Tuesday, May 27, 2008

Does a Bear Shit in the Woods?

What a crazy weekend.

We were on the lake riding around on the boat burning gas like every good American over the holiday weekend. We were returning home from our new favorite Tiki Bar on the lake. All of a sudden my hubby announces that he has to go to the bathroom and NOW. We are not even close to home and it's just as far to go back to the Tiki Bar and apparently he can't wait from the way he is driving the boat.

As I sit up front I see him heading straight towards what appears to be a deserted island. Either way too damn fast heading straight to this land mass.

Now we have been known to anchor our boat at one of the 31 islands throughout the lake and have a picnic or just anchor and play in the water but this was a bit different. He did not slowly go towards the island and anchor. Oh no! As I sat in the front he was going full speed ahead to this land mass. I yelled, "what the hell are you doing?" He yelled back, "I can't make it home!"

We went right up to the sand and he almost fell out of the boat, his foot caught the top as he went tumbling over to a tree and tied up the boat. He grabbed the toilet paper(which he carries in the glove box which is a whole other blog)and ran like the wind into the woods. I, being the ever good wife, am laughing hysterically at him. All I could do was laugh....and take pictures of course.





He comes back out of the woods shaking his head with a bit of a smirk. I asked if he felt better. He laughed and said, "Yes, but there is a walking trail here. We have to go."

"NO!  You've got to be kidding me! Are you sure it's an actual trail?"
He said, "Well, as I was...you know...a couple was walking and I looked over and saw the husband steer his wife/girlfriend in the other direction looking appalled. I was mortified too but I couldn't get up at that moment. So we really should leave - quickly.
For God's sake do you think you could put the camera down Margaret, please?"





He begins to push the boat off the land and he jumps in the boat.
I am still laughing and he is pissed at me. But c'mon it's damn funny.
As we made our way around the island we realized that this was a new part of the state park and not only was there a new guarded beach there but also walking trails. OH MY GOD.
He wasn't kidding me.
There were a million antidotes going through my head but decided to not share them with him because he was already mortified by this whole event.
One thing is for sure, My husband is never boring!!
He always keeps me laughing!(I removed all pix w/his face to protect the "innocent" but check out the TP under his arm...that cracks me up!)

Thursday, May 22, 2008

The World According to American Idol

Okay do the judges know who won before the rest of us do? Hmmmm.....
Is it fixed? Another head scratcher isn't it?

Something seemed fishy to me when Simon apologized to David Cook. Don't get me wrong I thought it was lovely and wonderful for him to realize that he can be such a schmuck and that by no means did Archuleta have it in the bag. But it just seemed a bit off to me that he did it when he did. But then again I am misanthropic and pessimistic at best so you tell me.

While I may be the above aforementioned adjectives I also think I have a great idea here.
Now hear me out please....but tell me what you think.

We do the U.S. Presidential election just like American Idol.
We are just about complete now with the elimination phase of lousy singers...err I mean politicians and it is down to 2, I mean 3 of them.
(Didn’t someone just throw in their hat for the libertarian party?)

We DO NOT hear from them except on the evening of the shows telecast.
(very important tid-bit)

There will be 2 weeks of this contest.
Tuesday nights we see them "perform." They will talk about the issues they wish to talk about and then do their stumping. The 2nd half of the show they will have Ryan Seacrest give them questions that have been sent in from American’s via online and/or called in. They must give the American people their answers on the spot.

Then America votes on who should be eliminated by phoning in and or voting online. Only 1 vote per person who is of legal age and a legal American citizen. (C'mon Bill Gates can figure out how that can be done for us I'm sure...or Oprah she knows everything.)

Then on Wednesday night it's the results show. That will eliminate 1 of the 3.
The remaining 2 have a set amount of time to address any other issues they wish to address and it's a short show. The eliminated contestant will not have to sing through the tears though - we'll just forgo that step.

Now we are down to 2 candidates.
The following Tuesday we do it all again as stated above.
Both candidates get to have their "15-30 minutes" to do their thing.
The American public then gets to vote once again without ever having to leave their home and put on pants. Hell for that matter they don't even have to put down the cheese doodles.

The following Wednesday there is a 2 hour special results show. Ryan will have on former presidents speaking, senators and other assorted politico’s to entertain.
Then Ryan will read who the American public has voted for. The new President elect will grab the podium and they will drop the confetti. Smiling proudly he/she will give their thank you speech at the end.
Ta-Da - it's over.

Just think - no listening to this garbage and bickering for months/years. No whining. Move on with your life. No longer becoming desensitized by all the noise. No commercials about them either. No more hearing, “And I approved this message”

Remember we don't see commercials about each Idol wannabe - just commercials advertising for the upcoming show. You must watch the show. You must do your own homework. No shit. Imagine having to do your own reading about the facts instead of listening to the snarky sound bites and believing the hype and bullshit.
No info about the behind the scenes and who is banned from backstage. (like Bubba - and you know you saw that coming)

I say everything just like American Idol. What do ya think?

I think you'd get more people to vote then wouldn't you?

Monday, May 19, 2008

Sick as a Dog

Where did that expression come from anyway?

Hubby brought home this damn cold, flu, sickness - whatever you wish to call it.
I have a sore throat that is beyond anything I have ever experienced. I have very little voice. Which is not a good thing when your job is the phone.

We spent yesterday wrapped up in blankets on the couch sleeping on and off and watching movies. Currently sitting on the coffee table in front of the sofa where we were holed up all weekend is dayquil, nyquil, theraflu, Ibuprofen, coldeze, assorted sugar free sore throat lozengers and boxes of kleenex. We have never been sick at the same time so it's been interesting.

Normally it's me first and he is making vats of homemade soup for me and taking care of me. When he's down I do the same in return - minus the homemade soup - mine is from a can because I am not good at homemade soup. He is the King of homemade soups! Martha Stewart would not only be proud, but jealous at his level of expertise on soups. I know, who knew?

Yesterday we sipped on homemade chicken noodle soup that we froze from the last time he made a batch. Hubby can't make a batch for 2 people - he must make a vat to feed a small country. Then we load up the freezer and Thank God for that yesterday!!! It was delicious and soothing. We were like 2 kids eating it yesterday, all the while slurping and just not giving a shit about manners. It was so good on the throat and was just what we needed. We went back and forth wtih soup,nap, medications, juice, naps and did it all over again.

We watched the movie Juno yesterday during one of those few hours where we were awake. We found it just was okay - not all that like the buzz surrounding it. Or maybe I would have liked it more if the buzz hadn't been so loud. I don't know. It was quirky and it was interesting which normally we both gravitate towards but when it was over we looked at each other and went - "hmm, it wasn't THAT great."

Also could have been the myriad of medications we were mixing up as well. Who knows.
I know that I am thankful I can work in my pajama's that is for sure today. I feel so badly for my husband because not only did he have to go to work today but it's his birthday. What a lousy birthday for him. I made him his favorite cake which he had 1 piece of yesterday. He had it because it was there more than he really wanted it ya know?

He asked for my homemade eggrolls for dinner tonight. He asked for those prior to getting sick so I am not sure that is going to be what he feels like eating when he gets home. So I have to make those today but I can at least work and make dinner in my pj's with no makeup on and not have to deal with the general public like he is having to do today. Poor guy. But we have a long weekend coming up and I hope to make it up to him. :-)

Right now we are just looking forward to being able to breath through both nostrils, to sleep without waking from all the coughing, and to be able to swallow and not feel like there are chards of glass in our throat. If we could just get a weekend without all that we will have a great weekend to look forward to.

Boy it's a sad state of affairs when you think that makes a good weekend isn't it?
Oh Happy Birthday Big Boy!

Friday, May 16, 2008

Are you Scottish?

I have decided that it is official ..... I have a thing for Scottish Men.
Who knew? Mmmmm yummy.

My hubby is adopted but after finding his birth mom he discovered that he is only Irish on his mom's side and Irish and Scottish on his father’s side. That could explain a lot I suppose.

If you’ve been reading this regularly you know I have a crush on Craig Ferguson. Or as he is known here on my blog, my boyfriend. And now after watching the movie, P.S. I love you twice my new crush is Gerard Butler. Hummina hummina hummina.
Manly man. Like husband. Ooooh!!!

I watched P.S. I Love You from PPV and recorded it. Last night there was nothing on TV so my husband said he wanted to watch it and did I want to watch it again? Assuming it wouldn’t make me cry the 2nd time around I said sure.

I cried just as much for heaven’s sake I’m such a wuss.
But my big ole hunky hubby did the same thing. In the first couple frames I see him wiping his eyes. Ahh I love the ole softie. He liked the movie and his quote was, “This was far better than I thought...good movie.”
It made you laugh a lot. Yes, it was moving, but it was also funny.
Like life ya know?
Harry Connick Jr.’s character was a hoot! I loved him in this.

So my weekend plans are to find what other movies this hunk-a-hunk-a burning love has been in and of course I’ll just have to add this man to my LIST.....tee hee

Wednesday, May 14, 2008

Realtor Musings

Is it just hubby and me or are all female realtors snotty arrogant simpletons?

Because the nature of our business I have to endure many many calls from realtors looking to have their clients have us do work for them to move a sale quickly.
There has NEVER been a single female realtor that doesn’t say the following 2 things.Male realtors never utter either of these phrases. Why is that?
1. Are you any good?
2. If you do a good job for me then I will send a lot of business your way.

My God what company says anything other than Yes to that dumb question?
It falls in line with asking a waitress if the soup is any good. Do you honestly think she is going to tell you it sucks as does all the food here? No. Not going to happen.
But number 2 really makes me laugh. They are so incredibly snotty and arrogant when they say this to me in their tone that even today it takes me aback. I so want to say back to them, “Oh it's a good thing you said that because we would have just done a real shitty job otherwise.”

When my hubby and I were living in the Pacific Northwest we were in front of a house waiting on the realtor to meet with us. As we sat in the car my husband looked in his rear view mirror as a car pulled in behind us, “I think this may be her, she’s in a Lexus.” (translation: realtor car) Indeed it was the realtor we were meeting for the first time in person. While hubby was looking in his rear view mirror something possessed me to put down my visor and look in the visor mirror. I’m glad I did because if he had told me what I was about to see I wouldn’t have believed my husband.

As she got out of her car she systemically fluffed the bleached blonde straw like hair, pulled UP her skirt and pulled DOWN the zipper on her blazer to show enough cleavage to be just shy of completely falling out of her top. (She was not wearing a blouse under this blazer.) My husband and I looked at one another and began to laugh. I said, “well you’ve been talking to her, did you not tell her I was coming too?” He laughed and said, “I told her that my wife and I would meet her so who knows, but this is pretty damn funny. She looks ridden hard and put away wet though don’t ya think?”
That phrase of his cracks me up but boy it couldn’t have fit her more perfectly.
I wonder how she would have reacted had we asked if she was any good?

I went to real estate school last year. It was filled with Stepford-like women and vacant-eyed men.
I know, I know, you're saying to yourself, “Margaret that is a horrific stereotype.” You would be correct in saying that I realize, but in my case I have yet to meet one, talk to one, or have one work with me on selling my home that isn’t a complete and utter simpleton. (Don’t even get me started on their utter lack of sales and negotiating skills...that’s a whole other blog day.)
I needed the class to learn things for my flipping business but I could not be a realtor. At least I sure don't think so. This class showed me that this was like a secret club that I was not informed of to attend these classes. They wore the same clothes all had the same hair and it was all done with the same attitude that it was astounding to me. I am not sure how they let me into this school. I felt just like on Sesame Street when they would sing “one of these things is not like the others.”

Wednesday, May 7, 2008

I Married a Hillbilly

When I tease my husband and call him a big ole goober he always corrects me and says to me, “hey I’m a hillbilly.” I always laugh but by God it’s official now – he is.

To rewind for a minute.....

I met hubby back in 1987. He was good looking and very well dressed. He loved to travel and was smart with a quick wit and sophisticated compared to most of the local yokels I was meeting while living in that little town.

I knew he wasn’t from there just by looking at his dress and demeanor and I assumed he was from a big city and just there for his career as a pit stop. But he corrected me and told me he was from a very small town in central PA – an old coal mining town. He told me his little town had 2 traffic lights on either ends of town. He talked about how he always wanted to leave and we bonded over that need to move on and travel.

Fast forward a few years and he was taking me back to his hometown to meet his mom. We went 1 block and we went through a traffic light and a blinking light at the end of the block. That was the town. What a hoot! Everywhere we went everyone knew him. Whether it was the local pharmacy or the local bar. Everyone called out his name and couldn't wait to see him and pat him on the back. Think Mayberry and what it's like for Andy to walk down the street - same thing here.

He had such a different upbringing. I thought living in the suburbs of a city made me a little bit more country – NOT EVEN CLOSE. He hunted and fished and ate things that I would never eat and most would consider road kill. Of course with an Italian mom their road kill had “sauce” on it.

Over the years we have shared stories of our lives and his always make me giggle. They are Leave It To Beaver meets the Beverly Hillbillies – without the money. I love to tease him about this when he walks out with two different color socks on (okay he’s a bit color blind but it’s still too easy of a target not to tease him!) or when he knows all the critters in a jeopardy category because as he says, he was “critter boy” growing up.

He received his invitation to his class reunion this weekend. (the last one he never got an invite due to moving) He opened the mail and he was laughing so hard I had to ask what the hell was so funny. He didn't speak he just handed me the invitation and I read it and then looked up at him with my mouth open.

“Is this for real or is this a joke?”

“Sadly Margaret this is for real. I told you I was a hillbilly”

“But what really strikes me as funny is not the fact that they are doing it this way but that it’s back by popular demand. Oh My God Rick.”
 He read it aloud while wiping the tears from his eyes.
“We have decided to make this reunion another casual affair, and celebrate “redneck” style, for the last one seemed to be a big hit. Come dressed in your Camo or Orange and join your classmates in a relaxing evening of fun and reminiscing.”


For you city folks here is the translation.....Camo = camouflage. Orange = orange hunting gear. (oh my!!)

“Margaret we’ll have to go shopping I haven’t a thing to wear”

“Oh, I don’t think I can attend Rick, I don’t look good in orange and without the right clothes  I just couldn’t handle the peer pressure”

Tuesday, May 6, 2008

Puzzles

Thought I'd send a picture of the puzzle I completed and of course the Blue one which mocks me.



These pieces are small and I am apparently someone who rode the short bus to school. I got all the non-blue pieces in the "Blue Puzzle" and then it just became blue. And then I screamed.




Friday, May 2, 2008

The Kentucky Derby and other Friday Ramblings

I finally finished the sandwich puzzle. YIPEE. In reality that didn’t take too long. It drove me nuts until I finished it. I mean the salami looked a lot like the pepperoni. I know you’re thinking....how can that be are you blind?
Sort of, but even with the reading glasses on it honestly did look the same.
Hubby is still working on the BLUE puzzle. I refuse. I swear that puzzle mocks me.


Speaking of blind I am now of the age that I can’t read a friggin’ thing without my bifocals. Honestly it has become hysterical. I mean if you don’t laugh you will cry.
The other morning I was trying to read something on my vitamin bottle. I couldn’t read it so I put on my glasses. Still couldn’t read it. Put it under a lamp with said glasses on and still couldn’t make it out. So I handed it to my husband who with bifocals couldn’t read it. So then we turned the lights on above the kitchen island and held it directly underneath....neither of us could read this and we began to laugh like we were delirious. Rick looked at me and said, “I think our next step is going to be Braille.”
I stopped laughing for a moment and realized he is probably correct.
I believe with all my heart that this old age shit is depressing but if you don’t find the humor & laugh it seriously can drive you crazy. Those old people who mumble to themselves....they are just frustrated because their arthritis is killing 'em, they can’t see where they are going,they can’t remember where they parked the car and they can’t see the numbers on their cell phone to call for assistance. That is me in a few more years....who the hell am I kinding it’s closer than that.


We saw Helen Hunt on my boyfriends show (Craig Ferguson in case you aren’t paying attention) We used to love, love, love her show Mad About You. My hubby had a crush on Helen. Since she was on my boyfriends show we DVR'd it and watched it this morning over our coffee. Start the day with us both smiling.


What happened next is such a telling sign of our society and it’s quite sad actually. She came out in a beautiful red dress looking amazing. I only wish I could wear a dress that form fitting and look so good. Anyway, Rick looked over at me and said, “she hasn’t succumbed to having all that work done on her face. Look at her jowls and eyes. Good for her.” 

I responded, “Think about that. You actually had to comment on the fact that she looks normal for her age. For you to comment on that in any way means that looks foreign to you.” 

He thought about that for a moment and said, “My God I have turned into THEM. How disgusting.” And without missing a beat he stated, “Well I’d do her.
Gee, thanks for sharing...I’m sure Helen will be thrilled to hear that.


This weekend is the Kentucky Derby. I loved going to the Derby. For me it had nothing what so ever to do with horses racing. I was in my 20’s and it was all about just having a damn good time.


The 1st year I went with my friend Craig and his friends and we all drove down following each other in 2 cars. The 2nd time my friend Craig rented an RV and invited all his friends, his brother and me. That was a hoot but I didn’t know anyone other than Craig and his brother but after 2 ½ days with people in an RV you get to know ‘em fast. The poor kid with intestinal issues on the RV was getting known rather quickly. We had to stop the RV and all run out for fresh air. I still remember that poor kid’s name. He took a lot of abuse but it was funny at the time.


The 3rd time I went I went with the same crew in an RV and brought another girlfriend of mine to add to the mix. She and I got the idea that we could do this with better food and more organization for less money if we rented the RV and we invited our friends. So we went out and rented the RV the following year, we planned the menus so the food was more than just junk food that the boys brought. We bought the booze and we each invited the same amount of guests a piece. My friends didn’t know hers and vice versa. The entire trip down there took 8 hours. The first hour is quiet. No one really knows anyone and it’s a bit awkward. The booze began to flow and some funny cigarettes were in circulation. The 2nd hour everyone is loud and talking, laughing and generally yukking it up. I do remember there were card games and such going on as well.


The deal between she and I was that who ever drove down must of course be the designated driver and then we would switch so that no one got stuck being the sober one both ways. That seemed fair and childish in retrospect but we were in our 20’s. At least we were smart enough to not party while being the driver.


By the time we get there everyone knows everyone else pretty darn well. Instead of junk food I remember making meatball hoagies. I remember “brownies” I remember the booze, I even remember steaks and eggs for breakfast with mimosas. But I don’t remember any other foods. Yet I remember planning menus together prior to the trip.
Oh my spotty memory.


I remember driving home and all of us in the RV thought that people were really being friendly – we thought it must be a southern thing. Oh this still cracks me up because everyone was going by us and honking and waving at us. We were smiling, laughing and waving back to them, utterly clueless.  Someone said, "Wow the southerners sure are friendly" 

Come to find out that we were losing things that were tied up to our RV, like lawn chairs flying onto the highway. Oh yea they were friendly – duh! They were just trying to tell us with the honking and the wild waving of their arms that things were coming off our RV and being strewn about on the highway. My God we could have hurt someone. But oh no, we think they are just so damn friendly down south and we smiled and waved back at them and honked our horns too. What idiots. They must have thought we were incredibly stupid to say the least. (damn yankees) But it is kind of funny.


During the actual running of the horses, we were all inside the track with all the other young crazy partiers. You know the area they DON’T show on TV. They only show the fancy pants people with the dresses and pretty hats.


I remember my friend who we couldn't find because she just walked off.  So 2 of us walked around for over an hour looking for her...all the while carrying and drinking mint juleps of course....we found her sleeping on a chair that belonged to God knows who. She just laid down on someone’s chaise type lawn chair and took a nap. (okay probably more like passed out) Everyone totally oblivious to her and they were all around her talking, laughing, partying and celebrating God knows what. It was hysterical.


I also remember the first time I went to the Derby with Craig. I ordered the mint julep because everyone was doing it. I had no idea what was in it. Oh my God I am such an idiot.
It was awful. First I kept throwing out the “weed” they put on the top. Craig asked at one point what I was doing and I said I don’t get the whole green weed thingy they put on this. He shakes his head and laughs at me, “Peg it’s mint, hence the name of the drink.” "whoops" With embarrassment and shame for my hillbilly ways I drank this horrible drink even though I thought it was dreadful. I really liked the glasses the drinks came in and thought as most 20 somethings would, “hey I could use a set of these babies- I really need glasses.” So I drank 6 of ‘em so I could bring home a set of glasses. Now don’t laugh!  I bitched about the taste after every single sip/chug. I mean it’s only whisky over ice with mint. It is dreadful. For a gin drinker this was not good. But I prevailed and every year got my set of 6 glasses with that years date &  fancy picture printed on them to take home a set. Martha Stewart would be so proud.


So have a mint julep this weekend and enjoy the Derby. I’ll toast all those crazy kids inside the track with gin in a beautiful glass from William Sonoma. I’ve grown up...ever so slightly.