were both new to the city we were in and new to our jobs.
We both moved again, she to Northern Virginia and me all over the place until 11 years ago.
11 years ago I too moved to the same area as she and her husband.

She called me earlier this week for some help.
She has found that her husband has a mistress.
Now this was not a shock to me or Rick sadly.
But while she knew they hated each other and didn't want to be married she thought he would never cheat. (her exact sentence to me)
Even typing that I laugh.

I wrote about this topic a couple of years ago after one of her visits whining about her husband and her life to me. 
They are so mean to one another and as I stated in that blog post they are fine individually but together they are so toxic.  It's been damn right ugly for 22 years.

She asked me to gather some info for her online because she doesn't want a computer trail.
She also asked me to snoop on him. 
I will not do this for her.  I don't want any part of this mess.
I even suggested using the computer at the library. She was not happy with me when I said no.

She has stayed married because he keeps a beautiful roof over her head and allows her to do whatever it is she wants. She has not worked outside her home in 22 years. He has always resented that because over the years there have been times where they really needed an extra income. She held steadfast to no way she was getting a job outside her home. She makes no bones about any of this and is very frank in stating her reasons for staying to anyone who will listen.

They have 2 boy children, 19 and in college and 13.  The 13 year old has suffered from the constant yelling and bickering to the point that the school called them to come in to discuss.The counselor said the young boy broke down and cried when asked why he was fighting with kids and was so angry in class. He said his parents are mean to one another and his father takes it out on him.

When she told me this I asked how that made her feel. She blamed it all on her husband.
I just listened.  It was all blame and nothing about her young son. It broke my heart. 

So you can see that I wasn't surprised when she called this week and told me about the mistress.  She told Rick and I one evening that her husband told her if she wasn't going to have sex with him every day and at the very least 6 days a week he was going to look elsewhere.  When she left I said to Rick, "he is setting her up and will use this as an excuse that he warned her as he is out screwing around."  Sure enough.

He doesn't know she knows....yet.  She found things and off she went. She has made copies of receipts, texts, cell phone bills, etc.  She knows this woman well. He's been so sloppy and foolish or maybe he wants to get caught. He has never been a man with a backbone so maybe this way he doesn't have to initiate it all. Who the hell knows.
She told me that she is getting ready to get this moving. She wants him out of the house and 1/2 of his money.

This ought to be interesting but Rick and I want no part of this.
We explained that while we are sad that they are having to go through this we are friends with both and can't take sides or get in the middle of it all.
She wasn't happy with me since she said, "I was your friend first"
"True, Rick told her,  however over 22 years we became friends with the both of you and if her husband had asked me as a man to help him should I have said yes?" 

She talked for a couple of hours last night. Nothing new.  Same thing for 22 years. When I said I was so sorry she laughed and said she didn't even care. She never cried or was the least bit sad. I did ask if she's even had the time to cry and feel all this.
She said, "Oh I won't cry. I think I'm just relieved"
Wow was all I could think.  I can't wrap my head around it being so bad that you go to that place first, relief.

So I plan to spend my weekend loving my life.
I may not have a ton of money or all the trappings she has but I adore my hubby.
I love our life (most days) and I am thankful that I made a great choice for me  for a partner in life. 

Now if I could just find a way to divorce my new neighbors.....

Thursday, March 10, 2011

Thursday's Thoughts

Things rolling around in my head today.....

**I had a salad this past weekend that I can't stop thinking about.  I know, a salad!
This salad at first made me think, "ooh these things don't go together and I don't even like some of them"  But man did it work.  It was a salad of mixed greens, goat cheese (which I don't normally care for) carmalized walnuts (which I normally find too sweet) enormous blackberries, crispy pancetta, with a  house balsamic dressing.  Now I don't normally like fruit in my salad and yet those blackberries really worked with the dressing as well as everything else. You would think it'd be sweet but it wasn't. I guess this is why I am not a chef, these are not things I would ever put together but I love it.  I can't stop thinking about it. I want this salad for breakfast, lunch and dinner.

**American Idol has some of the best voices this year. However last night was horrific.
Why is Steven Tyler saying nice things when they suck?  He needs to man up with his comments. I expect that from J.Lo but not Steven. If the only nice thing they have to say is how nice you look well then you stink.
I did not get Paul MacDonald doing Ryan Adams.  I don't get anything about this guy except he is cute but his voice?...not so much!
I thought Pia was awesome but I found the song a bit boring. But the girl can sing and she is gorgeous!
I adored James Durbin!  I admit I love hard rock so yes he was great with a Judas Priest song but I thought he may not be able to do another style. But he did a great job doing Paul McCartney's Maybe I'm Amazed. I was a bit shocked and pleasantly surprised at his control of the song.  Who knew he could do that?  The other person I enjoyed was Casey Abrams.  I like that he is different. I worry that because he has an older vibe and doesn't normally sing things from this generation that he may be overlooked by the tweens who call in.  Other than that I thought the rest were awful.   And that my friends is my humble opinion and would love to hear yours.

And lastly.....
**I am tired that I can't even turn on the evening news and escape the Charlie Sheen so called news. I don't care anymore so please let's stop the insanity.

Charlie needs help. He does not need more attention, at least not the gawking kind which is all that is out there. He doesn't need people egging him on. He surely doesn't need lookie loo's who want to just make fun of him for sport or ratings or magazine sales.

He is a 45 yr old man who is mentally ill. He needs his family to help him or someone who genuinely cares about him. Not just gawkers/people who are using him for ratings.

Look, I actually really liked Two and a Half Men. It was on my DVR. It made me laugh as sophmoric as it was. But it may have now run it's course. If not it will come back in some form or another without him. 

He is not the first nor will he be the last person to have gotten fired from their job. There are millions of regular people who have been fired for far less and have not gotten a fair deal. You deal with it and move on. Clearly he can't for a plethora of reasons. We can only speculate what has happened from piecing together his admissions of wrong doing, which he has listed as many, or what Warner Bros has said. Either way it shouldn't matter. He's more than just a rich perverted actor. He is a human who is mentally ill yet no one is showing compassion.

Rick was VP of HR for a large international company. They take great pains before using the word "fired" because of law suits. The things Charlie has said alone would be an easy case. Missed rehearsal once, asked to be put on a mark close to something so he could lean on the furniture because he had been on an all night bender and hadn't slept in a day or so. Those 2 alone mean his personal life went into his work life. But if someone had said such things about their boss they wouldn't be able to be saved from being fired.

I assume there is nothing that his family can do or they would have done it. At least that is what I want to believe in my fairy tale world.
I assume that since his bosses have had interventions and the like and he has rebuked them that there is nothing left to do. But it seems like there should be doesn't there?

I am thankful that he is not my father, my child or the father of my children.
I just want the media to stop shining the spotlight on him.
It's really not that difficult to do.

Now that will be the last time I talk about this man.

Wednesday, March 9, 2011

Bubba's Achilles

At least one of the walks with Izzy is down at this area that I have shown you all before.
On most mornings I will go down here between 7:15a - 7:30a and stay down there throwing a ball or having her run with the other dogs to tire her out.  Then when I come back home I go upstairs to my office and she falls asleep next to my desk.  It's helps me immensley to get things done. Especially if I can give her a full 45 minutes of running at full speed.

Yesterday morning was a crazy morning. I got down there at 7:40a.  I have to be at my desk by 8:30 so I knew there wouldn't be enough time to exhaust her but she's been up since 4:45a and I was hoping this exercise would tire her out somewhat.

There are 3 moms who show up after they drop their kids off at the bus stop. These moms are nice to me and I assume it's because we all have a dog. I am not just that woman without kids for an hour or so you know?

As soon as Roxie took her dog Bubba off his leash to run he got hurt.
Bubba is a huge dog.  He is a mix of Wolf, Irish Wolfhound, Golden Retreiver and German Shepard.  They actually had Bubba's DNA done. I find that funny but that has nothing to do with my story here.

Bubba is easily 3 times the size of Izzy in height but they love to play. Bubba is so gentle and sweet. The size and temperment of an Irish Wolfhound I suppose and the face of a German Shepard.

Both dogs take off running and we are laughing at how Izzy's ears are flying because she is running so hard to keep up with Bubba with her short little legs. Then we see Bubba lift his left back leg at the same time he yelps of pain. We run to him and he is down!  We knew he was really hurt. Izzy came back and laid on the ground next to him like she knew.

Roxie checked Bubba's pads to be sure there wasn't something in there like broken glass etc.
I slowly ran my hand up and down her leg and didn't feel like it was broken but it could have been a fracture we couldn't feel. Bubba would not get up.
Of course Roxie is in a panic. This dog weighs over 125lbs. (Izzy is 65)
So it wasn't like we could just pick her up to carry her to the car.

Now you can't drive your car down to this area. There are these gates that do not open just there enough to stop cars from coming in. We had to find a way to get him out.
Roxie lives a little over a mile away and we could see that there was no way Bubba could walk it.
We decided that it would be best for her to walk home and get her car so she could take him directly to the vet's. I would stay behind with him.

I have been around Bubba and Roxie enough to know that Bubba is Roxie's shadow.  As Roxie began walking away Bubba tried to get up and stand on 3 legs.  He did it and tried walking but only got a few steps and laid down and cried.
Oh my this was sad to watch. I felt so helpless. 

The ground was very wet from having 3 inches of rain but the only thing that calmed him was me sitting next to him so down I went. I sat on the very wet mushy ground and rubbed him and Izzy sat on his other side with her paw over his. I wish I had my camera for that shot. It was adorable.  Bubba's breathing calmed down and he was no longer howling or crying.  But then all of a sudden, he got up and walked a few steps and then would lay down.  He wanted to leave but couldn't do more than a few steps.  So I went along. He did this hopping thing on his 3 good legs.

He would walk 2-3 steps.  Then he laid down.
We did this for what seemed like forever but I'm sure it felt worse for Bubba.
We got to the front entrance just as Roxie pulled her car down in the entrance.
We got him to walk a few more steps to the car.
Then we both lifted him into her van. What a heavy dog!
This whole time Bubba is crying in pain.
All I can say is thank God for a mommy van! 
That really helped having that big door on the side. 
As Roxie got into the drivers seat, Bubba put his big ole head on her thigh and looked up at her like, "Mom help me."  It was heartbreaking.

She thanked me a million times and left.
Izzy didn't get any exercise but it was now after 9am and I am late for work and 30 minutes from home by foot so we headed home. I had to change out of my wet jeans and underpants!  I am sure people who saw me walking home thought I may have peed my pants....or worse.
I didn't give a hoot what anyone thought but it sure didn't feel very good.

A few hours later Roxie stopped by with a beautiful orchid potted plant. The planter was gorgeous as well. She said it was a thank you for staying with her dog so she could get her car. Honestly anyone would do that for her and Bubba. It was so unnecessary. I didn't need a gift but that was awfully generous of her. I asked what the vet found and she said they don't know yet.

Later that evening I made it a point to walk by her home and knock on the door to hear the news. Poor Bubba tore his achilles tendon. The surgery was $5K and they don't have pet insurance. (ouch) And surgery doesn't always provide 100% healing or the fact that this won't happen again.  The poor dog has to stay in a confined area for 3 months. Impossible she said.  They wanted the dog in a crate but the biggest crate in the world does not give this huge dog the room to move and they felt it was inhuman. So they made an area of their home just for the dog. It is a 5' x 5' area built of furniture. The dog is on a lot of medication and if they miss the next dose the dog begins to howl so they don't have to worry about forgetting.

The options for this dog are bleak. The other leg showed it was just a matter of time for that one as well. The vet told the family that this could have happened anywhere and anytime, just jumping down off the sofa.  I won't go into all the gory details about the options and future but I will tell you that this dog is only 5 years old and they are very bleak. Roxie and her husband are discussing what they may have to do with option A and option B because they don't want to have to decide under extreme emotional stress. She also told me that she doesn't know if it gets to that point how the hell they will talk to their children about this.  Lie? Hmm....

I saw Roxie this morning after driving her one child to school as I was walking Izzy. 
She pulled over to give me some updates.
She told me that their 8 year old boy is sleeping downstairs with Bubba so he isn't alone. Apparently Bubba sleeps upstairs with the family and stairs are out of the question as I stated for 3 months. Bubba began howling for awhile after everyone went to bed.  Roxie and her husband have told the kids that they can't sleep on the floor downstairs but they found their son down there this morning. They said they are going to let him stay with Bubba and see how it works out. It also keeps Bubba from howling. (all that howling may be the part wolf  trait but man can this dog howl ) I know I'm not a mom but I think I'd make a bed for my son down there to help them both deal with this.  I don't see the harm of it.

That was my exciting Tuesday, how about you?

Monday, March 7, 2011

Mean or a Blonde Moment to Laugh At?

You be the judge.
Here is the scenario -

4 people in an elevator.
All 4 are facing the front door.
I am 1 of the 4 and I am pressing the numbers for us.
We are all quiet.
Rick is behind me and the older couple are a bit behind me and to my left.

I hear who I assume is the older man clearing his throat...loudly.
He does it again and I'm thinking, Jeez you have a hair ball mister, but I do not look at him because I think that would be rude of me to do so.
Then a third time the flemy old man does this so very loudly that I turn to look and no one is there.  The door has opened BEHIND us. I whip around and there is my husband holding the door open and making those deep flemy clearing of his throat noises.
He is now laughing hysterically. 

Apparently the numbers never changed but it did stop and everyone got out while I stood there like a fool looking up.  (I did not feel it stop or for that matter move)
Instead of being nice and telling me to turn around, he does this clearing of his throat for a pretty long time before I turned around. He thinks this is very funny, making a fool of his sweet wife.

So what do you think? Mean or a funny blonde moment?
I admit I laughed at myself after I hit him.
But c'mon, just a tad bit mean of him don'tcha think?
The people at IKEA found it hysterical. 

Friday, March 4, 2011


Today is my favorite "holiday"

I awoke at 4:45a.m.  I groaned and thought that is 15 minutes before I have to be up why can't I sleep? Then I realized Rick wasn't in bed so I knew the dog wasn't in the room either.
I totally had forgotten it was my birthday.  A sure sign of my advanced age.

I grabbed my bathrobe and shuffled down the hall in my normal curmudgeon morning mode and could hear Rick singing.  Who the hell is this happy in the morning?  20 something years later and it still annoys the shit out of me. How did I fall in love with a morning person?
As I get closer to the steps I realize he is not singing a song but singing a conversation to our dog.  I think my Big Guy is crazy. Oh not Charlie Sheen crazy but he certainly isn't normal.  No one is this happy before 5a.m. are they?

As I put my foot down on the 2nd step I get a whiff of the most wonderful aroma of my favorite Godiva coffee. Hey, don't judge, it's better than it sounds and besides it's my birthday!  By the time I get to the bottom of the steps into the kitchen I really smell the coffee and see bright red and yellow tulips on the island.  (fav flower)
Nice way to start your morning even if it has to be at this ungodly hour.

Apparently Izzy bought me the flowers. Amazing dog I have....she even signed her card.
I told you she was smart....signed without even having thumbs.

I have to admit even though I hate mornings Rick did make it nice for me.
He had to leave very very early this morning so we talked, err I mumbled, over coffee and off to work he went.

Since Rick had to leave early no breakfast made for me, the spoiled princess.
Instead I made a baked sweet potato.  You know you may laugh but it's such a yummy breakfast....or anytime. I am lazy and I was starving because I didn't eat much last night.  I figure it's my birthday I can eat cake for breakfast if I want right?  Sweet potato and Godiva choc. coffee is a very interesting combo.

I will probably update later.  If you recall I post my eyes on my birthday for my sister to view my aging process. I hate that even my eyes have fallen. Sheesh.
My youngest most adorable sister is 17 yrs younger gorgeous. She has everything up where it's supposed to be. I keep telling her that this will happen to her but she is so young she thinks it never will. I like to remind her that this is her future. So each year I show her how even my eyes are aging and she laughs. She gets a kick out of this annual event but just wait I tell her. When I am 67 I am going to point and giggle at her...something for me to look forward to in my old(er) age.

Thursday, March 3, 2011


We had a wind and hail storm last week that ripped the ridge vent off our 3 story townhome as well as the shingles off our dormers. Because it is so high and there is no way Rick will climb 3 stories we had to go across the street with binoculars to see the damage.
We did not know if any hail damage had occured or only wind.

With the ridge vent gone that left an opening in our roof and being spring it will be raining this week.
We had a few estimates and then called the insurance company and did all that was necessary to move forward.

Yesterday they called to say they could get to us that afternoon if that would work for me.
I wouldn’t have to wait for my appointment on Saturday and since it was supposed to rain on Friday this worked for me. They weren’t sure of the time but it would be in the afternoon.
They would tell us if they found any hail damage but today they were going to repair the ridge vent.

Now I assumed that when they arrived they would ring the bell and let me know that they were here. Wouldn't you too assume that?
I work from home in a 2nd floor office so I would be here. My office is in the front of the house and I face the windows.  I may see them pull up before they even ring the bell.

Somehow or another I did not hear or see the ladder go against the front of my house. Perhaps I was on the phone or perhaps they were being stealth roofers I don’t know.
But there I sat with my headset on the phone talking to a customer, using the calendar to book them when I see the roofer in front of me and worse yet he sees me!!

Here is the problem. I had walked Izzy just a little bit before this and I had on a fleece sweater type thing and fleece pants and sitting at my desk I was getting incredibly warm but couldn’t get up to change because the phone kept ringing. I took off my fleece top and pants and was now sitting there in my panties and a pretty blue lacy bra. OH MY GOD.

As soon as I saw him I fell to the floor immediately so he couldn’t see me.
What an idiot – he already saw me! He saw the top of me anyway, I think the desk hid the rest. (stop laughing - that is what I want  need to believe)

As I lay on the floor I slither over to my desk chair and grab my fleece clothing. I slowly put it on while lying on the floor. Not an easy feat. All I keep thinking is why are my windows so friggin' big? Why the hell didn’t they ring the doorbell and let me know they were here and getting started? Oh I am sure they will be telling their buddies they saw this old lady sitting at her desk in just a bra. Poor kid I probably burned his retinas. There's a workers comp claim in there I fear.

I am just thankful I had on a bra. Oh the horrors. Now how can I just slide the check under the door so he doesn’t have to see me again?
I am mortified beyond belief.

This young man rang the bell when they were done.
NOW you ring the damn bell numbnuts!

We stood at the door all awkward and uncomfortable.
He was so cute with his New York Yankee hat and I with clothes on that covered me from head to toe like a burka. I mumble something about his hat because I am an idiot and he seemed so uncomfortable, so I was trying too hard to make us feel better.  But seriously I should have just said nothing!  Neither of us looks each other in the eye. I hand him the check he tells me what they found as he stares at his feet. We mumble our good byes and thank you’s and I close the door.

When Rick came home he asked me if they finished the roof.
I said they did indeed.
He asked me, "What did they see?"

Where do I begin?

Wednesday, March 2, 2011

Adult Braces

I just cleaned the laundry room last evening.
Dropped something behind my organizers and that ended up being a full blown let's move everything and get crazy cleaning.
I found 2 rubber bands from my braces days. 
Yes they were behind the dryer.  How?  Hell if I know.

You see I had to get braces at the ripe old age of 45.
When I would chew and bite down my top teeth would miss my bottom teeth and you would get the grinding - ooh that was awful. And of course the food would be missed all together and I would choke.  This happened twice to me and on the last time Rick screamed at me, "Get the damn braces already would you please?"

I just couldn't stand the thought of having to wear braces at that age.
I also couldn't see me having this metal mouth and doing the type of job I did.
I heard my dentists warnings and I went to 3 orthodontists for opinions.
All told me the same thing. My jaw had moved.
How the hell did that happen?
It wasn't because my teeth were crooked oh no that would have been easy and far less painful.

As I sat in the orthodontist office the first time I realized that the only people in this office that are grown ups are the parents of the children getting braces.  Everyone told me how there are more and more adults getting braces but they sure as hell weren't sitting in this office waiting room that was for sure. 

They would call your name and take you in the back and make you brush your teeth.
Then you were herded into another waiting room. 
I am 5'2" and I was the tallest person there most days. The chairs had game boys or some such video games attached. I never knew what to do with them so I read the magazines.  They were geared toward tweens and teens too. I began bringing my own books because they always made me wait.

Because I wasn't there to have my teeth straighted I couldn't have something like invislign.  I had to have big ole hardware. I did get to have clear on my top teeth. What they didn't tell me is how red wine, coffee and spaghetti sauce will stain them - quickly. Oh that's lovely.
On the bottom I had to have the old fashioned wire braces.

I began noticing the other kids braces on my monthly visits. On 4 of July they had their bands in red, white and blue. They asked me but I felt that I was a bit too old for all that fun. The green bands were the worse. St. Patricks day a young girl got them in green. It was like spinach was hanging in her teeth.  And trust me if you haven't had braces, spinach is always in your teeth, as well as most food.

Here is what I learned while wearing my braces.
Eating becomes a whole new adventure.
I couldn't bite into an apple and I longed for an apple come fall. 
Everything sticks in your braces so I brushed my teeth all damn day. I also carried with me all kinds of brace accoutrments to get stuff out between my braces.  I didn't want to end up in front of a customer with some type of food there for them to stare at.
Because you all know you wouldn't tell me!
Kissing is also difficult. So parents you may want to get your tweens/teens braces. It really makes this difficult. This bummed me out big time.
I also learned there was pain.

Because the issue was on the bottom after 5 months or so I had to get this apparatus put in.
It fit under my tongue and was hooked to both sides of my mouth. The point of this damn thing was to torture me.  No wait, they told me the point of this damn thing was to move my jaw/mouth so the top and bottom would line up. (no more choking)

This apparatus was hell. I talked like I was drunk. I was leaving the office and I said to the young woman I can't possibly work with this in my mouth. I was frantic.
Seriously I talked like Daffy Duck who's S's only got worse as he got drunk. No shit. 

So I drove home in so much pain but only could think about how the hell am I going to work sounding  like this? I immediately went home and called my boss and said I had to cancel my appointments for a few days. She didn't help when she kept laughing. At least she understood. The dr.'s office told me it would only take me about 1 week to sound normal again. They lied. I sounded better in 4 weeks but never sounded normal again until it came off.  I actually had a customer who I was speaking to over the phone ask me if  I had started drinking already. It was 9am. He too was laughing at me. This just sucked. And while it was bad enough sounding like a cartoon charater I was in a lot of pain. Advil and straight gin was all I could eat and that did take the edge off.  I kept thinking I could go 18 months of just being drunk and then go straight into rehab. That may be the answer.

By the 2nd month I was used to this. The pain was tolerable and really was only bad when things were tightened. I knew on those days to go home, take advil and if possible begin a diet of Tanqueray every 30 minutes until I passed out.  Yep, I am an adult.

During the 16th month of this fun trip I had that thing removed. It was heaven.
In the 18th month I had my last appointment to have my braces removed.
YIPEE. I felt as old as the kids sitting next to me in the waiting room.
I was giddy with excitement. I will be able to eat again without concern for pain, the discoloration and the stains. 

This last day I actually had a woman take off my braces.
Not an 18-20 year old. It seemed that every month I had to go in I would be met by someone who appeared to be a kid.
While it was nice to have an adult work with me she talked to me like I was a child.
I wondered as she has her fingers in my mouth yaking away if she realizes that I am now 47 and that she is talking to me like I am 10 or younger. But I can't ask because her fingers are in my mouth. Besides she was nice enough.

Finally she got the last one off.  I can't stop running my tongue across my teeth. 
She was getting a mirror for me to look at my new mouth. 
She hands me the mirror and says to me, "So what is the first thing you are going to eat?"

"My husband" I say way too quickly.

I realized as I saw the look on her face that what I thought was in my head I just said out loud and probably just offended this nice lady.
Ah shit!
Thankfully she burst out laughing and said, "I truly know that is the first time I've been told that answer and it will go down in the pun intended."  as she continues to laugh. Whew.

I reminded Rick last night of that event as he came home from his orthodontist consultation.
It was true, he needed braces. His dentist told him the pain he is having is the shifting of his teeth as happens a great deal in old age. So he went for a consultation at a local orthodontist, thankfully not the same one as me.
"Margaret tell me again how being  50 is so damn good?

"I don't know the answer except that we are this side of the dirt babe. Do you have to wear that thingy under your tongue like I did?"

"Thankfully no, and I only have to have them on the bottom.  They also said I can make payments but they won't let my braces come off until they are paid in full"

"That's pretty funny but I get it. I bet there are a lot of parents who's kids have their braces on longer than necessary for that exact reason don'tcha think?"

"Did he give you anything for all this pain you are in?"

"No. he told me advil. I now understand your old diet of advil and gin."

"Didn't DC just pass the use of medical marijuana? You could get a Rx and drive into the city for pain relief."