Tuesday, November 25, 2008

At least I'm not Shoveling Snow

We went to Virgina Beach this past weekend. It was for my husband's business and I tagged alone. I am fortunate that I could and was excited about the mini-getaway.
What is sad is why couldn't this have been in like say July or August?
It was so frickin' cold it was unbelieveable.
Coldest on record for that time of year. Night time temps were 29!
And of course we were on the beach.

Here is a picture of the 1st day from my hotel balcony - the clouds look like snow clouds.


The 2nd day the sun came out and it got to 44 - damn heat wave I'll tell ya.




I know, I know, could have been in my hometown of Erie PA and shoveling snow right?
So I'll quit bitching now.

Monday, November 24, 2008

Crazy Lady

I had someone ask me if that story on my neighbors and their concern for my lack of outdoor Christmas decorating was real. Oh yea, it was a true story. C'mon you can't make that kind of shit up.

So I thought I would share with you another story which I find hilarious and yet so typical of this crazy ass neighbor (who is no longer a neighbor I might add). I will start by telling you how we met them so you have a little back story on this crazy ass neighborhood nymph.

We hadn't lived here long when my husband one day was tired of picking out paint colors and decided he was going to get the mail. He came back into the house 20 minutes later.

"Where did you pick up the mail, the post office?"

"No, I met our new neighbor and I think she just bought herself a new pair of titties."

" Dear Lord, how does one find that out at the mailbox? I asked.

"Well she's our age and they are very very pert Margaret you just couldn't miss those sweater puppies AND she was wearing shorts that had her ass cheeks hanging out - she wanted to be looked at for heaven's sake!"

Well I am sure glad you could make her wish come true dear."

Fast forward to several months later and several neighborhood parties later.
It was a new development and everyone was new and making friends. We had several get togethers that summer on people's patio's with food, drinks and laughter.

One night we were at crazy ass neighbors house. They had a hot tub on their patio.
Everyone was pretty loaded and crazy ass neighbor says, "let's go in the hottub" and the whole idea of going in naked was somehow swirling around. I do not remember who said what or what was said but I do remember that everyone was going to be naked and get in the hottub.

I said, "You know I think this is my cue to go home"

At which point crazy ass neighbor said, "We don't care that you are chubby Peg c'mon stay and go in the hot tub with us."

"You think because I am overweight is why I won't get naked with my neighbors?
Ah no that's not it. Thank you but I think it's best I just go home."

Now her husband chimes in, "Hey we don't care about your weight, so and so is fat and we don't care.

I repeat, "Look you guys my weight has nothing to do with this."

Crazy Ass says, "Sure it does, but we don't care, c'mon."

I look at my husband and say, "Honestly I don't care if you want to stay but I am not going to look at my neighbors penis's and vajay jay's and act like this is normal."

I gather my things to get going and again crazy ass says, "Are you sure, we really don't care about your weight."
Now I am getting pissed - "I DON'T CARE ABOUT MY WEIGHT EITHER. I DO NOT WANT TO SEE YOUR HUSBANDS PENIS AND THEN HAVE TO SEE HIM AT THE MAILBOX TOMORROW AND ACT LIKE I HAVE NEVER SEEN HIS WEINER. HOW CAN YOU NOT GET THAT? WEIGHT IS NOT MY ISSUE. I FIND IT INAPPROPRIATE TO GET NAKED WITH MY NEIGHBORS."

Everyone laughed at me like I was the freak. So be it I thought - let them, I don't need neighborhood peer pressure. So I went home and my husband came home with me. I wasn't mad I just didn't want to be naked with all my neighbors - ooooh ick!

The next morning my husband made me laugh so hard.
He said to me that he was just drunk enough to have stayed when I told him he could.
I asked him then why didn't he?
He says, "I've been married long enough to know that you would have been pissed at me so I came home. Because honestly I didn't mind seeing crazy ass neighbors big new boobies and then seeing her at the mailbox."
God love him that made me laugh. I really wouldn't have been mad if he had stayed but I got why he thought that. I just can't make any one understand that to me it is highly inappropriate to be naked with my neighbors. Period. End Of Story. Not A Weight Issue!

Fast forward to a month or so later and crazy ass neighbor and her very nice husband are at our home having some appetizers and wine sitting around the great room.
I say out of the blue to them, "Hey, how about we all get naked while we're drinking?"

Everyone looks at me like I have a 3rd eye on my forehead. I say it again as I take off my shoes. The husband of crazy ass neighbor asked me "What the hell are you doing?" as he chuckles nervously.

I said, "Does this make you uncomfortable?"

He says, "Well yeah kind of."

"Well it shouldn't. I really don't care that you are a skinny skinny man really I don't."

He take a drink and says, "Just sit here, drink and be naked huh?"

I said, "Yes that was the idea. Oh wait I think I get it, it's okay to get naked as long as water is involved, but not without the water, is that the way it works? Because I really don't care that you and your wife are so skinny really I don't. (Long silent ackward pause.)
Are you thinking that perhaps without the water then it is extremely inappropriate to get naked with your neighbors?

He said, "Ah, yea actually that is it."

Okay then, keep your clothes on 'cause I don't have a hot tub unless you want to all climb in our bathtub. Your call."

At this point my husband is howling!
The two of them looked at each other & finally crazy ass neighbor's husband says, "I get your point." And then smiles with relief.

Of course crazy ass neighbor is too dumb to have gotten the point and I am sure her husband had to explain on their walk home why the hell she couldn't get naked.






Wednesday, November 19, 2008

Holidays

I am seeing the holiday flyers and commercials and realize that it's upon us and I have no money or time and it's already stressing me out. Baa Humbug is the mantra this time of year.

Thanksgiving isn't so bad but since the majority of my family is all over the country we don't get to all sit down to a meal together anymore. Everyone has their own family and they do their own thing and have their own traditions. I do miss our Thanksgivings I must admit.
And unlike most people our Thanksgiving included Lasagna.

Growing up I didn't know that most people did not have wedding soup, lasagna, antipasto, meatballs along with their turkey, stuffing, candied sweat potatoes, mashed potatoes,rolls, cranberry sauce, green bean cassorole and pumpkin pie and other assorted desserts.

Honestly my life growing up was so insulated. It was family. Period. My playmates were cousins and my sisters. Until I went to other peoples homes in junior high I didn't know that others didn't have 2 sides of the table. Whether we ate Thanksgiving at our house with relatives over or we went to a relatives there was always wedding soup, lasagna etc. So to me that was normal.

One day when I was in the school cafeteria around the holidays we had turkey for lunch. I HATE turkey so I did not eat mine. A friend at the lunch room table said, "if you don't like turkey what do you eat on Thanksgiving?" I looked at her curiously and stated that "I just eat the lasagna." She laughed along with everyone else at the table. And there it began; I was embarrassed that I was different and so "ethnic." I remember going home and asking my mom after school if she was aware that it wasn't right to have something other than just turkey for thanksgiving like everyone else. I don't remember what she told me but I do remember that she was upset that I would be embarrassed. That was the beginning of having to explain to people what I began to see as my weird family. Now I find it funny because who wouldn't want everything that was on our table?

But now years later I love having lasagna because I still do not like anything about the traditional Thanksgiving dinner except the green been casserole and the pies. Oh candied sweet potatos are great but really I would rather have the pies.

Ah, but Christmas is a whole other story. Oh it's not the food, or the gifts, or the enormous family and dysfunction that causes me the most stress though - it's my damn neighborhood.

The first year we lived here. (2000) I was traveling 3 days a week or more for work. My husband was traveling the same. On weekends we could barely keep up with the house and laundry and errands etc. We were spending all weekend getting caught up on things that normal people do during the week while they are home. Decorating the outside of my house for Christmas was so low on my list of priorities that it was off my radar all together.

I got the proverbial knock on my door and it's my crazy neighbor named Peggy, holding a bottle of wine. She bugs the hell out of me but what the hell she's holding a bottle of wine so I invite her in. After having a few sips of wine she proceeds to interrogate me on why I have not done anything outside. "what do you mean by DO ANYTHING?" She said you are the only one on the block who has not decorated and don't you think it's getting a bit late? I asked her if the Home Owners Association made this mandatory & I didn't get the memo. She laughed and said, "Oh No, but it just doesn't look good for you and we've all been wondering..." I wanted to scream at this nut job but instead I suggested, "if you would like to help yourself to the outside of my house while you are home all week please feel free to do so because I have not had the time or the inclination to do so." A snide comment from her followed and she drank up and left.

Oh I got the looks from all the snotty women. That only made me more defiant in my stance that now I was NOT going to do anything to the outside of my house. This Peggy woman was a nut job and she didn't work outside her home. She had no kids, she had a cleaning woman, and a personal chef who made her meals and put them in her fridge and freezer and labeled them for her for heaven's sake. She had a person do her yard work & landscaping. She went to the gym or shopping every day. I did not have that luxury. Why the hell didn't she have the time to decorate my house outside if it bugged her so much?

The following year I bought a Menorah and put it in the window.....that kept them quiet and off my back that year. Not a single snippy word, not a nasty glance or a Merry Christmas, but a Happy Holiday! (that cracked me up) These Stepford Women were all confused now and being politically correct no one knew what the hell to say or do. I have to admit that I got immense joy from that.
My husband laughed like hell but as always he just shook his head and laughed at his crazy wife.

Monday, November 17, 2008

FINALLY.....

Been gone for awhile and Glad that's over!

Working a 2nd job to help out a friend and I could not see straight.....Glad that's over.
Then went out of town to a funeral.....Glad that's over
Hubby had food poisoning when I got back......REALLY GLAD THAT'S OVER.

I have never had food poisoning but in the 21 1/2 years I have known my Big Guy he has had it 2 or 3 times. This time it was from KFC. He loves KFC and I can tell you with conviction he will not be eating there again. Somehow that turns him off to all KFC's.
I get it though, I got so sick once on vodka that I have never had a drop of vodka again.
To this day I can no longer drink orange juice either. Oh, not because vodka was in it, no, this time it was because I had to drink this horrific thick, icky substance before a surgery and they told me to put it in my o.j. I listened and now I can not drink o.j.

So you ask what do you drink at brunch? Well now at brunch I have Bloody Mary's made with gin, there is always another way around a problem now isn't there?

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

Yes We Can

....Yes We Did!

No more political commercials.
No more polling political phone calls.
No more people asking us for campaign contributions.
That I am thankful is over.

I am thrilled at the American turnout.
I am thrilled that American's came out to vote in recored numbers.
The numbers were American Idol numbers and isn't that wonderful?
Isn't it great that this year people were as glued to the televison for the results of a presidental race as they normally are for the winner of American Idol?

I watched a lot of the results coverage on BBC. Facsinating to watch.
Non Partisian - completely.
Their view on America and their unbiased opinions of the facts were great to witness.
Oh they had a few state names incorrect, like New Hampshire being North Hampshire - but honestly American's can't even name anywhere in the UK other than London so that is an easy mistake to overlook.

Little sleep in my household but all worth it to me.

To quote a '60's song by Bob Dylan.....
The times they are a changin'

Tuesday, November 4, 2008

VOTE!

Well now you really have no excuses.

Let's see, you can get free coffee at Starbucks if you tell 'em you voted.
You can get free Krispy Kreme Donuts & free Ben & Jerry's ice cream.
And if that weren't enough you can also get some free adult toys.

I kid you not. I just read that this store in Seattle and NY are giving away mini vibrators or a penis sleeve thing-a-ma-jig if you walk into this adult store and tell them you voted.
Apparently they are going to take your word on this one.

I think I'll stick with the Ben & Jerry's.
:-)