Crazy Ass People

It was such a long night.
Business has been crazy busy. This is a good thing.
But that wasn't the problem.

Let me go back a few days.....
Rick gave a woman an estimate for new countertops for her kitchen.
She made her choice and we ordered it.
We then gave her an installation date.

Now this woman is certifiable crazy.
She says the weirdest shit and most of it I don't believe is even close to the truth.
But we all know those types who lie to themselves and honestly believe the shit they spew. One of the things I found funny was when she called to make this first appointment and she tells me what she was looking for she told me she was the "GC" (general contractor) 
I knew she wasn't because a "GC" doesn't refer to him or herself as that. Also she didn't use the correct words for items or processes. I thought this was her first job or she was the homeowner pretending to be a GC or just nuts.

She finally gets to the part of her rambling where she tells me what she is looking for. When we talked about countertop services she didn't know the difference between Formica, solid surface or stone. C'mon your contractor would know this.
She should be referring to herself as the project manager but even that is a stretch.
After more of her ramblings I figure out she is the homeowner that thinks that title she gave herself is impressive.

The more she talked the more I knew she was nuts.
She told me about nerve problems in her neck and went on and on about how painters and dry wall men are all drunks. She thinks it's the fumes.
(if that were true Rick would be in AA)
Who tells someone all this shit when making an appointment? Crazy people that's who.
I have never called for a service and told them anything more than what was asked.
My plumber, countertop installer doesn't need to know anything about my life except for the need of their services and my ability to pay them. Do you agree?

She went through these stories while I only half listened and worked on the computer.
I continued to try to bring the conversation around to the issue at hand - her countertops.
Finally we set an appointment for the installation. But not before I had to hear why that time worked for her. She had to pick up her kids.
(And we all know how a general contractor would tell me this.)
She just doesn't want them to walk 4 blocks from the bus stop she explained.
(oh for goodness sakes, now I am assuming they are probably fat kids who need to walk and she said they were 14 and 16) 
Seriously who cares why you choose that time. Just say a time woman so I can book this!

The solid surface countertops were ordered. Rick would be doing all the fabrication and then installing it on this set date. The countertops arrived but without the adhesive. 
Great so their mess up is going to make me pay the price with this woman.

I call the company immediately and they tell us that they do not have it in stock and it will have to be ordered. WTH?  Why wouldn't you have that in your inventory?  Why didn't you share that with us when ordered? If you have a certain color slab wouldn't you have the color adhesive that goes with the slab too? Since you have to pack both in an order wouldn't you have noticed this at that time?
They go hand in hand so having only one doesn't make sense to me.
Well it was what it was and we had to deal with it.  Now I had to come up with a plan B.

I ask that they be sent over night. (additional $85)  They said they could once they get it.
They were not sure when they would receive the order.
I asked if we could cut out the middle man.
I suggested that,"I can pay you now but could you have the other company send it directly to us to make this faster."  They said no to that idea.
I realize they don't want me to the see the mark up so I suggested that they have the orginal company send it without an invoice directly to me and she could invoice me showing paid since I'm paying for it now. I was so fine with that if we could just get it faster. I know they make a profit it's okay. We all do for heavens sake. I just need it NOW. But she still said no.

Okay now I was worried.  We certainly do not want to have to tell this nut job that her counters can't be installed due to this companies fuck up. I have had to endure her constant yammering of this date and that date and she is firing this person and that person etc.
Oiy Vay!
I was told by the company that they would try to send them to me overnight once they received them.
I now knew I would have to call Ms. Nut Job to tell her there may be an issue if we can't get this in time.
Rick felt strongly that it was important to call her for a plan B just in case this didn't all fall into place. I told him, "then you do it."
He laughed and told me that was what he paid me for. Really? I get paid?

I called her and explained the situation.
I was hoping it would be here in time but it may not. Since we are completely booked until July 10th we needed to make another day work, even if it was a Sunday. We'll make it work.
I gave her some options. (I was moving other people and inconveniences them as well)

Well she went nuts. I am firing people left and right she screams at me.
She went on a tirade for 10 solid minutes. The needle in her neck for nerve root pain.
"It hurt so much" she whined. I would try to interupt to bring us back to the issue at hand. She wouldn't shut up. I half listened. Same ole story about her drunk painter who hasn't finished and it's been a month. Well then hire a professional and not some guy you got at the 7-11 standing outside asking for work who doesn't speak English and you are paying him practically nothing.  You get what you pay for you knucklehead. But I don't say that.
I pretend I am listening until she takes a breath. I then say quickly, "let's pick another date and we will continue to strive for Wednesday. It's not set in stone that we can't do this Ms. Nut Job, we just want to have a plan B."
She exhales and laughs. Yes, she now laughs! 
"Oh, Okay then let's do that."  she says all happy. 

OMG!
She is Sybil.

I continue to watch the UPS tracking and it was finally updated saying the adhesive was to be arriving yesterday afternoon.  I was ecstatic.
At 5pm we still did not have this. I see online that it states we have it but we don't.
I called UPS. They tell us it was left on the porch art 4:38p.
I explained that was why I called. I saw that but it was not left there. 
After 2 hrs of investigation too long to type it all here, we found it at a home on our street. The numbers to our home are 43535, it was left at 43635.  Great.

Rick hightailed it up there and picked it up.
He worked on the countertops until 11pm last night so that they could be installed today. They look beautiful.
The edging is gorgeous and damn I hope she is happy. 
The poor guy had a very long day. (up at 5am and in bed at 11:30p and up at 4:45a again)

This morning he has 2 other jobs before installing her countertops this afternoon at 2pm.
I pray all goes well. Something tells me there will be an issue. Just a gut feeling.
As he was leaving this morning I gave him a kiss and told him, "Good Luck"
He said, "Yeah, maybe I'll get fired." And he smiled.
I don't blame him one bit.

Tuesday

Yes, I know this young man is Tender Vittles to me.
Yes, he is young enough to be my son, if I had a kid when I was 20.
Yes, to all that but......
Oh my he is yummy!


Other news in my life -

**Rick's invention Easy Restore is flying off the shelves.
It supports itself now.
Pretty cool.
In several hardware stores across the country.
Not supporting us a great lifestyle yet, but it is selling very well and keeping us busy.

**We are going to the lake on Friday for a few days of relaxation.  I can't wait.
We rented a condo. This should prove interesting after owning a big home for 10 yrs there.
Each visit was work first, then play. Play sometimes never came.
No acre to mow, mulch, rake, paint etc.
Now this lake does not allow high rises.
One was built of 4 stories and it got everyone in a tizzy so that was the last one.
So it is more like a townhome I believe from the photo's. We'll see I suppose.

A full 3 days of boating, sun, relaxing, reading.
I'm not sure I can comprehend this concept but I will try.
It is a small place, a one bedroom. I'm not even sure where the hell it is on the lake.
I look at the lake map and am a bit puzzled so until we are there I am clueless.
While I won't be updating by the minute here or on facebook I will share when I come back.

There is a full moon and it will appear larger than normal "they" say.
Rick likes to fish at night for stripers and this will hamper his fishing big time.
He has begun to grumble. Guess we should have looked into that moon before we made these reservations so many months ago.
I know how this big full moon is making him very unhappy. Fishing, fishing, fishing.
That is all he's been thinking about. It's his zen, his relaxation and he does need it.
Me, not so much. I'm thinking of that big ole book I have been wanting to start.
Izzy is dreaming of jumping off a dock for her football for hours on end.
The rest of the lake will marvel at the beauty of this big full moon but fish boy will be grumpy. I'll get him liquored up and make him forget about the fishing at night thing.
Yea, like that is gonna happen even for Rick.

**This Miss America or whatever the competition was called this past weekend was as usual a case proving the dumbing of America. It showed how dumb these gals really are.
It is such a sad state of affairs that we value their fake boobs and "looks" and don't give a shit that they are dumber than a box of rocks. Personally, I felt that if she doesn't even understand the question and is too damn stupid to say she didn't understand the question, her sash should be ripped off her big fake chest immediately and she then falls through the floor. Done!  Off with your sash! You must now go learn to read.
You know like that old TV show, "You Are The Weakest Link...Goodbye"
Remember that show?

Vacation and Technology

I use technology just like most folks.
But I have to confess that I do not use it on vacation.
With the exception of my cell phone for airport delays or calling the hotel etc.
When I am on vacation I am on vacation from my normal life.
Vacation from the computer, work, the blog, facebook etc.
I want to be in the moment of my vacation. I want to live it.

When we rented our lake house for tourists we were always asked about wi-fi and TV's.
They needed several TV's and lots of channels. I always found that an interesting question.
They were on the water with a boat and a 20,000 acre lake.
Why do they need 4 tv's, all channels and wifi? 
It's not like it's fall or winter or even spring. Rental season was summer.
Enjoy all the outdoors has to offer at the lake.

Of course we had those things, (only 3 tv's) except wi-fi - not available there.
And boy that made people flip out.
I actually had a person say, "what will my children do without the internet?" 
I suggested, boating, para sailing, wind surfing, water skiing, wave boarding, putt-putt, bike riding, suggested tourist traps like the cliff diving, swimming, etc. I also went on to explain the game room with it's video games, darts, plethora of board games, corn hole, puzzles etc. Nope, she told me that was not a vacation. TV and internet were necessary.

Alright if that isn't a vacation to you then why in the hell are you renting a lake home?
Why bother going to a lake then if you have no intention of enjoying life on a lake? 
I never could quite figure that out.
Go to Google, perhaps they have an amusement park of technology for the whole family.
No one will have to talk to one another or interact, just play with technology all day and then google maps can find your way back to your car.

This week I have been noticing that while on their honeymoon my stepdaughter and son in law are constantly updating their facebook with photo's of everything they do.
Every day constantly posting round the clock.
Well, not posting everything they do on a honeymoon, but they are posting every other thing they do for sure. Why?
Why the hell aren't they just enjoying their vacation?
Why do they have their IPad's and post? Why, why, why???
Why can't anyone just be in the moment anymore?
Why can't people just enjoy their life and post it upon return?
Why can't people just be?
Could people really addicted to their technology?
I really think it's like crack for most people and damn that is a sad state of affairs.

Is it something more, or deeper? Are some folks so unhappy with their life that they are avoiding it? They get comfort from it instead of from others or themselves?
I really wish I knew a psychologist I could ask this question to, because I think this is far bigger than what we think.

I must be the last one who enjoys the quiet.
I enjoy just being with Rick without distractions.
And I am so old/odd that I prefer to hold a book to read. I know I'm a fucking dinosaur.

Honestly if Rick had his nose in his computer instead of just being with me on vacation I'm not sure I'd be thrilled about that. We sat at the pool bar a great deal on our last vacation- never once sent photo's back to anyone until we got home.
We just enjoyed the pool bar. A LOT. We swam with dolphins, we had massages and we met new people and played in the pool and went out to dinners and just had fun living.
Never once did I miss my computer. I think I am missing that gene.

I enjoy being away on vacation from my normal life.
That "normal" life is full of technology, phones and stress.
A vacation at the beach sounds heavenly to me right now.
Especially at a 5 star resort like they are "enjoying".
Trust me you wouldn't be receiving any updates from me until I return back to my regularly scheduled life. Especially from my honeymoon.

Do you vacation with all your technology or do you just enjoy your vacation?
If you do vacation with your ipad, cell phone, laptop etc. could you share why? 
Inquiring minds want to know.

T.G.I.F....finally!

This just made me giggle. I watch the Food Network (and HGTV) more than any other channels.  So I could relate to this more than I care to admit.


_______________________________________________________

Sadly I can relate to this one as well and it's certainly true in my case.

______________________________________________

It was a clear moment around 4ish yesterday. No rain and semi-sunny.
I grabbed Izzy and insisted she go outside for a walk with me because she was sitting next to me at my desk and farting. They were so stinky she was gagging me.
But you see the Diva Dog will not go out when it is raining.
She will hold it forever if it is raining.
I looked outside and it was not raining so I grabbed her leash and we headed out for our walk.

She was squatting as I was unfurling the poop bag. All of a sudden it became black and the wind picked up instantly. I had to brace myself not to fall over. In the mean time I look at Izzy and I swear it goes back in/up and she jumps up and takes off running. I am attempting to run behind her in flip flops. Ever try that? Not easy.

But Miss Izzy doesn't like rain or wind in her face so she is off and running like a race horse. I yell for her to stop.  She stops, shakes and takes off again. I yell again. I then unleash her because she is running so fast and I'm in flip flops. She's pulling my arms out of their socket.
(And I have a torn labrum right now to boot)
Once she is free she high tails it all the way home. I am running behind her with the leash and finally with my flip flops in my hand so I could run faster. This had to be a site.
Although at that point it was so windy and raining sideways I could barely see anything.
So hopefully no one else could either.

I dried her off and changed my clothes.
It felt like I had just taken a shower with all my clothes on.
As soon as I changed into dry clothes the sun came out. Figures.
So we went back outside to have her do her business. 
I opened the front door and she slowly peaks her head out the door -but her butt is still inside. She wouldn't step out just yet. 
I went out and said, "see it's not raining." with my palms to the sky like she knows what the hell I am talking about. Seriously when it comes to this damn dog I am crazy ass nuts.
She wouldn't move....instead she backs up into the house.
What the hell kind of dog does this?  Big Diva Dog that's who.
I pull her outside. She shakes and looks around.
I guess she then realized it wasn't raining and we could go outside. Whew.
By the time she was done it began to rain again so we ran home... again.
This time I was wearing sneakers. Oh so much easier! 

But for a dog who will swim until she gets limp tail syndrome she sure is scared of a little water coming from the sky. I don't get it. It's water.

Have a good weekend everyone!
I'm going to drink and eat poorly.
Yep that is a goal for the old broad.

When We Old People Were Kids.

You Won't Hear Me Utter The Following.....

THINGS I WILL JUST NEVER SAY......

• I'm running in a marathon.
• Hey I'll get that from the top shelf for you.
• I can't wait to work out.
• Oh no thanks, I'm too full for dessert.
• Why I'd love to go to church with you.
• Size doesn't matter.
• Can you turn up the rap music, I need it louder!
• Oh I can't eat that....It's just too sweet for me.
• I'll take a veggie burger instead.
• I'd love to go out with you Mr. Clooney.
• Gosh aging is such fun.
• George Zimmerman is innocent.
• Oh Please don't, you might get throat cancer.
• I hate chocolate
• Please don't give me more money.
• I want to get a cat.
• I love the boston red sox.
• I wish my boobs were bigger.
• Let's jump out of a plane for no apparent reason.
• I just can't get enough  spam comments.
• Do these pants make my ass look too small?
• Please add more mixer to my gin.
• I can't get enough of that great show Big Bang Theory

Beautiful Weekend.

OMG!
That was all we said all weekend.
What a great weekend we had. Busy but fun.

I met the bride at age 7. Her parents had been divorced by this time for over 4 years.
I met her mom when she was 8 or 9.
It was at the funeral of Rick's mom and the brides grandmother. Rick introduced me to his daughters mom and as I put out my hand to shake hers she turned away from me.  Not without me seeing her roll her eyes at me.

There were several more incidents like this. Words were never uttered. Just the ignored and silent treatment. Then there was high school graduation. I extended my hand and the only one to take it was the new step father. He invited us to the graduation party they were having and she said loudly and while looking at us both back and forth, "YOU ARE NOT WELCOME THERE!"  Okay then. The step father looked embarressed, looked at the floor and said nothing. We both said, "that's fine,we'll make plans to see her later."
Again not wanting to start anything in the gymnasium of this big day for the graduate.
It was not about us at that moment in time.

We have not been welcome at any event in her life. Once when tried it was ugly. We do not want to make a scene and make this about us or make her as the child uncomfortable so we walk away. Sometimes I didn't agree but it was not my child and I wasn't married so I said my piece to Rick and he did what he felt was best.

So imagine how we felt this wedding was going to be.
We discussed that we were not going to say anything and if we had to we would float in the background so as to not disturb or make waves. This was about the bride and groom.  We did not want focus off them for one minute!  I was certain, as well as Rick, that I was going to be the person in the corner being ignored. In the past if the mom wouldn't talk to me she made sure no one else did either.  Knowing Rick would be mingling with everyone and know everyone I was certain it was going to be a long lonely weekend for me. But I put on my big girl panties and was going to have fun come hell or high water. This was costing us a fortune that we didn't have and by God I was going to at least try to have fun somehow.

I painted and spackeled. Gray gone and white legs gone.
I started with the ole spray tan on the chubby gams.

Doesn't look tan does it?  That is because I am normally the color of my shorts here. This was dark for me.

We dropped off the dog early Thursday morning and hit the road.
It was cloudy but not yet raining. This was 7:30am

Then the storm from Andrea I believe was the name began. We drove west and through it as it made it's way east.  We had rain at times that was difficult to see. Like a white out in snow only this was rain. Then the trucks and their overspray and we lost an hour of travel time.  Add traffic and let me tell you what a fun drive this was.

Why didn't we fly you ask? We thought about it and I was concerned about all the things we had to bring and what if things were lost and then we had the whole rent a car factor because we would be driving so much. So we thought we'd just drive. But we were 2nd guessing that at this point/picture above.

We arrived in time to get unpacked, cleaned up and close our eyes for 30 minutes.
My crazy ass husband attempted to take a photo of me before we left. He tried 8 times.
All of them fuzzy. This was the best one. Then again, maybe I look better fuzzy.

Here is my Big Guy before leaving for the rehearsal. Yep we were told it was causal .

We then headed out to the rehearsal.   I have to say my stomach was in knots. Meaness and pettiness are not my friends and Imodium became my savior. Yea, I was a mess.  I didn't know what I was walking into but I was putting on my "Peggy Face" as I refer to it in my sales career. I was going to smile, be nice and be damned if I was ignored. I would act like it didn't matter to me. "don't let them see you sweat" was my mentality forging ahead.

Deep Breath.  I walked in hand in hand with Rick. I saw the brides mom and went straight towards her and extended my hand. I said, "Hi Barb, so nice to see you again."
This time she shook my hand and was nice. I shook her husbands hand and we 4 made small talk. Awkward small talk. But it was nice.

We went through the drills. Both fathers were walking her down the aisle. They decided that they were going to carry her. Everyone laughed!   I thought they were being weird but everyone was getting along and damn it that was all that mattered!!

I attempted to take photos as you can see the camera in front of me here. But I had to see better so threw on my glasses.  Barb and I sat out there pretending we had been "seated" and we chatted while they continued the procession down the "aisle"  Rick shot this photo because he was shell shocked.  Great way to be surprised if you ask me.

We headed over to the restaurant and met everyone. We ate, drank and played nice. It was a nice evening. Yes the other set of parents were at the opposite end of the table but that was fine. There was laughter and stories and all around a nice evening.  The bridal party was fun with a capital F and they were all having a grand time. Wine flowed, Peg was happy.

The Bride and Groom below..... Happy Faces.

The brides's other set of parents.

The Groom's Parents.

By the time Rick and I got back to the hotel we were really exhausted it was such a full long day. 

It was so much better than anticipated and we both were thrilled about that.

It was all going to be okay.
I could exhale. The Imodium was working and I really thought for the first time that this was going to be just fine.

Friday was so busy. We picked up Rick's tux, meet a good friend of Rick's downtown for lunch and cocktails. We then headed back to the hotel to get dressed for the evening events.
We were going to dinner with the bride, groom and some of their friends. It was a beautiful place on the water and the food was awesome. I was eating very little. Wanted to fit into my dress.  Another long day and by the time we got back to the hotel we just wanted to crash!

Finally the big day had arrived and we got up late for us. Hey no Izzy waking us at 5am.
(But boy we were missing her.) Our job for the day was to go the town they lived in and pick up Gauley, one of their dogs and ring bearer. Then head back to the town of the wedding and where our hotel was.  We had to be at the wedding hall at 3pm we were told.  It was nice to have a leisure morning but at this point I just wanted this to hurry along. This whole day ended up being a hurry up and wait kind of day.

The wedding was held at the reception site. It was gorgeous.
Here are some photos of the day.

Handsome father of the bride. I love how his chin hair because it is white looks invisible.

 This woman looks like she likes this guy.

Some pretty gals here!

 Bride and Ring Bearer. This dog was so well behaved and beautiful.

 The groom, best man, his 3 sons and the brides brother.

Yea, them again.

The wedding was beautiful and not a dry eye from my Big Guy. Their wedding vows were beautiful to one another. The person marrying them did a great job and his words were perfect. When I saw the tear down the grooms face, well that's when I joined Rick in the tear department. 

The the fun part - the party.

The booze was flowing and the music began. There was dancing, oh boy was there dancing.

All had a good time. If one didn't then they were boring. Here are a few photo's from the wedding and mostly the dance floor. The father daughter dance with Rick was a tear jerker. More on that at the end.  This girl was terrific. She was such a good friend to the bride. She did so much to help with everything. I adored her. She was funny, feisty and smart along with being beautiful. This girl had it all.

This self potrait is of course of us but this is Laura the brides cousin but really like her sister. She too is a beautiful gal inside and out. We adore her.

Bride on the dance floor - c'mon it's only a buck to dance with me.

I heard this cake was out of this world good!

 Loved this guy - he was a damn hoot. We had dinner with him on Friday too. Laughs abound.

 Here he is asking the groom to dance. Got a big laugh and they danced the whole song and were good. Too funny.

Father Daughter Dance. Rick was a crying fool.

Rick was asked what song he would like to dance with Amanda to. He knew instantly.
He choose this song from Edwin McCain. Yea, not a dry eye.

Monday Morning

I'll be away for the rest of the week.
Busy last minute things before the wedding you know.
But there are a couple of things rolling around in my head that I want to discuss with you.

**Michael Douglas for one.
I saw where he recently told us all that his throat cancer could have been from oral sex.
Do we really need to know this?
It's right up there with Angelina Jolie gutting herself like a fish. We don't need to know.

Apparently Mr. Douglas says his cancer was from the HPV virus.
So is he then also sharing that his wife is not only bipolar but is infected with this as well?
Lovely thought eh?
Do we really need to know every body's damn business like this?
I find this all under the heading of TMI and I have a friggin' blog for God's sake!!

**Yesterday there were some nasty storms here in the mid Atlantic and the east coast.
While watching the baseball game in NY I found this rather funny.
Big strong men, afraid of the thunder.  Made me giggle a bit. Don't blame them one bit but seeing them jump like I would was a bit surprising.




**  I had to call the IRS today. My wait time was 40 minutes. 40 mintes!  Who has that kind of time? Like I want to talk to the IRS anyway but it is necessary. They suggested I call back on Tuesday or Wednesday when there is less congestion on the lines. Okey dokey. 

**  Cicadas!  Ohh Ick!!!  These suckers are so big and gross and noisey. OH MY GOD NOISEY!.   When walking Izzy this morning at 5:30a you would think it would be a nice quiet time of the morning. NOPE those suckers are so damn loud. And seriously how many must there be to be so loud? Louder than a lawn mower. 
Our patio has dead ones. Izzy will walk over to them , sniff them, and then walk away. Thank goodness. This morning there were 3 dead ones that weren't there yesterday.
Are they coming to my patio to die? What is this about?  I find them so so gross, so HUGE and just plain icky. I can't get them off our patio fast enough.  Those huge wings really freak me out. I am not a lover of bugs and these are big ass bugs.  Thankfully these aren't around all the time just ever 13 years of so. Hopefully they will be gone soon.....very very soon.

**Off to Ohio for the wedding.  I will try to take lots of pictures to share.
I know there will be blog fodder. See ya'll soon.

Let the Paint and Spackling Begin

The spackling has begun people. This is the ongoing saga for the wedding.

I am getting my hair cut and colored today.
We're gonna wash that gray right outta my hair!

As I have told you before I am the palest American woman with an Italian heritage you'll ever know. My husband says this is how he finds me in the dark, I am glow in the dark white. I am Jim Gaffigan color white. And you all know how white he is.
That is one pale white boy there. I could be his sister. Thank heavens I get to use make up!


I have tried to use these instant bronzers and bronzers in lotion type things.
But it is a comedy. I am always streaky or I have stripes.
It always looks horrendous and then Rick makes fun of me.
So going with my better judgement I am not going that route this time.

I saw a coupon in our local community magazine for a $19.99 airbrush tan.
Since my crazy little Asian seamstress asked me, "you go outside? you legs same color you shoes."  I realized that my legs matching my silver shoes was not a good thing.

Now it only lasts 5-7days. But if I imagined me waiting until the day before I leave for Ohio and I would be the color of that Orange Prick of NY, D.Trump.
I do not want to be the color of that orange prick.
So I decided to do this twice if necessary.

Last evening after work I did it for the first time.
I actually look tan and not orange. So what in the hell is that oompa loompa prick using?
He must be getting his tanning advice from the person who "styles" that combover.

I wore my bathing suit in the tanning room but it seems one is to go in there naked.

I've had enough of that trauma this week with the seamstress fondly my boobs.
I am not thrilled to be in my birthday suit for this cute young thing.
She's young and looks like the actress Kaley Cuoco. I will traumatize her.

Besides, If I'm not having sex with you, I'm not getting naked. End of story for me.She asked me if I was going to take my suit off. I said, "No I don't want to scare you."
She laughed and said, "oh I have seen it all trust me and I mean ALL"
" Yea, I bet you have, I say, but there is no way I am doing that so can you work around my suit please?"  She says flatly, "Sure there are some others like you."
I wonder what the hell that means?  Short? Old? Poster child for Gravity? Not liking public nudity? Self conscious? All of the above?

I was told by this cute young thing spraying me that I should not bath until this morning.
It was smelly and sticky. My dog kept smelling my legs and then walking away in disgust. But the damn dog kept coming back, smelling me, then looking up at me.
It was making Rick and I  laugh. She probably wondered, "it looks like her but it doesn't smell like her. Who is this?"  It was pretty funny to watch her. 
I couldn't wait to shower this morning. Izzy smelled me again and her tail wagged this time. I was back....only with a tan.

This was cool I have to admit. No lying in the sun. No creating wrinkles for the sake of a tan. So just like all those celebrities and the washed up celebrities on Dancing With The "Stars" I too have bronze limbs.

I asked for her to do this light. Remember, I'm pale.
I didn't want to look like The Tan Mom.
And I wouldn't want it any darker. Just enough that my legs no longer match my shoes.

My husband got measured for a tux and shoes.
He got a haircut.
That was it.  He will look fabulous.
And after all of this he will still look better.
Me = weeks of running around and $$$$$ spent.
Rick - 30 minutes tops. less than $130 spent.
Fair? Not a chance.
But my mom has been telling us since we were wee little things that life isn't fair.
Or was that told to us because she was the mother of 5 girls?

Girl Angst - Men Look Away

Okay I've had boobs for a very long time.
But I am now learning things I never would have thought I needed or would be doing for my boobs! Like Chicken Cutlets.

First this wedding.....argh!!
I was asked to wear a particular color and while it is certainly not a color I would have chosen it could have been worse, like yellow or orange. So not bad really.
Second I will be ostracised at this damn thing by the brides mother  and family so I will remain in a corner quietly drinking. I had hoped to at least be a nice looking alcoholic in the corner. It appears this may be a stretch.

I hate shopping.
I have always hated shopping so shopping when I am forced to is even worse for me.
I would rather have root canal without drugs than go clothes shopping.
I would rather iron, clean the toilets and walk through a room of bees naked.
Get it? I don't like to shop.

Off  I went to the big stores and the bridal shops for a "mother of the bride" type dress. Those all look like things my grandmother would wear. Then when you want something to cover your arms they give you a jacket made of brocade that looks like your great grandmothers sofa. Hideous. 

It has to be age appropriate for the occasion.
It has to be a bit formal for the type of evening wedding it is etc.

I tried on so many dresses this year it was probably more than I have ever tried on in my entire lifetime. (I only tried on 3 wedding dress for my own wedding.)
Dresses that were full length type gowns would just swallow me.
I am only 5'1". They were all so hideous where ever I shopped.

So the last place I went to the woman brought me a dress that I never ever would have picked. It was street length. Okay I'll try it on I tell her but it's too young and I will look awful.  Hah, it didn't look awful.  It fit , well except the top.  So it was ordered in a larger size to accommodate the "girls" We knew we would have to alter the rest.

It has been hemmed, (twice) it has been taken in the waist, (twice) it has had extra fabric put in around the bust. Had another fitting, still did not fit properly. The dress is strapless and it is too big across the top of the dress. It now fits oddly in the boobs too. So the woman tells me it's my strapless bra. She tells me what kind to buy. I take my new strapless back and start again.

I then spend the next 2 weeks looking for this certain bra. Impossible. I went to specialty bra stores all across the metro area. Who drives 20+ miles to go to a bra shop you ask?
Why this dumb broad did. Who has to fork out over a $100 on a bra I will wear only once? You guessed it Evil Stepmommy here.

Then I tried all the big stores, Bloomingdale's, Macy, Nordstrom's etc. Nada. 
One was ordered and arrived from NYC and that one didn't work either.

I go back to the shop to be fitted again and tell her I can't find one.
She just got a new selection of bridal bras.  Exactly like this....

She insists I try on this above. (without garter) Viola. It fixed the issues with the dress.

But it still needs to be taken in at the very top. But here is the clincher....because there are no straps she tells me that my boobs needed a bit of support or lift shall we say, that normally your straps would provide.

So she comes into the dressing room with her very cold little hands and shoves chicken cutlets in the bottom of the cups. I shreik. Honestly who does that?

She could have handed them to me and I could have put them in myself.

But no, little Asian lady who laughs constantly, just shoves her hands and cups my breasts like I have strangers do this every day. 

She sees I am uncomfortable and she says laughing all the while, "Oh I do this for all brides it's no big deal. Small ones or big ones you must have these for that style of dress. I told you and you no listen"

Now she says all of this as she is moving these cutlets around and fondling my breasts.

She acts like this is normal. This is not normal to me. 

Seriously they don't fondle you this much when you have a damn mammogram!

I finally grab her hands and tell her I think I've got this. She laughs yet again.

"Okay Okay, she says laughing, You embarrassed. No big deal.

I sew them in there for you so you don't have to fix them on day of wedding."

Of course when I tell Rick this he laughs.

I remind him that if he was having his pants taken in and his tailor was fondling his balls with his cold hands for that long this wouldn't be as funny now would it?

He laughs and tells me he would prefer warm hands. 

The Idiot!!

And then I retry the dress after she is done fondling me.

Damn!   The dress fit so much better.

The crazy little nut job was right all along.

She smiles and says, "See I right. I told you"

She is now very proud of herself.

Okay she's right, but who would think I'd need cutlets? I thought those were to enhance/enlarge the bust size and heaven knows I don't need or want that.

The very top still needed to be taken in all around and the waist one more time.

But overall this made it work. Whew. She told me not to lose or gain any weight.

I just laughed.  I swear the day of the wedding I am eating a potato and will probably bust the seams of my damn dress. (I haven't had starch in months. I can't wait!)

I have one more damn fitting on Tuesday of next week. If it doesn't work I will wear a burlap sack and just be done with this.

Two weeks of this bra shit is 2 weeks too many for having to shop and stress about my damn boobs in this dress.

I swear the rest of the summer I will only wear flip flops, tshirts and shorts!

Perhaps even a burka.

Wisdom? Nah, just opinions.

A young person asked me the other day what wisdom I have being an old gal.
HA!
That got me thinking. Do I even have any wisdom being an older person?
I think most of the things I have learned are just opinions aren't they?

So not so much wisdom here sadly. Wish I had some, but I only have opinions.

I know that the guy you are so in love with with at age 23 may not be the man you want or more importantly need in your life at 33.
So getting married as a kid is just silly in this age of sex before marriage.
Your 20's should be figuring yourself out and starting your adult life.
True this is not always the case, there certainly are exceptions but the majority of the time it doesn't play out as one would hope.

Holding a grudge does nothing but hurt you. There is a saying that I never understood as a young person but as I aged I realized how so very true it was. Holding a grudge is like drinking poison hoping the other person will hurt or die. That grudge only affects you, never the one you want it to.  Besides they just don't give a shit so why should you?

Letting go of shit is something as I have aged that I can do more easily.
Is that wisdom or just beaten down?  Besides holding on to it is so toxic.
An example is that my parents did the best they could with the limited education they had and from where they came from. I can't hold them accountable for my life. I'm a grown up and I need to just pull up my big girl panties and get over it all and build my own life. Thankfully I got that pretty young compared to some 50 year old friends &  sister who still use the excuse for their issues that their parents did this to them.

I have learned that sometimes people like to be a victim and they live in that space. It's comfortable for them. They don't want to leave it. Leaving it is scary to them because they have lived it so long. So you either can deal with them or you move on because they can and will try to suck you in to their life of being a victim and they tend to like company there. 

I have learned that moving on or letting go of people in your life that are toxic, who make you feel badly, or that bring up things that make you uncomfortable are okay to let go of in your life. It's really okay. Doesn't mean they are bad people but they aren't good for you.

I have learned that living with guilt is always a bad decision.

I have learned that regrets are foolish. I happen to only regret things I have not done, I have no regrets about anything I have done. Even if that decision is something I would no more make for myself today. It is not a regret.
I was asked once if I regretted my first marriage. When I said no, their mouth dropped open and just starred at me. No, I thought i was in love. I learned a lot and my goodness he was a nice guy. I just shouldn't have married so damn young. So no I didn't regret it. It made me who I am and made me see and make better decisions for myself the 2nd time.

I have learned that karma does exist. I have seen it work. Or as my parents referred to it - "What comes around goes around"  My parents used that phrase when growing up telling us that if we treated people poorly it would come back to us and vice versa if you are kind. My parents were so right on this one and the older I get the more I see it play out. 

I have learned that people who worry so much about what others think would realize that they have wasted so much time because people aren't thinking about them all that much if at all.

I have learned that giving of your time, volunteering, and helping others ALWAYS gives you so much more than who you think you are helping.

I have learned that manners are not overrated.

I have learned that kindness will solve so many things and our society (and gov't) has lost site of what the hell kindness even is today.

I have learned that there are so many gray areas. Not all things are black or white, sometimes there is a gray.

I have learned that while technology has been great in our lifetime it has caused so much damage as well. And if only people could be open to that fact and work within it. To use technology along with face to face interaction would be incredibly strong for our society.

I have learned that you can't match wits with those that are unarmed so it's best to walk away. They can't hear you anyway.

I have learned that the bigger the lie the higher the voice.
Oh I worked with a woman who did this perfectly. I mentioned to someone we both worked with to really listen to her. when she was lying her voice would get higher.
Ex: "OH NO, THAT WASN'T WHAT I MEANT"
Yea, high pitch Barbara was lying out her ass.
Sometimes the end only goes up and gets higher but it's there.
Sometimes this woman only dogs could hear I swear. 
Pay attention to this, it will serve you well.
Men do it as well but that normally isn't their tell.

I have learned that people really do treat you the way you allow them to treat you.

I have learned that it is okay to say the word no to someone.
Saying no is not being mean, rude or any of those things.
Saying no to a request that you can't do, won't do, don't want to do, is just fine.
No explanations, just NO. A polite no is not rude.
It gets easier after each time you learn to say no. I didn't learn this until age 40.
It was freeing as all hell. Try it.

I have learned that if you can't talk to your partner about anything and everything without a fear of an argument or other issues then you have bigger issues that you need to address.

I have learned that people who say there are no nice men or spouses out there say this because of their issues, their lousy spouses and their lousy marriages. Because there are great people out there. And if you partner isn't giving you what you need AFTER you tell them then maybe it's time to move on.

I have learned that life is too short to be miserable all the time.

I learned early on that being alone is so damn okay and sometimes even great.

I have learned from all my years with negotiation training classes a great deal of tells from people. So you don't want to play poker with me.
When meeting people or sitting around chatting I see a lot more than my husband.
Of course I don't bring these things up I just sit and observe.
When shared with him later he is always surprised. And later when he finds I was correct it still floors him. I am thankful for all those years of training on this topic. It has served me well and I can weed out the BS and the jokers. The majority of the time they have no idea I'm on to them. For some strange reason I enjoy just listening to the bull and allowing them to think I'm buying it all.  I'm old I have to have fun in some way.

Friday Videos of the Week

Check out this young 14 yr old girl.
I was blown away by her cover of the infamous Eddie Van Halen guitar solo from Eruption.  I know it may be too much for some of you.  So if you wish to see her doing a more quiet piece or mellow like Adele, check out her on youtube. Tina S. is her name.



It's official, I will never find a talent.
Can't sing, dance, sew, play an instrument all that well, make anything - nada ,nothing.
No talent what so ever.  Maybe I need a tlelethon.

This girl has enough for us all.
 She has a lot of You Tube videos of all the great guitar covers she does.
She has some from 2008 when she was so young that are incredible.
Don't let this scare you - there is mellow music as well.

Seriously, I give up.
I'm good at nothing really.
And at the ripe old age of 57 I doubt I will find a new skill set now.

Oh wait, I'm great at drinking.
I'll go pour a glass of wine now.

And for my guy readers, here is Jennifer Aniston in hardly any clothes.
You're welcome. I understand it's a lot less clothes in the movie.
Again, you're welcome.

Thursday Rants

* I don't know much about golf, but this Sergio guy seems like an A1 asshole. wow.

* I have to stop telling people about these great shows I like because then they go off the air. Bomb Girls is da bomb. I think I am learning more history about that war than I ever did in school.  It also makes me understand more of the struggle my father talked about being an Italian American during that time. I used to think my dad was just full of it. Apparently not. I now have to apologize to him for that.

* I got a facebook page and I just think the whole thing is stupid. What am I missing?  I also see shit that my nieces write and it's vile. They are so young. Girls are mean and I am thankful I didn't have to deal with that shit when I was growing up. I see them in different ways. One so insecure i think most of what she says may be untrue to just impress other skanky girls. One more mature than I thought. It's all creepy and i don't want to know about it. Why if you are 'friends" with someone do I have to see their shit?  I want out.
Little do they know that they could lose a job opportunity because of this talk on their facebook.

* Speaking of social media - What good comes from twitter? Another place for low life mean people to spread their vile because they are cowards and can be anonymous. The only twitters I have ever enjoyed are the comedians. They crack me up....and Ali Wentworth.
God that woman is funny.

* Speaking of comedians I heard an interview with Lisa Lampenelli yesterday. 
If you are unaware of her she is considered a "comedian."  I, on the other hand have never found her to be funny at all.  She spews ugly comments and awful slurs but never funny.
I don't care for her so called humor. She got called out for using the N word from someone and she said, "they just don't understand humor or comedy"  How the hell is that humor?
She also used homosexual slurs and again said it was "humor" that people just don't understand how comedy works.
So I guess with that logic me calling her fat, ugly and unfunny then must be a rip roaring good laugh then.

* Why do women become invisible in their mid 40's and up but men aren't ignored?

* I have watched the Jodi Arias trial more than I care to admit. I also hate to admit how it is making me feel. Yea, dirty of course. But I have always been against the death penalty. She's making me rethink that every once in awhile.  Yesterday she was laughing and giggling in court.  She is so narcisstic she makes some of the self absorbed women I know look like Mother Teresa.
Yes, she did commit one of the most cold blooded, premeditated heinous crime but should she get death? I have always said no. But this woman takes the cake and she has actually made me think....possibly?!  I hate that I am thinking that way. It goes against everything I believe in. I want her to get life without parole. No parole for this sicko.  But the fact that I understand how they could give her the death penalty makes me sick to my stomach.
What is happening to me?

My Favorite CoverGirl Spokesmodel.